edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I don't have much experience dating men older than me. Not even when I was younger. And somehow in the last 10 years I've only dated younger guys, usually 3-5 years younger than me, and one of them much younger than that. I have a young spirit so I guess I get along better and click more often with younger people. Older guys don't seem curious or excited about life, they seem too serious and it turns me off. FYI- Even my gfs are around 30-33 yo. Now that I'm looking for long term, I decided to expand a bit and have tried to go on dates with men 3-12 years older than me (43-52), but I never feel the "click" from my part or that they seem interested in me after meeting. Not sure what vibe I pass or if it was specific to those dates. Am I doing something wrong or is there a special way to deal with more mature guys? I am usually very friendly and young spirited in dates, so I'm thinking maybe they have a feeling I'm immature or something like that. I know every guy and situation is different but I'm wondering what do guys that age usually expect from a date. One thing is sure- it's not sex as they usually don't try to get laid and dump you. I confess the reason I'm asking is I have a date with this 48 yo, super witty, hot interesting man this week, and I'm afraid the previous experiences -of not clicking with older guys- will be repeated. Any insights?
ls32ssibm Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 It depends on the guy's situation - divorced? Kids? Never married? A 48 year old whose been through the ringer (I keep thinking of Louie C.K. for some reason) will be much less lively and ready to experience life with you than a 48 year old who hasn't found the right gal yet, and hasn't married and bred with the wrong one.
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I usually go for single or divorced with no kids as so far I haven't been interested in inheriting someone's family. That might change as I'm getting older though. I went on dates with guys with a young kid but honestly they talked so much about the kid I almost had the impression they were not interested in getting to know me For now let's assume a guy with no kids but with normal baggage, as all of us.
iris219 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Go on the date and don't think about his age. Approach it as you would any other date. I've always dated older men and I prefer it. However, I'm currently dating a man a year younger than me. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I never thought I'd end up with someone my age, much less younger. Point is, don't over think it.
CarrieT Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Am I doing something wrong or is there a special way to deal with more mature guys? I am usually very friendly and young spirited in dates, so I'm thinking maybe they have a feeling I'm immature or something like that. I think you nailed it. When I was in my 20s, I loved dating older men because they wanted someone as thoughtful and intelligent as them with a hot body. Most of them don't want a child... I confess the reason I'm asking is I have a date with this 48 yo, super witty, hot interesting man this week, and I'm afraid the previous experiences -of not clicking with older guys- will be repeated. Any insights? Ask him questions about himself. Find out what makes him tick and be genuinely interested in HIM - not being "young in spirit."
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 It depends on the guy's situation - divorced? Kids? Never married? A 48 year old whose been through the ringer (I keep thinking of Louie C.K. for some reason) will be much less lively and ready to experience life with you than a 48 year old who hasn't found the right gal yet, and hasn't married and bred with the wrong one. I guess you meant "likely"?
carhill Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Older guys don't seem curious or excited about life, they seem too serious and it turns me off. I confess the reason I'm asking is I have a date with this 48 yo, super witty, hot interesting man this week, and I'm afraid the previous experiences -of not clicking with older guys- will be repeated. Sounds like some internal conflict regarding processing of past experiences. My best advice, being an 'older' man and knowing many older men personally, is to see each older man as a unique individual who happens to be 'older'. You've already alluded to that processing with the adjectives in the last statement I quoted. Go with that and see how it goes. Good luck. 1
ls32ssibm Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I guess you meant "likely"? No, I actually meant lively, but I was trying to say less serious and more fun to be around.
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) I think you nailed it. Thanks CarrieT. Yes I'm thinking I might pass as immature for older guys, for being so "happy" on dates although I really think I am a strong mature woman (took me a while but I got there at around 35). Somehow I just don't think a first date should be a place to seem too serious and not playful. Maybe I should review my dating style? I don't think I know how to behave differently and still seem fun and interesting. How pathetic of me, but at least I'm realizing it. I wonder if I have to change my pesonality to achieve that... it seems so fake. Ask him questions about himself. Find out what makes him tick and be genuinely interested in HIM - not being "young in spirit." Good point. I think it's always been hard for me to relate to older, stable guys so instead of asking them questions I keep trying to be playful and tell them things about myself so they can see I am a fun person to be around (now that I think of it I ask them about work etc but that's about it). It probably passes the vibe that I'm somewhat retarded instead - for being so "happy". Ugh. Still, I do tell them about my accomplishments in life - not a few, I've had an interesting life, so I thought that filled the "I'm a mature interesting person" part, and I thought I could just use a date for being fun etc. I guess I don't know how to date? I wouldn't be surprised as I'm not American originally (my country doesn't have this concept), and been trying to learn it for 6 years now. Edited January 12, 2013 by edgygirl
Nightsky Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Edgy girl everything from your comments on here to your avatar scream baby. My advice would be to get in touch with your inner child and kill it for the night. 1
MsSmurf Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I don't have much experience dating men older than me. Not even when I was younger. And somehow in the last 10 years I've only dated younger guys, usually 3-5 years younger than me, and one of them much younger than that. I have a young spirit so I guess I get along better and click more often with younger people. Older guys don't seem curious or excited about life, they seem too serious and it turns me off. FYI- Even my gfs are around 30-33 yo. Now that I'm looking for long term, I decided to expand a bit and have tried to go on dates with men 3-12 years older than me (43-52), but I never feel the "click" from my part or that they seem interested in me after meeting. Not sure what vibe I pass or if it was specific to those dates. Am I doing something wrong or is there a special way to deal with more mature guys? I am usually very friendly and young spirited in dates, so I'm thinking maybe they have a feeling I'm immature or something like that. I know every guy and situation is different but I'm wondering what do guys that age usually expect from a date. One thing is sure- it's not sex as they usually don't try to get laid and dump you. I confess the reason I'm asking is I have a date with this 48 yo, super witty, hot interesting man this week, and I'm afraid the previous experiences -of not clicking with older guys- will be repeated. Any insights? That's exactly what I thought from what you've said. Now there is certainly nothing wrong with an older woman being youthful, friendly, and witty. I'm wondering if the kind of dates you're going on isn't displaying that well. Are you sticking with the usual dinner out kind of thing? If so I would mix it up and do something fun instead. I'm not sure what your interests are, but it shouldn't be hard to pick something. Then that way through the activity you're showing that you aren't some stuffy old lady, but at the same time there will be opportunities for witty conversation so you can show you aren't immature.
Treasa Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 All of the men I've dated in the past 15 years have been seven to *cough*alot*cough* younger than me. I kinda want to try men my age or men older than me. That would be 37-ish to 50-ish at the very upper limit. As long as a guy isn't bitter or not into sex, age doesn't matter to me.
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Go on the date and don't think about his age. Approach it as you would any other date. I've always dated older men and I prefer it. However, I'm currently dating a man a year younger than me. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I never thought I'd end up with someone my age, much less younger. Point is, don't over think it. I usually don't think about someone's age. BUT from all past experiences, the difference in interaction is so blatant and as it never worked out in my case, it's hard not to consider the different styles and outcome. I am the opposite. I never imagined myself with someone older as usually they are not playful, fun, sarcastic which are qualities I get drawn to and click well with people who have them. This 48 yo guy seems very witty and sarcastic so maybe I'm hoping I'll feel a connection with him.
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Edgy girl everything from your comments on here to your avatar scream baby. My advice would be to get in touch with your inner child and kill it for the night. You're just butthurt from our previous interactions in other threads. No need to be confrontational. ps: If you were into art and subcultures, you'd get my avatar. It has nothing to do with being a baby.
carhill Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Oh, forgot to add that, if an older man seems or appears 'serious', he's choosing to present that aspect of himself. Most men are well-rounded individuals, as is normal for being human but, in my generation at least, have been socialized, and had that socialization reinforced by society, to 'handle' things in a neutral and focused way. Some men don't easily turn that tape off. Some do. IMO, this is why 'getting to know' is helpful, rather than making snap decisions. If the man is otherwise attractive, go on some dates to 'get to know' him. See how it goes. If personalities/styles match up, they do. If not, not. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 All of the men I've dated in the past 15 years have been seven to *cough*alot*cough* younger than me. I kinda want to try men my age or men older than me. That would be 37-ish to 50-ish at the very upper limit. As long as a guy isn't bitter or not into sex, age doesn't matter to me. Same here. Problem is I feel their baggage and bitterness in each and every date. Maybe I met the wrong ones, that's what I'm hoping. And they don't seem to be the least sexual in their body language, which certainly wouldn't work for me.
iris219 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I usually don't think about someone's age. BUT from all past experiences, the difference in interaction is so blatant and as it never worked out in my case, it's hard not to consider the different styles and outcome. I am the opposite. I never imagined myself with someone older as usually they are not playful, fun, sarcastic which are qualities I get drawn to and click well with people who have them. This 48 yo guy seems very witty and sarcastic so maybe I'm hoping I'll feel a connection with him. I disagree. I mean, some people have the qualities you listed above and some don't. It's not dependent on age. You don't suddenly lose those qualities when you turn 42. I think the older I get, the more fun and playful I have become. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 That's exactly what I thought from what you've said. Now there is certainly nothing wrong with an older woman being youthful, friendly, and witty. I'm wondering if the kind of dates you're going on isn't displaying that well. Are you sticking with the usual dinner out kind of thing? If so I would mix it up and do something fun instead. I'm not sure what your interests are, but it shouldn't be hard to pick something. Then that way through the activity you're showing that you aren't some stuffy old lady, but at the same time there will be opportunities for witty conversation so you can show you aren't immature. Yes older guys usually invite for (full) dinner. They are more conventional in that sense so I just play along. I went on one museum date with a 52 yo, but it was really hard to talk while looking at art pieces. I find it hard to really get to know someone that way. (Also, in this case we continued the date to have a glass of wine at a bar but very quickly I found out this one was a nutso - he had a mini fight ( ) with 2 guys nearby and also admitted being a Republican. So that wouldn't work out anyway, haha.)
FitChick Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I think edgygirl's problem is that she is coming across as self-centered. I always ask the guy questions and only talk about myself if they ask me specifically. Most men love talking about themselves. I know a lot of women complain about that but you need as much info as possible to know if you want to see them again. If you do, you will have plenty of time to talk about yourself, knowing that they are interested since they've asked you out again. I don't like random strangers knowing too much about me, especially if there is a chance we may never speak again. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I disagree. I mean, some people have the qualities you listed above and some don't. It's not dependent on age. You don't suddenly lose those qualities when you turn 42. I think the older I get, the more fun and playful I have become. Yes perhaps I've been meeting the wrong older guys. I am also becoming more and more playful as I get older. If you're right, I just have to find my match then, hopefully. Maybe the guys with these qualities are getting snatched quickly
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I think edgygirl's problem is that she is coming across as self-centered. I always ask the guy questions and only talk about myself if they ask me specifically. Most men love talking about themselves. I know a lot of women complain about that but you need as much info as possible to know if you want to see them again. If you do, you will have plenty of time to talk about yourself, knowing that they are interested since they've asked you out again. I don't like random strangers knowing too much about me, especially if there is a chance we may never speak again. I thought about that... but honestly somehow I keep saying in my dates: okay enough about me as they keep asking and asking things about me and my life, and when I try to turn the convo to learn more about them, it usually ends up going back to me again very shortly! It's frustrating. I know I've had a more interesting life than most guys I meet in the US (I've lived in 5 countries so far, speak 5 languages, travel for work internationally, interesting work/social life etc) and they seem to get curious... but I am legitimately interested in them. Not sure what else can I do in addition to try to turn the convo to their life and beliefs... perhaps I need to be more guarded which is hard for me. I read your posts on LS and I can tell you're more guarded and I am trying to learn from your posts and others, as I am too open indeed (due to my cultural background and family lack of filter), but it's hard as I feel I'd become another person and that's a bit unnerving and feels like I'm faking it.
MsSmurf Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Yes older guys usually invite for (full) dinner. They are more conventional in that sense so I just play along. I went on one museum date with a 52 yo, but it was really hard to talk while looking at art pieces. I find it hard to really get to know someone that way. (Also, in this case we continued the date to have a glass of wine at a bar but very quickly I found out this one was a nutso - he had a mini fight ( ) with 2 guys nearby and also admitted being a Republican. So that wouldn't work out anyway, haha.) Well you can always make suggestions for what you 2 will do on the date. Sure dinner will probably happen at some point, but there's nothing wrong with you saying "hey there's this hiking trail/band playing/comedian in town/etc want to check it out?" If you know of some of his interests you can mention something that would appeal to him. Also dinner doesn't always have to be at the same old type of place. I love my fancy restaurants with multiple forks and harpists like the next girl, but I regularly suggest something different to encourage a guy to be less stuffy. Why not a Moroccan place where you sit on those floor cushions, eat with your hands, and are entertained by belly dancers? Or one of those mystery dinner theater things where the actors are putting on a show and incorporating the audience. Something like that definitely shows you're not dull, but instead that you're openminded. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Not sure what else can I do in addition to try to turn the convo to their life and beliefs... perhaps I need to be more guarded which is hard for me. Sounds like you are dating guys who don't know how to have a conversation. IMO conversations on the first few dates should be like a game of tennis, volley and return, volley and return.
Author edgygirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Oh, forgot to add that, if an older man seems or appears 'serious', he's choosing to present that aspect of himself. Most men are well-rounded individuals, as is normal for being human but, in my generation at least, have been socialized, and had that socialization reinforced by society, to 'handle' things in a neutral and focused way. Some men don't easily turn that tape off. Some do. IMO, this is why 'getting to know' is helpful, rather than making snap decisions. If the man is otherwise attractive, go on some dates to 'get to know' him. See how it goes. If personalities/styles match up, they do. If not, not. Interesting! I was hoping you'd respond as I know you're in that age group, and I wanted a guy's point of view to try and understand it - appreciate it. Yes I usually feel there's an extra layer specially in this age group and it's almost like they're putting a facade. This 48 yo guy for example seemed very playful while interacting by writing in the website and today when he called me to set up a date (yay, older guys CALL! it's a great thing and unusual for guys in their 30s) - suddenly he seemed very serious which send a shiver down my spine and I started to foresee this date might end up like the others. I am up for going on more dates even if the first one was not a total success, but as I said, I never had a good first date with older guys, and they never asked me out again... so that remains to be seen.
FitChick Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Nothing wrong with answering their questions because you don't want to seem rude, but keep it short and to the point, don't elaborate: Man: "Which countries have you lived in?" Edgy: "Spain, England, France and Italy. Italy was my favorite. How about you, do you like to travel? Where have you been? Which are your favorites? What did you like about it? What did you think of the people? Where would you like to go next?" Deflect!
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