Having serious doubts about ending my M...

[MrWindupBird]

No one can make you happy 24/7. Happiness needs to be intrinsic, then you are quite fulfilled and not dependent on your wife for your happiness.

 

 

 

 

Yep, in these cases it is all about personal need.

 

But, I agree, OP and you are in similar situations. I hope you finally found someone to make you happy.

 

And I agree so much about personal need. So many people find that notion selfish and immature. I believe these people are accustomed to ideologies and self-denial for whatever reason—be it culture or upbringing. That's not to say one can be a hedonist every hour or every day. But there's no schematic on how to live life. And in the end, most people are going to eventually do what they want anyway. So why wait and drown yourself in useless guilt? It's like wearing a weight vest for everything you do. It's pointless.

 

I also believe in a person's energy. I'm not religious or anything like that, but I think a person's negative energy slowly wears on them until their self-perception and perception of others is badly compromised and slanted toward negativities and persecutions. I'll never allow that to happen to me. I see the world as it is. When I have bias in something, I don't trust my own judgement. My negative energy doesn't involve resentment or jealousy, and those aren't subtly hurting everyone I come in contact with. As a result, I don't get back from people, and human interaction is simplified and more honest.

 

After I cheated on my wife, I realized that by being true to myself, and being honest about myself, that it was the way not only to be happier, but it was the way I can minimize the risk of hurting others. If I take away all inner conflict from myself, then I can more accurately depict my own position on all things, and this way others aren't let down. Others know what to expect, and while they might not agree with it all the time, and while their own bias might label me selfish or hedonistic, no one ever feels like I betrayed them anymore. For me, this is the way to live. And I think many could find benefit from not apologizing for that they want and what they need. Because it's a trivial practice. Most people will eventually do what they wish to do, anyway.

[MrWindupBird]

God I there's one thing worse than cheating its patronizing your victim. Just like she didn't know you were capable of the worst kind of betrayal, you don't know what her life is really like. And if it's as lonely as you think a decent man would be ashamed not sanctimonious.

 

I'll gladly take an infraction for that. It was worth saying.

 

I've had discussions with her where she's admitted she was trying to make me jealous. And throughout the divorce, she told me countless times she would focus on her career. And it's what she's doing. How is it patronizing to say as much?

 

How you can make assumptions about someone you have never met is beyond me. You literally have no idea what you're talking about. You've never met me. You've never met my ex-wife. Her and I slept in my car for a month when we ran away together as dumb college kids. We went through so many hard times and had only each other. And you're telling me what I know.

[MrWindupBird]

I think there WS a healthy dose of irony in Pierre's post. I hope so anyway as he's just said no one can make you happy.

 

I dot think putting people down for anti- hedonism is a nice thig to do. We don't go in for self denial at all in my family but we ensure our indulgence hurts no one which is where hedonists don't regulate. Hedonism allows pleasure at the expense of other's. It isn't self denial not to engage in that. It's conscience. The effective hedonist is also a sociopath without conscience.

 

I said I embraced a more hedonistic lifestyle beyond my marriage. I realized pretending to be happy is like slowly bleeding to death.

 

My wife and I are together now not because we made some empty promise or feel the need to be something for our "family". Speaking of sanctimonious.

 

We are what we are because we choose to be. When I look at her every day, and she at me, we know what we see. We don't have to guess. It's honesty, and your position only reinforces this well-earned belief.

[MrWindupBird]

It is patronizing. Take it from a member of the audience.

 

I am not telling you what you know. I'm telling you you don't know everything. That's it really. No matter how well you know her you don't know everything. And that would be even of you lived with her not to mention now. And if you're right and she did those things to make you jealous because she was hurting? Then you should be so freaking ashamed of that. I'd be ashamed to destroy a persons life to that extent. So would everyone I know.

 

When did I say I wasn't ashamed?

 

But what should I do? Spill my blood every day for something I did years ago?

 

And I don't think I know anything. I was told by her. If that's not evidence of the truth, her telling me something about how she feels about me, then what is?

 

Living in self-regret might be a way of life for many, but it's not for me. If others want to trudge through that swamp, feeling sorry for every blade of grass they bend, then they're welcome to it. I have a new lease on life, and I won't spend it feeling sorry for being alive.

[woinlove]

I've had discussions with her where she's admitted she was trying to make me jealous. And throughout the divorce, she told me countless times she would focus on her career. And it's what she's doing. How is it patronizing to say as much?

 

You can't know your wife is lonely now unless you are in contact with her now. Checking her FB status isn't good enough to really know her life now. Single people can be not lonely and married people can be lonely. It is usually internal and reflects how happy one is with oneself. Even though your betrayal threw your wife's self-confidence for a loop, it doesn't mean she hasn't restored that by now and she could be very happy with herself. Maybe you are projecting your own feelings of loneliness onto your ex. I recall you mentioned you were lonely in your new M. As for making you jealous, people do lots of things in the aftermath of being cheated on. Read the infidelity forum if you want some idea of the pain and the rollercoaster they go through.

 

I think a person has to do a lot of work after cheating in order to feel really good about themselves and that needs to be done whether one stays in the M or divorces or ends up with the AP. Otherwise the empty or lonely feelings can return, because they are internal and follow you around. Lorendo, whatever you do, it is important to do the work to understand why you made the choice to have an affair rather than to try to solve your problems another way and understand what you need to do to change. I think this is important for your future happiness, whether you decide to stay married or not. Right now you have mostly good feelings about your H and you'd like that to continue, as well as to have good feelings about yourself. Make sure you do the work to end up in that position.

Edited January 14, 2013 by woinlove

[Decorative]

Actually my ex-wife became very bitter after our divorce, and she leads a very lonely and somewhat spiteful life where she focuses entirely on her job and her (used to be our) dog. She tried several times to make me jealous during and directly after the divorce by being with other men, flaunting pictures and even bringing one to the divorce hearing, but when she realized I was no longer paying attention to her, she pretty much resigned herself to being alone.

 

I wish her the best, though. She got her revenge in the divorce, but I have no hard feelings toward her. She was hurt, and I understand. I've looked up her Facebook page a handful of times since the divorce in 09, and I too hope she moves on with her life.

 

That's terrible.

 

It must hurt knowing you harmed her so much and she is in a bad place from that trauma.

 

I hope she finds peace, and does the work it takes to heal. It's a hard road.

[William]

Thread starter, if you wish any further input on your issue, as this thread seems to have wandered far afield, alert on this post to request re-opening of the thread by moderation. Thanks.