Having serious doubts about ending my M...

January 12, 2013

How long has it been since D-day? That list could very well loosen up quite a bit over time. Immediately after D-day I hawked my husband like you wouldn't believe, but over time, I relaxed, and relaxed a bit more, and a bit more. I'll never completely loosen up but it's nothing like it was after D-Day.

January 12, 2013

How long has it been since D-day? That list could very well loosen up quite a bit over time. Immediately after D-day I hawked my husband like you wouldn't believe, but over time, I relaxed, and relaxed a bit more, and a bit more. I'll never completely loosen up but it's nothing like it was after D-Day.

6months since DDay.

January 12, 2013

6months since DDay.

That's not long at all. You two are in the baby stages of processing this and renegotiating your marriage.

January 12, 2013

That's not long at all. You two are in the baby stages of processing this and renegotiating your marriage.

okay. well that's good to know. it feels like FOREVER!

January 12, 2013

loredo:

You said your H is a great man, good father, and happy on his own (meaning that it is not your job to keep him happy).

It seems you did not have a bad marriage or the husband from hell. So I suspect the affair has more to do with you. You yearn to be free and you said the magic words "I love him, but I am not in love with him."'

Did you tell your H what you have posted here?

I think the solution is crystal clear: You do not want to be married.

Why don't you leave your H? I don't get it. What is the point? You were the woman of another man and you do not love your H. So what is holding you back? Everything is in the open. The cards are in the table and the divorce will be quite smooth. So what is your problem?

BTW, is OM waiting on the wings?

Noooooo! oM is completely out of the picture.

I think I know what to do Pierre. I'm just a little confused.

January 12, 2013

Did you read any of what she said? Normally I'd agree with you.
They try and work it out for the next 2-3 years, the resentment over the things she doesn't feel she can live with, doesn't WANT to live with is going to build.

So, I guess she has a 3rd option. She can do all that... and then when they do split up, they won't have the friendship they have right now, they can have a nasty divorce like lots of other people, fight over their kid, money, and living arrangmeents, never speak to each other with sincerety again and be content that they gave it EVERYTHING THEY HAD right up til the last second when she felt trapped again.

Right now they have a great friendship, are agreeing on how they want to dissolve everything and still LIKE one another, WAY better for both of them AND their child(ren) don't you think? If they fall back in love as part of their friends then they can be back together again.. there's no law against that either.

Neither of us have ruled out the ability to reconcile in the future.

January 12, 2013

I wish the OP could share the list with us.

I absolutely will. Gotta run right now, I'll share later.

January 12, 2013

You're not willing to do what is necessary to reconcile with your husband. In other words, you cannot (or are unwilling to) give him what he needs to feel safe and secure in the marriage.

And I'm not knocking what you don't truly feel.

If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. I think six months is long enough to realize that you're just not feeling it.

You should divorce.

If your husband were posting on the Infidelity forum and told the story, he would be urged to file for divorce.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Alice2012

January 12, 2013

Loredo,

In all of this thread I didn't really see where your confusion came about except for your fear of the unknown. There was nothing you stated that could lead anyone to believe that you still want to be in this marriage.

I think you know your answer it is just hard to make that final step. Best of luck to you.

January 12, 2013

Loredo,

In all of this thread I didn't really see where your confusion came about except for your fear of the unknown. There was nothing you stated that could lead anyone to believe that you still want to be in this marriage.

I think you know your answer it is just hard to make that final step. Best of luck to you.

Letting fear take over and prevent you from making a final decision to D your H, or if you're afraid of being on your own, what happens next - Don't be. Embrace the fear. Know that you won't be "alone", you'll have friends, family, neighbours, kids if you have any, to help you and support you. You are strong and can get through this. It'll be hard, it'll be different - Change IS hard but can be a good thing. Starting over and learning how to be on your own can be quite satisfying and rewarding too.

Continue with counseling. No decision has to be made today but don't wait for 5 or 6 months from now and still be in limbo.

January 12, 2013

There is no time limit and taking time to think is no the same as "staying out of duty". 6 months is nothing.

If the OP's husband came over to the Infidelity forum and told us this story, he would be advised to do "The 180" and file for divorce immediately.

How long is the BS supposed to wait for the WS to realize they have GENUINE empathy for them? And prepared to sacrifice? Do whatever needs to be done to make the BS feel safe and secure?

Six months and counting?

I wouldn't have waited longer than six MINUTES following Dday.

Either you feel it . . . or you don't.

It's not there for the OP.

We've seen this EXACT situation a million times before.

She done with the marriage.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Alice2012

January 12, 2013

30/45 is not "a lot" older.
From the way you spoke, I thought you were like 25 and he was 45.

Yes it is a lot older... the gap will widen as you both age.

If you think he is set in his way, wait until he is 70 and you are 55. You will still be wanting to get out and enjoy life, and he will be refusing to budge. I might venture to say, that could be one of the reasons you strayed.

Person expereience speaking here.

Cat

January 12, 2013

I disagree Alice. I've seen a man take months to really get what he did and whb I did it hit him like a ton of bricks and he moved mountains to help his wife.

When we see (at least here on LS) the WS take months to "get it," it usually means the affair went underground a bit and it didn't work out with the AP and/or it was false reconciliation and they later divorced.

I wouldn't wait around for anyone while they "get it" or ride the fence until their options have dried up.

January 12, 2013

I read the thread and this was the most quote to reply to.

ugh! I'm so confused!
Can I get some advice? Genuine advice. I don't need judgement or condescension. I already know I've screwed everything up.

I disagree.

It's only "screwed up" if you and your H say it is.

Is it screwed up if you R and move on together in life?

This is less an attribution of blame (I screwed everything up) and more emotional frustration at not improving the situation - as the A was supposed to do. Now its harder and more complex than it was before.

Those thinking of cheating would be well served to keep that in mind.

After D-day, I went on a trip to clear my head. I made a list of everything I wanted out of life. Nowhere on the list did it say I wanted to be married.

Bollocks. (Suddenly this Texan decided he's British)

After my D I swore up and down I would NEVER get M again and it was bullshyte and stupid and pointless, dead dated institution that has no modern relevance and...

...I'm married again.

I used to think that was all I wanted, but time and life has gotten in the way of my dream. H and I had been having issues for 3 years when I decided to be the biggest idiot alive and have an A on the ONE person that has been there for me through thick and thin for a decade. He's seen me in serious medical condition and help my freakin bed pan for me. He's done more than enough financially. And he is honestly the best daddy in the world! I am still trying to figure out why/how could I do this to him. And not sure I will ever forgive myself. But I am working on everything with the help of therapy and other holistic approaches.

All very normal.

Whats MOST important, and the key to YOUR happiness is in bold.

If you cannot forgive yourself you will NEVER be truly happy. This burden and guilt and shame will forever color your days. This is of paramount importance. You don't "fix" that...its an unnecessarily darker future.

ASk your Ic...point blank..."How do I forgive myself".

This, above all else, is most important now as from it all else flows.

Since D-day H and I have been separated but living in the same house. He made a list of things I would HAVE to abide by if we were to ever stay married. i.e. curfew, religion, friend choices, work choices. basically anything that makes me the independent person that I am would be stripped away from me. But I know that's my fault. He let me be me. But to a fault.

There are reasonable demands and unreasonable demands from a BS.

This is neither reasonable, healthy or even conducive to healing this M -witness how you react to them.

This isn't about healing but about his control - and its reactive on his part as he wasn't like this to begin with. He is hurt and afraid and this drives him to eliminate possible avenues of hurt by controlling your ability to do so. Patently unhealthy not only to you - but your M, himself, your son and everyone else. This MUST end.

And...encourage IC. His healing process, from you write, is not a positive one - its negative and could be the beginnings of a downward spiral. Which is clearly not good.

I ruined everything. Now I know most of what's on that list I could never do. (We are complete opposites). I know I should. I should want to give up everything, but I can't.

The hell you did. You made it worse certainly - but ruined it...no. Its ruined only if you and your H chose to not R. That outcome is not yet decided.

I hope you are just having a down day - negativity is, well, negative (duh). Lets try and be more positive. IT does AMAZING things when one chooses positive over negative.

Being here on this board and listening to stories of family and friends I've been terrified to ever have to start over again. Men just all seem the same. pigs. (no offense guys I'm one too)...but this board speaks volumes to me. (on women too)...
I would be starting my life totally over from scratch. And as much as I want to do that, I am afraid I am still living in a fantasy world.

BTDT. Wasn't easy. Made it. Life WAY better now.

But you have asked a VERY important Q. Are the emotions you feel now colored by recent events? Yes.

Knowing this, does it potentially lead me to looking back and regretting any decisions I make now? Yes.

Time to negotiate then. What rules can he "roll back"?

Have you asked? Discussed it? Does HE know how you feel under these restrictions?

I want to see things clearly,

Impossible. Life is messy. Its uncertain. We never have all the facts. Its like parenting - crashing from one mess to another and being clueless the entire time. I have three kids and I STILL don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Doesn't that make life just AMAZING.

and grow up.

You are - just being to hard and down on yourself now.

Is this where I am supposed to be?

Supposed to be suggests that you are counter to some form of destiny - your position was written as A but you are at B. It invalidates itself - if you were supposed to be at A you would be.

Which means...you ARE where you ares supposed to be - its the result of the circumstances and choices we make.

Do not feel bad about this as that's the emotion behind it - one of letting down life the universe and everything. Bollocks (Im British again)

I DO NOT want to settle.

Then don't - and guess what, we all do.

What you mean is you are unhappy with life NOW. So change it.

I want to travel. And be a free-spirit again. None of which I can do under his rules.

Nope. Your blaming HIM here. Don't - its not fair or true.

If you want to travel then do so - he hasn't tied you down. You want to be a free spirit then do so (being a mom tends to run counter this).

You have choices - and consequences for what you choose.

But we were sublimely happy for years. I just dont know how to get that feeling back....is it gone forever?
Maybe I'm just having an off week.

BACK to MC. Its hard to R from an A - especially when you feel oppressed by his rules (which I agree are unhealthy).

You both need to work - and that doesn't mean you roll over to his unreasonable demands.

You need to communicate NOW more than ever. Go and LEARN how to.

And yes...I think you are reacting to months of pent up frustration and who knows what else. DONT let it build.

Aside from what I think are unhealthy rules from your H...you are not far removed from a normal R process.

January 13, 2013

He's seen me in serious medical condition and help my freakin bed pan for me.

Since D-day H and I have been separated but living in the same house.

(We are complete opposites).

I would be starting my life totally over from scratch. And as much as I want to do that, I am afraid I am still living in a fantasy world.

I quoted what we have in common except we didn't have D-day. I just want to say please don't stay married just because you were grateful for that time when he took care of you if you are basically living separate lives in the same house.

I am also afraid to start from scratch and so I haven't done anything.

I also want to say that people here and also outside of this forum will give all sorts of advice trying to help you, but you're the only one who knows your entire story and thus the only one who can decide in the end what's good for you. I'm not there yet.

January 13, 2013

I see owning her actions as a positive too and allow for the possibility of change. But I'm trying to get at whether she is underneath it still wanting it all her own wa or if it's the degree she's debating.

Judging apples to apples you need to look at a fresh start and a reconciled M vs alone and miserable or a same old same old M. I feel some are mismatching here.

I don't know if he's giving her doormat behavior or time to sort herself out. Time will tell. I don't believe in doing nothing with the time in his shoes but we don't know that he is doing nothing with the time.

There is nothing beta about taking your time to work out the rest of your life.

You're right MFH. "We don't know." But you sure do play like you do. :rolleyes:

January 13, 2013

There is nothing beta about taking your time to work out the rest of your life.

Oh yeah?

Tell that to the now-divorced/divorcing men on the Infidelity forum who's wives did exactly what the OP is doing.

These men, including the OP's husband, were indeed beta. They coddled at the same time they "demanded." They want to make demands, but don't want to rock the boat too much for fear they will push the WS too far and she will leave or cheat again. Everything is on the WS's timetable.

You see how she went on a trip to clear her head after Dday?

Only a beta husband would let their cheating spouse get away with that bullsheet.

The OP's story has been told over and over - literally. We see it every few days when a new husband joins the forum to describe the exact same situation.

She's done.

If she forces herself to work on the marriage, it will be false reconciliation.

Edited January 13, 2013 by Alice2012

January 13, 2013

I don't agree wisernow. But I do try to ask thought provoking questions and put my opinion. Like everyone else.

How can you not disagree? You come off like your sitting at Loredo's house peering through her window. Instead of jumping to all your conclusions, why not, take a breath and let her come back and answer some of your copious posts. Maybe then, you can get some clarity instead of just making stuff up.

By all means, do what you feel is best for you, though. But, sometimes less really is more. Enjoy!

January 13, 2013

I hate that I am replying to this post. My husband I were blissfully happy for many years. He had a point where he didn't know what he wanted. No house. No kids. No wife. I ended up cheating on him. If only I had worked on it. I don't know where i would be today. I lost my exMM. And I lost my H. So now I sit alone. I would give anything to go back 3 years ago and somehow change my husband's mind that we were meant to be. I wish you nothing but the best of luck I hate the we are here.

January 13, 2013

I hate that I am replying to this post. My husband I were blissfully happy for many years. He had a point where he didn't know what he wanted. No house. No kids. No wife. I ended up cheating on him. If only I had worked on it. I don't know where i would be today. I lost my exMM. And I lost my H. So now I sit alone. I would give anything to go back 3 years ago and somehow change my husband's mind that we were meant to be. I wish you nothing but the best of luck I hate the we are here.

fBS here....and after DDay I didn't want him and all his insecurities and baggage and affair and OW...none of it! I set him free to go be happy with her, just STOP LYING TO ME.

So when he turned tail and began begging to reconcile, you BET I had a list of conditions to be with me.

I needed to TRUST him again and not feel like I was being played. I refused to be anyone's default choice. I loved him.So I gave him a gift, with conditions.

You want me to stay with you, build a future with you? here is what it takes to get back with me. And I gave him a list. Not to imprison him, but to rebuild my trust which he broke by lying to me.

In time, with both of us doing all the right steps, we rebuilt. we are happy again. I am glad I stayed, but he had to do the heavy lifting to prove to me he was worth giving a second chance to!

if you do not understand this concept, do not stay. go be free. if he is a nice guy and a good and devoted man, he will find a new woman quickly, or a new woman will find him.

What do you want here? And how hard are you willing to work to keep him? he sounds like a great guy. held a bed pan? He should find a sweet woman to adore him in about six months.

Are you in IC yet?

January 13, 2013

Will your child be staying with your husband or moving into the condo with you? Also, how old is your child?

January 13, 2013

Laredo,

I think you should think about your list. Being married wasn't on it. There's a reason it wasn't on it. Don't be scared of the unknown. Don't doubt your ability to move on. Don't ever, ever, ever think you're too old or too late in life to do anything or change anything about anything. There's a movie quote I really like from Benjamin Button, and it really helped me find some peace after my divorce from my wife.

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

My wife was extremely supportive. She wasn't argumentative. She'd do anything to make me happy. I spent a lot of time and money making a life and a home with her. But I knew deep down that I wasn't fulfilled, and so I had to break away. It wasn't perfect, but it needed to happen. Just think about what you need, and do what you need. You're the important thing. And having to abide by some list of things you have to be or do written by someone else, that doesn't sound like a second chance scenario. That sounds like a new chapter in life that you likely won't enjoy.

January 14, 2013

Laredo,

I think you should think about your list. Being married wasn't on it. There's a reason it wasn't on it. Don't be scared of the unknown. Don't doubt your ability to move on. Don't ever, ever, ever think you're too old or too late in life to do anything or change anything about anything. There's a movie quote I really like from Benjamin Button, and it really helped me find some peace after my divorce from my wife.

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

My wife was extremely supportive. She wasn't argumentative. She'd do anything to make me happy. I spent a lot of time and money making a life and a home with her. But I knew deep down that I wasn't fulfilled, and so I had to break away. It wasn't perfect, but it needed to happen. Just think about what you need, and do what you need. You're the important thing. And having to abide by some list of things you have to be or do written by someone else, that doesn't sound like a second chance scenario. That sounds like a new chapter in life that you likely won't enjoy.

I hope your ex-wife has an amazing life with someone who truly deserves her love and kindness.

And I hope Loredo does the same for her husband. I hope she lets him go. He deserves a person who appreciates him, and is mature enough to handle it marriage, the commitment, and understand the nature of lasting, enduring, deeply committed love.

January 14, 2013

No one can make you happy 24/7. Happiness needs to be intrinsic, then you are quite fulfilled and not dependent on your wife for your happiness.

Yep, in these cases it is all about personal need.

But, I agree, OP and you are in similar situations. I hope you finally found someone to make you happy.

I appreciate the kind words. I'm remarried now, and it's not perfect, but I feel like it's going to work, and other than the passion drop-off that we fight all the time, everything feels right in my life as far as my marriage.

January 14, 2013

I hope your ex-wife has an amazing life with someone who truly deserves her love and kindness.

And I hope Loredo does the same for her husband. I hope she lets him go. He deserves a person who appreciates him, and is mature enough to handle it marriage, the commitment, and understand the nature of lasting, enduring, deeply committed love.

Actually my ex-wife became very bitter after our divorce, and she leads a very lonely and somewhat spiteful life where she focuses entirely on her job and her (used to be our) dog. She tried several times to make me jealous during and directly after the divorce by being with other men, flaunting pictures and even bringing one to the divorce hearing, but when she realized I was no longer paying attention to her, she pretty much resigned herself to being alone.

I wish her the best, though. She got her revenge in the divorce, but I have no hard feelings toward her. She was hurt, and I understand. I've looked up her Facebook page a handful of times since the divorce in 09, and I too hope she moves on with her life.

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