beenburned Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 My cousin's wife cheated on him over 3 years ago. He immediately divorced her after contacting the other BS to get the facts about the affair. He and the other BS continued to communicate after his and her divorce was final. I received an engagement annoucement, the 2 BS's are getting married soon. And the 2 WS's just married each other! Unfortunately, that means my cousin's young son will be spending every other weekend with his Xwife and her former affair partner( the son's new stepdad)!
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 yes, but at least he has 2 stable homes and 2 happier parents.... That cannot be a bad thing. 1
Alice2012 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 yes, but at least he has 2 stable homes and 2 happier parents.... That cannot be a bad thing. I don't know about that. That's a little ****ed up. Kids thinking it's okay to cheat and swap partners? 4
Author beenburned Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Tara, If I had divorced my WH years ago when the kids were little, it would have killed me to share them with his former OW! 3
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Okay... you (generic, not specific) cannot undo what has been done. The next best thing, is to try to make a go of what you have in front of you. People always have choices. if choices weren't available, we'd all still be with lover number one. But life has a way of blind-siding you... When people marry, it is never, but never with the fore-seeing intention of cheating xx years down the road. Things like this happen. People have kids, they cheat, and there's almighty hell to go through. But it all comes out in the wash. To maintain animosity towards someone your ex has now married, is just counter-productive, destructive and inhibiting. It's not so much the kids thinking it's okay to cheat and swap partners, but if the parents have put them through this experience, then it's up to the parents to demonstrate that - "This is life, it occasionally happens - much more than people would like - but we can be adult, civilised and mature about this. People change partners, it's a sad fact, but we're going to show you that there is an amicable, reasonable and fair way to handle this - and that's by being civil, friendly and generous with our acceptance." I know several people who have married, had kids, and spilt up and remarried - but who still spend a lot of quality, friendly time together, and get on much better split up than they ever did together.... it's not what the kids should do. It's how adults should behave. 2
Steen719 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 beenburned, My XH was friends with 2 couples and one woman from one couple and the man from the other had an affair. They ended up divorcing and the affair partners married each other and then the other 2 BSs married each other. What a mess. None of them were happy. The APs did not stay married for too long and were miserable from the get-go. The BSs are still married and are really so unhappy together. They have stayed together, despite their statements that they do not want to be together - I don't know if it was for their child or what. Theirs and their children's (hers with 1st H) many issues could have surfaced anyway - I have no way of knowing for sure, but he drinks to excess and seems angry, she smokes weed to maintain, the kids all have school, motivation, etc. issues. Anyway, I don't think their start helped them and I see your point about the kids being with the OW. It is hard to see how people manage that, but I guess many do.
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Tara I can see that when it's just a divorce, or even infidelity where the OW of the affair isn't involved. But it almost seems like self harm to keep having to have contact with the xOW/newW. You stop yourself moving on, and that affects the kids, not to mention the awful role model to the kids of "lets cheat then expect others to suck it up and play happy families". That bit right there. The sadness, torment, resentment and anger is self-inflicted. because it's highly unlikely anyone else feels exactly the way you do. I know a girl whose parents divorced, (They BOTH had affairs!) and whose father burdened himself with precisely these afflicting sentiments. She tore him off a strip one day, and told him to get over himself, because it was long over, done and dusted, mom was happy - why the hell couldn't he just 'man up' and behave like a decent human being, instead of a wimp? he protested that he simply couldn't move on and forgive - and she replied "well in that case, if you're still 'back there' that's really a problem you're going to have to deal with - but I get on with them both, just fine!" Really - verbatim. Each one of us is responsible for our own thoughts, opinions, attitudes and perceptions. If they are flawed, warped and damaging, we owe it to ourselves to implement remedies, not to keep on with the tragedy of being sad - and knowing why. 1
eleanorrigby Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 hmm I'd like to be happy for the BS's but I wish there were no kids involved. It's just too weird for me. I'd not enjoy being in that position as a kid. Creepy. 4
buckeyeblue Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 When people marry, it is never, but never with the fore-seeing intention of cheating xx years down the road. Things like this happen. The sadness, torment, resentment and anger is self-inflicted. Tara - Funny how the affair just "happens", yet the BS chooses to "self-inflict" sadness, resentment, and anger. Oh, I get it -- it's opposite day!! 3
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Tara I'm all for moving on after a divorce but contact with the former AP seems completely sabotaging that. "Seems". The huge problem with this, as I ahve found it, is that we all assume we're feeling things in isolation, when in fact our thoughts words and actions ripple out and connect with others, in exactly the same way as their thoughts words and actions connect with us. And we can either use this to our advantage, or not. Tell me, if you were walking down a street one day, and there was a dreadful accident in which someone got hit by a car, wouldn't you try to reach out and help? And if upon approaching this person, you realised it was the AP - would you recoil, back away and say "I'm sorry, but contact with you would just completely sabotage my moving on...."? of course you wouldn't. They're human, they're hurt and they need help. look at them always, in this light, accident or no. They're human, flawed, with feelings emotions and sentiments just like you. behaviour is certainly to be criticised, if it is behaviour that hurts others - but there comes a time when this can turn to be a poison. It is said that harbouring a hurt, is like buying poison for your enemy, and drinking it yourself. While we need to limit the control of events over us we are not islands. Actions and events affect us and to say that we just get over it is denial in my view. I have never said one must 'just get over it'. I fully apprciate and realise how difficult this is, and what a monumental task such an undertaking can be. But it's interesting you bring up the island analogy. you're right - we are not islands. But being inured to the vagarities, ups and downs and twists and turns of life, has been likened to being a lighthouse on a rocky outcrop. No matter what the elements hurl at you, whatever the climate, conditions and temperatures, you are imperturbable. It can, and does happen. but it takes time, and willingness. Sometimes, some people don't want to let go of the whole animosity thing, because it would feel like 'admitting defeat'. But in fact, altruism and magnanimity are the greatest gifts you could give yourself. The ability to forgive and understand, is hugely liberating.
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Impossible for you. but not impossible for others. So, it is you who differ from others, not I. That is to say, it CAN and has been done. but you aren't willing to do it..... Your disagreement is not therefore a contradiction of truth - it is an obstinacy..... It's sad to ask, but you have to consider how it feels within you, to hold onto that. because what you're doing - is already 'cutting'.
Spark1111 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 didn't Shania Twain marry the other BS after discovering her personal assistant was having an affair with her H? I think she did. maybe it is not all that unusual. 1
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I know of a couple also. You are right Shania did marry the other BS. I personally think it is a little strange to have that constant contact with the WS and new partner...but that is just me. I don't think it is that uncommon.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Actually I think it's exactly like Tara's verbatim quote to marry the other Bs. It's like signing up for wallowing. The biggest thing you have in common is hurt from the same source. Not much of a basis. Two pathetic losers grasping at the first thing in sight....., the other BS. Sorry. I'm a pathetic loser too. Just not grasping at the BS of my WS. That would really bad right?
Author beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Sorry to burst your bubble, but both of the former BSs are very good looking successful professionals! They also are good, kind, thoughtful Christian people who devoted their lives to their family. I'm glad they found someone that had the same values/morals as them! 3
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Excuse me? I have never said I WS a betrayed wife with a step family of an Ow have I? I'm not. Therefore I don't even have the option of following your "advice" it's not relevant. I don't think its morally right to do that even of you could. And there are plenty of people who take my view. So you are different from many people. I think you have least 2 straw men in there. If none of this applies to you then, why are you arguing the points? if you have no experience of such a situation, you're speaking from a purely hypothetical viewpoint, and are making assumptions and suppositions. Your standpoint - if indeed none of this applies to you in any way - is merely observational and theoretical.... Your opinions are even more irrelevant than mine.... If that is what you're telling me..........
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (Forgive my crude phrasing). Speaking as a BH, I think banging the OM's W would be the ultimate revenge. Just being honest. I suspect it's got to be tempting to both BSs, especially if there's any mutual attraction. I hope marrying her wasn't just a RA gone yet another step too far. Not a great foundation, you know? All that said, I can understand a BS making a connection with another BS. It's tough to trust anyone post-infidelity. At least with another BS, you both probably have built-in sensitivity to boundaries, transparency, and the like. If they are both happy (and the blended family thing works), more power to them. 1
NotInProvence Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I promised I was never coming back here, but I have to jump in and say...it might be weird, but it isn't always bad. My mother's younger sister married her high school sweetheart; they had four kids and became best friends with another couple that had two children. One day, my aunt learned that her husband was having an affair with her best friend. She promptly threw him out and filed for divorce. The OW divorced her husband; the APs got married and had two kids of their own. They are still together, albeit unhappily; seems he just can't stay faithful. After a few years, yep...my aunt married the OW's ex-husband. They had no children of their own, but he doted on her and they were both totally faithful for almost 30 years. Sadly, in 2001 my uncle died unexpectedly. My aunt barely wept at her mother's funeral, but at his she was a mess. She has no interest in dating or remarrying, and has said his death was the worst thing that ever happened to her. They kept contact with their exes to a bare minimum, and now that the kids are grown she has cut her former husband out of her life entirely. Oh, and those kids? My cousins--all of them, from both sides--are some of the happiest and most well-adjusted people I know. Yes it's weird, but it isn't necessarily always a train wreck. 1
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