In love with what was a separated man. VERY LONG SORRY!!!!

[Misspennyapple]

I honestly can't believe I'm about to type all this, but I need someone who isn't involved or close to me to understand and help me deal with my situation.

Okay so I am 21 from the northern part of the country, lets just say by those big lakes. Last couple years I've been in a big slump and have basically just been working spending time with family and playing video games. I game a lot. It kind of became an outlet a couple years ago for me to stay out of trouble and yet have something to do, and I meet a lot of people on there which I become close too. One I became too close too.

 

I met a guy on there about 10 months ago from today. I have a close knit group of online friends, mostly guys from all over who are all ages from 15-42, we all talk and bull**** and get along, and we actually know a lot about each others lives. Well I met a guy through a friend who instantly we got along.

He was very charming, and even though I knew nothing about this person, and had never seen him, some how there was an immediate connection. Well a week or so later when we were all playing I found out he was married. Immediately made flirting or playing alone off limits.

 

We still were good friends but after a few months he stopped coming on. Skip ahead to September and out of nowhere we start playing again. At this point I had forgotten all he had told me and pretty me erased him from memory but as we started playing again, instantly a connection. We both started coming online a lot more and playing together. Not remembering he was married we started flirting and talking like crazy. I eventually learned he was 34 and from Texas. I learned a lot about his family and even found out I was close with his brother online too. And before long gaming turned into texting.

 

Just normal conversations and light flirting. Well that turned into phone conversations. During our phone conversations I found out he had been separated from his wife for a few months, they were living separately, and going through a divorce due to the fact that she was unfaithful years before and had came clean(they also have no kids). I kept my guard up but figured whats the harm in just having a long distance friend. Well eventually phone conversations turned into picture messaging, and then the conversation ended up more hot and heavy.

 

Then picture messaging turned into video chats on the ps3, and then we evens started facetiming. Surprisingly I kept a clear head through all of this, telling him not to get attached and that eventually it'd have I end. We ended up talking everyday, we'd chat when he was on his way to work early, his lunch break, my break, his way home, before bed, we lost a lot of sleep due to chatting constantly. We'd video chat on the weekends for a few hours and even got drunk together over camera.

Honestly I'd never imagined I could get to know someone so well without meeting them, but we became extremely close. Right after the video chats started he dropped a bombshell on me, he told me his wife was pregnant. I told him that didn't effect me, because we were just friends, and it would never become anything. Turns out he had other plans, he started talking about me coming to see him and us meeting and possibly being together someday. I made it very clear that maybe someday it would be an option, but I would never meet him until he had proof of his divorce and it was officially over.

 

He started talking about being with me, and about showing up and surprising me. Then eventually I tried to end it, it was late October we talked and I told him we needed to stop, that We were both getting too attached and that I knew he wouldn't throw away 10 years of marriage just like that, and that'd he'd go back to her , and the excitement of me would wear off, and that with a baby on the way he would end up with her again. After days and days of this, he kept going on and on about how his marriage has been bad for the past 5 years. And how they've been sleeping in separate rooms, and that she hasn't just cheated once, that it was an ongoing affair, and that the relationship is over for him. That he will always love and care for her but he was no longer in love with her. So finally he convinced me to keep it going. And it was great for weeks.

 

We became so close, he even slipped an I love you and started saying that occasionally. Eventually I fully let my guard down and fell for him completely. He is such a southern gentleman, and we have so much in common. We both love shooting and the outdoors, football, fishing, gaming, I love to refinish old furniture and found out he has refinished many antiques. We talked like best friends, gave each other crap like brother and sister, he was caring and protective over me and constantly worried about me, and we has such a strong attraction to one another (and even though we've never met a crazy sexual attraction).

I wasn't fully attracted at first, but once we got to know each other I can just see his smile and melt. I am overweight, and was very honest with him about it, I was very shy about it for a long time and thought he would never like me because of it, and he said that its what's on the inside that counts, and that I could lose it so quick if I wanted too. In fact he made me feel so good and motivated me so much I started working out and eating better and have lost 20+lbs and he's lost a lot too during the past 4 months.

 

Anyway it got to the point where he started bringing up me coming there and us being together. He eventually even told his dad about me. Well that's when things went downhill. His dad apparently was accepting of the I guess relationship we had going, but told him that he should make sure everything with his marriage was completely over. Well things got even worse after that, his wife apparently received his phone bill and saw all of our calls and messages. According to him he wanted the divorce, but she accepted it, and hadn't tried I change his mind since he first told her. Well until she found out about me. We had been Facebook friends before things got serious, and even though we Never even commented or messaged she found me on there. And the next day she went begging and crying for him back.

 

He finally told me he had to give her another chance, to be certain 100%. That he didn't want to be with me unless he knew it was over. Then all of a sudden she was supposed to move in two weeks later. During that two weeks things didn't stop, he had said it was over but we still talked like normal. I was devastated and heartbroken. After the handful of times I had told him it had to end now I was finally open to it and he wanted to end it. Then she moved back in early and moved in right before thanksgiving. Well he said it had to Stop when she moved back in but it didn't. They were still sleeping in separate rooms, he would text me all the time, call me after work and on the way to work, FaceTime me when he was at the house alone. Then a few days after thanksgiving he told me he made a mistake.

 

That he cringed at even holding her hand, and that nothing was different. Previously he made her out to be a very controlling person. She hated his hobbies and he said he eventually stopped doing them she would complain so much. She would force him to go to her family gatherings and yet wouldn't go to his. She disliked his whole family. Honestly if she's anything like what I've heard, I don't know how someone as fun and nice as him could be with someone like her. Anyway he said it wasn't there for him still, and he said he wanted to wait until after the holidays to clear things up. Then a week later he changed his mind again and said it wasn't fair to her if he kept talking to me because she never got a real chance to prove she's willing to change and that things have to stop with me. This would happen over and over. One of us would end up drinking and sending a message, we'd start talking like friend and having great conversations then bam, he can't talk anymore. The sexual talk would still happen occasionally but finally ended right before Christmas.

 

We still talk now and then and he says he misses me dearly and is so sorry for hurting me but it has to be this way. He even called me yesterday morning. We always have normal humerus conversations that eventually turn emotional and end with him saying goodbye. Ever since New Years I have been casually dating a very nice handsome guy. He's successful and really great, but I still can't get Matt out of my head. I found out yesterday he told her everything too. She knew we were close before, and hated me, but now that she knows everything she watches him constantly. I tried to tell him early that she only wanted him back because she saw he was happy. All his family and friends said he had this glow about him, and that he smiled a lot more. I told him things might be different for awhile but eventually they'll go back to the same way.

 

I care about this man so much. I have stopped trying to change his mind but I know I won't be able to help but wait. I mean a part of me will always be hoping and wondering if and when it will be over and if I will ever get that call. I dream about him almost every night. I've had some really messed up dreams to with his wife in them and me telling her how selfish she is being and to just let go.

He even said it himself he wonders if she doesn't want to get divorced because now she's realizing she'll have to be a single mother. He's financially better off than her. He seems so unhappy the few times we have talked lately. I don't know what to do. I can't move on. I'm sorry this is so long but I want all the facts and this doesn't even come close to it all. Am I crazy for feeling this way!?

 

Is it normal to be this attached to someone you've never even met? How do I move on? Sorry for the bad grammar and typos, I just got off a long graveyard shift.

Edited January 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[jf2good]

Catfish. Too long and one paragraph for me to read, I get lost. However it is clear he didn't or hasn't told you everything, therefore Catfish. If his wife was cheating as much as you say he would have dumped her long ago and completed a divorce as in Texas he would only have child support. If he can't afford that he isn't worth getting emotional over. You are way young to get stuck on this relationship, move on to a real relationship with someone who has is own life without the kids and the wife. Yes it is normal to feel that way about someone you have never met in person, it hurts just as much to end the relationship, but ending it is the right thing to do.

[Steen719]

I honestly can't believe I'm about to type all this, but I need someone who isn't involved or close to me to understand and help me deal with my situation. Okay so I am 21 from the northern part of the country, lets just say by those big lakes. Last couple years I've been in a big slump and have basically just been working spending time with family and playing video games. I game a lot. It kind of became an outlet a couple years ago for me to stay out of trouble and yet have something to do, and I meet a lot of people on there which I become close too. One I became too close too. I met a guy on there about 10 months ago from today. I have a close knit group of online friends, mostly guys from all over who are all ages from 15-42, we all talk and bull**** and get along, and we actually know a lot about each others lives. Well I met a guy through a friend who instantly we got along. He was very charming, and even though I knew nothing about this person, and had never seen him, some how there was an immediate connection. Well a week or so later when we were all playing I found out he was married. Immediately made flirting or playing alone off limits. We still were good friends but after a few months he stopped coming on.

 

Skip ahead to September and out of nowhere we start playing again. At this point I had forgotten all he had told me and pretty me erased him from memory but as we started playing again, instantly a connection. We both started coming online a lot more and playing together. Not remembering he was married we started flirting and talking like crazy. I eventually learned he was 34 and from Texas. I learned a lot about his family and even found out I was close with his brother online too. And before long gaming turned into texting. Just normal conversations and light flirting. Well that turned into phone conversations. During our phone conversations I found out he had been separated from his wife for a few months, they were living separately, and going through a divorce due to the fact that she was unfaithful years before and had came clean(they also have no kids). I kept my guard up but figured whats the harm in just having a long distance friend.

 

Well eventually phone conversations turned into picture messaging, and then the conversation ended up more hot and heavy. Then picture messaging turned into video chats on the ps3, and then we evens started facetiming. Surprisingly I kept a clear head through all of this, telling him not to get attached and that eventually it'd have I end. We ended up talking everyday, we'd chat when he was on his way to work early, his lunch break, my break, his way home, before bed, we lost a lot of sleep due to chatting constantly. We'd video chat on the weekends for a few hours and even got drunk together over camera. Honestly I'd never imagined I could get to know someone so well without meeting them, but we became extremely close. Right after the video chats started he dropped a bombshell on me, he told me his wife was pregnant. I told him that didn't effect me, because we were just friends, and it would never become anything. Turns out he had other plans, he started talking about me coming to see him and us meeting and possibly being together someday. I made it very clear that maybe someday it would be an option, but I would never meet him until he had proof of his divorce and it was officially over. He started talking about being with me, and about showing up and surprising me.

 

Then eventually I tried to end it, it was late October we talked and I told him we needed to stop, that We were both getting too attached and that I knew he wouldn't throw away 10 years of marriage just like that, and that'd he'd go back to her , and the excitement of me would wear off, and that with a baby on the way he would end up with her again. After days and days of this, he kept going on and on about how his marriage has been bad for the past 5 years. And how they've been sleeping in separate rooms, and that she hasn't just cheated once, that it was an ongoing affair, and that the relationship is over for him. That he will always love and care for her but he was no longer in love with her. So finally he convinced me to keep it going. And it was great for weeks. We became so close, he even slipped an I love you and started saying that occasionally. Eventually I fully let my guard down and fell for him completely. He is such a southern gentleman, and we have so much in common. We both love shooting and the outdoors, football, fishing, gaming, I love to refinish old furniture and found out he has refinished many antiques. We talked like best friends, gave each other crap like brother and sister, he was caring and protective over me and constantly worried about me, and we has such a strong attraction to one another (and even though we've never met a crazy sexual attraction). I wasn't fully attracted at first, but once we got to know each other I can just see his smile and melt. I am overweight, and was very honest with him about it, I was very shy about it for a long time and thought he would never like me because of it, and he said that its what's on the inside that counts, and that I could lose it so quick if I wanted too. In fact he made me feel so good and motivated me so much I started working out and eating better and have lost 20+lbs and he's lost a lot too during the past 4 months.

 

Anyway it got to the point where he started bringing up me coming there and us being together. He eventually even told his dad about me. Well that's when things went downhill. His dad apparently was accepting of the I guess relationship we had going, but told him that he should make sure everything with his marriage was completely over. Well things got even worse after that, his wife apparently received his phone bill and saw all of our calls and messages. According to him he wanted the divorce, but she accepted it, and hadn't tried I change his mind since he first told her. Well until she found out about me. We had been Facebook friends before things got serious, and even though we Never even commented or messaged she found me on there. And the next day she went begging and crying for him back. He finally told me he had to give her another chance, to be certain 100%. That he didn't want to be with me unless he knew it was over. Then all of a sudden she was supposed to move in two weeks later. During that two weeks things didn't stop, he had said it was over but we still talked like normal. I was devastated and heartbroken. After the handful of times I had told him it had to end now I was finally open to it and he wanted to end it. Then she moved back in early and moved in right before thanksgiving. Well he said it had to Stop when she moved back in but it didn't. They were still sleeping in separate rooms, he would text me all the time, call me after work and on the way to work, FaceTime me when he was at the house alone.

 

Then a few days after thanksgiving he told me he made a mistake. That he cringed at even holding her hand, and that nothing was different. Previously he made her out to be a very controlling person. She hated his hobbies and he said he eventually stopped doing them she would complain so much. She would force him to go to her family gatherings and yet wouldn't go to his. She disliked his whole family. Honestly if she's anything like what I've heard, I don't know how someone as fun and nice as him could be with someone like her. Anyway he said it wasn't there for him still, and he said he wanted to wait until after the holidays to clear things up. Then a week later he changed his mind again and said it wasn't fair to her if he kept talking to me because she never got a real chance to prove she's willing to change and that things have to stop with me. This would happen over and over. One of us would end up drinking and sending a message, we'd start talking like friend and having great conversations then bam, he can't talk anymore. The sexual talk would still happen occasionally but finally ended right before Christmas.

 

We still talk now and then and he says he misses me dearly and is so sorry for hurting me but it has to be this way. He even called me yesterday morning. We always have normal humerus conversations that eventually turn emotional and end with him saying goodbye. Ever since New Years I have been casually dating a very nice handsome guy. He's successful and really great, but I still can't get Matt out of my head. I found out yesterday he told her everything too. She knew we were close before, and hated me, but now that she knows everything she watches him constantly. I tried to tell him early that she only wanted him back because she saw he was happy. All his family and friends said he had this glow about him, and that he smiled a lot more. I told him things might be different for awhile but eventually they'll go back to the same way. I care about this man so much. I have stopped trying to change his mind but I know I won't be able to help but wait. I mean a part of me will always be hoping and wondering if and when it will be over and if I will ever get that call. I dream about him almost every night. I've had some really messed up dreams to with his wife in them and me telling her how selfish she is being and to just let go. He even said it himself he wonders if she doesn't want to get divorced because now she's realizing she'll have to be a single mother. He's financially better off than her. He seems so unhappy the few times we have talked lately. I don't know what to do. I can't move on.

 

I'm sorry this is so long but I want all the facts and this doesn't even come close to it all. Am I crazy for feeling this way!? Is it normal to be this attached to someone you've never even met? How do I move on? Sorry for the bad grammar and typos, I just got off a long graveyard shift.

 

I separated this for you, but it is still long.

 

My comments are that it seems unlikely that you "forgot" everything he told you prior to you starting back up, as with your ability to recall all of this, you appear to have a good memory.

 

You are 21 and he is 34, married and has a child on the way. He is no southern gentleman. He is a creep who is willing to string you along like a puppy. Lose this loser and find a man who is not married, who doesn't lie and cheat on his pregnant wife. Once away from him, you will see how he has been playing you. Tell some friends, tell your brother if you have one. He will tell you what this guy is up to. Cheating and lying - plain and simple.

[Misspennyapple]

How has he been cheating and lying? He hasn't been with this woman for 7 months. I know this because I also know his brother. And he's not a creep, or I wouldn't be so stuck on him. The fact that he's so honest about the whole situation is what makes me like him even more. It's not cheating because a) they were separated, and b) we've never officially met. She knows all about who I am, and it wasn't until as saw how close we were becoming that she all of a sudden decided she had to have him back. So no cheating has taken place, except years back when she did on him. She apparently came clean after getting pregnant, he says the marriage has been bad for a long time, that after a few years of marriage she changed and became very controlling and started going out late constantly with her friends. They were trying to fix it, he's been unhappy, but after finding out she was unfaithful he couldn't. I know he's still unhappy now but he's trying to force it to work for his baby and her family. I don't know how you call i cheating, we have a strong emotional connection but have never met!

[jf2good]

Cheating or not, WHY do you need him and all of his problems? I still feel he hasn't told you everything, and you won't like it when he does or you find out. You don't need a relationship with all this baggage. Start clean, start fresh with someone who isn't married or at least has completed his divorced. What if he doesn't ever get divorced? Why wait, make him wait on you, move on and if in the future he becomes free and you are at that time then you can try again.

[GuyInLimbo]

Steen speaks the truth. Extract yourself from this relationship immediately and never, ever look back.

 

And get out of the house. I was sort of in your shoes in my 20's and wasted years of my life sitting around at home and ended up in a really bad long-distance, dysfunctional relationship for 2 1/2 years. Get out and meet people in person - get to know them face-to-face.

 

You're very young. The last thing you need is to get involved in a relationship like this, for sure. You KNOW the answer. That's why you're here. We're telling you to stick with your gut and GET AWAY FROM THIS JERKOFF!