Working together with your ex

[Panda87]

Hi all, would like to share my quite complicated story. Hope you guys can help me give me some advice... Just to let you know first, i am bisexual. My relationship with this girl, is my first relationship with girl.

 

Here is my story, i was in 8 months relationship with my coworker (girl) although it shorts but it was so intense. So everything going great for the 4-5 months, until the honeymoon part over. we started to quarell often and things getting bad. So she decided to break up with me, which at first i agreed because i did feel tired too. But my heart feel so hurts after the break up, perhaps because im going through the griefing part. denial, frustation, depression, and anger, so things that supposed to be mutual break up. It doesnt anymore, i keep asking her for another chance, which she did give me... but after awhile she realize that she doesnt love me anymore, things change. She thinks she is not ready for relationship, she wants freedom. She wants me to move on, but she wants to stay as friends (even best friends, because i know alot of things about her), which i agreed at first. but on later part, i realize its so hard. so i told her we cant be friends, at first she was so upset about it. But she respect my decision. Alot of things going through my mind and my heart, i cant concentrate doing my works. i cant seems to be myself around my coworker and her. She was in 3 weeks vacation to her hometown after our breakup, so it thought this could be the best time for me to start NC and heal myself. Unfortunately, i cant resist the temptation to contact her. I told her i miss her, and i want to be friends with her again. Which she is happily agreed, but things change alot. She is not the same person as i used to know, though stay as friends. Her response to my messages most of the times short, and it shows she doesnt really care about me anymore. so here we goes, i gets weak again and crazy. I told her i want her back, she said she cant because she is dating now. My heart suddenly puff, goes to dust. Im going back to my original shape again, after she told me that. i really stop contacting her, delete everything about her. After 2 weeks no contact with her, losing alot of weight just in 2 weeks. We meet in office again, when the first time she saw me she seems so happy. she keep compliment me, im getting skinnier and prettier. keep going to my desk to talk to me, her touch bring me back to square again. Remember at this point, we are in no friends terms, so i ignore her most of the times. but still stay friendly, no hate whatsoever. Because i know she never intentionally hurts me, its me who hurts myself. I just cant bare with the thought she can move on so fast, so for the first time meeting her after 3 week. I feel confident, bec of her compliment. and the crazy thought come back again, thinking maybe she would change her minds about us. So after 3 days, i told her i still care about her... and i did the stupidest thing i ever do, i hug and kiss her on her forehead. Because i thought she still has feeling for me, she just hiding it. But it turns out only in my mind games, i asked he what she feels. she said she doesnt feel anything, she treat me as her friends only. Because of that hug and kiss, im getting emotional again. So i begged for her again, damn i know. i need to grow up! she doesnt love me, she wants me to move on, she already has feeling with someone else! i still cant read all those things using my brain. So after that day, here i am going back to square again. and finally accepting it is really OVER long time ago. She switch her feeling to someone else so easily, and forget about us. She still nice to me, after all the crazy things i did for her. She is the grown up one, i am the childish one. I still love her, i told her i will always love her. She brings me laugh and joy to my life. It was my fault that i take things for granted, but it was too late until i realize this. but i know she wasnt perfect either, i hope someday she really understand how i feel.

 

My question is, how to move on if i see her everyday, go lunch with her everyday, see her laugh everyday, when i tried my best to stay strong. Worst case, she seats near me so i always put my earphone on loud, so i cant hear laugh. I cant change my job, i love my job now. it will be something i regret later if i decided to change my job. All my colleagues notice that i seems different esp to her. We all always jokes together all the time, so now when they making jokes with her. i just smile, but not joining with the jokes. Im seriously dont know if i can 100% move on when she still around. But at this stage, i can say i want her happy with or without me. Thought it hurts me bad.

 

Yesterday, she asked me why i block her facebook. I did this 3 weeks ago, only recently she realize it. I told her, i need to heal. Reasons she breaks up, because she said i dominant her too much, and care too much. Which i admit it, i know my mistakes. Im still learning to be better.

 

Sorry for my long story, i've been trying to help myself. talking to my best friends, but they never experience the same thing. So i believe someone here can relate to my story better without any judgement.

[Panda87]

Also another add up story. I think she is my rebound, i was with her 1 minth after i break up with 1 year relationship with my boyfriend... When im with her, my ex boyfriend still contacting me (she knows) I thought i still have feeling for him at that time but after she break up with mer. I cant stop thinking about her, i realize i really love her... Im so messed up

[TaraMaiden]

Hi all, would like to share my quite complicated story. Hope you guys can help me give me some advice... Just to let you know first, i am bisexual. My relationship with this girl, is my first relationship with girl.

 

Here is my story, i was in 8 months relationship with my coworker (girl) although it shorts but it was so intense. So everything going great for the 4-5 months, until the honeymoon part over. we started to quarell often and things getting bad. So she decided to break up with me, which at first i agreed because i did feel tired too. But my heart feel so hurts after the break up, perhaps because im going through the griefing part. denial, frustation, depression, and anger, so things that supposed to be mutual break up. It doesnt anymore, i keep asking her for another chance, which she did give me... but after awhile she realize that she doesnt love me anymore, things change. She thinks she is not ready for relationship, she wants freedom. She wants me to move on, but she wants to stay as friends (even best friends, because i know alot of things about her), which i agreed at first. but on later part, i realize its so hard. so i told her we cant be friends, at first she was so upset about it. But she respect my decision. Alot of things going through my mind and my heart, i cant concentrate doing my works. i cant seems to be myself around my coworker and her. She was in 3 weeks vacation to her hometown after our breakup, so it thought this could be the best time for me to start NC and heal myself. Unfortunately, i cant resist the temptation to contact her. I told her i miss her, and i want to be friends with her again. Which she is happily agreed, but things change alot. She is not the same person as i used to know, though stay as friends. Her response to my messages most of the times short, and it shows she doesnt really care about me anymore. so here we goes, i gets weak again and crazy. I told her i want her back, she said she cant because she is dating now. My heart suddenly puff, goes to dust. Im going back to my original shape again, after she told me that. i really stop contacting her, delete everything about her. After 2 weeks no contact with her, losing alot of weight just in 2 weeks. We meet in office again, when the first time she saw me she seems so happy. she keep compliment me, im getting skinnier and prettier. keep going to my desk to talk to me, her touch bring me back to square again. Remember at this point, we are in no friends terms, so i ignore her most of the times. but still stay friendly, no hate whatsoever. Because i know she never intentionally hurts me, its me who hurts myself. I just cant bare with the thought she can move on so fast, so for the first time meeting her after 3 week. I feel confident, bec of her compliment. and the crazy thought come back again, thinking maybe she would change her minds about us. So after 3 days, i told her i still care about her... and i did the stupidest thing i ever do, i hug and kiss her on her forehead. Because i thought she still has feeling for me, she just hiding it. But it turns out only in my mind games, i asked he what she feels. she said she doesnt feel anything, she treat me as her friends only. Because of that hug and kiss, im getting emotional again. So i begged for her again, damn i know. i need to grow up! she doesnt love me, she wants me to move on, she already has feeling with someone else! i still cant read all those things using my brain. So after that day, here i am going back to square again. and finally accepting it is really OVER long time ago. She switch her feeling to someone else so easily, and forget about us. She still nice to me, after all the crazy things i did for her. She is the grown up one, i am the childish one. I still love her, i told her i will always love her. She brings me laugh and joy to my life. It was my fault that i take things for granted, but it was too late until i realize this. but i know she wasnt perfect either, i hope someday she really understand how i feel.

 

My question is, how to move on if i see her everyday, go lunch with her everyday, see her laugh everyday, when i tried my best to stay strong. Worst case, she seats near me so i always put my earphone on loud, so i cant hear laugh. I cant change my job, i love my job now. it will be something i regret later if i decided to change my job. All my colleagues notice that i seems different esp to her. We all always jokes together all the time, so now when they making jokes with her. i just smile, but not joining with the jokes. Im seriously dont know if i can 100% move on when she still around. But at this stage, i can say i want her happy with or without me. Thought it hurts me bad.

 

Yesterday, she asked me why i block her facebook. I did this 3 weeks ago, only recently she realize it. I told her, i need to heal. Reasons she breaks up, because she said i dominant her too much, and care too much. Which i admit it, i know my mistakes. Im still learning to be better.

 

Sorry for my long story, i've been trying to help myself. talking to my best friends, but they never experience the same thing. So i believe someone here can relate to my story better without any judgement.

 

Also another add up story. I think she is my rebound, i was with her 1 minth after i break up with 1 year relationship with my boyfriend... When im with her, my ex boyfriend still contacting me (she knows) I thought i still have feeling for him at that time but after she break up with mer. I cant stop thinking about her, i realize i really love her... Im so messed up

 

Let me demonstrate below, how much of your first post is actually relevant...

 

Hi all, would like to share my story. Hope you guys can help me give me some advice... Just to let you know first, i am bisexual. My relationship with this girl, is my first relationship with girl.

 

Here is my story, i was in 8 months relationship with my coworker (girl) although it shorts but it was so intense. So everything going great for the 4-5 months, until the honeymoon part over. we started to quarell often and things getting bad. So she decided to break up with me,

 

...i keep asking her for another chance, which she did give me... but after awhile she realize that she doesnt love me anymore, things change. She thinks she is not ready for relationship, she wants freedom. She wants me to move on, but she wants to stay as friends (even best friends, because i know alot of things about her), which i agreed at first. but on later part, i realize its so hard. so i told her we cant be friends, at first she was so upset about it. But she respect my decision.

 

.....Unfortunately, i cant resist the temptation to contact her. I told her i miss her, and i want to be friends with her again. Which she is happily agreed, but things change alot.

 

i gets weak again and crazy. I told her i want her back, she said she cant because she is dating now. My heart suddenly puff, goes to dust.

 

We meet in office again, keep going to my desk to talk to me, her touch bring me back to square again.

 

So i begged for her again, damn i know. i need to grow up! she doesnt love me, she wants me to move on, she already has feeling with someone else!

 

My question is, how to move on if i see her everyday,

 

Yesterday, she asked me why i block her facebook. I did this 3 weeks ago, only recently she realize it. I told her, i need to heal.

 

Sorry for my long story, i believe someone here can relate to my story better without any judgement

 

Much shorter, relevant and to the point, sadly.....

See... the big problem is, when you decide to implement No Contact, you have to almost be business-like about it.

Determined, serious and committed.

 

Caliguy used to work with his ex- in the same building and company, under the same roof. He used to see her very often, but when he found himself in the position of having to talk to her, to engage with her, he would always keep it on a completely professional level.

he never talked to her at work, about personal things.

He never let his private feelings become public, at work.

It was just work.

This is what you must do. be polite, cordial and completely, only businesslike.

 

Your post was very emotional, about something that happens in your practical world.

When at work, that is what you must be.

At Work.

 

Read the No Contact Guide very thoroughly. It will only help you if you make sure it is stuck to, all the time.

 

Wow, Look everyone - Caliguy No Contact Guide being used in Korea - how cool is that??

[Forever Learning]

Oh Panda, I am so sorry you are going through so much pain and suffering. This sounds very common though, if you read through other stories on the "Breaks and Breaking Up" section, and the "Coping" section, or even in the "Divorce" section, you will see so many people struggling with a break up and the heart break and sadness that comes with it. We all feel for you, and of course they write songs about it you know - "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do".

 

There are chemicals that your brain produces when you in love that make you feel 'high' and happy. Then when a break up occurs, the shift in chemicals produces real sadness. Exercising daily, eating fruits and vegetables, taking a multivitamin, getting enough sleep, all can help you. You might consider an anti-depressant if you get too overwhelmed with sad feelings. I take Celexa, a low dose, and it is very helpful for my mood.

 

I don't know about you staying at this job. Maybe you should just keep open to the thought of finding another job eventually. Seeing her all the time is tough. That may slow your healing. There are so many threads around here about "No Contact". I'm glad you blocked her on Facebook. When she asks about your avoidance of her, just be clear and honest and explain that you can't be friends or have social contact, and only professional contact on the job, for your healing. She sounds caring, I think she will understand.

 

Lastly..... one of quickest ways to get your focus off her, is to find yourself a new love. Not necessarily a great idea, but an idea none the less. All the best to you!

[Forever Learning]

Wow, Look everyone - Caliguy No Contact Guide being used in Korea - how cool is that??

 

Mind boggling COOL!!!!!

 

Caliguy may want to consider becoming an author and motivational speaker!!

 

 

You're not too shabby yourself, TaraMaiden!! :D

 

(Read: You are BEYOND AWESOME)

[TaraMaiden]

Cool post, FL....

 

#4 that is.....

 

#5?

 

I couldn't possibly comment.....

 

[newmoon]

i work with my ex as well - my advice is to keep it 'strictly business' when talking to them (and avoid talking to them if you can). just do the bare minimum needed to meet your work duties and if you can request something of someone else in the office, do that instead. and don't go into the lunchroom/break area/resrtoom space/employee lounge areas when you know this person is in/around there - that is just asking for trouble. and you absolutely have to be NC with your co-worker outside of work, you just have to, or it'll get all messed up again. it's so hard to watch people be happy without you, but if they can be happy again so can you - that is the message.

[Panda87]

Hi all, thank you for all the advices. I will do my best to keep in professional level, and treat her like other coworker. Its so hard, esp she seat just behind my back and we always go out lunch together with other coworker. Its hard to fake it, act like we never been together. It was easy for her, bec she alr move on. Everytime i feel down, i go to restroom and breathe deeply. Keep telling myself, she is not the same person that i fell in love anymore. In her eyes, i only her friend. I wish i can just take this feeling away, so everytime i see her i feel nothing. I read the No contact rule by caliguy, its great! But my question is, if you see your ex everyday does it mean you break the NC? I really want to heal, and stop my minds from wanting or miss her. But seeing her everyday, take my power away...

[TaraMaiden]

No... 'seeing her every day' is inevitable.

What you think, and how you let yourself feel, is what takes your power away...

 

...or brings it back.

 

There is a phrase here we use which advises:

 

"Fake it, until you make it."

 

That is, you may not really feel over her, but pretend to her - and everyone else - that you are.

You will soon find that if you maintain a calm exterior, with a "I'm really Okay" attitude, you will soon really begin to feel that way.

 

Do not go home and mope, pine or sit wishing and missing her.

 

When I was going through a very bad time in my life, I actually FORCED myself to go out for walks, and every person I met, i said good morning, or spoke to mothers about their delightful kids, or sat at a café, and joined in a conversation.... "Excuse me, i couldn't help overhearing, what you are saying is very interesting...." that kind of thing.

 

Mix with others, and be friendly.

soon, you will find that there are better blessings in life, than just the way one girl feels about you.

[Panda87]

Hi new moon, mind to share your story with me? I wish i can avoid her, but i cant. My company is not a big company. So each of coworker are very close to each other, laugh and jokes around. It will looks so awkard if suddenly i act quiet. So as hard as it may seem, sometimes i still try to smile and laugh with them. Though my mind almost burst out. Me and my coworkers (include her) always plan outing/ hang out together before, so now bec of this. I always say i cant join them, which appear to them im avoiding them. Makes me sad, but i need to do this. Or else i will be reminded of the good times with her... i know the only way for me is to just take it day by day, eventhough its hard because i have no other choice

[Panda87]

By the way i know no one asked abt my age, Im 25

[newmoon]

Hi new moon, mind to share your story with me? I wish i can avoid her, but i cant. My company is not a big company. So each of coworker are very close to each other, laugh and jokes around. It will looks so awkard if suddenly i act quiet. So as hard as it may seem, sometimes i still try to smile and laugh with them. Though my mind almost burst out. Me and my coworkers (include her) always plan outing/ hang out together before, so now bec of this. I always say i cant join them, which appear to them im avoiding them. Makes me sad, but i need to do this. Or else i will be reminded of the good times with her... i know the only way for me is to just take it day by day, eventhough its hard because i have no other choice

 

our office is small too, just 13 people and we all sit in the same general space. i know you cannot avoid her, and at work you have to be in contact, but just as professionals. so contact at work if you must, but NC anytime else. there are some days when i completely avoid the bf and just walk past without saying anything all day - it can be done. yes, other people will see it, but they are generally respectful enough to not say anything.

 

definitely participate in the laughing/joking around with the other people in the office, i have found it actually makes me fell better. if she is part of the conversation that's fine, but don't encourage her to tell stories/share, etc. direct your comments at the other people and don't do 'inside jokes' with her or anything like that. although it may hurt you a bit now you're right to decline invitations to go out with your co-workers; you won't heal if you're in her company outside of work. just keep declining and they will eventually stop asking, or come up with some excuse - hey guys, i signed up for an XYZ class after work each night, i cannot go out after work anymore. make an effort to appear busy and then be busy with other stuff.

 

my bf and i dated 1.5 years and have worked together for 2. we recently broke up, but have often had fights that carried into the workplace. i would just 100% ignore him and if he was in the room i'd get up and walk out and find something else to do. i would just avoid him at all costs and ask other people for things i needed. and if he was the only person who could help i would ask my supervisor to ask on my behalf. i also used the headphones/music as a way to avoid talking to anyone, including him, i think that's actually not a bad thing (listening to music) if your company allows it

Edited January 12, 2013 by newmoon

[Panda87]

our office is small too, just 13 people and we all sit in the same general space. i know you cannot avoid her, and at work you have to be in contact, but just as professionals. so contact at work if you must, but NC anytime else. there are some days when i completely avoid the bf and just walk past without saying anything all day - it can be done. yes, other people will see it, but they are generally respectful enough to not say anything.

 

definitely participate in the laughing/joking around with the other people in the office, i have found it actually makes me fell better. if she is part of the conversation that's fine, but don't encourage her to tell stories/share, etc. direct your comments at the other people and don't do 'inside jokes' with her or anything like that. although it may hurt you a bit now you're right to decline invitations to go out with your co-workers; you won't heal if you're in her company outside of work. just keep declining and they will eventually stop asking, or come up with some excuse - hey guys, i signed up for an XYZ class after work each night, i cannot go out after work anymore. make an effort to appear busy and then be busy with other stuff.

 

my bf and i dated 1.5 years and have worked together for 2. we recently broke up, but have often had fights that carried into the workplace. i would just 100% ignore him and if he was in the room i'd get up and walk out and find something else to do. i would just avoid him at all costs and ask other people for things i needed. and if he was the only person who could help i would ask my supervisor to ask on my behalf. i also used the headphones/music as a way to avoid talking to anyone, including him, i think that's actually not a bad thing (listening to music) if your company allows it

 

Hi new moon, thanks alot for your advise. It gives me hope that i can eventually move on(without dating/new relationship, as im not ready yet). May i know if you are the dumper or dumpee? Or is it mutual? You are right, sometimes we do fights too. Not in front of everyone of course. I guess you are a very strong woman i salute you, i really need to get my confidence back. I just want to feel normal again...

[CaliGuy]

Wow, Look everyone - Caliguy No Contact Guide being used in Korea - how cool is that??

 

What?! Where?

[CaliGuy]

Mind boggling COOL!!!!!

 

Caliguy may want to consider becoming an author and motivational speaker!!

 

 

You're not too shabby yourself, TaraMaiden!! :D

 

(Read: You are BEYOND AWESOME)

 

Nah. I'm just happy to be alive after what happened in 2010. What I've posted isn't much different than 'NoFoolin's' guide.

[CaliGuy]

Oh he is IN Korea!

[newmoon]

Hi new moon, thanks alot for your advise. It gives me hope that i can eventually move on(without dating/new relationship, as im not ready yet). May i know if you are the dumper or dumpee? Or is it mutual? You are right, sometimes we do fights too. Not in front of everyone of course. I guess you are a very strong woman i salute you, i really need to get my confidence back. I just want to feel normal again...

 

i was let go :-) it sounds nicer than dumped... and being co-workers does put a serious twist in the NC stuff, but you'll be fine... everything heals with time. i'm at the point already where he is just another person in the office and no one special anymore