Saw xMOW in a restaurant today -- feel like I'm back at Square One

[firstandlast]

I've been in strict NC with xMOW for nearly 3 months, marriage counseling with my BS for a couple of months, making good progress -- and then I see xMOW at a restaurant today. I don't think she saw me -- I got out of there before I could even see who she was with -- but all the feelings, insecurities and anger came rushing back.

 

I told my wife immediately. She came and had some coffee with me at work, and we had a good time out tonight. But I was thinking of the xMOW the entire time.

 

Why am I still thinking about someone who hasn't given me a second thought since the breakup? Is this normal? Is my marriage doomed?

[Catplates]

YOu are thinking of her because you are still raw in your heart after breaking up with her. 3 months is not very long at all. In the greater scheme of things, it doesn't matter what she is thinking. You are with you wife working on your marriage and you won't ever have anything to do with this woman again...yes?

 

What kind of insecurity and anger do you feel ? Have you metioned this to the counsellor?

 

YOu did extremely well to get up and leave the restaurant. That was a great move, also call ing your wife was the thing to do. She is obviously supporting you a great deal.

 

Give yourself time... one day she will just be someone you used to know.

 

Best wishes and keep going,

 

Cat.

[firstandlast]

YOu are thinking of her because you are still raw in your heart after breaking up with her. 3 months is not very long at all. In the greater scheme of things, it doesn't matter what she is thinking. You are with you wife working on your marriage and you won't ever have anything to do with this woman again...yes?

 

What kind of insecurity and anger do you feel ? Have you metioned this to the counsellor?

 

YOu did extremely well to get up and leave the restaurant. That was a great move, also call ing your wife was the thing to do. She is obviously supporting you a great deal.

 

Give yourself time... one day she will just be someone you used to know.

 

Best wishes and keep going,

 

Cat.

 

Great. Now I have that Gotye song in my head.

 

Yes, this the xMOW is someone I have no intention of ever, ever getting entangled with again. A poster named Pierre talks a lot about people who need constant, fresh validation all the time, and this description fits the xMOW to a T. The problem is, I'm starting to think it describes me pretty well, too.

 

She dumped me for another AP (another coworker) in October, and since then, I've felt inadequate, despite my wife sticking with me. (My wife met the guy and said "I can see why you feel so bad -- he's ugly.") To make matters worse, she's doing very well in a job I'm struggling with.

 

I miss the attention, ego-stroking and "specialness" the affair brought. Even though I know, intellectually, that the specialness was an illusion -- and is something my wife feels about me for real.

[firstandlast]

Three months is not long at all. In fact the 3 month mark is when My ex mm & I both hit our "anger" stage according to his choice of songs (he's in radio) and according to my Twitter. You saw her, she triggered you. If u see her a year from now, I'm sure things would be different. May I ask why you never ever ever will get tangled up with her again? What angers you?

 

I won't ever get involved with her again because I'm working on my marriage, and have so much more with my wife. And I can see how little our affair really meant in the end. Every time she initiated a breakup it was so she could work on her marriage. Her newest affair -- her third in two years of marriage (the second occurred during one of our breakups, and she swore she was trying to fill the void left by me) -- made it clear that she doesn't care at all about it. Even if my marriage doesnt work out and she leaves her husband, a relationship with her would be disaster.

 

I'm angry because she basically dumped me for a new AP, a single guy I have to work with everyday. So I have this constant reminder that I didn't measure up, that I wasn't good enough. And she was really crappy about it, insisting that her feelings for the guy were fleeting and that she was in love with me. She was basically keeping me on standby while she tried to see if their mutual crush was going anywhere.

 

The bright side, as my wife pointed out, is that if the affair had ended on better terms, I might have gone through life thinking I'd missed out on the love of a lifetime.

[RickFox]

Dude, come on, sing it..... "now you're just somebody that I used to know.........." Those words should be your mantra........they were mine for a while when I had those days where I struggled.

 

You're thinking about xMW because you were rejected, as many of us have been, you fell for the words and her actions kicked you square in the nutbutters and now you are trying to fix what's broken and expecting it to be done in days. Is this normal? Thinking of xmw all the time? Yes, it's normal, for me it was and Im sure for you it is. It's your mind trying to make sense of things. Is your marriage doomed? Don't know but I'd venture to say you 've got a helluva shot at starting it over and building on it. She's still with you, right? Thoughts of xmw will lessen in time, trust me.

[jwi71]

but all the feelings, insecurities and anger came rushing back.

 

This is normal especially with so little time passing since its end.

I promise it will fade - that's the good news.

The bad? The time to not having this feelings is measured in years.

 

I told my wife immediately. She came and had some coffee with me at work, and we had a good time out tonight. But I was thinking of the xMOW the entire time.

 

Absolutely AWESOME. You called your W who came to YOU to HELP YOU in time of distress at seeing the xMOW. This is PRECISELY how M's rebuild and recover.

 

As far as thinking of the xMOW the whole night...again, its still raw and fresh.

I'm on the fence if you shouldn't have been honest(?) and told your W and spoke about it more at the expense of the good evening.

 

Why am I still thinking about someone who hasn't given me a second thought since the breakup? Is this normal? Is my marriage doomed?

 

I feel pretty damn positive about your M solely based on the fact that you called your W and she came to you - as opposed to saying some version of "go f_ck yourself".

 

The road to R is long and hard. Three months is NOTHING. It takes YEARS.

But...your W is showing some pretty good ACTIONS towards R.

 

One day at a time, one step at a time...left foot right foot left foot right foot.

[jwi71]

I'm angry because she basically dumped me for a new AP, a single guy I have to work with everyday. So I have this constant reminder that I didn't measure up, that I wasn't good enough. And she was really crappy about it, insisting that her feelings for the guy were fleeting and that she was in love with me. She was basically keeping me on standby while she tried to see if their mutual crush was going anywhere.

 

This is what the BS feels - especially a BH (which was me btw). Its brutal ain't it? I'll tell you a little secret - those thoughts you have aren't true. This isn't YOU hurting - its pride and ego perceived sexually virility (lack thereof really). All parts of you but not you. YOU weren't rejected AT ALL. You were manipulated and used as a salve for her. I'd venture on and say most (but not all) A's are of this variety but that's almost beside the point (almost because what caused you to stray?)

 

Her "betrayal" was NOT about you, just as your cheating, ultimately, was NOT about your W's failures. Cheating is nearly almost (95.00%) about the WS's failures and not the BS's. That which is missing or unfulfilled inside and an exterior source (extrinsic to the M) vs an intrinsic or (within the M) fulfillment.

 

You ARE good enough despite what you may think - your W seems to think so anyway based on her ACTIONS. One woman thought your are good enough and M you and despite having the most valid reason on the planet to D - hasn't. The OW and every woman you've ever had an R with believed so.

 

Soooo...yeah, you're good enough to be wanted.

 

If you are not in IC start. If so continue.

Ditto for MC and IC for your W.

 

Honestly, I see nothing unusual here. In fact, your W is behaving VERY positively. I see lots of positives here to R.

 

The bright side, as my wife pointed out, is that if the affair had ended on better terms, I might have gone through life thinking I'd missed out on the love of a lifetime.

 

You have an AWESOME W.

 

Keep working at...you'll get there methinks.

[firstandlast]

You have an AWESOME W.

 

I agree completely.

[firstandlast]

I'm feeling a bit better now. I guess I just thought I was further along in the getting-over-it process than I actually am.

[RickFox]

I'm feeling a bit better now. I guess I just thought I was further along in the getting-over-it process than I actually am.

 

 

Get used to the wild roller coaster ride of emotions that goes along with moving on. It's very cyclical and when you think you've reached a new stage of healing, you'll find that you aren't very far off from where you were. You need to give it all time, it doesn't happen over night and definitely not three months after the fact.