faithfulman Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) I am 26, my gf is 29. We have been together 11 months. I have never cheated or considered cheating ever in my life. I've always been against it and think it's horrible, I know I've been cheated on many times. At first our relationship was good she was very sweet and nice and then after 3 months we started our fighting and we moved in together. She's very mean and cruel sometimes but sometimes she's very sweet and loving. She threatens to leave me over stupid things like forgetting to do the dishes. I cook and clean everyday and go to school full time. The sex was great at first but now I no longer want to have sex with her, and when she wants sex I try to find excuses not to have sex. I have never been with a girl that weighed more than 120 lbs but my gf now is probably around 400 lbs. When we first met she surprised me with that detail and I figured I would give her a chance and i fell in love. Now i am always looking at skinny hott girls everywhere and i miss it, wondering what i could've had and i keep thinking about cheating all the time but i dont want to do it. if she was to be skinny i think i could be attracted to her again. I've tried to talk to her about it but she gets really upset and freaks out, she refuses to lose weight and says she doesn't need to and doesnt want to. i love her, i dont want to leave her but i dont know what to do. Even if i wanted to leave her i couldn't because of financial reasons. We live together for like 8 months now and when ever she brings up marriage or kids i feel like i dont want to now, like i've changed my mind. How do i get attracted to my gf when she's so big. Edited January 12, 2013 by faithfulman
Sparty97 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 You sure about 400 pounds? Sounds like an exaggeration. Americans do tend to see anything over 180pounds as wayyyy obsese and basically lose count. Is it her personality or her weight? You seem to be clutching at any reason to dislike her. Her losing weight won't change her personality. Or it might make her more arrogant and bitchy as she feels more entitled or in demand. If its just the weight then fix yourself. Fix what makes you so shallow that you can't love someone no matter their weight. If its something else then own it. Try couples counseling for anything non weight related. Not being physically attracted to a fat person does not make someone shallow. It's one thing if you are obsessed with 10 or 15 lbs, but if she truly is morbidly obese I'm not sure how it is even possible to be sexually attracted to her. She's only your gf, not your wife. Leave now.
stevie_23 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 You can't help how you do or don't feel about her. Try not to feel bad. For your sake and her's, leave BEFORE you get married or have any kids. SERIOUSLY. It will be hard now, sure, but WAY harder further down the track. I think if her personality wasn't a problem for you, you'd learn to deal with the weight issue. You and her could work together to get her weight down, feel motivated and bonded together in that regard. You would no doubt find her more attractive anyway, even if she did still weigh 400lbs, because you'd love her emotionally for her personality and how well she treated you. It is admirable you haven't cheated on her. It is understandable you're noticing other girls (and whether they're thin or not is irrelevant here I think). You are simply not happy with her so you are aware of other girls now. It happens. 1
Realist3 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 How do i get attracted to my gf when she's so big. You won't. Leave. Why waste your time around someone who doesn't care enough ebout themself to be that obese? If you stay you will cheat eventually.
Turtles Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I'm pretty sure 400 lbs would make it physically impossible for her to have sex so I assume you are exaggerating. It sounds like it is a very big deal to you. I would wager that subconsciously this taints your interactions with her and she feels rejected hence the crankiness. You should leave her so she can find someone who can appreciate her for who she is. And you've only been together for 11 months and fighting for 8 of those? I don't know why you would even consider staying. It's just a waste of time for both of you imo.
naviis Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) When you first met, she surprised you with WHAT detail? So are you saying that she was thin when you met her and in the span of 8 months of living together, she packed on 300 pounds? Trying to decipher this mess of a post is making my eyes bleed. As I understand it, he was surprised by the fact that she was over 120 lbs. I interpret this to mean either "she was so fit I was surprised she was over 120 lbs" or "one day she unfolded her stomach and I discovered she was really fat all along" -- but really I think he meant "she was over 120 lbs and I was surprised I could still get it up" Then she packed on 300 lbs. It is a difficult post to read. Edited January 12, 2013 by naviis
DuckSoup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Fix what makes you so shallow that you can't love someone no matter their weight. ...she said as she tearfully consumed another half-gallon of Haagen Daz....
DuckSoup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I'm pretty sure 400 lbs would make it physically impossible for her to have sex Elephants have sex. Whales have sex. Hippos have sex. I'm quite sure they all weigh more than 400 pounds, yet sex is obviously "possible." I don't know that I'd be in a hurry to let a 400 lb. leviathan ride me cowgirl style, though. Might cut off the circulation a bit.
DuckSoup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I'm thinner now but he loved me for me, not for my looks. So he wasn't physically attracted to you? That explains why things didn't work out.
shalisha42 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 You sure about 400 pounds? Sounds like an exaggeration. Americans do tend to see anything over 180pounds as wayyyy obsese and basically lose count. Is it her personality or her weight? You seem to be clutching at any reason to dislike her. Her losing weight won't change her personality. Or it might make her more arrogant and bitchy as she feels more entitled or in demand. If its just the weight then fix yourself. Fix what makes you so shallow that you can't love someone no matter their weight. If its something else then own it. Try couples counseling for anything non weight related. I'm sorry, but I disagree. Not being attracted to someone because of their weight is not shallow. It's physically unappealing to some, and coupled with this girl's cruelty, I'm sure the weight is an even bigger turnoff. It's not superficial to like "pretty" or "thin" girls. Everyone has their own taste in women and men.
shalisha42 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Duck we worked out fine. Married 12 years, children, sex 3-6 x per week. I'd go so far as to say I'm better in bed than a thin girl because I don't have the vanity or sense of entitlement. It is shallow to look to looks over character actually. It's the epitome of shallow. Tastes vary and between equally nice interesting people those with symmetry or the prevailing social idea onbeauty will do better in popularity. But looks by themselves tell you nothing of a persons attractivess as a partner. Maybe that mis perception is why the cheating rate is so high. He's not merely talking about looks. She acts like a shrew. I think fat people try to console themselves by telling themselves that to like thin people is "shallow." According to whom? Who said thin people feel entitled or self absorbed. There are plenty of thin people who have spirituality. Please, don't be jealous of others who have some measure of self control and have chosen not to be gluttonous.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I am neither jealous nor gluttonous. And I have done well in love by surrounding myself with people who don't judge by looks. If its her behavior that's an issue then why mention her weight? It isn't relevant to her being nice or a good partner. Oh and it's my former partners who compared me to thin girls, never slept with one myself If thin is their preference, they shouldn't be with someone largely overweight if it is going to be an obstacle to attraction. No-brainer, right? There is no sense in getting with someone to guilt or change them. It's like getting together with a dog-walker and telling them to change jobs because you are allergic. YOU KNEW THAT GOING IN. It seems like the OP has some pretty poor boundaries all around. 2
shalisha42 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I am neither jealous nor gluttonous. And I have done well in love by surrounding myself with people who don't judge by looks. If its her behavior that's an issue then why mention her weight? It isn't relevant to her being nice or a good partner. Oh and it's my former partners who compared me to thin girls, never slept with one myself Even so.... he's not attracted to her fat. That doesn't make him "shallow." If you're not jealous, why put a judgment on him for not wanting or being attracted to someone who's fat? Who are you to decide what kind of person he should like? Then again, your opinion is obviously going to be bias.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 He's not merely talking about looks. She acts like a shrew. I think fat people try to console themselves by telling themselves that to like thin people is "shallow." According to whom? Who said thin people feel entitled or self absorbed. There are plenty of thin people who have spirituality. Please, don't be jealous of others who have some measure of self control and have chosen not to be gluttonous. Mind-reading and projecting. Honestly, I'm fat and really, if my husband was straight-up not attracted to me, I would prefer that he speak up and we solve the issue. But I am quite heavy. However, 20-30 lbs is not too much to discount the long term and other qualities of a lifelong partner. I would say that that would be shallow considering we ALL age and our bodies take on new shapes and sagging etc etc etc. Odds are there will be a surgical procedure. Perhaps an new heart, some chemotherapy. Life has curves in and of itself. It would seem that MFH70 (sp? sorry, in the reply section now) has relatively little to be jealous of considering her life, relationship and confidence. I resent frequently that I must fit into "X" category because I belong to "Y" group. I find "gluttony" an odd concept. "Lazy" is another equally weird judgment and social construct. I was not raised with proper body-management skills. This is a struggle for me and my family that I have been working on continually. It is, in my case, a multi-layered issue. It is also an issue that can be seem under SPECT scan. There are six known patterns of overeating and medicating with food. These have been recognized and diagnosed by Amen Clinics across the US. (I am saving to go, it costs 3K). That does not make me of a lower character than anyone else. Am I entitled to any partner under the Sun that I want? No. But I deserve to be treated with the same respect as a member of any other group. "All cancer patients do this" "All Latinos think that" "Musicians....." It doesn't make much sense. None of those eating patterns were labelled "gluttonous-jealous-entitleus" by the way. 2
shalisha42 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Mind-reading and projecting. Honestly, I'm fat and really, if my husband was straight-up not attracted to me, I would prefer that he speak up and we solve the issue. But I am quite heavy. However, 20-30 lbs is not too much to discount the long term and other qualities of a lifelong partner. I would say that that would be shallow considering we ALL age and our bodies take on new shapes and sagging etc etc etc. Odds are there will be a surgical procedure. Perhaps an new heart, some chemotherapy. Life has curves in and of itself. It would seem that MFH70 (sp? sorry, in the reply section now) has relatively little to be jealous of considering her life, relationship and confidence. I resent frequently that I must fit into "X" category because I belong to "Y" group. I find "gluttony" an odd concept. "Lazy" is another equally weird judgment and social construct. I was not raised with proper body-management skills. This is a struggle for me and my family that I have been working on continually. It is, in my case, a multi-layered issue. It is also an issue that can be seem under SPECT scan. There are six known patterns of overeating and medicating with food. These have been recognized and diagnosed by Amen Clinics across the US. (I am saving to go, it costs 3K). That does not make me of a lower character than anyone else. Am I entitled to any partner under the Sun that I want? No. But I deserve to be treated with the same respect as a member of any other group. "All cancer patients do this" "All Latinos think that" "Musicians....." It doesn't make much sense. None of those eating patterns were labelled "gluttonous-jealous-entitleus" by the way. I'm not mind reading at all. She's making blanket statements about thin people being entitled and people who like them as being shallow. She's the one projecting. She stated she was fat or "overweight" to be politically correct and only surrounds herself with people who don't judge her about her weight. Not everyone is judging you based on your weight. But if the guy is not attracted to his girl, why does that make him "shallow"? 1
Turtles Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Elephants have sex. Whales have sex. Hippos have sex. I'm quite sure they all weigh more than 400 pounds, yet sex is obviously "possible." I don't know that I'd be in a hurry to let a 400 lb. leviathan ride me cowgirl style, though. Might cut off the circulation a bit. Well let me know once you have had sex with an elephant, if it was at all relevant to this thread. On second thought, don't. 3
Author faithfulman Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 ok guys 1. you're getting off topic 2. i am not shallow because someone is 400 lbs 3. i am NOT exaggerating, she is about 400 lbs give or take a few pounds. 4. i love her very much. 5. the weight did bother me a little at first but not so much because i was in love. 6. i feel less attracted to her because of attitude and stupid fights we have.
Author faithfulman Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 she wears a size I44 bra, size 28 pants or 4x and they are too small for her. i am not exaggerating
venusianx13 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Okay, the fact that you are having trouble being attracted to her is almost a non-issue compared to the fact that she needs help. She is dangerously overweight. Her LIFE is at risk at this point. If I were you, I'd encourage her to seek medical help with this because you don't want her to die. In fact, posing it this way may be better received by her. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Okay, the fact that you are having trouble being attracted to her is almost a non-issue compared to the fact that she needs help. She is dangerously overweight. Her LIFE is at risk at this point. If I were you, I'd encourage her to seek medical help with this because you don't want her to die. In fact, posing it this way may be better received by her. Yes, honestly. Plus the extra weight (at that point) comes from certain mental conditions. I suggest exploring the Amen Clinics for the implications on the brain and emotional regulation. I am not picking on her whatsoever. I am morbidly obese as well and the last 80 pounds I added due to extreme (!) life circumstances and being unable to manage the stress has made me absolutely miserable. I was obese BEFORE the 80 lbs but my blood pressure has gone up, I have anxiety relationally and otherwise etc. I wonder every day how much I have shortened my life and affected my brain function with this excess weight. It's a damn crappy, lonely thing to battle as it is with dumbass attitudes about Haagen-Daas and so forth. I would mention very specifically in this order 0. Brain function 1. Overal organ Health 2. Personal impression 3. Anxiety 4. Mood regulation 5. Mobility. Honestly, I wish someone would have an actual intervention for me and be supportive. I honestly wouldn't mention attractiveness because the primary concern is getting her off of the heart attack block. I bet 50% of the picky issues would go away if she had your support in becoming healthier. BUT I don't recommend staying tied to an unworkable or abusive relationship. Of you already looking for a way out, it might be best to just go. It doesn't really sound like it though. What do you guys do together to have fun? Oh, and does she have knee pain. I developed that at 240. It disappears with weight loss, it isn't a permanent thing in a young person. Another resource about the fighting: I found this one useful even though I think John Gray is a little....odd at times. When Mars and Venus Collide. I found the "Venus Talks" did bring down conflict significantly when done properly. (I.e. Guy not getting defensive, interrupting, or trying to fix woman's feelings) Best of luck. Let us know how things are going! 1
Els Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Dagnabbit, if she's genuinely 400 lbs, she should be more concerned about saving her own life than relationships or being attractive to you anyway. Can someone even walk at 400 lbs? How did you two even meet if she can't walk? I'm smelling troll in some way or another.
Emilia Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'd go so far as to say I'm better in bed than a thin girl because I don't have the vanity or sense of entitlement. It is shallow to look to looks over character actually. It's the epitome of shallow. Tastes vary and between equally nice interesting people those with symmetry or the prevailing social idea onbeauty will do better in popularity. But looks by themselves tell you nothing of a persons attractivess as a partner. Maybe that mis perception is why the cheating rate is so high. It isn't shallow actually. Attraction comes from a combination of looks and character traits that we find appealing. Everyone judges looks and smart people judge character as well. It is correct however that looks alone don't tell you attractiveness as a partner (unless the one who is doing to choosing is dumb of course). It's kind of telling that you are having a girl at thinner girls and their (your projected) 'sense of entitlement'. Defensive much?
Emilia Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm not mind reading at all. She's making blanket statements about thin people being entitled and people who like them as being shallow. She's the one projecting. She stated she was fat or "overweight" to be politically correct and only surrounds herself with people who don't judge her about her weight. Not everyone is judging you based on your weight. But if the guy is not attracted to his girl, why does that make him "shallow"? Agreed 100%. If you want to be overweight, own it. It's a choice. Don't have a go at people who keep in shape. You can't pick your height or whether you go bald but you can pick your weight. More people judge others on how fat they are by the way, they just don't say so OP, I'd say break up with your girlfriend. Why keep dating her? You are still at school, obviously young. don't understand why you want to trap yourself like this.
serial muse Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 ok guys 1. you're getting off topic 2. i am not shallow because someone is 400 lbs 3. i am NOT exaggerating, she is about 400 lbs give or take a few pounds. 4. i love her very much. 5. the weight did bother me a little at first but not so much because i was in love. 6. i feel less attracted to her because of attitude and stupid fights we have. Someone asked you this but you didn't yet answer: How heavy was she when you started dating?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Dagnabbit, if she's genuinely 400 lbs, she should be more concerned about saving her own life than relationships or being attractive to you anyway. Can someone even walk at 400 lbs? How did you two even meet if she can't walk? I'm smelling troll in some way or another. Yes people, especially younger ones can walk at 400lbs. Mobility difficulties of course increase with weight. I never noticed until my last major weight gain.
Recommended Posts