Saying "no thanks" without being a b****

[monicaelise]

 

You're choosing to draw the line with a little white lie, but conceding that you're fine with being spineless and disrespectful in instances where it hurts the other person.

 

 

And NO, I am not okay with a little white lie. If I were "okay" with it, I never would have posted in the first place. I was honest with the guy on the street.

[scratch]

Telling me is moot because it is...

 

2. of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic.<---that's the definition of moot.

 

As far as the rest of your questions in that first paragraph go, you've lost me as well so I'm just going to leave it. Your comments regarding my morality, well they reflect the position of a very young first year philosophy student so I'm gonna leave that as well. This post was a query for information on how to be frank and honest without being rude to people who don't deserve rudeness. I wouldn't have trouble being rude with you so it's a non-issue here. I would be 100% honest and forthright with you.

 

Let's recap:

 

I offered an insight to a character flaw you may have, you agreed that you did possess that flaw, and concluded that because you agreed with me, my assessment wasn't important. Uh, okay.

 

I asked you some yes/no questions to clarify what you were referring to in a post of mine. You elected not to answer them, by using the dismissive explanation that I "lost" you. People tend to claim to get lost by yes/no questions when they are being elusive. As to why you chose to be elusive, rather than engage me substantively, I'd chalk it up to sophistry.

 

You didn't actually address my morality comments. You simply resorted to ad homenim implications. Probably a combination of frustration and an

 

To close, you felt the need to point out that I deserved rudeness. Not sure what that was m

 

It's pretty fair to say at this point that you've done an exemplary job of showing us your character. In that regard, I applaud your honesty.

[scratch]

Telling me is moot because it is...

 

2. of little or no practical value or meaning; purely academic.<---that's the definition of moot.

 

As far as the rest of your questions in that first paragraph go, you've lost me as well so I'm just going to leave it. Your comments regarding my morality, well they reflect the position of a very young first year philosophy student so I'm gonna leave that as well. This post was a query for information on how to be frank and honest without being rude to people who don't deserve rudeness. I wouldn't have trouble being rude with you so it's a non-issue here. I would be 100% honest and forthright with you.

 

Let's recap:

 

I offered an insight to a character flaw you may have, you agreed that you did possess that flaw, and concluded that because you agreed with me, my assessment wasn't important. Uh, okay.

 

I asked you some yes/no questions to clarify what you were referring to in a post of mine. You elected not to answer them, by using the dismissive explanation that I "lost" you. People tend to claim to get lost by yes/no questions when they are being elusive. As to why you chose to be elusive, rather than engage me substantively, I'd chalk it up to sophistry.

 

You didn't actually address my morality comments. You simply resorted to ad homenim implications. Usually that's a combination of frustration and anxiety.

 

To close, you felt the need to point out that I deserved rudeness. Not sure what that was meant to do, other than to aggressively communicate that I hurt your feelings.

 

It's pretty fair to say at this point that you've done an exemplary job of showing us your character. In that regard, I applaud your honesty.

[todreaminblue]

Today, while walking to meet a friend a few blocks away a man stopped me and asked where a local grocery store is. I showed him the way (it was about two lights up so I just pointed and said "it's right there") and started to walk away. He then proceeded to say "god bless you" to which I replied "back atcha" and smiled. No sooner had I begun to walk off again than he says, "excuse me, are you single?" and I said "yeah, but I'm a trainwreck, you really don't want to get involved with me" and then sort of laughed and just continued on. He continued to pursue things until I said "I'm sorry I really need to get going, my friend is waiting".

 

Anyway, as I was walking off I started to wonder whether there is a way to be honest without being a bitch. I had nothing against this man, he was friendly and attractive, and I am single, BUT I really am in no shape to be dealing with any sort of "dating" dynamic right now and I don't foresee ever wanting to properly "date" again. I don't like being nasty to people but I don't have enough of a poker face to lie. Is there a way to let someone know you're not interested, not because of them, but because you're just not into any of it.

 

 

Cold approaches by guys can be avoided by wearing headphones

[Imajerk17]

Here's a little concept for you to try and compute... innocent until proven guilty. The man on the street is a stranger. He could be a wonderful human being. He could even be "Mr. Right" if I were in shape to date. This means he is essentially neutral, and therefore, deserving of basic courtesy. The man I am rejecting after a few dates, on the other hand, is being rejected for a reason. I know he is "Mr. Wrong", at least for me. He is, therefore, someone I am no longer neutral about. I know there's something about him I don't like. Get it?

 

I agree with the bolded.

 

I walk up to women all the time, and I personally feel that they don't even "owe" me being nice. I went up and talked to her unsolicited. I'm fine with a brush-off. I also have no problems with an uninterested woman flirting back. Hell I flirt with women all the time.

 

I also feel that, in a cold-approach situation it is quite OK to lie to save face. If a guy you're not attracted to asks if you are single you can say that you aren't ready to date or that you have a boyfriend or whatever. Why do you have to divulge what is going on in your life to this guy. He didn't give you anything. He came up unannounced! (I do appreciate your sentiment to say the truth and be kind though.)

 

I do hope though, that women apply the "innocent until proven guilty" credo to the situation where the guy they actually went out on a date or two appears to be a nice guy, but no chemistry. As in treat the guy with courtesy and give him a clear answer. In this case he DID invest a bit more with you and I feel he deserves the respect of a straight answer.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Imajerk17

[monicaelise]

I agree with the bolded.

 

I walk up to women all the time, and I personally feel that they don't even "owe" me being nice. I went up and talked to her unsolicited.

 

I also feel that, in a cold-approach situation it is quite OK to lie to save face. If a guy you're not attracted to asks if you are single you can say that you aren't ready to date or that you have a boyfriend or whatever. Why do you have to divulge what is going on in your life to this guy. He came up unannounced! (I do appreciate your sentiment to say the truth though.)

 

I do hope though, that women apply the "innocent until proven guilty" credo to the situation where the guy they went out on a date or two appears to be a nice guy, but no chemistry. As in treat the guy with courtesy and give him a clear answer. In this case he DID invest a bit more with you and I feel he deserves the respect of a straight answer.

 

For the record, I have been giving this issue some thought. It's one of the many reasons I have totally withdrawn from the dating scene. I realize there is some truth it what you're saying, I just haven't been able to figure out a way to reconcile the desire to avoid the grief that so often comes with this with the need to be forthright with the person in question. I can't do the "it's not you, it's me" in situations where it's not me. Right now, it's definitely me so I don't have a problem with telling a stranger...who I have no problem with... it's me. Contrary to the speculation in the other post, it's not about disrespect. I just don't want to deal with someone melting down or freaking out or even just being hurt when I know it's just a matter of me, personally, not liking something about them, ....especially when that something is something they have no control over or that someone else would actually like. Yes, this is an extreme form of avoidance. I just can't handle this kind of negativity anymore.

[ascendotum]

Cold approaches by guys can be avoided by wearing headphones

Which a stack of women do these days, along with being active on the mobile phone.

[Imajerk17]

For the record, I have been giving this issue some thought. It's one of the many reasons I have totally withdrawn from the dating scene. I realize there is some truth it what you're saying, I just haven't been able to figure out a way to reconcile the desire to avoid the grief that so often comes with this with the need to be forthright with the person in question. I can't do the "it's not you, it's me" in situations where it's not me. Right now, it's definitely me so I don't have a problem with telling a stranger...who I have no problem with... it's me. Contrary to the speculation in the other post, it's not about disrespect. I just don't want to deal with someone melting down or freaking out or even just being hurt when I know it's just a matter of me, personally, not liking something about them, ....especially when that something is something they have no control over or that someone else would actually like. Yes, this is an extreme form of avoidance. I just can't handle this kind of negativity anymore.

 

That's fair. And I appreciate your candid thoughts on this. As you can see, this is a topic that we guys feel strongly about and so deep down we really do appreciate a woman being honest. You're answering the questions for us that many of us wished our last date had answered instead.

 

What if you were to say "Hey I think you're a great guy, but I'm looking for something fairly specific and I don't feel we are a match."

[StanMusial]

It's not that big of a deal, you didn't like him and you let him know. Next time if some one asks if you're single just say no. Don't give him some convoluted story, that's just confusing in a situation like that.

[monicaelise]

That's fair. And I appreciate your candid thoughts on this. As you can see, this is a topic that we guys feel strongly about and so deep down we really do appreciate a woman being honest. You're answering the questions for us that many of us wished our last date had answered instead.

 

What if you were to say "Hey I think you're a great guy, but I'm looking for something fairly specific and I don't feel we are a match."

 

This is totally fair as well. The real problem is, aside from a few physical features (which most of us are actually somewhat flexible about), knowing what we want is a whole lot harder to figure out than recognizing what we don't. I have preferences, like everyone, but the fade usually doesn't come about as a result of those not being met but something coming up that I realize I can't deal with. It may be something as stupid as the other person just smelling wrong (no, I'm not talking about B.O., just basic body chemistry) or the discovery of some political/ethical position that I can't make room for.

 

Unfortunately, the things that usually prompt a "poof" from me aren't things that you would pick up without a date or two, but once they're there, there's no way to fix them (as with the smell or political position). There's also no reason to think the person I'm poofing on will benefit from knowing that I, just this one goofy chick, has a problem with them. My opinion is just the opinion of one random person. It's not like either one of us will, or even can, change so why hurt someone's feelings? Also, telling someone you don't like them because of their political leanings or their humour often comes across as judgment, and that ends up provoking anger.

 

If men would just let it go at "I don't think we're a match" I would totally reconsider the fade. The problem is that there is the tendency to either 1) get hostile, 2) ask why or 3) ask why and then get hostile. I know none of the men on this board do these things ...but there are a lot of men out here who do ...and it really burns one out over time.

[Feelin Frisky]

Today, while walking to meet a friend a few blocks away a man stopped me and asked where a local grocery store is. I showed him the way (it was about two lights up so I just pointed and said "it's right there") and started to walk away. He then proceeded to say "god bless you" to which I replied "back atcha" and smiled. No sooner had I begun to walk off again than he says, "excuse me, are you single?" and I said "yeah, but I'm a trainwreck, you really don't want to get involved with me" and then sort of laughed and just continued on. He continued to pursue things until I said "I'm sorry I really need to get going, my friend is waiting".

 

Anyway, as I was walking off I started to wonder whether there is a way to be honest without being a bitch. I had nothing against this man, he was friendly and attractive, and I am single, BUT I really am in no shape to be dealing with any sort of "dating" dynamic right now and I don't foresee ever wanting to properly "date" again. I don't like being nasty to people but I don't have enough of a poker face to lie. Is there a way to let someone know you're not interested, not because of them, but because you're just not into any of it.

 

 

Since you can't plan a come-on that the one you experienced, you did as good a job at being nice without being nasty as fair. Just say "thanks, I'm not interested" and book. You don't owe anyone your attention and a decent guy will accept that you're not open to his advances without feeling hurt.