Saying "no thanks" without being a b****

[soccerrprp]

So the bottom line is either 1) lie or 2) be a bitch?

 

Just make it simple and tell him that you are not interested in a relationship and leave it at that. Goodness gracious, why make a simple thing complicated??? You're not being a bitch by being honest unless your delivery comes across as indignant and/or rude.

 

If guys think you're being a bitch, move on and don't think twice. If they pursue or are persistent, just tell them that you don't want to be rude....

 

It's not your job to spare every guys ego.

[truth_seeker]

So the bottom line is either 1) lie or 2) be a bitch?

 

Nothing wrong with a white lie to spare someone's feelings.

[carhill]

'No; thanks' sounds pretty reasonable and respectful to me.

[monicaelise]

'No; thanks' sounds pretty reasonable and respectful to me.

 

You don't think "no, thanks" in response to "are you single?" wouldn't come off as a bit nasty or presumptuous? I don't think I would have a problem with "no, thanks" to "would you like to go out?" but I don't know if I'd be comfortable jumping straight to "no, thanks" in response to the other question.

 

It's a good suggestion and I am getting a lot of really useful input

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[truth_seeker]

You don't think "no, thanks" in response to "are you single?" wouldn't come off as a bit nasty or presumptuous? I don't think I would have a problem with "no, thanks" to "would you like to go out?" but I don't know if I'd be comfortable jumping straight to "no, thanks" in response to the other question.

 

It's a good suggestion and I am getting a lot of really useful input

 

I see what you're saying. Go with: "Thank you, but I'm in a relationship."

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scratch]

LOL Perhaps you need to get your "computer" fixed. Two days ago we were talking about how to end things with someone you'd actually dated. I explicitly stated almost an identical position regarding "lying" there. I walk because I don't lie and I don't want to deal with the aftermath of honestly. Does that compute?

 

This topic is about politely letting someone know you're not interested in a date in the first place, because you yourself are not datable, not because the person asking isn't worthy of you.

 

If you think that a person with whom you've been on a few dates is less worthy of a clear, truthful answer than a stranger who walks up to you on the street, that strikes me as an odd position. Did you mean to imply that the reason you should disappear without explanation after a few dates is that the man is "unworthy" of you? I never thought the people I dated unsuccessfully were above or beneath me.

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[carhill]

Are you single?

 

No....thanks

 

Do you want to get a cup of coffee?

 

No....thanks

 

 

 

Sounds OK to me. Direct, polite and appreciative. Delivery with a smile is helpful to convey sincerity. This of course presumes any further discourse is unwanted.

 

Impolite men may require stronger measures.

 

'Please step back...thanks'

 

If one, at that point, feels threatened, then proceed with whatever self-protection methods are in place.

[monicaelise]

If you think that a person with whom you've been on a few dates is less worthy of a clear, truthful answer than a stranger who walks up to you on the street, that strikes me as an odd position. Did you mean to imply that the reason you should disappear without explanation after a few dates is that the man is "unworthy" of you? I never thought the people I dated unsuccessfully were above or beneath me.

 

Here's a little concept for you to try and compute... innocent until proven guilty. The man on the street is a stranger. He could be a wonderful human being. He could even be "Mr. Right" if I were in shape to date. This means he is essentially neutral, and therefore, deserving of basic courtesy. The man I am rejecting after a few dates, on the other hand, is being rejected for a reason. I know he is "Mr. Wrong", at least for me. He is, therefore, someone I am no longer neutral about. I know there's something about him I don't like. Get it?

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IT Geek]

Just use the line I've gotten before....

 

Do you really think I'd go out with a guy as ugly as you?

[carhill]

Just use the line I've gotten before....

 

Do you really think I'd go out with a guy as ugly as you?

Yeah, I've heard a few zingers like that in my life too. Gifts. Can you imagine dealing with that psychology long-term? Pass.

[xxoo]

By "single" they mean "available".....and "interested". I think it's fair to just say "no, I'm not :)" if you aren't both of those things. You don't have to explain more than that.

[scratch]

Here's a little concept for you to try and compute... innocent until proven guilty. The man on the street is a stranger. He could be a wonderful human being. He could even be "Mr. Right" if I were in shape to date. This means he is essentially neutral, and therefore, deserving of basic courtesy. The man I am rejecting after a few dates, on the other hand, is being rejected for a reason. I know he is "Mr. Wrong", at least for me. He is, therefore, someone I am no longer neutral about. I know there's something about him I don't like. Get it?

 

I do get it. The reason I didn't get it earlier was that most of my unsuccessful dates are due to a lack of attraction or compatibility. It astounds me that when you go out with someone once or twice, and then decide not to pursue it, it is due to you making a value judgment that they are undeserving of basic courtesy.

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[crude]

You told him you were a train wreck. Instead of saying you had to meet a friend, you could've said it again in another way- you were burned out from dating and might never get back to it. After saying no politely twice and explaining why, that's all you owe anyone.

[FitChick]

Nothing wrong with lying to a stranger. "Are you single?" "No."

[somedude81]

Sorry, I want to stay single for now. Take care.

[Radu]

So the bottom line is either 1) lie or 2) be a bitch?

 

The boyfriend line only works [in your situation] if you practice it at home.

Build him up in your mind, give him a name, a general look ... and repeat it.

 

Then when you are in that situation, you can recall that fictional character and say it with a straight face.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just use the line I've gotten before....

 

Do you really think I'd go out with a guy as ugly as you?

 

Don't sell yourself short IT geek

[monicaelise]

The boyfriend line only works [in your situation] if you practice it at home.

Build him up in your mind, give him a name, a general look ... and repeat it.

 

Then when you are in that situation, you can recall that fictional character and say it with a straight face.

 

I have no intention of making up a pretend boyfriend. It's not my style and there have been enough other solid suggestions from both men and women that will allow me to be forthright without coming off in a way that is unpleasant.

 

I have enough shortcomings as it is, adding lying to the list isn't really something I have an interest in doing.

[monicaelise]

So what are you afraid is going to happen if you lie to the guy?

 

Honestly, I'm afraid of becoming just exactly the kind of asshat I don't want to be. I may be spineless, rude, disrespectful, or any of the other lovely adjectives that have been used to describe me and my dealings with men, but I'm not full of ****. If you're okay with being a liar, go with it. It's not something I'm going to embrace. As I stated previously, I've gotten enough solid suggestions here that there doesn't seem to be any good reason to suddenly add a further flaw to my character.

[monicaelise]

Lying is not a character flaw. What makes lying good vs. bad is based on the situation. There are times when being honest is a character flaw. If an ugly person asks you how they look.. will you tell them they are hideous? If so.. that's a character flaw. If not.. you are a liar.

 

There are two ways to lie:

 

1. Direct lying

2. Omission (withholding information / silence)

 

And if you're trying to tell me you are 100% honest and NEVER tell a lie a day in your life.. then you are lying right now.

 

Um, no.

 

"To lie is to deliver a false statement to another person which the speaking person knows is not the whole truth, intentionally."-wiki

 

Shutting the hell up and walking away is not lying. It's shutting the hell up and walking away. That's my approach. You've met people like me whether you know it or not. We're the ones that go quiet when you start spewing stuff like this because we know there's nothing honest to be said that will be of any use.

[ThaWholigan]

Lying is not a character flaw. What makes lying good vs. bad is based on the situation. There are times when being honest is a character flaw. If an ugly person asks you how they look.. will you tell them they are hideous? If so.. that's a character flaw. If not.. you are a liar.

 

There are two ways to lie:

 

1. Direct lying

2. Omission (withholding information / silence)

 

And if you're trying to tell me you are 100% honest and NEVER tell a lie a day in your life.. then you are lying right now.

Lying can be a character flaw though - it is still encouraged on some level to be honest as opposed to disingenuous.

 

I understand what you are saying, but you are still encouraging something that errs on the side of immorality - of course people are going to discourage lying. That doesn't mean we don't lie - but that doesn't make it good.

[scratch]

Honestly, I'm afraid of becoming just exactly the kind of asshat I don't want to be. I may be spineless, rude, disrespectful, or any of the other lovely adjectives that have been used to describe me and my dealings with men, but I'm not full of ****. If you're okay with being a liar, go with it. It's not something I'm going to embrace. As I stated previously, I've gotten enough solid suggestions here that there doesn't seem to be any good reason to suddenly add a further flaw to my character.

 

You realize that the lie will do the man no harm, right? He'll never know, or care. I'm not sure I'd even go so far as to call it a character flaw, any more than telling an ugly friend she looked beautiful in her wedding photos.

 

You're choosing to draw the line with a little white lie, but conceding that you're fine with being spineless and disrespectful in instances where it hurts the other person.

 

Having selective morality, and arriving at those selections by completely disregarding how they will affect others, is the epitome of self-centeredness. I've told Leisureguy before that I can intellectually understand his comfort with lying to women, but can't imagine a world where that would make me okay with myself. Your comfort with your own selfishness strikes me similarly.

[ThaWholigan]

OP, you could be honest with the person but it does require some tact. Fading out is obviously a touchy subject with guys here, so I would go with being honest. It doesn't make you a bitch, it just depends on how you approach it. I don't have any actual solutions or soundbites you could say.

 

I would not encourage you to lie either - BUT......it is a situation where it is essentially a harmless one whichever way you want to look at it. It's your call.

[ThaWholigan]

Lying is neither good nor bad. It depends on the situation.

 

Just like sex is neither good nor bad. Depends on the situation.. rape vs. consenting.

If you're a Christian it's bad .

 

The amorality of lying is always likely to be a bone of contention - attempting to point that out to people will always be met with derision, just like any other form of manipulation, despite the fact that it is neither good, yet isn't inherently bad. Nonetheless, it's better to be honest when you can be. In my opinion, as somebody who used to lie in my youth, the truth is always better - whether you get caught in a lie or not.

[monicaelise]

You realize that the lie will do the man no harm, right? He'll never know, or care. I'm not sure I'd even go so far as to call it a character flaw, any more than telling an ugly friend she looked beautiful in her wedding photos.

 

You're choosing to draw the line with a little white lie, but conceding that you're fine with being spineless and disrespectful in instances where it hurts the other person.

 

Having selective morality, and arriving at those selections by completely disregarding how they will affect others, is the epitome of self-centeredness. I've told Leisureguy before that I can intellectually understand his comfort with lying to women, but can't imagine a world where that would make me okay with myself. Your comfort with your own selfishness strikes me similarly.

 

I don't agree with this at all. But you know that. I've said previously I don't think my approach is any of the things that the men on this board think it is. I don't think it's rude, spineless, whatever... BUT I'm okay with others thinking that. My morality isn't selective. I don't tell my friends they look beautiful when they don't. I just don't work that way. I don't care whether the lie does someone else harm. It makes me uncomfortable. I fully understand that this is something that a good many people do not grasp, but when all is said and done, I'm the one that has to live with the way I choose to do things.

 

The bottom line is I have no desire to hurt anyone... be it some stranger on the street or myself. Maybe that's silly, or unrealistic, or irrational but I'm okay with all of that. I'm not okay will bull****ting people. If that's selfish, I'm okay with adding that to the list of my flaws. As a matter of fact, I'd probably go so far as to say that selfishness is probably on the list of my personal shortcomings already so you're assessment is basically moot.