Saying "no thanks" without being a b****

January 12, 2013

Today, while walking to meet a friend a few blocks away a man stopped me and asked where a local grocery store is. I showed him the way (it was about two lights up so I just pointed and said "it's right there") and started to walk away. He then proceeded to say "god bless you" to which I replied "back atcha" and smiled. No sooner had I begun to walk off again than he says, "excuse me, are you single?" and I said "yeah, but I'm a trainwreck, you really don't want to get involved with me" and then sort of laughed and just continued on. He continued to pursue things until I said "I'm sorry I really need to get going, my friend is waiting".

Anyway, as I was walking off I started to wonder whether there is a way to be honest without being a bitch. I had nothing against this man, he was friendly and attractive, and I am single, BUT I really am in no shape to be dealing with any sort of "dating" dynamic right now and I don't foresee ever wanting to properly "date" again. I don't like being nasty to people but I don't have enough of a poker face to lie. Is there a way to let someone know you're not interested, not because of them, but because you're just not into any of it.

January 12, 2013

It sounds like you just want sex. Should have told him that.

ROFLMAO well that's a very insightful comment... not! I don't want anything at the moment, but I don't like acting like a cunt just because I'm not. Perhaps we can get some insight from some of the other folks here who are a bit more familiar with this sort of situation.

January 12, 2013

How about the 'ole "I have a boyfriend" line?

January 12, 2013

How about the 'ole "I have a boyfriend" line?

So the bottom line is either 1) lie or 2) be a bitch?

January 12, 2013

I thought the way you handled it was fine. It made it out to seem 'its not you its me' which doesn't make you come off a bitch. For me I would prefer women give me the brush off with a smile than to have an attitude because they are 'sick of only losers hitting on them and never any hotties'. With this guy when you delivered the trainwreck line, you did it with a laugh & a smile which is good but he likely thought he was still in with a chance. The final line, about being late to meet your friend, was the way to hose him down imo without being a bitch, but still you are going to run into guys who are going get stroppy when their charm fails to impress. IDK, maybe next time, say sorry, but I like pussy not dick, bye now.

January 12, 2013

I thought the way you handled it was fine. It made it out to seem 'its not you its me' which doesn't make you come off a bitch. For me I would prefer women give me the brush off with a smile than to have an attitude because they are 'sick of only losers hitting on them and never any hotties'. With this guy when you delivered the trainwreck line, you did it with a laugh & a smile which is good but he likely thought he was still in with a chance. The final line, about being late to meet your friend, was the way to hose him down imo without being a bitch, but still you are going to run into guys who are going get stroppy when their charm fails to impress. IDK, maybe next time, say sorry, but I like pussy not dick, bye now.

Still not honest, but it looks like I'm going to have to work on learning to lie and at least that's funny.

January 12, 2013

Next time just tell him you don't know where the grocery store is. Even if you do. Men don't ask for directions, it's always an excuse to talk to you.

January 12, 2013

This man has long forgotten about you.. yet you made a thread about him.

This is funny.. considering you rejected him.

Well mr. insightful, this thread isn't about him. It's about men very different from you, men who are polite and attractive, who are not deserving of abuse. It's about trying to figure out a way to let someone ...anyone... who takes the time to take a risk in talking to you know that you really don't have a problem with them but aren't datable. I understand this is not a situation you have any familiarity with but there are lots of really nice men on this board...as well as women who care about not mistreating people ...who deal with situations like this on a regular basis. I have spent most of my life either with someone or finding ways to avoid situations like this. I'd like to know if there's a way to deal with people in a polite, frank manner without giving them the impression that I am available.

January 12, 2013

Give this one a whirl....

'Are you single?'

'Nope.'

So, again, it's gonna come down to lying. Great. Lovely to see integrity is alive and well..

January 12, 2013

"Sorry, I'm not available."

Yeah, that's not bitchy at all...

January 12, 2013

Get off the high horse. If you can't lie and you can't hurt someones feelings without making a thread about it.. maybe you have bigger issues.

Are you super religious or something? What is your issue with harmless lies to strangers?

So not wanting to be a liar or a bitch means I'm a super religious (ftr I have no religious leanings whatsoever) person on a high horse??

I posted this question here because this is the "dating" board and it's a legitimate question for folks who actually try to behave with a little bit of decency in their interactions with others. Why in the hell would I want to lie to or mistreat some poor guy who has done nothing to undermine his right to be treated with basic courtesy? Trust me, if this man had behaved in any manner like you do on this board, I would have had no problem pulling the "bitch" card, but that's not what I'm talking about.

January 12, 2013

Today, while walking to meet a friend a few blocks away a man stopped me and asked where a local grocery store is. I showed him the way (it was about two lights up so I just pointed and said "it's right there") and started to walk away. He then proceeded to say "god bless you" to which I replied "back atcha" and smiled. No sooner had I begun to walk off again than he says, "excuse me, are you single?" and I said "yeah, but I'm a trainwreck, you really don't want to get involved with me" and then sort of laughed and just continued on. He continued to pursue things until I said "I'm sorry I really need to get going, my friend is waiting".

Anyway, as I was walking off I started to wonder whether there is a way to be honest without being a bitch. I had nothing against this man, he was friendly and attractive, and I am single, BUT I really am in no shape to be dealing with any sort of "dating" dynamic right now and I don't foresee ever wanting to properly "date" again. I don't like being nasty to people but I don't have enough of a poker face to lie. Is there a way to let someone know you're not interested, not because of them, but because you're just not into any of it.

I feel ya. Im a trainwreck also. Not in the mood

To deal with other peoples emotions. I chatted

With a women who gave me her number. I took the

Number and handed it back. I told her the truth

Ive been divorced now 14 months focussing on

My work and getting my emotions balanced. I really

Am in no shape mentally to date. Im a nice person

And usually great to be around. Im just overwhelmed

Right now i wouldnt be able to give a relationship full

Effort.

Her response was well take my number and if you

Change ur mind give me a ring.

Took the number never called right now biting into

A relationship is more then i want to chew.

Im gonna tell you what u should tell a guy " im happily

Seeing someone i really like alot " that person is yourself

Your happy with yourself so no lie required

January 12, 2013

I feel ya. Im a trainwreck also. Not in the mood
To deal with other peoples emotions. I chatted
With a women who gave me her number. I took the
Number and handed it back. I told her the truth
Ive been divorced now 14 months focussing on
My work and getting my emotions balanced. I really
Am in no shape mentally to date. Im a nice person
And usually great to be around. Im just overwhelmed
Right now i wouldnt be able to give a relationship full
Effort.

Her response was well take my number and if you
Change ur mind give me a ring.

Took the number never called right now biting into
A relationship is more then i want to chew.

Im gonna tell you what u should tell a guy " im happily
Seeing someone i really like alot " that person is yourself
Your happy with yourself so no lie required

Thank you. This is the first legit suggestion I can say I could comfortably see myself using.

January 12, 2013

I don't think you can get away with never telling a white lie monica. Guys will often interpret any attention you give them as romantic interest and perhaps make a move on you. It can spare their feelings and save a lot of time if you cut it off at the pass by white lying early instead of later on. Now instead of just thinking you were busy he thinks you have no romantic interest in him. Which is true, but more hurtful. The courteous thing to do would have been to let him find directions elsewhere, if he even needed them. I bet he already knew where it was.

January 12, 2013

Personally, I I think the not available line would have been more charming than the 'I'm a train wreck, and haha!' line. To me, that sounds a wee bit crass and let's be real, most strangers don't want to hear you vomit your life story before you reject them. Besides, it's none of his business.

How about this? A big smile, a light touch on the arm, and, 'I am VERY flattered, but unfortunately unavailable. But thanks for making my day.' Then a cute wink or giggle and a quick sashay away.

Honest, private and charming.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Janesays

January 12, 2013

I remember this, clear as a bell....during one particular TaiKai, my Sensei was addressing a really large group of many people who had assembled from all over the country. At one point, I don't even know how it came up, he said that the best, safest way to basically put a stranger off is to simply say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you."

This works in all sorts of situations. You'd be surprised. No matter what someone is asking of you, if you can't or don't want to give it to them, just say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you."

January 12, 2013

Monica, I think it's as simple as it sounds.

Be honest and direct, right away. The earlier, the better.

I'd say something like "Thank you for your interest, but I don't feel the same way. Please respect that. Take care" (and walk away)

1. You've assertively stated your position, yet politely, without any wiggle room for him

2. "Please respect that" now puts the onus on HIM. If he continues to push it, then he's being a dick and at that point any guilt would be on him

Try it. It's liberating to tell people what you want or don't want (to do)

January 12, 2013

Today, while walking to meet a friend a few blocks away a man stopped me and asked where a local grocery store is. I showed him the way (it was about two lights up so I just pointed and said "it's right there") and started to walk away. He then proceeded to say "god bless you" to which I replied "back atcha" and smiled. No sooner had I begun to walk off again than he says, "excuse me, are you single?" and I said "yeah, but I'm a trainwreck, you really don't want to get involved with me" and then sort of laughed and just continued on. He continued to pursue things until I said "I'm sorry I really need to get going, my friend is waiting".

Anyway, as I was walking off I started to wonder whether there is a way to be honest without being a bitch. I had nothing against this man, he was friendly and attractive, and I am single, BUT I really am in no shape to be dealing with any sort of "dating" dynamic right now and I don't foresee ever wanting to properly "date" again. I don't like being nasty to people but I don't have enough of a poker face to lie. Is there a way to let someone know you're not interested, not because of them, but because you're just not into any of it.

Since you don't want to lie about it then just be honest. There is no universal non-bytch way to say it, and some guys will be fine with what you say and some guys will be offended. It's all about how they perceive it. The tone of your voice and facial expressions will play a big part in their perceptions. Smile and have a kind tone.

Try this on for size: 'nothing against you but I have no room in my life right now to date'.

Smile as you say it and bid him a goodbye and go on.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Pyro

January 12, 2013

Sounds to me that you handled the situation perfectly fine. You said no nicely and diplomatically. Thats all a guy in the situation could ask for.

FWIW the harsh responses against monicaelise surprise me and are just wrong. We men gripe about women who don't respect us, and here we have a woman who is concerned about treating us w respect and she gets grief for that on here. WTF?? (This is coming from someone who has strongly disagreed w her on this forum several times before too.)

Edited January 12, 2013 by Imajerk17

January 12, 2013

Sounds to me that you handled the situation perfectly fine. You said no nicely and diplomatically. Thats all a guy in the situation could ask for.

FWIW the harsh responses against monicaelise surprise me and are just wrong. We men gripe about women who don't respect us, and here we have a woman who is concerned about treating us w respect and she gets grief for that on here. WTF?? (This is coming from someone who has strongly disagreed w her on this forum several times before too.)

I was going to say the same thing.

The guy also continued pushing, when it was clear that you wanted to walk away.

January 12, 2013

I was going to say the same thing.

The guy also continued pushing, when it was clear that you wanted to walk away.

I get a bit annoyed when guys are pushing after being rejected. It's like they are saying "what you feel doesn't matter, I only care about what I want":mad:

January 12, 2013

Some women get upset but how many times does pushing work? It is the only way to get noticed when there are already too many offers on the table.

Off topic- nice avatar. My cat looks like that right now

January 12, 2013

"Sorry, I'm not available."

I agree with Oxykitten and Janesays (minus the touch, as I do think that sends mixed signals). This doesn't sound rude to me at all (assuming a genuine, warm tone), it doesn't indicate to the guy there's anything wrong with him, it's honest, and it doesn't require you get into your personal life with a total stranger.

That said, your response doesn't sound bitchy to me either. TMI, yes, but not rude. I think saying something so intriguing and personal may lead more people into trying to talk to you longer, since it automatically raises some curiosity.

January 12, 2013

Anyway, as I was walking off I started to wonder whether there is a way to be honest without being a bitch. I had nothing against this man, he was friendly and attractive, and I am single, BUT I really am in no shape to be dealing with any sort of "dating" dynamic right now and I don't foresee ever wanting to properly "date" again. I don't like being nasty to people but I don't have enough of a poker face to lie. Is there a way to let someone know you're not interested, not because of them, but because you're just not into any of it.

I have to think you're trying to prove a point here. Two days ago, you were beyond confident that ducking and running was the right thing to do. Moreover, you explicitly said that you didn't feel the need to take a stranger's feelings into account. Now you come back with a thread asking how to be nice to the stranger, and what's more, you claim that the smallest of white lies is an affront to your dignity.

Does not compute.

FWIW the harsh responses against monicaelise surprise me and are just wrong. We men gripe about women who don't respect us, and here we have a woman who is concerned about treating us w respect and she gets grief for that on here. WTF??

What are you talking about? Please direct me to an example of someone giving her grief in this thread for trying to treat the man with respect.

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 12, 2013

I have to think you're trying to prove a point here. Two days ago, you were beyond confident that ducking and running was the right thing to do. Moreover, you explicitly said that you didn't feel the need to take a stranger's feelings into account. Now you come back with a thread asking how to be nice to the stranger, and what's more, you claim that the smallest of white lies is an affront to your dignity.

Does not compute.

LOL Perhaps you need to get your "computer" fixed. Two days ago we were talking about how to end things with someone you'd actually dated. I explicitly stated almost an identical position regarding "lying" there. I walk because I don't lie and I don't want to deal with the aftermath of honestly. Does that compute?

This topic is about politely letting someone know you're not interested in a date in the first place, because you yourself are not datable, not because the person asking isn't worthy of you.

Edited January 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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Saying "no thanks" without being a b****

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