takingitslow Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Where do I begin… I have been married for 5 years and recently separated from my HB. We got married Three months after met and three months later I was pregnant, which was planned and we were both extremely happy about. I had never been married before and I had a 10 year old son. He had a 3 year old son and had been married once before me. In that marriage his ex wife had cheated on him but at the end he left her for another woman (that he still wont admit to) He never fully recovered from the effects of his ex-wife cheating on him but It did not seem to effect our marriage until he left me for another woman. Our marriage was strong, we at least I thought it was. We had our ups and downs but I now see that our communication needed desperate help. We were very much in love and I could never fathom the thought of him cheating on me. We were best friends and even though are communication to each other in what we wanted from each other needed work, we still talked about everything. He would never make a decision without discussing it with me and vice verse. My husband is 34 years old and is now living with his 21 year old GF. It all started when I found out he was texting his now GF over 50 times a day. I confronted him and of course he was embarrassed just saying they were friends but I didn’t believe him. At that point he called the GF to tell her they couldn’t talk anymore it was effecting his marriage. He said they were not sleeping together it was just talking. Something was not settling right with me so I asked if we could go to counseling and he agreed. We went to marriage counseling and he had told the counselor that he had ended his emotional affair with this younger girl and he was not sleeping with her and the counselor said she had believed him. Instead he brought up things about our marriage that had been happening for the past few years. At this point all my HB did was yell at me whenever he was trying to communicate and had become very hateful towards me.The counselor had suggested that in the heat of an argument we walk away with the agreement to meet back up again and discuss things when we were calmer. She believed that our marriage had a lot of hope. By the second appointment it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. That was the last appointment we ever went to. The counselor advised to give him a 30 day separation and let him figure things out. He was supposed to go to his brother’s house but instead he went straight to his GF's and I did not find this out until later. He told me he did not want a divorce but he had feelings for the OW that he could not just let go. He said that he did not know if we could ever truly be happy together. Of course I thought cheating was a “deal breaker” for me but I found myself asking him to try to work on our marriage and let the affair go so we can work it out. He couldn’t or wouldn’t and that’s when I basically pushed him to the OW. I told him I wanted a divorce and this was not going to work if he couldn’t let her go. A little background on the OW, She has been married before and now divorced; she does not have kids and has told my HB she does not want kids. She has been hateful towards me on her FB, which I winded up just blocking her so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at in anymore. This is not the man I married; he has become a compulsive liar. He has pushed his children to the side and has not made attempts to call them and can go two weeks without communication. I winded up filing for divorce within a few weeks after our discussion hoping it would shake him up a little but it didn’t. It would almost seem like he was resistant to actually move out of the home, it took him a month to get his clothes out. I am just in shock our separation date was 9/21/11 and my HB and the OW got an apartment and moved in together on 10/1/11. A month later he is meeting her parents and they have financed a car together. He has made his GF his top priority in his life and I just can’t understand how he could just drop his kids like nothing? How could he move so fast and hard with someone? Is he even thinking? I even wonder if he still loves me? It’s so hard to deal with this when he is in a rush to start a new life, forcing my kids to be around his new GF and adjust to her. He is even having his GF play with with the kids instead of him. They are signing birthday and Christmas cards together, throwing birthday parties together for his son. I am just sitting back and thinking “are you kidding me?” This just happened!!! and you have moved on like it was nothing. I wonder if he will ever be remorseful. Will this affair “fog” ever lift? I just like to hear from all of you of any words advice on how to forgive and move on when you’re still in love with someone that is causing so much pain?
newme9 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Where do I begin… I have been married for 5 years and recently separated from my HB. We got married Three months after met and three months later I was pregnant, which was planned and we were both extremely happy about. I had never been married before and I had a 10 year old son. He had a 3 year old son and had been married once before me. In that marriage his ex wife had cheated on him but at the end he left her for another woman (that he still wont admit to) He never fully recovered from the effects of his ex-wife cheating on him but It did not seem to effect our marriage until he left me for another woman. Our marriage was strong, we at least I thought it was. We had our ups and downs but I now see that our communication needed desperate help. We were very much in love and I could never fathom the thought of him cheating on me. We were best friends and even though are communication to each other in what we wanted from each other needed work, we still talked about everything. He would never make a decision without discussing it with me and vice verse. My husband is 34 years old and is now living with his 21 year old GF. It all started when I found out he was texting his now GF over 50 times a day. I confronted him and of course he was embarrassed just saying they were friends but I didn’t believe him. At that point he called the GF to tell her they couldn’t talk anymore it was effecting his marriage. He said they were not sleeping together it was just talking. Something was not settling right with me so I asked if we could go to counseling and he agreed. We went to marriage counseling and he had told the counselor that he had ended his emotional affair with this younger girl and he was not sleeping with her and the counselor said she had believed him. Instead he brought up things about our marriage that had been happening for the past few years. At this point all my HB did was yell at me whenever he was trying to communicate and had become very hateful towards me.The counselor had suggested that in the heat of an argument we walk away with the agreement to meet back up again and discuss things when we were calmer. She believed that our marriage had a lot of hope. By the second appointment it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. That was the last appointment we ever went to. The counselor advised to give him a 30 day separation and let him figure things out. He was supposed to go to his brother’s house but instead he went straight to his GF's and I did not find this out until later. He told me he did not want a divorce but he had feelings for the OW that he could not just let go. He said that he did not know if we could ever truly be happy together. Of course I thought cheating was a “deal breaker” for me but I found myself asking him to try to work on our marriage and let the affair go so we can work it out. He couldn’t or wouldn’t and that’s when I basically pushed him to the OW. I told him I wanted a divorce and this was not going to work if he couldn’t let her go. A little background on the OW, She has been married before and now divorced; she does not have kids and has told my HB she does not want kids. She has been hateful towards me on her FB, which I winded up just blocking her so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at in anymore. This is not the man I married; he has become a compulsive liar. He has pushed his children to the side and has not made attempts to call them and can go two weeks without communication. I winded up filing for divorce within a few weeks after our discussion hoping it would shake him up a little but it didn’t. It would almost seem like he was resistant to actually move out of the home, it took him a month to get his clothes out. I am just in shock our separation date was 9/21/11 and my HB and the OW got an apartment and moved in together on 10/1/11. A month later he is meeting her parents and they have financed a car together. He has made his GF his top priority in his life and I just can’t understand how he could just drop his kids like nothing? How could he move so fast and hard with someone? Is he even thinking? I even wonder if he still loves me? It’s so hard to deal with this when he is in a rush to start a new life, forcing my kids to be around his new GF and adjust to her. He is even having his GF play with with the kids instead of him. They are signing birthday and Christmas cards together, throwing birthday parties together for his son. I am just sitting back and thinking “are you kidding me?” This just happened!!! and you have moved on like it was nothing. I wonder if he will ever be remorseful. Will this affair “fog” ever lift? I just like to hear from all of you of any words advice on how to forgive and move on when you’re still in love with someone that is causing so much pain? I read this book called the power of now. its not for everyone and you have to be very open to it to understand and accept. i read it once before and it did not resonate with me casue i was not ready for it but a few years later, going through the divorce, i finally was ready and it changed my life. its about accepting the present moment and all circumstances as it should be. if he cheated on you, you deserve better. you can forgive him through acceptance of circumstances. he is human , albeit not a very good one, but once you forgive him for being human, then you start to heal. easier said than done i know. but i also never had my husband cheat on me so i can only feel compassion for smoeone like you. if you can forgive him, then you are stronger than the rest. and you shoudl be proud taht you want to forgive him and move on. another thing that might give you solace is that men move on faster merely cause in our masculine society we sometimes dont allow them to suffer adn feel the pain and talk about it openly as women do so they suffer and internalize. the way they cope is to move on fast. obviously you deserve better and if you can remind yourself of taht everyday, you will heal and you will find someone who can love you unconditionally. we're all complicated in our own ways and as soon as you accept it fully, you will no longer seek answers to why this happened. **** happens to us so we can either curl up in a ball and wither away or we can choose to grow and evolve and learn from our mistakes and make a better life for ourselves. hope that helps and best of luck.
trippi1432 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Welcome to LS first of all...to go back to your thread..he never got over his ex cheating on him..this is not your fault, I hope you know that. It's no reflection on you. There are so many in's and out's of emotional healing that can be spout here, but you are here dealing with the aftermath and a book doesn't get it. This is what happens when men don't own up to their own healing. You are better off without him, he was more of a shell of a man to begin with. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 In that marriage his ex wife had cheated on him but at the end he left her for another woman (that he still wont admit to) He never fully recovered from the effects of his ex-wife cheating on him but It did not seem to effect our marriage until he left me for another woman. I'm not sure how you're drawing such a straight line between his exW cheating on him and him cheating on you? Is this something you discussed in counseling? One objective interpretation of the facts as you've stated them is that he's a narcissistic assh*le that cheated on his first wife, left her for another woman (whom he probably cheated on, maybe with you without your knowledge), cheated on you with a 21-yr old and has walked away from his kids. You sure you want him back ??? Mr. Lucky 2
2.50 a gallon Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 When you say his kids, is that all 3, including the now 8 year old boy he brought into the marriage?
Author takingitslow Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Yes, All the kids are involved at this point. In the many talks about what he had done I had mentioned to him how bad I was hurt. He would reply by saying “I know your pain because I went through what you are going through" (When his ex wife cheated on him). He never gave counseling a fair shot. We only went twice and the whole time he made out to be my fault, so we never got to unravel the real issues involved. I believe the counselor saw him as being angry and that is why she suggested the 30 day break for him to figure things out. I do believe he has a pattern of starting a new relationship with someone else when he feels the current relationship is not "fun" anymore. His family has said, “he likes the in love feeling" that a new relationship gives and when that feeling is gone then so is he. They are also are very upset with him and he has distance himself from them as well. After his 1st marriage he was with a live in GF and I really don't know if he left her for me but I can only assume he did. I do not really believe I want him back but for me to heal I have found myself asking questions: would I ever take him back? I have considered all sorts of possible situations that could arise and how I would I handle them if they did. He already knew what he wanted but he kept me hanging in there because he wasn’t sure about his new GF and yes that is what he told me. I am a pretty strong person but this has thrown me for a loop. Instead of crumbling I have stood strong, for my kids and myself. Nothing could ever prepare you for such and emotional roller coaster as this.
trippi1432 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Yes, All the kids are involved at this point. In the many talks about what he had done I had mentioned to him how bad I was hurt. He would reply by saying “I know your pain because I went through what you are going through" (When his ex wife cheated on him). He never gave counseling a fair shot. We only went twice and the whole time he made out to be my fault, so we never got to unravel the real issues involved. I believe the counselor saw him as being angry and that is why she suggested the 30 day break for him to figure things out. I do believe he has a pattern of starting a new relationship with someone else when he feels the current relationship is not "fun" anymore. His family has said, “he likes the in love feeling" that a new relationship gives and when that feeling is gone then so is he. They are also are very upset with him and he has distance himself from them as well. After his 1st marriage he was with a live in GF and I really don't know if he left her for me but I can only assume he did. I do not really believe I want him back but for me to heal I have found myself asking questions: would I ever take him back? I have considered all sorts of possible situations that could arise and how I would I handle them if they did. He already knew what he wanted but he kept me hanging in there because he wasn’t sure about his new GF and yes that is what he told me. I am a pretty strong person but this has thrown me for a loop. Instead of crumbling I have stood strong, for my kids and myself. Nothing could ever prepare you for such and emotional roller coaster as this. I think his family hit the nail on the head "He likes the 'in-love' feeling" and that is just not sustainable in the long term with this type of man hun. He also sounds like he has a hard time being alone and sets up a new woman to be with before he lets go of the other one. There's not a thing that you can do to "fix" him. You sound like a very sensible person and are looking at this situation with the right perspective. As unfair to you and your kids as it is, you need to keep this man at arm's length for your own healing. Do not play party to his games so you can protect yourself from the emotional roller coaster. How do you move on?? It's a good question and everyone has a different answer I'm sure. Me in that situation, I would make myself and my kids the priority and never look in the rear-view mirror again going over "what-if's". Know that you and your kids deserve better and better will happen for you. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 He would reply by saying “I know your pain because I went through what you are going through" (When his ex wife cheated on him). This is where the extreme level of narcissism comes in to play. For most people, "I know your pain" means I understand the boundary it presents and won't go there. For him, it means I get that and here's some more of it because it's all about me, my needs, my wants, my short-term benefit. That he's failed in every meaningful relationship in his adult life should be a huge red flag. I hope you stay strong in moving forward with your kids, keep posting and let us know how it goes... Mr. Lucky 2
Author takingitslow Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 This is where the extreme level of narcissism comes in to play. For most people, "I know your pain" means I understand the boundary it presents and won't go there. For him, it means I get that and here's some more of it because it's all about me, my needs, my wants, my short-term benefit. That he's failed in every meaningful relationship in his adult life should be a huge red flag. I hope you stay strong in moving forward with your kids, keep posting and let us know how it goes... Mr. Lucky I have thought about this myself and have wondered what type of characteristic traits come in to play for a person to be a narcissistic? Your right I believe he is and he is also very very manipulative towards woman and his own children. This is something I will defiantly look into for myself to help me look more closely at the partner I may choose in the future. So I may also break this cycle I have of choosing incompatible men.
Author takingitslow Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 I think his family hit the nail on the head "He likes the 'in-love' feeling" and that is just not sustainable in the long term with this type of man hun. He also sounds like he has a hard time being alone and sets up a new woman to be with before he lets go of the other one. There's not a thing that you can do to "fix" him. You sound like a very sensible person and are looking at this situation with the right perspective. As unfair to you and your kids as it is, you need to keep this man at arm's length for your own healing. Do not play party to his games so you can protect yourself from the emotional roller coaster. Yes! He has never been alone and that should of been a red flag and only being married after 3 months of meeting did not give me an opportunity to really see red flags. That is something I "WONT" do again. I know I cant fix him or anyone else for that matter but I really wish he would just be a better dad, again that is asking for him to be "fixed" and out of my control. So YES! I am moving on and forward and keeping him at arms distance is really the best thing for my kids and myself. I just really needed to hear or read from others that he is all these things that in my heart I have come to learn him to be
Author takingitslow Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 I have never posted to a forum before. Posting my life out there even though it is pretty anonymous was still a little bit much for me. I have to say thank you because I came to this site looking for answers but to all the wrong questions. I now have answers to what I never could of put into words of what I was really seeking. This has given me a new light, hope and direction to a new beginning that I am choosing for myself. So thank you everyone for all of your detailed advice and taking the time reply. May GOD bless me on my journey and to you on yours. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 tis Then you are saying that he has left the 8 year old, his son, your step son in your care? My thinking is how long with this new lady last when she finds out that she has to take over the duties as a mom to the 8 year old?
Author takingitslow Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 tis Then you are saying that he has left the 8 year old, his son, your step son in your care? My thinking is how long with this new lady last when she finds out that she has to take over the duties as a mom to the 8 year old? No, we have 1 child together, he has a son and I have a son from previous relationships. Yes he left his son in my care while we were separated which was a month. This happened in September and he would visit the kids till 8pm everyday and then leave to go to his brothers house to supposedly have his "time" to think about our marriage but instead he was staying with his GF. The kids have been around my HB and his new GF. My HB says that his GF is supportive of him and the kids. He says she is ok with him having kids but she doesn't want any of her own at the moment. Which is prob. The only reasonable thing I have heard come from them. He won't attend my sons basketball games by himself because he doesn't want to leave his GF and says it will hurt his GF feelings. He will not leave his GF to spend time with the kids so she has to be present on order for the kids to see their dad. A little history my step son is still apart of my life and my husbands ex wife and I are friends and have been working together to keep the kids together and in contact with each other because they are all so close. That is another reason why I agreed to take his son while we were separated on my HB visitation week. He gets his son every other week for a full week. Now that my HB has moved in with his GF my son and daughter rarely hear from my HB. My HB son sees his dad the most only because he has visitation. Our daughters visitation is every other Saturday until 5 and again on Sunday till 5. He can come and pick her up anytime he wants to spend more time with her but doesn't and doesn't bother to make an effort to keep in contact with our daughter. He says him and his GF are too busy after work, cooking dinner and cleaning up???? I don't bother at this point to try to reason with him, he is unreasonable.
trippi1432 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 "His GF is okay with him having kids"?? Wow!! It's not like your own biological child is a puppy!! I'm so sorry you are going through this, he's extremely selfish and has a GF that perpetuates it and even instills it as part of her own self-preservation. You do need to recognize that and take it for what it is. That is their world and they are living in it.
Author takingitslow Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 "His GF is okay with him having kids"?? Wow!! It's not like your own biological child is a puppy!! I'm so sorry you are going through this, he's extremely selfish and has a GF that perpetuates it and even instills it as part of her own self-preservation. You do need to recognize that and take it for what it is. That is their world and they are living in it. Yes, this is true. They are playing house in living in a fantasy world. I almost think of him as a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. On the other hand his GF has very low self esteem from what my HB has explained to me and yes he would try to talk about her to me like I was his friend.. anyhow she thinks she has found her knight and shinning armor. With my HB narcissistic behavior and her low self esteem it almost makes for an oddly sickening perfect match until one of them out grows the other. Our daughters well being is the only thing I can focus on and I have to just keep staying positive for her and being there for her all the time. 1
Author takingitslow Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Also keep in mind she just turned 21 in October and from what it sounds like she does not have a moral base or values. I have no idea how her home life was but she felt comfortable enough introducing my HB to her parents right away. There is defiantly a lot of issues going on with his GF as well.
trippi1432 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 TIS - First of all, you need to establish a healthy boundary with him. You are NOT his sounding board on his issues with his GF. As far as evaluating the GF and her inner issues, they deserve no space in your head because healing is about YOU and your children....not dwelling on people who don't deserve your thoughts. No one has a crystal ball to see how it will all turn out, but what you can do is see where you want to land and that is better off without someone like this. 2
Author takingitslow Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 TIS - First of all, you need to establish a healthy boundary with him. You are NOT his sounding board on his issues with his GF. As far as evaluating the GF and her inner issues, they deserve no space in your head because healing is about YOU and your children....not dwelling on people who don't deserve your thoughts. No one has a crystal ball to see how it will all turn out, but what you can do is see where you want to land and that is better off without someone like this. You could not have said it better in my opinion. The most important thing for me to do is focus on the matter at hand ME and my KIDS. I can not dwell on people that do not deserve my thoughts or my energy. As of tomorrow I a m getting back to my work out routine, eating healthier and refocusing my self to only think about where I would like to see my family in the future and work towards the goals I have set for myself. 2
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