Quite Possibly the Worst MM you have ever heard about....

[wisernow]

I just cant get past the gruesomeness that you were just waiting for her to die. Whatever he was thinking how did you live with that? You can't have not thought "isn't she dead already?" more than once. How do you view those moments now?

 

His actions are awful, no argument.

 

I think she get's it MFH. Ad nauseam...

[wisernow]

Ok well I am interested in her answer, though ultimately its to her conscience she must answer.

 

My brother died from cancer. There's another OW on here whose MM and his wife are seeig their child battle cancer. I just cannot fathom the deathwatch, it really makes my skin crawl.

 

And that's your issue. OP didn't come here for your constant posts about how disgusting she is for wishing the BS die (and those were your words, not hers.) My point, you've said it over and over, and over again what a horrible woman she is. She get's it. Got it the first time you said it. Next. She gets you're disgusted. Your point was made a few pages ago.

[hissunshine]

You say the BW has cancer in her breasts, liver, bones and lungs. I have known 4 people who have died with lung cancer and in every case they passed very quickly after their diagnosis. One person lived 2 months, everyone else passed within weeks. One of the most heartbreaking aspects of lung cancer is that it's so fast and so aggressive. One day your loved one looks healthy and perfectly fine and then within one or two weeks they are ravaged by the disease and on their death bed. I can't imagine anyone with as much cancer as you say the BW has not being in a hospice or on her death bed in a hospital. Afterall you say that her husband has no help and so he couldn't possibly be working and giving her the amount of homecare that she needs. She may be battling cancer but I'm very suspicious of how advanced and how spread out you believe it to be.

 

On the other hand if everything you say is absolutely true, and that's a big if, and this MM really does work 60 hours a week and he does all of the house hold chores and tends to his childrens needs and their school meetings and events, and is his terminally ill wife's, who's entire body has been taken over by cancer,only care giver and he only sleeps 2 hours a night, then I don't think he is the worst MM ever. In fact I kind of feel sorry for him, because on top of the enormous load he is already carrying he also has an OW having meltdowns because she's not getting her birthday surprises or having MM make her a proper dinner. Having gone through helping a loved one while they were dying (and I didn't have nearly the load your MM is dealing with) I can't imagine someone whining to me about not getting a whole week of birthday surprises or because I offered take out instead of cooking during that time. Granted the MM is the cause of this because he wanted the affair but I think maybe he needs a friend more than he needs an OW. So if everything you said is true I don't think he's the worst MM I've heard of. On the other hand if he is lying about his wife's cancer and how sick she really is then that's another matter.

 

In any case, this death watch of yours was never going to pay off for you. If this guys wife is really terminally ill than he is going to be a real mess when she dies and in no frame of mind to get into another relationship. Not to mention his teenage children. How did they figure into your fantasy of happily ever after with this cheater? Did you think they were going to happily welcome you into their family as their stepmother. Surely you didn't really think this was going to end well did you?

 

Hi Alexandra

 

Thanks for posting this as it really gives me a different perspective....it actually gives me his perspective because what you have said here is pretty much the "excuses" I have heard for almost two years. It is really hard for me to understand what he is going through because I have never watched someone die like this. As you can imagine, this has caused a great deal of conflict. He always blames "the situation" as he calls it. Most of the time where I have had loads of empathy and understanding for what he is going through as we'll as W and the kids.

 

Naively, I thought sticking with him and staying connected to him would achieve a better result (which would be ending up together) than would recognizing that continuing the affair would only cause more harm than good. Well...hindsight is 20/20.

 

As for her cancer, the lung is the least serious of it all right now. The severity of the spread there is not the biggest problem. It only moved to her lung and liver 4 months ago.

 

As for the kids...well I am sure that would not have been easy either. We talked about that many times and he thought as long as that was done right, they would eventually accept me because, he said, I am a very warm and caring person (his reasoning, not mine).

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, even if you were to stay with him, after she does pass, it may be too painful for him. He may have felt really guilty for sharing his heart with you rather than all his focus be on his dying wife. He may associate that pain of losing his wife to you on some level and not saying he'd blame you but you'd be a reminder to him. Too close to the situation, being his escape (happy place) while away from home... His life for the past while has been caregiver. It's a hard transition afterwards.

[hissunshine]

I've already said she needs answer to herself, and said why I think that's necessary for healing and moving on. That's support.

 

No it's not support. It's easy to judge me but you are not living this and unless you are my exMM's W, I don't owe you any answers.

 

Trust me, if I could go back, I would run like hell from this situation. I have no control, influence or say in her health, treatment or ultimately her death.

[wisernow]

I've already said she needs answer to herself, and said why I think that's necessary for healing and moving on. That's support.

 

I understand that's what YOU think she needs as support. Trust me, I'm anti affair, have my own beliefs, post them here often, but what you've written isn't support. I have a bull shyte meter, and this story isn't setting off any alarms for me.

 

Her OP asked this:

Before I start, I want to say that I know that this will make some people very mad. But please, I am asking you not to flame me...I really don’t need that right now. I need support and I hope that maybe if there are others who are in a similar situation, they will read this and know that they are not alone. Honestly though, I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy

 

I think (and think OP gets) that she was in a bad, though self inflicted situation. She's get's it.

[Summer Breeze]

I reasonably call it unneccarily argumentative and unsupportive.

Especially the part where you don't even know who's thread it is. It doesn't belong to teatotaller at all.

 

I picked that up too. So glad I wasn't the only one LFH!

 

And to the poster who this referred back to (sorry can't remember your name) yes, I do reasonably find your responses 'flaming' when you consider how the OP started the thread. We do all have our own ideas of support but sometimes you have to remember your audience and say things appropriately.

[Summer Breeze]

Before I start, I want to say that I know that this will make some people very mad. But please, I am asking you not to flame me...I really don’t need that right now. I need support and I hope that maybe if there are others who are in a similar situation, they will read this and know that they are not alone. Honestly though, I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy.

 

I have not posted in over a year because I guess it is somewhat embarrassing to tell people what I have put up with and endured because I realize that there is not a man in the world who is worth the pain that MM has caused me.

 

To recap what I posted a year and a half ago, I became involved with a MM who wanted to leave his wife as his marriage was over and he was in love with me (and I with him). A month later, W was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer that had spread to her bones. I decided to stay in the relationship even if he decided to stay in the marriage until the end of her life, for the sake of his two teenage children (yes....I know). Almost two years later, the cancer is now in her lungs and liver, in addition to have spread extensively through her bones. The end is near, I am sure.

 

The past two years have been a mix of heaven and hell for us. What very small amounts of time that we are together, and this has gradually lessened as her condition has deteriorated, have been bliss. I could see in his eyes how much he loved me. All along he has made grand promises about the future we would have together. He always said that it is not the short term that matters, he wants us to get to the long term. Promise after promise after promise that I can see now were just a bunch of crap. The first year we were together, he went on many family vacations where he would completely shut me out of his life - no communication as he wanted to spend quality time with his girls. He said they were the most important thing to him and he wants them to find men someday that measure up to him. Of course, the father they know has not left their mother’s side since she got sick. Quite a sham he has put on.

 

My birthday was ignored in the first year as he was in NYC with W, because again this was one of her dying wishes. NYC is my favorite place on earth and before he went with her, he always talked about taking me. After promising me he would not go MIA during his trip, his BlackBerry conveniently broke so he disappeared for 4 days. It was really unfortunate that there are no other phones in NYC.

 

Christmas that year was also ignored and he disappeared again saying that it was a very emotional time as it was probably her “last” Christmas.

 

My last birthday in October he didn’t ignore. He came to visit that night with a card (the first thing he has ever given me) saying that he was going to turn the week into my birthday week - that it would be full of surprises. He also promised to make me dinner since he could not take me out. Other than sending me flowers at work 5 days later, there were no surprises. As for the dinner he was going to make me, he scheduled it the following week but on the day it was supposed to happen, his father allegedly showed up from out of town so “decide where you want to get takeout. I don’t have time to cook for you tonight”, he said. I grew somewhat of a backbone that day and told him I deserved more than takeout and if he did not have time to do it right, I didn’t want to do it. Up to a month later, he kept saying the surprises were going to happen! No shock to me, they did not.

 

I was ignored at Christmas this year...yet again, her “last” Christmas (although, I am sure it was)....I did my best to suck it up and be there for him. He cried to me how much he needed me and that everything else in his life was falling apart (insert crying here)....I needed to be his rock, I am his happy place.

 

I have tried to end it many times but I always miss him like crazy and go back, hoping to be able to endure the pain until we can be together. I have never gotten over his lack of thoughtlessness when it comes to me. It has hurt me deeply and I can’t move past it. Reading about how some OWs on here get gifts and trips and all kinds of gestures of affection from their MM had me wanting a normal affair on many occasions. Those situations would be quite a step up, sadly.

 

Well, I am finally happy to say that I have had enough. This guy is the lowest form of scum on this universe for many reasons. I am not listening to his crap anymore and I am not going to let him use me anymore!

 

It is OVER!

 

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself here sunshine. Ignore the rude posts that are designed to do nothing but drive you down even further. You know what he was and you're owning what you did. There are a lot of people both BS and OW/OM who will help you gather the strength to get through this.

 

NC is tough. It's so hard to walk away from someone you love, whether it's deserved or not. He didn't deserve our love at all but you gave it to him. He threw it back in your face every chance he got. When you feel weak remember that. You were all support for the situation he told you he was in and he was nothing for you. Talk to friends and get professional help if you think you need it. Post in here. Let it pass one day at a time and you will make it.

[stevie_23]

A normal affair doesn't have a terminally ill wife.

 

I think he IS the the lowest. Who cheats on a dying woman or a pregnant woman? But you knew he was right and you were o with it. So what's the problem? He's not nasty enough to her for your liking?

 

It just seems like you don't want him to be a better man. You want him to be a worse one. I hope you can move on. But I think you need to see your title is wrong.

 

This is true. You needed him to be a worse man because if he was a better man, he wouldn't have been with you in the first place.

 

To cheat on your dying wife...that does sound HORRIFIC on paper, HOWEVER. If he was truly intending to end the marriage before she got sick, well...it would also seem pretty disgusting to then still end it after she got sick, you know?

 

He did obviously love her once. And he still cares for her and most likely feels a strong sense of obligation and duty to her. Not that he's waiting for her to die or anything like that, but he was perhaps just trying to maintain his love for you in a really impossible situation for him. It would have been less selfish of him to end it with you when she got sick and he made the decision to stay in the marriage until the end, or at least give you the choice to leave and then MAYBE reconnect when he was "free". (He may well have done this, as you mentioned you chose to stay with him even when he told you he couldn't leave his wife). I understand this. I probably would've made the same choice as you.

 

The quoted post above also mentioned how bad it is for a guy to cheat when his wife is pregnant. My ex did this (not to his current wife, but to his 2nd wife. He's had 5). WARNING SIGN I DID NOT SEE #1. lol

[hissunshine]

This is true. You needed him to be a worse man because if he was a better man, he wouldn't have been with you in the first place.

 

To cheat on your dying wife...that does sound HORRIFIC on paper, HOWEVER. If he was truly intending to end the marriage before she got sick, well...it would also seem pretty disgusting to then still end it after she got sick, you know?

 

He did obviously love her once. And he still cares for her and most likely feels a strong sense of obligation and duty to her. Not that he's waiting for her to die or anything like that, but he was perhaps just trying to maintain his love for you in a really impossible situation for him. It would have been less selfish of him to end it with you when she got sick and he made the decision to stay in the marriage until the end, or at least give you the choice to leave and then MAYBE reconnect when he was "free". (He may well have done this, as you mentioned you chose to stay with him even when he told you he couldn't leave his wife). I understand this. I probably would've made the same choice as you.

 

The quoted post above also mentioned how bad it is for a guy to cheat when his wife is pregnant. My ex did this (not to his current wife, but to his 2nd wife. He's had 5). WARNING SIGN I DID NOT SEE #1. lol

 

Thanks Stevie! I have felt very "stupid" all along. It's nice to hear that someone else would have stayed and tried to tough it out. I think, although who would ever know what would have really happened, he would have divorced her if she stayed healthy as he was deeply in love with me. You really can't fake that.

 

You also mention that I needed him to be a worst man, this is interesting because that thought has also crossed my mind many, many times. These are the times where I would feel very guilty for what I was doing and get really angry at him for putting me in this situation. And by that I mean coming at me full speed, sweeping me off my feet and dropping the love bomb on me like I have never felt before. And yes...there was no gun held to my head to stay after she got sick (just putting that out there...maybe it will avoid a bit of flaming if I admit this! lol).

 

Finally, he did love her very much at for most of their marriage. He admitted that to me several times. In fact, he said they had a very good marriage up until the last few years before I came into the picture.

 

I honestly do not know what this guy really is. Is he the selfish b*stard that cheats on his wife wile she is dying or is he the good dad who stayed with the mother of his children until the very end and supported them every step of the way? I guess that's what makes this so difficult.

[hissunshine]

Aw hon... he's just a guy with flaws and he's screwed up and like Stevie said... life happens. If he was going to leave wouldn't he have been an ass to have done that once she was dying? And so where was he left? Rock and a hard place. I feel for him. I feel for you.

It's a crappy situation, I'm so sorry you are hurting. For what it's worth, I would have stuck by him as long as I could too. How are you doing today?

 

He would have been a total ass if he would have left!

 

Yes a crappy situation it is. I am a believer in the "everything happens for a reason concept"...I can't wait to find out the reason for this one.

 

So today I am okay, I think. When I ended it with him over text yesterday (W had spent the week in the hospital with a bad infection but was going home), I asked him if we could meet face to face so that there wouldn't be hate between us. He completely agreed and said he would try to find some time in the next few days. So part of me is waiting for that so that I can get some closure to this awful situation. The other thing that makes this day interesting is that I have a date tonight with a single guy who has no dying wife (I know...quite a concept, isn't it?). Honestly, I hope I don't see MM today as that will likely upset me and therefore ruin my date tonight. Its hard to stop loving someone when you have the feelings I have for him. Its also hard to hate him, no matter what he did to me.

 

Thanks for your support.

[2sunny]

If/when his W dies - it will be very difficult on the woman he brings around. Those kids may resent him mo matter who he dates... Because they need time to be sad that its not their Mother.

 

If it's within the first year or two of her death - they may make it very difficult for that woman as well...

[scatterd]

Finally, he did love her very much at for most of their marriage. He admitted that to me several times. In fact, he said they had a very good marriage up until the last few years before I came into the picture.

 

This comment makes me wonder why did he cheat if

he had a very good marriage. He choice to cheat rather then fix his marriage. Would he of found another excuse for staying had she not come up with cancer.

 

I honestly do not know what this guy really is. Is he the selfish b*stard that cheats on his wife wile she is dying or is he the good dad who stayed with the mother of his children until the very end and supported them every step of the way? I guess that's what makes this so difficult.

 

Do you consider a man that supported and stayed by his dying wife to be a good man when he has been cheating on her and loves someone else? Have you asked him if he has an insurance policy? I think you are doing the right thing by moving on. This could be you in the future. This is not the honorable man that loves his wife and sits by her bedside with love and tears in his eyes.If he was my husband I would come back and haunt his a--

Edited January 12, 2013 by scatterd

[hissunshine]

Is there any reason why you don't take time to be by yourself? It sounds like you need constant validation from men if you need to jump from one to another.

 

The last time you told MM about another man being interested you, he told you his wife's cancer came back shortly thereafter, which allowed him to eat cake while effectively keeping competition at bay.

 

Do you plan on telling him about this new guy?

What if he comes up with some other excuse to keep other men away from you?

 

Well...ironically...new guy got called into work so we are going to reschedule our date.

 

It's probably not a good idea that I tell him about the new guy, at least until I know if this new guy has real potential. Then I need to think about the negative effect that MM could have on this possible relationship. The last thing I would want would be for him to guilt me into not seeing him anymore, or something like that.

 

Taking time to be alone is probably a wise idea however, I don't have any plans to rush into anything with anybody right now. I have to take it slow....

[Sunshine87]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Heartbreak is never pleasant. I couldn't read through all the previous posts, so I hope I won't be repetitive. If I were in your shoes, I would have broken apart immediately I discovered that his wife was ill. Ild have given him all the space needed to cater to his dying wife. Trust me, you don't want to be the woman who waited for her MM's wife to die, in a bid to marry him. Im struggling to put into words, but it hardly ever ends well.

 

When his wife dies, a lot of grief will follow and a lot men will feel guilty for having an affair. Upon her death, they might attempt to disassociate themselves from everything that reminds them of the periods preceding/ surrounding their wives' death. That will include you.

 

At this point, you need to be selfless and compassionate.

 

I'm not sure if he was actually good to you prior to his wife's ailment. If he was, ild advice you to tell him to take all the time he needs to be there for his wife. I wouldnt demand any attention from him. If he wasn't, he won't be good to you after his wife dies. So you are better off moving on.

 

Ultimately, I would hate to be an accomplice to an affair that involved a dying woman. Your MM could end up hating you. Be supportive, extremely supportive for now; be a friend and nothing more. A friend, and not a lover. If you can't be, then give him time to be with his wife. She won't be here much longer.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Sunshine87

[Spark1111]

You are being used.

 

Get out.

 

In the event she passes, he will grieve the marriage and you will be looked at as the woman he betrayed her with.

 

There is nothing to redeem or hope for. it could be that his constant neglect is a coward's ploy to have you break up with him.

 

Walk away now. There is no future.

[woinlove]

Sounds like this man is very big on appearing as something he is not. As I said a couple years ago, or whenever you first posted, if he could put himself in his wife shoes he would step away and arrange good care for her so she would not have to spend her last few years living in such deception. I think a man who is so concerned about how he appears is more likely to want to cut past reminders of his poor behavior once his wife is dead and he has more options for comfort. My advice is to get out now and let him carry on whatever facade he wants on his own. I agree you are being used.

[stevie_23]

Thanks Stevie! I have felt very "stupid" all along. It's nice to hear that someone else would have stayed and tried to tough it out. I think, although who would ever know what would have really happened, he would have divorced her if she stayed healthy as he was deeply in love with me. You really can't fake that.

 

You also mention that I needed him to be a worst man, this is interesting because that thought has also crossed my mind many, many times. These are the times where I would feel very guilty for what I was doing and get really angry at him for putting me in this situation. And by that I mean coming at me full speed, sweeping me off my feet and dropping the love bomb on me like I have never felt before. And yes...there was no gun held to my head to stay after she got sick (just putting that out there...maybe it will avoid a bit of flaming if I admit this! lol).

 

Finally, he did love her very much at for most of their marriage. He admitted that to me several times. In fact, he said they had a very good marriage up until the last few years before I came into the picture.

 

I honestly do not know what this guy really is. Is he the selfish b*stard that cheats on his wife wile she is dying or is he the good dad who stayed with the mother of his children until the very end and supported them every step of the way? I guess that's what makes this so difficult.

 

People are just people, and always complicated. There are always a billion reasons why they behave the way they do, and trying to analyse it just exhausts you emotionally, because unless you get a direct explanation from him AND some kind of background search information from other people who know him and your and his situation (which is impossible obviously), you will NEVER really know.

 

Also, the thing about you needing him to be a worse man (because otherwise he'd have simply stayed commited fully to his marriage and never been with you in the first place)...this is interesting in a broader sense, because when people need something from each other, say in a relationship, if what they need does not match up with what they currently have available to them or what they themselves need, it can cause an unbalance or a tension. It's not good for what they BOTH need. Ideally, a relationship should make each person BETTER, a better person. Not a worse one. For you to NEED him to be a worse person in order for him to be with you, is a bit difficult, you know? It means what you both needed didn't quite match up unfortunately.

 

But this is why people change. Things always change. Always. I stuck my own head in the sand about this fact for ages, but I must face that it is true. If there is tension and things are out of balance like I mentioned above, SOMETHING must change so it rights itself. He would either have left the marriage so he wouldn't have to be this "bad" man anymore, or he'd leave you.

 

If I were you, I would prefer to think that he had loved his wife dearly through most of their time together. When you love someone in that way, it's easy to be with them and not screw up too badly within the relationship. When your feelings change? It's not so easy. He said his feelings changed for her around the time you came into the picture? I hope you don't feel bad about that and I hope HE doesn't hold you somehow responsible for HIS feelings, because for him to even be CAPABLE of developing feelings for you says his feelings for his wife had changed before that time anyway.

 

So yes, I'd assume he loved his wife, then his feelings slowly changed, he fell for you, he was deeply and genuinely in love with you, intended to really BE with you, and then...his life took these unexpected turns. He felt he couldn't walk out on his wife when she was so sick. He may have thought she would die soon and while he obviously didn't WANT that, if it was going to happen and he had no control over it, the least he could do is stay with her, like nothing's changed (from her point of view), and give her a decent and respectful (again, from her point of view) ending, so to speak.

 

If he didn't love you ENOUGH, he may have ended it when she got sick and he decided he had to stay. He wouldn't love you ENOUGH to go through the strain of trying to maintain your relationship as well as the more demanding one his existing relationship had become.

 

But he wanted you still. Because he loved you? I like to think so. It could also be because he was so selfish and greedy and truly had stopped caring about his wife to the extent that he just didn't feel BAD that he was trying to be with you while she was so sick. (and honestly, I can't blame him 100% if this is the case - that he didn't feel that bad when she was sick and lying down and he'd take advantage of that free time to spend it with you. Once you don't love someone like "that" anymore, anything you do for them, which once would've been a joy, becomes an obligation. So he would've maybe needed that "release" and enjoyable time with you even more by that time, if that makes sense.)

 

Was it selfish of him to LET you stay with him even though he knew he couldn't give you all you needed and deserved from him anymore? Yes, but if I were you in that situation and he'd tried to leave for reasons relating to MY wellbeing, I'd have said WHO ARE YOU TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME!? And I'd have stayed with him. Even though I'd know how bad things could get for me and us. However, some part of me, trusting 100% in his love for me, would expect him to still somehow make me a priority even despite everything.

 

I really do think...you can take it either way - that he was a selfish pig who wanted everything and was spoilt and greedy and didn't care either for you or his wife, OR he was in a marriage he didn't want to be in anymore, he'd fallen out of love with her and in love with you, but felt he couldn't leave her, felt pressured and saddened by the situation at home, still loved you and wanted to be with you, but just couldn't give you all you needed, and was simply trying to manage both...two lives, so to speak.

 

Oh, and lastly, you're not stupid for wanting to stay with someone you're in love with. Never worry about that.

Edited January 13, 2013 by stevie_23

[Million.to.1]

Congratulations for breaking up with him! Now whatever you do, don't get sucked back in!

[Capris]

hissunshine! Im really glad to find you back on here, its a weird coincidence, since its been a long time for me too and i actually came on this forum today for a totally different subject, just popped in to see "the other woman" threads and i saw you.

 

I dont know if you remember me, im the one that was trying to pm you. Well, i got to 100 posts, but i see you havent. So, im going to tell you my whole story and to the rest of you guys, which i doubt ive said. I apologise for not telling it, but i wasnt just there yet, now im totally better.

 

 

Here it goes.

I was exactly in your place. Affair lasted for almost 6 years, wife was diagnosed with cancer during the 5th. She passed away in 6 months...That was one of the worst periods in my life. She was so young and such a great person. Yes, i knew the whole family. 8 months after her passing, he dumps me. 3 months prior to that he had already found another woman.

 

Thats the story in one paragraph, i really dont know how to get into details without writing a novel.

 

I read alexandria35 responce on the prespective of your MM and as i can not say its not true, due to what i lived through, i will doubt it. I know, not objective. Thing is, as i said, ive been in your place and it was not pretty at all. I was a friend to him and his family(as much as my place,guilt and ethics allowed) throughout all of it. All of it. I still think of BW almost daily. I was there when he cried about her, when he drank his misery away, when he was struggling with the hospitals, i was there for his kids, for his work, for everything i could reach. I knew this was the worst thing that could happen to anyone and i was determined to help him and his family through it.

 

As for myself? Well, there wasnt any me. If i wasnt "damaged", i wouldnt be in an affair in the first place and i really would put me in at least one of my priorities. This is a reliazation of course that came way after the whole affair ended and explains the whole affair, not the cancer part. I would still try to be there for him or at least his family, cause i do care and cancer is a bitch. Strips everything away.

 

Wanting him to be the worst MM ever, is indeed a need you have in order to move on. Just dont think that if its a need, there is no truth to it. During the affair+cancer part, we both werent really intiment, my choice. Whenever we were, it was his call. I turned myself as a healing tool. Awful. During the whole affair, i too had never asked him to leave his family, in fact, sometimes i even helped him through rough patches with BW....I loved him, i really did. Putting myself in that position was on me and my psycological state from the beginning. I may had the martyr syndrome or something.

 

Anyways, im mumbling. To the point. How i FINALLY understood how much of a horrible human being his is to the point i am calling him a sociopath? (really waiting for my doctors point of view on that "diagnose"). Well, i didnt. Throughout the affair i had my own devils torturing me. He was full of lies, and although part of me could read right through them, the other part that always won, was so blinded in love that it drove me to a state where i couldnt trust my instict anymore. I would never wish that to my worse enemy. Actually fighting with yourself to believe lies.

 

So, basically 5 months after we broke up, clarity came. During those 5 months, i was still hoping for us to be together....I think most of that was because if we were not to be together, my last 6 years of my life would be a total lie and waste and i couldnt accept that. Well, now i can and i have almost no problem with that. I finally opened mt eyes and mind and truely saw him for what he was, at the least, a liar. So, if you have seen traits of his lying before the diagnose came, if your gut instinct was telling you to run away from him or just dont trust him, if you caught him in small and convinient "coincidences" that made you struggle to believe, focus on those moments and decide whether or not he is for real, or just a liar.

 

I really have tons of stuff to tell you that most likely help you. Feel free to ask, cause i really can write a novel about this and i do know what you are going through and how much it hurts. Take real good care of yourself and know that everythings going to be ok, i can guarantee that.

 

Tons of (((((((((HUGS))))))))))!!

Edited January 13, 2013 by Capris

[hissunshine]

OMG...Stevie...this post is amazing!

 

People are just people, and always complicated. There are always a billion reasons why they behave the way they do, and trying to analyse it just exhausts you emotionally, because unless you get a direct explanation from him AND some kind of background search information from other people who know him and your and his situation (which is impossible obviously), you will NEVER really know.

 

Also, the thing about you needing him to be a worse man (because otherwise he'd have simply stayed commited fully to his marriage and never been with you in the first place)...this is interesting in a broader sense, because when people need something from each other, say in a relationship, if what they need does not match up with what they currently have available to them or what they themselves need, it can cause an unbalance or a tension. It's not good for what they BOTH need. Ideally, a relationship should make each person BETTER, a better person. Not a worse one. For you to NEED him to be a worse person in order for him to be with you, is a bit difficult, you know? It means what you both needed didn't quite match up unfortunately.

 

Agreed...while many of our needs did line up, he always talked about us being in different places. His first priority, as he said, is just to get through the day. I am ready for a future and to move on. This also solidifies the fact that tension and pain will continue to happen as long as she is alive (and I don't mean that to sound like does) and very much justifies my ending it...as I can't go on any longer the way it is.

 

But this is why people change. Things always change. Always. I stuck my own head in the sand about this fact for ages, but I must face that it is true. If there is tension and things are out of balance like I mentioned above, SOMETHING must change so it rights itself. He would either have left the marriage so he wouldn't have to be this "bad" man anymore, or he'd leave you.

 

If I were you, I would prefer to think that he had loved his wife dearly through most of their time together. When you love someone in that way, it's easy to be with them and not screw up too badly within the relationship. When your feelings change? It's not so easy. He said his feelings changed for her around the time you came into the picture? I hope you don't feel bad about that and I hope HE doesn't hold you somehow responsible for HIS feelings, because for him to even be CAPABLE of developing feelings for you says his feelings for his wife had changed before that time anyway.

 

He did love his wife dearly until about a year BEFORE I came into the picture. He told me that, before me, he had resolved to stay in the marriage, even if he was unhappy and he would just fill his time with his personal hobbies, friends and family. So you are right on this one, his feelings had changed before I came into the picture

 

So yes, I'd assume he loved his wife, then his feelings slowly changed, he fell for you, he was deeply and genuinely in love with you, intended to really BE with you, and then...his life took these unexpected turns. He felt he couldn't walk out on his wife when she was so sick. He may have thought she would die soon and while he obviously didn't WANT that, if it was going to happen and he had no control over it, the least he could do is stay with her, like nothing's changed (from her point of view), and give her a decent and respectful (again, from her point of view) ending, so to speak.

 

Again, bang on based on what he has said to me. It is almost scary how close you are to what I have been living these past couple of years.

 

If he didn't love you ENOUGH, he may have ended it when she got sick and he decided he had to stay. He wouldn't love you ENOUGH to go through the strain of trying to maintain your relationship as well as the more demanding one his existing relationship had become.

 

Many times when I would question his love for me (as his actions never lined up with his words), he would always say, "do you think I would be here, putting up with this extra complication if I didn't?"

 

But he wanted you still. Because he loved you? I like to think so. It could also be because he was so selfish and greedy and truly had stopped caring about his wife to the extent that he just didn't feel BAD that he was trying to be with you while she was so sick. (and honestly, I can't blame him 100% if this is the case - that he didn't feel that bad when she was sick and lying down and he'd take advantage of that free time to spend it with you. Once you don't love someone like "that" anymore, anything you do for them, which once would've been a joy, becomes an obligation. So he would've maybe needed that "release" and enjoyable time with you even more by that time, if that makes sense.)

 

I think if he had stopped caring about his wife completely and was merely there because of obligation, I would have gotten a lot more of his time and attention than I did. Many of the the things he has done for her or the kids, would not have happened if he didn't still love her (although not like that).

 

Was it selfish of him to LET you stay with him even though he knew he couldn't give you all you needed and deserved from him anymore? Yes, but if I were you in that situation and he'd tried to leave for reasons relating to MY wellbeing, I'd have said WHO ARE YOU TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME!? And I'd have stayed with him. Even though I'd know how bad things could get for me and us. However, some part of me, trusting 100% in his love for me, would expect him to still somehow make me a priority even despite everything.

 

Again...scary that you say this. He did try and end it once stating that I could not live like this and that's exactly what I said to him "why do you get to decide?" The many times that things have boiled over, he has always told me that I needed to be happy and he understood if I couldn't take it anymore. The look on his face ripped my heart out though, which is why I have always gone back. And yes, I did expect him to make me a priority...I mean how can you love someone as much as he claimed to love me and not make me a priority?

 

I really do think...you can take it either way - that he was a selfish pig who wanted everything and was spoilt and greedy and didn't care either for you or his wife, OR he was in a marriage he didn't want to be in anymore, he'd fallen out of love with her and in love with you, but felt he couldn't leave her, felt pressured and saddened by the situation at home, still loved you and wanted to be with you, but just couldn't give you all you needed, and was simply trying to manage both...two lives, so to speak.

 

Sounds exactly like what he has said many times.

 

Oh, and lastly, you're not stupid for wanting to stay with someone you're in love with. Never worry about that.

 

So last night, I made the big mistake of ending up on one of his kids profiles. On it, she has a beautiful family picture, taken about 5 months ago where they are walking through the park. MM and W are holding hands, everyone looks very happy. Well, I just about threw up. My first thought was OMG...he lied to me as he told me that they never held hands or showed any kind of affection towards each other. My second thought was...thats the same hand he has used to touch me in very intimate ways. The whole thing made me sick. Its the feeling of being a big fat secret and his family having no idea that this man has lead a double life.

 

So of course I could not let that go...I texted him and said "Nice picture on Facebook of you holding W's hand." He read it and didn't respond (I could just imagine the shock he got from my message). I then sent him another, asking why he has lied and used me. He responded saying that it isn't what it looks like, he would explain it to me when he seen me (ie. our final goodbye.) I sent back "my eyes don't lie to me." He sent back "I told you, I will explain".

 

Friggin' Facebook!!!!!

[hissunshine]

hissunshine! Im really glad to find you back on here, its a weird coincidence, since its been a long time for me too and i actually came on this forum today for a totally different subject, just popped in to see "the other woman" threads and i saw you.

 

I dont know if you remember me, im the one that was trying to pm you. Well, i got to 100 posts, but i see you havent. So, im going to tell you my whole story and to the rest of you guys, which i doubt ive said. I apologise for not telling it, but i wasnt just there yet, now im totally better.

 

 

Here it goes.

I was exactly in your place. Affair lasted for almost 6 years, wife was diagnosed with cancer during the 5th. She passed away in 6 months...That was one of the worst periods in my life. She was so young and such a great person. Yes, i knew the whole family. 8 months after her passing, he dumps me. 3 months prior to that he had already found another woman.

 

Thats the story in one paragraph, i really dont know how to get into details without writing a novel.

 

I read alexandria35 responce on the prespective of your MM and as i can not say its not true, due to what i lived through, i will doubt it. I know, not objective. Thing is, as i said, ive been in your place and it was not pretty at all. I was a friend to him and his family(as much as my place,guilt and ethics allowed) throughout all of it. All of it. I still think of BW almost daily. I was there when he cried about her, when he drank his misery away, when he was struggling with the hospitals, i was there for his kids, for his work, for everything i could reach. I knew this was the worst thing that could happen to anyone and i was determined to help him and his family through it.

 

As for myself? Well, there wasnt any me. If i wasnt "damaged", i wouldnt be in an affair in the first place and i really would put me in at least one of my priorities. This is a reliazation of course that came way after the whole affair ended and explains the whole affair, not the cancer part. I would still try to be there for him or at least his family, cause i do care and cancer is a bitch. Strips everything away.

 

Wanting him to be the worst MM ever, is indeed a need you have in order to move on. Just dont think that if its a need, there is no truth to it. During the affair+cancer part, we both werent really intiment, my choice. Whenever we were, it was his call. I turned myself as a healing tool. Awful. During the whole affair, i too had never asked him to leave his family, in fact, sometimes i even helped him through rough patches with BW....I loved him, i really did. Putting myself in that position was on me and my psycological state from the beginning. I may had the martyr syndrome or something.

 

Anyways, im mumbling. To the point. How i FINALLY understood how much of a horrible human being his is to the point i am calling him a sociopath? (really waiting for my doctors point of view on that "diagnose"). Well, i didnt. Throughout the affair i had my own devils torturing me. He was full of lies, and although part of me could read right through them, the other part that always won, was so blinded in love that it drove me to a state where i couldnt trust my instict anymore. I would never wish that to my worse enemy. Actually fighting with yourself to believe lies.

 

So, basically 5 months after we broke up, clarity came. During those 5 months, i was still hoping for us to be together....I think most of that was because if we were not to be together, my last 6 years of my life would be a total lie and waste and i couldnt accept that. Well, now i can and i have almost no problem with that. I finally opened mt eyes and mind and truely saw him for what he was, at the least, a liar. So, if you have seen traits of his lying before the diagnose came, if your gut instinct was telling you to run away from him or just dont trust him, if you caught him in small and convinient "coincidences" that made you struggle to believe, focus on those moments and decide whether or not he is for real, or just a liar.

 

I really have tons of stuff to tell you that most likely help you. Feel free to ask, cause i really can write a novel about this and i do know what you are going through and how much it hurts. Take real good care of yourself and know that everythings going to be ok, i can guarantee that.

 

Tons of (((((((((HUGS))))))))))!!

 

Hey Capris! I do remember you...you are right, it is interesting that we both ended up back on here...

 

Well...I never saw a trace of a lie until almost a year into the sickness. Absolutely none before she got sick. I have been lied to by many guys before and I developed quite the BS detector! Most liars very quickly contradict themselves which is something that he didn't do. I guess my worst fear all along was that I would discover some great lie that would shatter my confidence. That hasn't happened...other than the facebook picture from last night, there really hasn't been anything (see what I posted in response to Stevie).

 

Wow....6 years...You said that she only got sick in year 6? What did he say the state of their marriage was like before she got sick? Did he ever promise to leave her? Did you want him to leave her (again...all before she got sick)?

 

Nice to talk to you again! Thanks for the hugs...right back at ya!

[Bailey14]

Ok well I am interested in her answer, though ultimately its to her conscience she must answer.

 

My brother died from cancer. There's another OW on here whose MM and his wife are seeig their child battle cancer. I just cannot fathom the deathwatch, it really makes my skin crawl.

 

Deathwatch?? If you are referring to me and MM's son's battle with a brain tumor, nowhere did I ever imply that there is a deathwatch happening. I firmly believe his son will be "cured" and I pray for it everyday. Why your skin is crawling escapes me.

[ThatJustHappened]

The married man should be doing everything he can to be making his wife and children feel better right now. The poor woman is dying, and his poor children are losing their mother. How can you begrudge him spending time with her and holding her hand? She is DYING.

 

Yes, he absolutely was using you to help him through a heartbreaking situation, but people should be cut a LOT of slack when they're going through something like this. I'm sorry you got used, but he is NOT a bad person for spending time with his wife and kids.

[beenburned]

There are many selfish, greedy, money loving people in this world. I agree with the poster that asked about the insurance money/assets he will receive upon the death of the spouse.

 

This MM fell in love and wanted out of his marriage until his wife was dying of cancer. He then decided to stay and play the devoted H!