"Met" a girl 12 months ago online, still haven't met

[Star Gazer]

She seems like she's severely agoraphobic.

[mortensorchid]

This whole situation sounds crazy, on both of your parts quite honestly. I would get out of this ASAP.

[FitChick]

she has had a boyfriend before. 3 actually. But she knew all of them since like pre-school.

 

I think you misunderstood. She had three boyfriends while she was in preschool. They did the "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" which traumatized her for life.

 

I have a feeling this woman might have been in a mental hospital for a long period of time and this might be sort of a halfway house situation. She is probably on public assistance of some sort. You could look up the address of her building and see if it's a Section 8 residence.

[outsidethebox]

Colderpr, it's getting a little rough but please try my meet at her front door I suggested above and let us know what happens.

[Million.to.1]

OP - you must be getting something out of this "she won't meet me" palava or you wouldn't still be doing it.

 

Until YOU examine why YOU are continuing to let it stay in this state, it will not change.

 

She will not change.

 

Ultimatums are your only choice. She either meets you, within a short time frame of say 3 days-1 week, however and wherever she is comfortable and with whoever else she wants to be present, or you can no longer be in a relationship.

 

This girl has serious emotional issues and i doubt she will ever meet you with how easy you are making it for her to not.

[veggirl]

I'm sure she's lying about having 3 exes. Or did they not go on dates? Not sure how you expect anytime of fulfilling long term relationship with someone who can't even go to the grocery store. I take it she doesn't have a job?

[Emilia]

Because she makes me really happy. Even though we aren't actually together she still makes me happier than some of my ex's did. It is hard though. I do miss a real relationship and do find myself missing my ex's at times - well not really the people, just the relationships.

 

You live in a fantasy world and you found someone who is happy to share it. Luckily you have started realising that this is just exactly that: the projections and manipulations of your own mind. You have no idea who this girl is, chatting online is meaningless because you will always just keep building the fantasy person in your own mind rather than deal with reality.

 

Maybe you are getting ready for finding a real girlfriend? Time to leave the bubble? I'm guessing that's the real reason behind this thread.

[LucieLocket]

mm, i can sort of relate to this. we havent skyped though. but the wait of it, its the most annoying, building yourself up for something that might not even happen and will suck if it ends. scared of losing what you have kind of, to having nothing at all to fall back on. its not fair for the both of you. you need to say something, give her a we need to meet by 3 months max. then if not, you will have to take charge and go through not talking to one another.

[ls32ssibm]

Let's see here;

 

 

1. She is lying to you about something. Does she have body shots online? Like, bikini pics? I've met a girl online who appeared "mysterious" but was very overweight in person. Even if she does, they could be years old.

 

 

2. She sounds completely insane. I'd be more worried about her snapping and coming to kill you and chop you up at this point. Especially if you end up "breaking up" with her.

 

3. Have some self-respect, and common sense. How do you know she isn't married or something and is having an emotional affair with you? You don't.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is one of the oddest posts I've seen on LS...and that's saying a lot ;-)

 

She's either...

 

A) lying or hiding something she's afraid for you to know or find out

 

B) batshet crazy and I wonder how in the world you'd ever be w someone like this, I think you're way in over your head and in fantasy land

 

At this point I see no other option than to force meet her...id want to know if this is real..if she goes psycho and maces me then at least I know that's the reaction but I doubt shee can bring herself to meet you on her own will at this point.

 

You could also leave her a note on her car or door...and just let her get used to the contact, the whole thing is crazy but you've got to do something at this point...its been one whole year and she's been resistant...its make it or break it at this point and honestly if you leave it up to her own will this could never happen and just end at some point or take months more or another year...you've got to take action...shell either adapt or crumble but if I were you this is what its come to...a year is long enough by leaps and bounds plus your life will be crazy w this girl, imagine doing the simplest things in life you need to wake up and live that.

[FitChick]

You can keep chatting with her as a friend, but start dating in real life as well. I predict that she will fade into the background as you find a real person.

[edgygirl]

This is one of the weirdest posts I've seen as well... but having done LD before where it took from 2 to 10 months to meet someone live I can relate somehow (not with the she lives around the corner part!) - and have to tell you - everything changes when you interact live. She will be totally different than the vision your mind created. So I wouldn't count on her being the woman of your life before you actually meet her - you're projecting what you want into her.

 

You have to meet her SOON or move on. You're wasting your time.

[LadyChatterley]

What does multitasking have to do with this?

 

 

 

Based on what I've seen, I think she is trying. One time that I asked her to meet me for coffee, I was already at her street. I wanted to see if she was actually going to leave her apartment or not because she always said that she did but got axiety and couldn't make it to the coffee shop. And she did get into her car and head towards the coffee shop. If she wasn't going to meet me, she wouldn't have done that because she didn't know I was there.

 

(Again not stocking, verifying).

 

 

this sounds like it could be some quirky romance movie

 

 

You already put in a year. Have her promise that she'll gradually expose herself to small things, so eventually she'll be more functional and can take on big things. Tell her she needs to work on facing her fears, however small at first, in order for you to continue doing it. Examples: Go to the grocery store during a slightly busy time but not extremely. Take more frequent walks outside. Try to sit in public places and feel the anxiety. Don't escape. Feel it til it's gone. Escaping reinforces the mind that it must flee in times of anxiety instead of facing it. Go to the grocery store during packed hours. Tell her to smile at more strangers.

 

Maybe it'll eventually get to a point in which you can both be in the same building together yet not meet each other and keep working it up. I don't think it has to be something off. Some people just do have anxieties and neuroses like this. I think it's nice that you're waiting. Numerous people would have given up, but maybe giving up is what she needs to realize she needs help, and she can't go on like that after all the missed opportunities. Trying the accidental meetup thing sounds like it could work if you don't approach her. Just make yourself visible, but act like you don't see her. If you were to just show up to her place, it would betray her trust, but it could also just make her panic at first but then realize it's not as bad as she thought, and everything goes well from there.

 

I don't think video is that different from in person. You see their mannerisms. It's like you're talking face to face, just slightly disconnected, although your smells might not be compatible. The only thing is that you don't get shared memories. You don't have sentimental connections to various places you've been together or the ability to gauge if you actually can stand physically being around them and in their presence for extended periods of time.

[truth_seeker]

She's either...

 

A) lying or hiding something she's afraid for you to know or find out

 

B) batshet crazy and I wonder how in the world you'd ever be w someone like this, I think you're way in over your head and in fantasy land

 

At this point I see no other option than to force meet her...id want to know if this is real..if she goes psycho and maces me then at least I know that's the reaction but I doubt shee can bring herself to meet you on her own will at this point.

 

I agree with Ninja. I will go further and say it's both A and B.

 

She's off the charts and is lying to you. I think she only likes you as a pen pal to string along for attention. I will guess that if you met her in person she would deny that she is in fact the person you have been corresponding with for the past year. She might even have a boyfriend or could be playing this game with multiple men at once.

 

Even if you do meet her and you start dating, how in the hell can you have a normal relationship with a person like this? She will torture you and drive you right into an insane asylum. Take it from me. I know what I'm talking about here.

 

My advice: go have sex with other women.

Edited January 12, 2013 by truth_seeker

[Colderpr]

And how are you going to have a relationship with someone who seems terrified of other people and being in social situations?

 

I guess I'm hoping that it will just work out... Naive, I know. I'm hoping that she will learn to trust me and I'll make her feel safe.

 

In my opinion you two should forget the meeting in public thing. Meet at her front door with the door ajar on a chain. Bring your phone and just text with her. Talk but as accessories to your texting. Tell her you can do it until you have to go take a break and get a cup of coffee anyway.

 

I think I'm going to see if I can work something like this out. I hadn't thought of this.

 

Watch MTV show CatFish. Something weird is going on here.

 

I have actually seen that - and the movie. The huge difference with us is that we skype with video every day. None of those people did.

 

Yeah I was wondering if she was trying to hide something...with her appearance or in her apt (like hoarding issues?)

 

It sounds like she has a very, very deep rooted mental problem. I wonder if she is truly a virgin or did she suffer some type of trauma or abuse. It just seems way over the top for someone to just develop without anything provoking it.

 

If she doesn't want to tell you her address, would she consider meeting for coffee but initially sitting at separate tables texting until she's comfortable to join you? If not, I think you have done all you can. Don't waste any more of your youth on someone who's not ready or willing to start conquering her fears.

 

I'm not sure if there is anything in her apartment. I always thought that she didn't really want to show me because she was nervous I'd recognize it. There is a huge apartment block and all the apartments are identical. I have a buddy who lives in the building across from her.

 

With her appearance I don't think she has anything to hide. She is always sucking in though if she is wearing a tight shirt. And she has mentioned that she wants to lose 10 pounds but it "isn't working". She is by no means fat though. She said she wanted to lose weight after I mentioned that my ex was bulimic. Maybe she thinks she isn't thin enough... But that wouldn't be the whole reason for her not being able to see me. Maybe just icing on the cake, so to speak.

 

I don't know if she is truly a virgin. If she isn't then she is very inexperienced. If we talk about anything sexual she gets a little weird or clearly doesn't know what I'm talking about. I've wanted to ask if she had a trauma or something, but didn't know if I should. Should I ask?

 

Thanks for the coffee tip, I hadn't thought of that one either.

 

But she goes out when she has to.......

 

She actually doesn't go out unless she REALLY has to. Her car broke down, her friend took it in. She only goes shopping at night when the stores are empty or she has groceries delivered (big thing here). She goes to full service gas stations so she can just slip the money through the window and doesn't have to get out of her car to get gas.

 

But I do see what you're saying.

 

She seems like she's severely agoraphobic.

 

I wouldn't doubt it... Should I ask? She would know if that was the cause because she is in therapy. I feel like it's either that or trauma - or both.

 

I think you misunderstood. She had three boyfriends while she was in preschool. They did the "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" which traumatized her for life.

 

I have a feeling this woman might have been in a mental hospital for a long period of time and this might be sort of a halfway house situation. She is probably on public assistance of some sort. You could look up the address of her building and see if it's a Section 8 residence.

 

No she did not have them in preschool. They were people she knew SINCE preschool.

 

I don't think she is on public assistance, but she isn't living in a halfway house. A friend of mine lives in the same apartment block. Different apartment but same block/ownership.

 

I'm sure she's lying about having 3 exes. Or did they not go on dates? Not sure how you expect anytime of fulfilling long term relationship with someone who can't even go to the grocery store. I take it she doesn't have a job?

 

I don't think she is lying about it. Through FB everything ads up. She has pictures with them when she said they were dating - except for 1 because it was before FB - and if I go back on her wall I can read what they wrote. From what I know they mostly just sat inside and watched movies... Which is why they didn't last. She doesn't work. She does online uni classes and is paying for the apartment with her uni money that was set aside.

 

She sounds like a very sick young woman. I am curious why you think you cannot do any better than her in terms of relationships.

 

I don't think I can't do better. I think that I can't find someone like her.

 

Let's see here;

 

 

1. She is lying to you about something. Does she have body shots online? Like, bikini pics? I've met a girl online who appeared "mysterious" but was very overweight in person. Even if she does, they could be years old.

 

 

2. She sounds completely insane. I'd be more worried about her snapping and coming to kill you and chop you up at this point. Especially if you end up "breaking up" with her.

 

3. Have some self-respect, and common sense. How do you know she isn't married or something and is having an emotional affair with you? You don't.

 

She doesn't have body shots online, that'd be weird. But I have seen her body on skype hundreds of times.

 

Anxiety and murderer are too very different things.

 

I know that she isn't married because I have her on FB, I text her almost all the time and we skype whenever I ask - be it 2PM or 2AM. There is never any noise from anyone else home - other than her dog. Trust me, she is not married or with someone else.

 

You could also leave her a note on her car or door...and just let her get used to the contact

 

Hmm.. I'm going to think about this too.

 

You can keep chatting with her as a friend, but start dating in real life as well. I predict that she will fade into the background as you find a real person.

 

I did tell her that if I liked someone else I would leave her and be with the other person. It didn't help her see me though it just made things worse. She felt like I didn't like her enough so I wouldn't stick around later. I really can't see myself liking someone else when I have feelings for her. But I will admit that I'm not not looking. If I happen to meet someone or see someone that I'm interested in I'm not going to hold back.

 

This is one of the weirdest posts I've seen as well... but having done LD before where it took from 2 to 10 months to meet someone live I can relate somehow (not with the she lives around the corner part!) - and have to tell you - everything changes when you interact live. She will be totally different than the vision your mind created. So I wouldn't count on her being the woman of your life before you actually meet her - you're projecting what you want into her.

 

Thank you for that. I don't know anyone else that's been through LD. I'll remember that.

 

this sounds like it could be some quirky romance movie

 

 

You already put in a year. Have her promise that she'll gradually expose herself to small things, so eventually she'll be more functional and can take on big things. Tell her she needs to work on facing her fears, however small at first, in order for you to continue doing it. Examples: Go to the grocery store during a slightly busy time but not extremely. Take more frequent walks outside. Try to sit in public places and feel the anxiety. Don't escape. Feel it til it's gone. Escaping reinforces the mind that it must flee in times of anxiety instead of facing it. Go to the grocery store during packed hours. Tell her to smile at more strangers.

 

I'm going to talk to her about slowing doing things, like you said. Sometimes we try that and it will work for a couple days then she stops.

[ls32ssibm]

She doesn't have body shots online, that'd be weird.

 

 

 

Not it isn't, women that usually only post face shots on FB are fat. Just saying.

 

 

 

 

 

You can get defensive all you want, but that doesn't make your situation any less crazy or likely to change.

 

 

 

Best thing you can do is slowly begin to phase her out of her life. Stop texting so much, stop skyping every night, plant a seed in her brain that you're moving on. Then ask her out one last time. If she refuses, move on.

 

 

Or don't and waste more precious years of your life.

[curlybell]

Have you seen the new show called "catfish"....we rally should... Its on cable TV... sow is about online R...these 2 guys find that other person...i;m shocked to see how many people have created online personas its worth finding and seeing... much luck!

[Colderpr]

She doesn't have body shots online, that'd be weird.

 

Not it isn't, women that usually only post face shots on FB are fat. Just saying.

 

Best thing you can do is slowly begin to phase her out of her life. Stop texting so much, stop skyping every night, plant a seed in her brain that you're moving on. Then ask her out one last time. If she refuses, move on.

 

She does have pictures with her body, I was thinking about bikini shots or something along those lines.

 

I have tried texting her less, skyping less, but she notices and gets upset which makes seeing me harder. We get the closest to seeing each other when everything is good between us. But I am thinking that I do need to do something...

 

Have you seen the new show called "catfish"....we rally should... Its on cable TV... sow is about online R...these 2 guys find that other person...i;m shocked to see how many people have created online personas its worth finding and seeing... much luck!

 

I've already said that I've seen that move and show. The difference is NONE of those people have ever video chatted with the other person. I do every night.

[outsidethebox]

cold, you are one of the most reasonable people I have ever read. She is very lucky to have you as a friend. You are also to be commended for not being highly irritated by people insisting you give an ultimatum and apparently can't understand you when you tell them that you chat by video.

 

You did mention shirt though, as if you possibly haven't see full body in the video, like her walking away and back (for hours?) In any event, you have seen enough to know she is clearly not morbidly obese as one might suspect from her actions. I doubt her behavior is based on her percieved body image but who knows.

 

I wouldn't ask her anything. Is it relevant whether a label is assigned to her behavior? It is what it is.

 

I don't know what you see in a girl that doesn't want to talk about sex though. That's no fun.

[FitChick]

Why not see if you can find other photos of her online? I know there is a way with google. If she was a witness in a murder trial, for example, you might find a photo from the trial or that case. Perhaps she is afraid someone might recognize her. She might have changed her name since then. Maybe SHE was the one who committed a crime and is on the run.

 

Start a fire outside of her apartment door and as she comes running out, have a fire extinguisher handy. You'll be her hero.

[veggirl]

This relationship is all about her her her. It's you giving in to her insane issues. How is she compromising at all? What is she gonna do when she graduates online college? And her poor dog, does he ever get to see the outdoors or go for walks?

[Colderpr]

Why not see if you can find other photos of her online? I know there is a way with google. If she was a witness in a murder trial, for example, you might find a photo from the trial or that case. Perhaps she is afraid someone might recognize her. She might have changed her name since then. Maybe SHE was the one who committed a crime and is on the run.

 

Start a fire outside of her apartment door and as she comes running out, have a fire extinguisher handy. You'll be her hero.

 

Re-read what you wrote. Now YOU are the crazy one.

 

She is not an ex-convict or on the run, but I will be if I light a fire. One word, arson.

 

I have put her pictures into Google images though. None of them came up as being on the Internet.

[Colderpr]

This relationship is all about her her her. It's you giving in to her insane issues. How is she compromising at all? What is she gonna do when she graduates online college? And her poor dog, does he ever get to see the outdoors or go for walks?

 

She's trying to be with me. She does leave her apartment to try so she IS trying. It is hard for her to try and hard for her to not be able to be with me. It's not a walk in the park for her either. She is going to be working in a lab, very little contact with the public. She walks the dog that's the only time she feels safe outside. I think its a St Bernard, no one goes near someone with a huge dog. We've tried meeting with her bringing her dog but it didn't help. I think it might be a working dog or therapy dog or whatever they're called. One time we skyped it was wearing a red vest.

[Jms3]

I consider myself to be open-minded and tend to always take into consideration both sides of the story. But this situation has me flabbergasted!

 

By your profile picture, you look like an average, normal, good lookin guy. I'd be curious to know exactly how you two connect and why it's so hard for you to quit!? What is it exactly that has you wrapped around her finger? Does she tell you she loves you? That you're perfect for her? What is it?!

 

I was immediately thinking Catfish (I watch it religiously) but as you mentioned, you've Skyped her multiple times. She could however be having multiple relationships with other guys, just like she is with you. She could have multiple computers and/or multiple phones (like the last Catfish).

 

What are you hoping to get out of this? It sounds like you want to save her, but I don't think you can! More importantly, she doesn't want you to! If she did, and if she really, really wanted to be with you, she would have met you! She's in therapy for a reason, a deep rooted issue that is causing her anxiety. Why do you want the baggage? Because you feel bad? Until she can be happy with herself, there's no way she can be happy with you. Why would you want to subject yourself to a relationship where you can't go anywhere, communicate in a mature manner, or have sex? You're 26. You said you want to be married with kids. At this rate, that's not happening!

 

You are doing a very good job at keeping your cool with all the responses from everyone. We can give you all the advice we want, which seems unanimous but only you can make the final decision. The ONLY option I can give, on your behalf, would be suggesting to meet her therapist with her.

 

And honestly, if I were you... I'd do even more stalking (or verifying).

[ls32ssibm]

I usually give a girl 2-3 chances that I've met online for a first date, depending on how much I think I'll like her. Once she flakes or says she has plans that many times I move on and stop talking to her.

 

 

 

How do you think this ends, seriously?