coffeebean201 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Sounds like if you finally do connect with her in person, she won't leave the house much. It is one thing to be a homebody (likes hanging around at home and doing projects around the house), and it is something else to date someone who has severe anxiety issues about being out and about in the community and meeting people and making friendships with new people. And it doesn't sound like she is going to change anytime soon. You are outside of her "bubble". Not sure who else is in her bubble, but you are clearly outside of her personal bubble (hugs, touch, go for coffee).
cheshire_cat Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 You have got to be kidding me? I'm sorry, I don't care how much "anxiety" she claims to have no girl would go an entire YEAR without meeting a guys she really likes if something wasn't fishy or odd. Does she even leave the house? I don't remotely understand how someone could claim to like another person but never actually bring themselves to meet this person, especially if you two actually live 15 minutes apart. If she has that much anxiety, then perhaps she should look into a therapist and not a faux online relationship. 4
LostGirl11 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 This is crazy! Look, she's obviously quite happy with the way things are, she is comfortable with just texting/skyping ect. Of course she's going to tell you how she really wants to meet you, it keeps you hooked and she knows you won't go anywhere. Seriously, she isn't going to meet you. Tell her not to contact you again unless she want's to meet in the next 24 hours. May sound cruel but what she is doing is worse. You've pretty much wasted a year. 3
outsidethebox Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I was wondering if she multi-tasks with you and then I wondered if you were multi-tasking while texting with her. Just wondered.
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Sounds like if you finally do connect with her in person, she won't leave the house much. It is one thing to be a homebody (likes hanging around at home and doing projects around the house), and it is something else to date someone who has severe anxiety issues about being out and about in the community and meeting people and making friendships with new people. And it doesn't sound like she is going to change anytime soon. You are outside of her "bubble". Not sure who else is in her bubble, but you are clearly outside of her personal bubble (hugs, touch, go for coffee). This is a little bit of an issue but not too much. I'm a homebody but I would hope that we'd be able to go on dates here and there. Always doing the same thing - sitting at home, watching movies - gets old fast. She doesn't like being in crowds so I think we would just have to plan around that. Like movies in the afternoon on weekdays or less popular restaurants earlier in the day. Definitely outside her bubble. You have got to be kidding me? I'm sorry, I don't care how much "anxiety" she claims to have no girl would go an entire YEAR without meeting a guys she really likes if something wasn't fishy or odd. Does she even leave the house? I don't remotely understand how someone could claim to like another person but never actually bring themselves to meet this person, especially if you two actually live 15 minutes apart. If she has that much anxiety, then perhaps she should look into a therapist and not a faux online relationship. She does have anxiety, I've seen her have anxiety attacks while we were skyping and I asked her questions about coming to see her. She also gets very different sometimes when I ask to see her via text. She will start thinking all of these crazy things. She is in therapy.
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I was wondering if she multi-tasks with you and then I wondered if you were multi-tasking while texting with her. Just wondered. What does multitasking have to do with this? Seriously, she isn't going to meet you. Based on what I've seen, I think she is trying. One time that I asked her to meet me for coffee, I was already at her street. I wanted to see if she was actually going to leave her apartment or not because she always said that she did but got axiety and couldn't make it to the coffee shop. And she did get into her car and head towards the coffee shop. If she wasn't going to meet me, she wouldn't have done that because she didn't know I was there. (Again not stocking, verifying).
sid3 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (Again not stalking, verifying). Highly subjective.
somedude81 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I've had 5 girlfriends not including the one I have now. Most of the relationships were 1-3 years. I'm shocked. I expected you to answer no. What the hell are you doing with her for so long if you know what it's like to be in a real relationship?!
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Highly subjective. I've spent a year doing this. I wanted to make sure she was actually who she said she was AND that she was actually trying to see me. I think anyone in this situation would do it - not that many people would be in this situation.
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I'm shocked. I expected you to answer no. What the hell are you doing with her for so long if you know what it's like to be in a real relationship?! Because she makes me really happy. Even though we aren't actually together she still makes me happier than some of my ex's did. It is hard though. I do miss a real relationship and do find myself missing my ex's at times - well not really the people, just the relationships.
sid3 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Because she makes me really happy. Even though we aren't actually together she still makes me happier than some of my ex's did. It is hard though. I do miss a real relationship and do find myself missing my ex's at times - well not really the people, just the relationships. Time to bail.
coffeebean201 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 You have been a good friend to her. But that is what this is. Friendship. You are right, it isn't a relationship. And her anxiety issues seem to dominate any activities you want to do together. You are going to find the restrictions of her anxiety condition very restrictive should you want to raise a family together. Might not even be possible with her personal bubble being so strict. It isn't like she goes out rarely. She doesn't go out at all.
somedude81 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 So why make this thread? I'm sure you had an idea of what the majority of responses would be. Everyone has pretty much told you the same thing.
coffeebean201 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 So why make this thread? I'm sure you had an idea of what the majority of responses would be. Everyone has pretty much told you the same thing. I think he has found happiness with this girl and he wants to be really sure it is impossible before he goes through the agony of having less contact with her. 1
veggirl Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I would tell her that I can't be in a virtual relationship, but would be happy to remain friends. I'm sure she'll freak out and cry and then you'll change your mind.... I guess I'm wondering what kind of responses you were looking for? You say you won't do this "forever" but you've gone from a week to a month to a year. When is enough enough? You are just getting more and more attached to her, this'll go on for YEARS if you don't do something about it. Not to mention it'll prob be a disaster dating her...have you asked her why she was online dating? if she wants a virtual relationship, she should try for someone on another continent or something. this relationship, if it ever gets online, will likely be full of drama and full of you constantly catering to her, which will only cause resentment in you. 1
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I would tell her that I can't be in a virtual relationship, but would be happy to remain friends. I'm sure she'll freak out and cry and then you'll change your mind.... I guess I'm wondering what kind of responses you were looking for? You say you won't do this "forever" but you've gone from a week to a month to a year. When is enough enough? You are just getting more and more attached to her, this'll go on for YEARS if you don't do something about it. Not to mention it'll prob be a disaster dating her...have you asked her why she was online dating? if she wants a virtual relationship, she should try for someone on another continent or something. this relationship, if it ever gets online, will likely be full of drama and full of you constantly catering to her, which will only cause resentment in you. I have asked her why she was online dating and she just says that she doesn't know. I don't think dating her would be a "disaster" though. It couldn't be any worse than this. I don't see how it would be "full of drama" and I'd "constantly be catering to her". It will be hard I'll admit that, but not a disaster.
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Time to bail. Because I miss a relationship? So why make this thread? I'm sure you had an idea of what the majority of responses would be. Everyone has pretty much told you the same thing. This: I think he has found happiness with this girl and he wants to be really sure it is impossible before he goes through the agony of having less contact with her.
BrokenPrincess Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Have you talked to or met any of her friends or family? During your Skype calls, have you seen her entire body and her apt? Is she afraid of an in-person romantic relationship with a new person or does she have these anxieties just moving around in everyday life? (Ie is she also anxious that the barista may chop her up or just her virtual boyfriend?) I'd give her 2 weeks to make it happen. You are trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her, but she's gonna have to step up & get the courage to push herself. And if she absolutely can't, then she needs to set you free so you can spend those hours & hours of Skype time finding someone else.
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Have you talked to or met any of her friends or family? During your Skype calls, have you seen her entire body and her apt? Is she afraid of an in-person romantic relationship with a new person or does she have these anxieties just moving around in everyday life? (Ie is she also anxious that the barista may chop her up or just her virtual boyfriend?) I'd give her 2 weeks to make it happen. You are trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her, but she's gonna have to step up & get the courage to push herself. And if she absolutely can't, then she needs to set you free so you can spend those hours & hours of Skype time finding someone else. I have talked to a couple of her friends on FB and via text. It was at the beginning of the "relationship" when I was trying to understand her more. She doesn't know about this - if she does she hasn't mentioned it. I've seen her entire body. I haven't seen her naked - not sure if that's what you're asking - but I have seen her in a tank top and underwear. I haven't really seen her apartment. Just her bedroom (wall) and living room (couch & wall). What are you on to with that? She has texted me sometimes when someone is scaring her (like just standing behind her in a grocery line or seems to be following her). She rarely goes out because she is scared around other people - not just me. She mentioned that when she goes grocery shopping she only goes after midnight because no one is there really, she parks in the closest spot then runs in. She doesn't have many friends either. All of the ones she does have she's had forever. I can even see this in her FB pictures. She has pictures with the same [4] people since 2007 - which is when she made a FB.
TheZebra Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I have talked to a couple of her friends on FB and via text. It was at the beginning of the "relationship" when I was trying to understand her more. She doesn't know about this - if she does she hasn't mentioned it. I've seen her entire body. I haven't seen her naked - not sure if that's what you're asking - but I have seen her in a tank top and underwear. I haven't really seen her apartment. Just her bedroom (wall) and living room (couch & wall). What are you on to with that? She has texted me sometimes when someone is scaring her (like just standing behind her in a grocery line or seems to be following her). She rarely goes out because she is scared around other people - not just me. She mentioned that when she goes grocery shopping she only goes after midnight because no one is there really, she parks in the closest spot then runs in. She doesn't have many friends either. All of the ones she does have she's had forever. I can even see this in her FB pictures. She has pictures with the same [4] people since 2007 - which is when she made a FB. And how are you going to have a relationship with someone who seems terrified of other people and being in social situations? I'm not saying she has to be a party animal, but given how you're normal, are you going to give up doing things like going to the movies, bars, restaurants because she's uncomfortable? What about vacations? Road trips? Anything outside her apartment? I'm sorry, but I've 'been there, done that' in terms of changing my routine for another person. You think it's worth it, you do your best, and when it doesn't work out you'll resent the time you spent trying so hard.
outsidethebox Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 In my opinion you two should forget the meeting in public thing. Meet at her front door with the door ajar on a chain. Bring your phone and just text with her. Talk but as accessories to your texting. Tell her you can do it until you have to go take a break and get a cup of coffee anyway. If she's unwilling to talk to you through the door she's playing you. Deal with it. Well depending on how good she looks in the tank top and underwear. 1
LostGirl11 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 She won't meet. She's more than happy with texting. It's a habbit now. Happy texting.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Watch MTV show CatFish. Something weird is going on here.
BrokenPrincess Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Yeah I was wondering if she was trying to hide something...with her appearance or in her apt (like hoarding issues?) It sounds like she has a very, very deep rooted mental problem. I wonder if she is truly a virgin or did she suffer some type of trauma or abuse. It just seems way over the top for someone to just develop without anything provoking it. If she doesn't want to tell you her address, would she consider meeting for coffee but initially sitting at separate tables texting until she's comfortable to join you? If not, I think you have done all you can. Don't waste any more of your youth on someone who's not ready or willing to start conquering her fears.
gaius Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) She rarely goes out because she is scared around other people - not just me. But she goes out when she has to....... If she has a car she has to go to the DMV and get things taken care of. Get it inspected. Be around people. It seems like whenever she really has to go out she finds the courage. Which means she's kind of bull****ting you about not meeting. It's what she really wants. She could pull through it if a physical relationship was something she desired. Like bread and milk at the store. There are some women who just aren't into the physical aspects of a relationship. They usually end up dating convicts though. It can be hard to keep a guy who's not locked up interested this long. She must be very charming. Edited January 12, 2013 by gaius
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