skylark100 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 So i have been chatting with a girl online for a while. We initially wanted to meet up, and I was ok with it. though the conversation was never that great, didn't feel a huge connection, but was willing to give it a shot. Since then, she has said some stuff which was just made me rethink everything. She hasn't brought up the fact I havent made plans either. Is there is nice way to say - sorry just not interested anymore? Because that's pretty much what I am going to say, unless someone has a better idea.
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Sometimes there is no easy way round something... and perhaps being up-front, honest and direct, is the ONLY way. But do tell her this as well. be honest and explain that you'd rather be honest, not mess with her feelings or disrespect her input..... Maybe..?
texasisforlovers Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I think that if she brings up meeting again, you should be honest and upfront and just tell her how you feel. That you're not really feeling it anymore, and don't think meeting would be the best idea. It'll hurt. Trust me, I've been on that side. But I've always appreciated being told the truth, than a guy just disappearing or making excuses over and over again.
sid3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 It'll hurt You don't know that. You assume she is interested.
texasisforlovers Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 You're right. I am just assuming. From the way he said "he's just not interested, anymore", I guessed that they were feeling it out to see if they liked each other. If she doesn't have feelings for you, then she might not care. If she does, then she'll prob feel hurt. Just speaking from my own experiences. Either way, be honest.
MrCastle Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Just stop talking to her. You're not so deep in the relationship that you owe her an explanation. Just fade out.
edgygirl Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Don't fade out. It's much better to let her know and it's the manly thing to do. It feels much better on the receiving end. I wish everyone was sensible like you, it would make dating less hellish.
MrCastle Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Don't fade out. It's much better to let her know and it's the manly thing to do. It feels much better on the receiving end. I wish everyone was sensible like you, it would make dating less hellish. Nice dig, but masculinity is not defined by how you decide to stop talking to a girl you barely know. If this was a girlfriend or someone he was dating even semi-seriously I could understand. Not someone who is not much more than a stranger at this point. If I read correctly, they have not even met in person yet.
Star Gazer Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Nice dig, but masculinity is not defined by how you decide to stop talking to a girl you barely know. If this was a girlfriend or someone he was dating even semi-seriously I could understand. Not someone who is not much more than a stranger at this point. If I read correctly, they have not even met in person yet. How you treat every human being on the planet in part defines who you are. 2
carhill Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Is there is nice way to say - sorry just not interested anymore? I think you said it pretty well
serial muse Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 So i have been chatting with a girl online for a while. We initially wanted to meet up, and I was ok with it. though the conversation was never that great, didn't feel a huge connection, but was willing to give it a shot. Since then, she has said some stuff which was just made me rethink everything. She hasn't brought up the fact I havent made plans either. Is there is nice way to say - sorry just not interested anymore? Because that's pretty much what I am going to say, unless someone has a better idea. I think you should go with your instincts on this - they're fine: It's perfectly nice to say "I'm sorry, I just don't think this is going to work out" and leave it at that. If it were one conversation, I might agree that it's fine to just fade out. But if you've been chatting a while, as you say you have, and have floated the idea of meeting up with each other, I don't see any reason not to do the direct thing and just let her know you've reached the end of the road and wish her luck in her search, etc. 1
MrCastle Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 How you treat every human being on the planet in part defines who you are. So it's wrong to just drift away from someone you barely know and instead come out and tell them "sorry but I'm not really interested in you" I prefer to spare feelings when I can. There has been no commitment made in this relationship. He hasn't met her. It's not like they've been dating for a while and he owes her an explanation. He can go his separate way, she can go hers, and no one has to get hurt.
Fondue Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 DO what that woman, Eternal Sunshine or whatever, does. Fade out. It seemed like the women of this forum really preferred that method of rejecting men. 1
edgygirl Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I prefer to spare feelings when I can. There has been no commitment made in this relationship. He hasn't met her. It's not like they've been dating for a while and he owes her an explanation. He can go his separate way, she can go hers, and no one has to get hurt. And how is pulling the disappearing act "sparing feelings"? If someone tells the other "I'm sorry but I am not feeling it", it's fair and civil enough and IMHO they are being a gentleman/a good girl as they are not leaving the other in the dark which feels terrible. I'm sorry but pulling the disappearing act when you've been talking with someone for a while is what moat of us would call... being a jerk.
MrCastle Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 And how is pulling the disappearing act "sparing feelings"? If someone tells the other "I'm sorry but I am not feeling it", it's fair and civil enough and IMHO they are being a gentleman/a good girl as they are not leaving the other in the dark which feels terrible. I'm sorry but pulling the disappearing act when you've been talking with someone for a while is what moat of us would call... being a jerk. Because that doesn't happen the majority of the time. ES had a huge thread last week about this very topic, with most women agreeing fade out is best because a lot of men get snarky when rejected openly. It's not "oh ok, I understand, take care" It's usually "why?", "what did I do wrong?", "wow you didn't even give me a chance", "lol you're ugly anyway, you did me a favor", etc etc Both sexes handle rejection poorly a lot of the time. At least fading drives the point home without messiness. "Oh she hasn't texted me in 2 weeks. Guess we're done".
edgygirl Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I can't remember if ES was talking about a guy who writes you for the first time and you don't respond - in which case I agree that keeping quiet is the best, no messiness needed. But if you've been talking for a while as it seems to be OP's case, I think it's more human and polite to just put it out there. Otherwise it makes us barbarians who don't care about other people's feelings. I hate it when the talk is great and people disappear with no explanation. Would you like someone you know doing it to you? How is it different with someone you don't know that well? This kind of thing just makes me believe less in humanity. It's what makes dating a nightmare - the lack of kindness, not the rejections per se. 1
Fondue Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/365547-why-women-prefer-not-reject-men-clearly She talks about ignoring men after multiple DATES. Not just one messaged. ANd it looks like quite a few women agreed with her on this practice, too. 1
MrCastle Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I can't remember if ES was talking about a guy who writes you for the first time and you don't respond - in which case I agree that keeping quiet is the best, no messiness needed. But if you've been talking for a while as it seems to be OP's case, I think it's more human and polite to just put it out there. Otherwise it makes us barbarians who don't care about other people's feelings. I hate it when the talk is great and people disappear with no explanation. Would you like someone you know doing it to you? How is it different with someone you don't know that well? This kind of thing just makes me believe less in humanity. It's what makes dating a nightmare - the lack of kindness, not the rejections per se. Believe less in humanity? Haha, let's dial back the drama just a little bit. I'm drifting away from a girl I never met in person. Not sleeping with her and eating her corpse afterwards. I'm not a monster for what I do, and have had it done to me. People just drift apart sometimes. You don't need to have everything spelled out for you, just read between the lines. If I haven't heard from a girl in 2 weeks, I'm not crying in a corner wondering what became of us, I realize, she wasn't into me, it is what it is, time to move on. 1
edgygirl Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 What I'm arguing is it just feels better in the receiving end to hear why. Call it drama or whatever but those of us who take dating seriously and are looking for a LTR get more and more distraught by stupid disappearing acts. Maybe you can't understand it because you multiple-date and I assume you don't care if you "lose" one or two. Your choice, but understand that it affects people who are trying to take someone (they saw potential in) seriously. I think that's much more "hurt feelings" than telling them and moving on.
Author skylark100 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Fading out is not an option, because I don't like it. Its happened to me, and shows no class at all. Hence why I wanted to know the most graceful way to do it. Fading out is cowardly. I haven't met her, but she has invested time to get to know me, even if it's only through correspondance, which means that somewhere along the way there may have been an interest on her part, which I think is very much still there. She deserves a straight answer. Sorry for stepping up to the plate but there are too many flakes in this world. 1
edgygirl Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Fading out is not an option, because I don't like it. Its happened to me, and shows no class at all. Hence why I wanted to know the most graceful way to do it. Fading out is cowardly. I haven't met her, but she has invested time to get to know me, even if it's only through correspondance, which means that somewhere along the way there may have been an interest on her part, which I think is very much still there. She deserves a straight answer. Sorry for stepping up to the plate but there are too many flakes in this world. You're a great guy! If only everyone acted like this in the dating world things would be less painful and sad. Cuddos to you. However you word it, I feel she will still know you're an awesome guy and that unfortunately it wasn't supposed to be. We can tell good guys from players. Good luck and keep spreading the word on how to be a gentleman at LS! 1
MrCastle Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Fading out is not an option, because I don't like it. Its happened to me, and shows no class at all. Hence why I wanted to know the most graceful way to do it. Fading out is cowardly. I haven't met her, but she has invested time to get to know me, even if it's only through correspondance, which means that somewhere along the way there may have been an interest on her part, which I think is very much still there. She deserves a straight answer. Sorry for stepping up to the plate but there are too many flakes in this world. No. It isn't. We all have ways of both handling rejection and dishing it out. Most people may say they want a straight answer but when you look at real life examples, that's not the case. Those kind of answers are finite. "I'm not interested and here's why"--whereas when you fade, the person can fill the blanks as they see fit. People do not want to hear that others aren't attracted to them. They just don't. You don't have to look very far, look at all the threads on here about OLD and the kind of messages women get when they think they're doing the right thing by telling a guy no thanks. It's usually not pretty. Like I said, not everything needs to be spelled out and explained. People will get the hint when they judge by your actions.
scratch Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 She hasn't brought up the fact I havent made plans either. Is there is nice way to say - sorry just not interested anymore? Any general comment will do - "I've given it some thought, and think we're not quite right for each other." If you mostly just text or email, that's an easy one to send. Second, just accept the fact that she may be a bit rude to you. You know that she's not mad at anything you actually did, but simply venting her anger at the fact you don't like her. So, just allow her the catharsis and move on. Read TigressA's breakup thread; try not to laugh when you see how everyone tries to nitpick his actions, clueless to the reality that none would have been a big deal if he didn't dump her. I can't remember if ES was talking about a guy who writes you for the first time and you don't respond - in which case I agree that keeping quiet is the best, no messiness needed. I hate it when the talk is great and people disappear with no explanation. Would you like someone you know doing it to you? How is it different with someone you don't know that well? This kind of thing just makes me believe less in humanity. It's what makes dating a nightmare - the lack of kindness, not the rejections per se. One of the great things about a messageboard is that you don't have to remember. You can spend 30 seconds and read that she said "4 dates or less." Unless, of course, you're just claiming not to remember because the facts don't support your argument. I really hope the people who were in favor of the disappearing act in that thread post a consistent message in this thread. My suspicion is that they won't; in fact, the biggest shortcoming of this website is that men and women only tend to empathize with members of the same sex. When a woman disappears, the men think she's cowardly and the women think she's being wise and cautious. When a man disappears, the men think he's bowing out gracefully and the women think he's being a jerk. 1
Fondue Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I really hope the people who were in favor of the disappearing act in that thread post a consistent message in this thread. My suspicion is that they won't; in fact, the biggest shortcoming of this website is that men and women only tend to empathize with members of the same sex. When a woman disappears, the men think she's cowardly and the women think she's being wise and cautious. When a man disappears, the men think he's bowing out gracefully and the women think he's being a jerk. Quite possibly the smartest thing I had ever read on LS.
MrCastle Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Any general comment will do - "I've given it some thought, and think we're not quite right for each other." If you mostly just text or email, that's an easy one to send. Second, just accept the fact that she may be a bit rude to you. You know that she's not mad at anything you actually did, but simply venting her anger at the fact you don't like her. So, just allow her the catharsis and move on. Read TigressA's breakup thread; try not to laugh when you see how everyone tries to nitpick his actions, clueless to the reality that none would have been a big deal if he didn't dump her. One of the great things about a messageboard is that you don't have to remember. You can spend 30 seconds and read that she said "4 dates or less." Unless, of course, you're just claiming not to remember because the facts don't support your argument. I really hope the people who were in favor of the disappearing act in that thread post a consistent message in this thread. My suspicion is that they won't; in fact, the biggest shortcoming of this website is that men and women only tend to empathize with members of the same sex. When a woman disappears, the men think she's cowardly and the women think she's being wise and cautious. When a man disappears, the men think he's bowing out gracefully and the women think he's being a jerk. Your level of IQ and ability to reason are not welcomed on this forum. Go away.
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