Boyfriend broke up with me out of left field over the weekend

January 11, 2013

I had been dating this guy for the past 6 months. Everything was going extremely well until he went home for Christmas. This past month he went out of his way to get me a fantastic birthday present even checking with some of my girlfriends to make sure he was getting the perfect gift. He made me dinner and a cake and it was amazing. Then he had to go out of town to work and then he went home for Christmas. While he was away he sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers with a really nice note saying Merry Christmas, I love you I can't wait to spend the NEW YEAR with you. Then he had to go back to work for a few days in another state and he went out and got drunk with co-workers and one was an extremely attractive girl.

So he ended up coming home and he told me how much he had missed me, was lucky to have me, how he turned down a job opportunity to stay with me. We exchanged Christmas gifts and he had bought us a trip across the country for a few months away. The Card was extremely sweet saying Merry 1st Christmas together I thought this year we should do something fun together.

He was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend in August and then in October after he took me to meet his family he told me he loved me that's our background. Everything has been incredibly great we haven't had any problems.

last Thursday prior to the BU he added a girl the out of state co-worker to his facebook who had accidently friended then unfriended me. She was liking everything on his page and everything else it was weird. So I asked him about it Thursday night and he basically was like you worry too much I don't want to be with her I love you etc. and basically said we were fine.

Friday morning he calls me and tells me how he can't wait to see me over the weekend and is looking forward to spending the weekend with me.

This Saturday morning I get to his apartment and he sits me down and is like I haven't been happy in this relationship for the past month. I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you. (classic right) I was completely stunned this came out of nowhere. So I was able to talk him into just taking a break and seeing if in a month's time if we can meet up and see if we'd like to try again. He also told me he talked to his Dad about the relationship over Xmas and his Dad was like if you're not sure if you're in love with her in six months then you shouldn't waste her time. His father is the worst person to get advice from- he cheated on his mom for a decade then married the mistress and a completely emotionally unavailable guy.

This guy's behavior towards me - you could tell he was in love with me, everyone who knew us would tell me he was crazy about me, how much he cared about me- if this was an act then he deserves an Oscar- because he had me completely fooled. Why book a trip 3 months away, why send me flowers talking about spending the new years together. It has blown my mind.

He has basically said to me I want time to be by myself right now. and I'm not sure if I will ever be in love with you. There is no doubt in my mind this guy is not telling the truth he was in love with me.

I'm going to give him the month (he told me not to keep my hopes up- but he said maybe absence would make the heart grow fonder)

He had a NYE party at his house and one of his co-workers this older guy going through a divorce hit on me and I ignored it- (this guy is getting divorced from his wife because he never loved her- sound familiar) He and my EX had been talking about this together. My EX had given him my phone number to do some work for him and he never contacted me until the Sunday after my EX broke up with me he sent me a long text basically saying he was here for me if I needed a shoulder to cry on. I never responded he also called me on Wednesday night I didn't answer. (This guy apparently had motivates to get my BF to break up with me)

My Ex changed his FB status to nothing on Sunday so I followed suit (is that maybe better then single)

I also broke down yesterday and broke NC and sent him a text saying I miss you- which he read but never responded to!)

Any insight is appreciated- this was completely out of left field- why buy us a trip, why do these things it makes zero sense whatsoever. I'm incredibly confused. Even on Friday he was talking to me about how he couldn't wait to see me. I don't get it! Do you think he will want to work things out in a month? I'm not planning on contacting him at all- I'm going to pretend he's dead I guess and maybe it will make him realize what he lost?

January 11, 2013

Maybe he WANTED to feel that "in love" feeling with you but never did. If there's one thing I've learned is that some guys are excellent at going through the motions while never really feeling that connection.

His father may be a horrible person to take advice from but what he said was correct. If this guy doesn't feel like he's going to love you at 6 months in, the right thing to do is let you go. You don't need to be with someone who's unsure if he'll ever feel that way for you. He may care for you a great deal, like you as a person, but if that romantic love isn't there, you can't force it.

I really wouldn't even give this guy a month either. He flat out told you he's not in love with you, doesn't even know if he ever will be, and said don't get your hopes up. It really does suck, but at the end of the day it was an extremely short relationship. At least you don't have years invested with this person.

Dust yourself off and get back out there. You should want to be with someone who's absolutely crazy about you. Not someone who tells you they aren't in love with you and isn't sure he ever will be.

Or MAYBE... he did something with this coworker that he isn't too proud of... and that's why his attitude and behavior did a sharp 180.

January 11, 2013

I don't really believe he wasn't in love with me. He told everyone he could how crazy he was about me, how in love he was with me. I think the whole I love you but I'm not in love with you is a cop out excuse.

I don't feel like he could have faked it. He was incredibly sincere and everything else.

We have a lot of mutual friends right now. We'd go out with them and every single person would come up to me and be like that guy looks at you with so much love and adoration you're so lucky.

I've been talking to one of our mutual friends just trying to wrap my head around this 180. He basically told me he thinks my guy is confused, that we seemed fantastic on NYE, and basically just to give it time but not too much time- he thinks he's overwhelmed with work and relationship stuff.

January 11, 2013

He may have been "in love" with you but in a very shallow sense. I agree with Katz that some men can go through the motions even without actually feeling but I will say that he loved you "in his own way" but not the kind of love that runs deep enough to take it to the next level. It left as fast as it came. The capability to go deeper wasn't there and some thrive off those "honeymoon" feelings and run with it faster than they can process it. Then they burn out and die.

Reading your story, my ex comes to mind. In the first six months, he lavished me with attention. He even hand made his cards and wrote his own poems. Bought me gifts. We went on two vacations. Valentines day he showed up at my door with three dozen roses, bought a vase and walked into my kitchen and started arranging flowers. I just stood there stunned. They're "in the moment", feeling that rush as my ex told me when we broke up. Fast to rise, quick to fade as he put it.

I would suggest you cut your losses and let go. I would not give him a month to feel if he misses you or wants the relationship or not. If after 6 months he has to think about whether he wants you, bad sign. Mine took a 3 month break, and all through kept breaking contact telling me how much we would be together soon and when the time came, he freaked and backed out.

Edited January 11, 2013 by geegirl

January 11, 2013

My ex comes to mind as well. I had a relationship just like yours. My ex pretty much acted like I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Bragged to people about me. Boasted about me to his family and friends. Everyone that knew us knew us as the affectionate couple, the ones always acting in love when everyone else was being stupid and fighting. One time we went out and we weren't sitting next to each other and someone said, "I feel like you guys are fighting!" merely because we weren't near each other.

Unfortunately the same person that acted this way, cheated on me. Lied to me constantly. Put on a nice little act for me, for his family, for his friends. Geegirl used a word I need to highly emphasize. "Shallow"

If there is one word I can use to describe my ex, it's superficial. He loved me on an extremely superficial level. It took me a few months to actually realize just how superficial we really were. We were the lovey couple, affectionate, had a great time together... but there was no DEPTH. We weren't the couple having conversations about where we wanted life to go. We never really communicated period, but because we were in perpetual "honeymoon" phase, I never even noticed this. It was only towards the end where things got really bad after I discovered infidelity and his lies did I realize just how incapable we were at being a couple. We couldn't talk through issues, or even get through a single problem. Again, superficial. He would ignore it, ignore me, and come back days later acting as if nothing happened.

It's why my ex had no problem throwing out an almost 3 year long relationship, and moving right on to the next. His feelings never hit that deeper feeling. He loved me as much as he knew how, which isn't the amount at which other people feel love. Superficial. Even though he acted like he was so in love. Did all the right things. Said the right things. Deep down, it was a different story.

January 11, 2013

I have to add as well, that while he thought I was The One, he also ended up cheating on me. Sadly, I only knew about the cheating during the R, after the break-up when two women contacted me via FB.

January 11, 2013

I think for me- I was in a long term relationship with someone for 8 years- I could always see the problems coming.

I've never had anyone buy me a trip for Christmas for the middle of March, call me up before he's going to see me and tell me how much he loves me can't wait to see me and then the next day be like peace out. It's so weird. I just don't get it. It was so sudden- no indication nothing.

And the stupid girl inside me wants him back. I will do anything to get him back. I thought he was the one. We were compatible on every level. I even asked him if he saw me only as a friend why did he sleep with me multiple times when he came back from being with his family. He was like well I'm attracted to you.

I don't understand why this guy even bothered to give me this trip as a Christmas present if he was planning on ending it. He could have said he accidentally left the gift back home I'll get it to you or something. I think it's a pretty callous thing to do- which is why I think this was a spur of the moment thing for him. I don't think when he left to go home for Christmas that he had any intention on breaking up with me when he came home.

I know that this relationship is broken now- but I want to be with this guy in the future and I'm trying the NC thing out and see if maybe it will work. He did say to me maybe absence would make the heart grow founder.

January 11, 2013

You can't compare an eight year relationship to a 6 month relationship. People are at their best behavior, hence it's caled the honeymoon period. You have your best face forward. Once that fades, you get down to the meat and bones of working at a relationship, and the bad and the good come through and you work at it because a relationship of that length takes a lot of hard work to maintain. Six months is too short a time for "problems" to surface.

My ex bought a house to move closer to me so that we could be together. I was renting and he was buying and I was supposed to move in when my lease was up. How's that for commitment! He still llives down the street from me.

I understand wanting him back. You miss all that could have been. But you can't build a relationship on inconsistencies because you'll never be able to have a stable enough relationship.

Asking him why he slept with you? A man will sleep with you even if he knows you're on a different side of the coin. He was attracted to you. He doesn't have to love you to sleep with you. Attraction is good enough. They're not thinking about your feelings or where this is going for the long term. It's about THE NOW. Hence, a shallow sense of love.

"He did say to me maybe absence would make the heart grow fonder."

It's such a sad statement and ever sadder when you hold on to a man that has to keep distance between you in order to determine if he can love you. You have to aim higher and seek better. This is how you break your sense of self. You sit back and wait for someone to determine your value. Two people should be coming together and getting closer, loving stronger. They don't use distance to grow love. They don't use distance to figure out if you are worthy of their love.

January 11, 2013

Asking him why he slept with you? A man will sleep with you even if he knows you're on a different side of the coin. He was attracted to you. He doesn't have to love you to sleep with you. Attraction is good enough. They're not thinking about your feelings or where this is going for the long term. It's about THE NOW. Hence, a shallow sense of love.

My ex was sleeping with me 2 days before he dumped me. Guys will have sex with an attractive woman. Sex does not equal love for a guy. Not even a little bit.

My ex never cared about the long term all he cared about was getting what he needed at that specific point. He didn't care that he wasted my time for almost 3 years. He didn't care that he never saw a future with me but stayed with me leading me to believe we'd get engaged.

Trust me, you don't want this person back. Right now since it's fresh you think you do want him back in the future... give it a few weeks, to a couple months. You won't want him at all.

January 11, 2013

"He did say to me maybe absence would make the heart grow fonder."

It's such a sad statement and ever sadder when you hold on to a man that has to keep distance between you in order to determine if he can love you. You have to aim higher and seek better. This is how you break your sense of self. You sit back and wait for someone to determine your value. Two people should be coming together and getting closer, loving stronger. They don't use distance to grow love. They don't use distance to figure out if you are worthy of their love.

^^^ pay very close attention to this.

January 11, 2013

I somehow feel your relationship got rushed, and that caused him to burn through his flame quicker, making him confussed and unhappy. You can't say nonstop "I love you" in 6months time.

Because the other two repliers went through this thing (that looks similar) also doesn't mean your situation is the same. If you do not hear from him after a month, best thing to do is to move on and forget about him, as much as it hurts to hear. He sounds confussed and scared. Rushing a relationship is bad in those early stages and he prob was afraid of commitment happening and he wasn't ready to take that step. Men often need time/space to think things through so I would say wait the month off.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago, madly in love aswell, even bought airplane ticket to see me (ldr) month before it. After exam and two weeks before he'd meet he breaks off saying his feelings gradually went away over two months, that he was happier when I wasn't around, but was free to change his feelings and that if he regrets he'd say so.

I am by no means saying my situation is same as he did distance himself more and more, still saying he loved me. He was hurt breaking up and was getting drunkish. I haven't heard from him in three weeks, still want him back because we were friends for almost a year and I miss him dearly...

Either he fell out of love with you but tried to denie it...

Or he got scared/confussed by the rushing.

My relationship was also 6months, but he had crush on me for five months, I still hope he regrets it...something must have caused his feelings to go down, I only hope with time/space he'll find it again but I know it won't. :'(

January 11, 2013

I would love to put my EX in the same category as most guys but truth be told he's not.

When we first got together within the first month I wanted to sleep with him and we were going to but he couldn't- he told me I like you too much, and I'm nervous I can't do this right now. He even asked a buddy why he felt that way and his friend was like it's cause you have serious feelings for her.

He and I both don't sleep around we both take sex as something special that you only do with people you truly care about.

The relationship may have been rushed- I just know he asked me to be his girlfriend the end of August and he said he loved me first in October after taking me home to meet his parents. I just don't understand what happened.

January 11, 2013

I would love to put my EX in the same category as most guys but truth be told he's not.

When we first got together within the first month I wanted to sleep with him and we were going to but he couldn't- he told me I like you too much, and I'm nervous I can't do this right now. He even asked a buddy why he felt that way and his friend was like it's cause you have serious feelings for her.

He and I both don't sleep around we both take sex as something special that you only do with people you truly care about.

The relationship may have been rushed- I just know he asked me to be his girlfriend the end of August and he said he loved me first in October after taking me home to meet his parents. I just don't understand what happened.

Get out of that thinking that your guy is different. It's not the exception but the rule, especially when you have blaring signs ahead of you. When you do this, you romanticize and idealize the person and the relationship, and that causes you to deny what's infront of you.

My ex didn't want to sleep with me either. We hung out for four months and he resisted. I asked him after the break-up, why he waited. He said, "Because I know how I am in relationships, I knew that there was a possibility that I could hurt you." He tried to stay away. But he couldn't as he was also "attracted" to me.

It's hard to understand because you're trying to decipher from your right and wrong. What's not the norm for you seems so abnormal so you fight it because it can't possibly be anything other than how you believe it to be.

You will have to go through the motions on your own to figure this out in your own time. But please, don't put your life on hold for a man to choose you.

His actions don't match his words. Bear that in mind, for now and for future relationships.

Edited January 11, 2013 by geegirl

January 11, 2013

Sorry this is hard to hear but maybe he was falling out of love with you and he wanted to try get back to that love he had before? So he did all these things to try but in the end it just wasnt going the way he wanted it to go. His feelings just wasnt there anymore.

if u get back with him it might happen again cause he might get back because he feels guilty. It's 6 months. Much better than a year + breakup. Save yourself the pain

January 11, 2013

Sorry this is hard to hear but maybe he was falling out of love with you and he wanted to try get back to that love he had before? So he did all these things to try but in the end it just wasnt going the way he wanted it to go. His feelings just wasnt there anymore.

if u get back with him it might happen again cause he might get back because he feels guilty. It's 6 months. Much better than a year + breakup. Save yourself the pain

I think so too... Mine did atleast, even went to buy airplane ticket still to visit me...but in december he grew distance (I thought uni exams) but I realise now he was distancing himself from me...

I was shocked he said his feelings gradually disappeared, I don't understand why they don't talk with us about it... Love isn't only feelings. We were each others best friends...now we lost one another... I still hope his feelings for me return after space/time... He said it hurted him to say those things.

I guess your guy was different, he could put up quite a act showing no signs. It prob was out of blue for you, but might have been on his mind for weeks for him.

January 12, 2013

Even when they are thinking about ending it. Because their mind isn't made up yet so it's business as usual whilst they take their sweet time. My ex let me buy £150 of theatre tickets on the fri - and ended it all for good on the sat.

Anyone fancy the theatre?!

January 15, 2013

Guys can send you flowers, tell people how crazy they are about you, and DO all those nice things for you.

but you know, plenty of guys who are crazily in love do not need to be obviously romantic......

Being in love does not require flowers, spoiling you with attention and compliments, or being super romantic and telling you how much they want to see you.

Look, not everyone can fall in love with every one; falling in love requires something that you cannot control.

Falling in love does not happen to all couples; you can be the most attractive and wonderful women, and yet not get a guy to fall in love with you!

............... Please know, that this guy could have it in him to fall in love with a lesser attractive, more boring women than you - do you know why? Because the raw ingredients are just "there".

Love is like having all the ingredients in a cake recipe: many men grow to love the company and companionship of a women, without having all the ingredients to love them... The women can be stunning, funny, and everything he wants in a women; but lack all the ingredients that is required to fall in love!

January 15, 2013

I am really sorry that you were really enjoying all the flowers and attention he gave you, it must have made you feel wonderful to feel so loved; and for it to come crashing down is terrible for you, you would be devastated.

I hope you have learnt from this awful experience, a very important lesson.

I KNOW you do not want to listen to us, when we tell you about how true love cannot be FORCED to happen.........

He cannot MAKE himself fall IN love with you, even if he REALLY really likes you.

PLEASE at least listen to us all! We KNOW what we are talking about! This guy sounds like he got attached to you and WANTED to fall in love, but just couldnt.

January 15, 2013

My partner and I are in love and crazy about each other, but he never went and brought heaps of flowers for me, or went and talked to everyone about how great I was....

Those who know him best can see he is really in love, yet when my boyfriend is in front of his friends he is too embarrassed to say " bye, I love you" when he is on the phone to me.

Yet those who know him best can see he clearly loves me.

....The only lovey thing my bf has said to his mates about me, that I have been told, was when we were blind drunk and I got out of the car we were all in, took my clothes off, and ran around.

He said to them " aww she is cute. She makes me happy"

NOT all guys have grand romantic actions to show you, and the ones who do go over the top do not always possess true love for their partner.

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Boyfriend broke up with me out of left field over the weekend

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