Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I wonder how that one on one relationship would look without those hoops.... It would look great. That is the whole problem. 2
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I can now scratch you off the "be worried about list" Phew! I wouldn't want you to pass up the opportunity I so thoughtfully provided you
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 The urge to say "eff it, let's do it" is ever present, but there are 6 kids involved. 1
woinlove Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Loredo, as LFH said, OM can't give you the answers you seek unless he is the OM you were involved with. However, as you may see from MM answers, some men are able to compartmentalize so that the A is separate from the rest of their lives. If you then try to understand this in the greater context of a whole person who has a marriage, possibly children, a family, friends, career and a secret lover, it isn't going to make sense because the OM doesn't connect all those facets of his life together, the A is compartmentalized. 3
wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 LFH, I am SUPER glad you came back! I mean, I am a newbie here, but your advice and stories have always struck something with me. I hope the place stays civil enough for you to stay! your thoughts are much appreciated on my end! So Thanks! I agree with LFH being back.* She gives a different look inside As,* one that if I had started posting a year ago while still in my A as opposed to after the 2nd d-day, I would've said lots of the same things she says.* Of course no one has to agree or disagree with her,* its HER A, and her feelings. * and also,* the OM on here that are still in As,* are for the most part Happy OM,* and no one really knows how their As will end (or if they will) so theres no way right now they really know what they'd say or do if a d-day happened.* Hopefully for their OW, they would say goodbye,* they would give the closure, or maybe they will just disappear.* I used to think about how things would be different if xMM would've talked to me after d-day,* but once again,* there's nothing he could say to me to "make up" for how he treated me in the end,* and its not like I could ever be friends with him anyway. * * Loredo21 I know its easier for me to say it because I'm past it (or pretty much),* but getting closure, or a* good-bye, or anything from xMM who left you high and dry when the A was exposed is probably something you'll have to accept you'll never get, and you know what,* in time, you won't need it.* For a couple months I couldn't figure out how I'd ever get over xMM,* time passed and today,* I AM over him.* He showed me all I needed to by NC.* 1
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 The mating habits of humans are not magical or special. We are another member of the animal kingdom and our mating behavior is easy to study and describe. There is no mystery to this. Mating habits may very well be easy to disect from a base point of view. But, and is is large but, we cannnot pretend to formulate a hypothesis around something that has individual factors mixed in. You can sit here all day and say, "yep this scenario fits within my understanding of what is going on with the human psyche"; but it does not mean anything until you take into account the individuals involved, because they are all different.
flattened Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I think my xOW is a really amazing, special person. Even though she was willing to engage in an affair with me. Even though she dumped me in the end. Whatever I had to offer wasn't enough for her, and that's sad to me. And no, I am not stuck in a fog, I can see all the bad aspects of her and the way she treated me too. I have no idea where our relationship would have gone outside of an affair, but I would certainly have done everything in my power to make it happen. That said (and this is maybe off-topic), it's still hard to break up a marriage and leave. I love my kids. I want the best for them. Destroying their family and hurting their mother is certainly not the best for them. From day one I struggled with the thought that pursuing happiness for me in that fashion would bring unhappiness to others. As well, I care about my wife. We shared a sizeable part of life together. We brought kids into the world. We made a home. And then I fell in love with someone else and I'd rather be with her. How do you break that to someone you care about? How does that not colour everything you think about yourself, and the relationship you have and want to have with the AP? Sorry for the digression. I got stuck in limbo for a long time trying to figure out how to leave, even though I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted my OW. Well, then she became the xOW, and that made it even harder to get out of limbo. Now I'm breaking up the family and hurting everyone, and there isn't even the possibility of personal happiness to balance that. Just destruction. It's not the case in my situation, but I can see that the OW could wonder about the evil MM saying things and not following up with actions that match, and think he's just scum after NC is instituted. Whatever, I'll only ever think fondly and wistfully of the xOW. 1
herenow Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Mating habits may very well be easy to disect from a base point of view. But, and is is large but, we cannnot pretend to formulate a hypothesis around something that has individual factors mixed in. You can sit here all day and say, "yep this scenario fits within my understanding of what is going on with the human psyche"; but it does not mean anything until you take into account the individuals involved, because they are all different. True, but there are some facts about affairs that cannot be disputed. Assuming we consider an affair to be a married (or two married) person/s have an intimate relationship without their spouse having the knowledge of said relationship. Also with the assumption that there is no agreement of an open marriage. So, having defined why I consider to be an affair, one must admit that the MM or MW engaged in the relationship is being deceitful to his or her spouse. Either lying outright or lying by omission of fact. So, why is it so hard to believe that the "lines" mentioned earlier in this thread to the AP could be lies too? Not always, but in many cases a married person is just as likely to lie to the AP. It's just simple logic. I can't tell you how many threads I have seen written by OW heartbroken that their "soulmate" as thrown them under the bus. When you read about it time after time, it's hard not to believe it's just a line. 1
Catplates Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 By your reasoning, Pierre, we should just ignore it when someone says "I love you." I think you should not discount Pierre out of hand. I feel he is always fair. As tend to follow a pattern, with different characters. He has a back story and a life time of experiences that most others probably don't. As they say "you can't put an old head on young shoulders". Just my opinion...by the way my head is OLD and so are the shoulders. Cat 2
Catplates Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but maybe I do. I mean that I miss having that human connection with someone like I did while in the A. I'm going on 6 months NC after d-day. sooooo i think i know where i stand. Everybody likes to have a close human connection... that is sometimes why affairs are so tempting. It makes me sad that I no longer have a close relationship with anybody, but that's the way my life has eventuated. Cat 1
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I think you should not discount Pierre out of hand. I feel he is always fair. As tend to follow a pattern, with different characters. He has a back story and a life time of experiences that most others probably don't. As they say "you can't put an old head on young shoulders". Just my opinion...by the way my head is OLD and so are the shoulders. Cat I'm not discounting Pierre at all, it just seems as though he chooses to discount the human element to each situation. It doesn't mean they all fit into some pre-desribed box that he likes to neatly fit them within. Edited January 11, 2013 by Realist3 1
ow9 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 So, of course, (as with many OW, I’m sure), I’ve been on this thread like a HAWK.* Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross my exMM’s mind, and then I laugh for even wondering if I do.* Of course I do, I’m the s***. But I have to say, it has been MUCH easier getting through the past months of NC hoping he DOESN’T think of me.* Hearing some of these MM say they still love their exOW, to be honest, is truly killing me… * 2
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 So, of course, (as with many OW, I’m sure), I’ve been on this thread like a HAWK.* Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross my exMM’s mind, and then I laugh for even wondering if I do.* Of course I do, I’m the s***. But I have to say, it has been MUCH easier getting through the past months of NC hoping he DOESN’T think of me.* Hearing some of these MM say they still love their exOW, to be honest, is truly killing me… * I always think of that quote! haha. I'm sorry all of this is killing you. I am hoping for some sort of reverse psychology effect or something. 1
Decorative Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) So, of course, (as with many OW, I’m sure), I’ve been on this thread like a HAWK.* Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross my exMM’s mind, and then I laugh for even wondering if I do.* Of course I do, I’m the s***. But I have to say, it has been MUCH easier getting through the past months of NC hoping he DOESN’T think of me.* Hearing some of these MM say they still love their exOW, to be honest, is truly killing me… * Who is an ex MM on here saying that? * ah. I see. Nevermind. I would think that would be a turn off, actually. It reads as a pretty weak show of character. Not strong enough to leave his marriage, if that's what he actually wants. But too scared to make a change. Not something I would find attractive. Edited January 11, 2013 by Decorative 2
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibilty. but i think everyone's definition or translation of a soul mate is different. I think it can mean a HELL of a lot of things in this day and age. i have gay gay best friend. he's my soul mate. my dog was my soul mate. my daughter is my soul mate. my sister is my soul mate. I have lots!!! And sad to see that a lot of the cynical women here have none. Ah yes, I can see how one's dog being ones soulmate is equal to that of an intimate partner. Now I see the "soulmate perspective" a little more clearly. Being as such, my definition still stands. In such case, I'll take the real life mate over that any day and hope never to relegate myself to "soulmate/option" status. If this is what cynicism looks like (y'know, not settling for half-measures OR the scraps off of someone else's table) than I will take it. By the way, my dog is awesome. Best dog in the world, but I don't think we are "spiritually compatible." I'm a Mormon, and I didn't see her celebrate Christmas which makes me think she might be a Jehovah's Witness. We won't know for sure until we try to celebrate her birthday though. I'm sure we'll still live together and see past this though. 1
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Ah yes, I can see how one's dog being ones soulmate is equal to that of an intimate partner. Now I see the "soulmate perspective" a little more clearly. Being as such, my definition still stands. In such case, I'll take the real life mate over that any day and hope never to relegate myself to "soulmate/option" status. If this is what cynicism looks like (y'know, not settling for half-measures OR the scraps off of someone else's table) than I will take it. By the way, my dog is awesome. Best dog in the world, but I don't think we are "spiritually compatible." I'm a Mormon, and I didn't see her celebrate Christmas which makes me think she might be a Jehovah's Witness. We won't know for sure until we try to celebrate her birthday though. I'm sure we'll still live together and see past this though. ahhhh, well yes, one indeed DOES need a soul in order to have a soul mate. good luck at your life without one though
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 ahhhh, well yes, one indeed DOES need a soul in order to have a soul mate. good luck at your life without one though I hope for the sake of decency that you would be referring to the Jehovah's Witness belief of not having a soul. I may think that affairs are dangerous, emotional, damaging and distinctly unfair to not only those involved but the victims of them. I also believe that the constructs used to perpetuate them imitate (in most circumstances) the prolonged hope of a happily ever after that those with low or inflated self esteem hope for and are crushed by when they don't happen over 95% of the time. Those things I may believe, but the hardly makes me souless but any stretch of the imagination. In fact I have been a deeply hurt and deeply strong individual who has had my spiritual connection all but shattered/rebuilt/and then shattered again due to my own lack of energy post-affair by my husband. I am not soulless, but it will take many years for what would be my soul to be made whole again. Unless by some miracle that were to happen. My feelings are just as real as anyone and although I tease and jest, suggesting I am "souless" would be purely offensive. The type of people I would think of as souless would be sociopathic. I am nowhere near close. 2
flattened Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 It doesn't matter what you had to offer. She was only looking to enhance her life, not CHANGE it. Yes, it hurts to think that, but I guess it's true.
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I hope for the sake of decency that you would be referring to the Jehovah's Witness belief of not having a soul. I may think that affairs are dangerous, emotional, damaging and distinctly unfair to not only those involved but the victims of them. I also believe that the constructs used to perpetuate them imitate (in most circumstances) the prolonged hope of a happily ever after that those with low or inflated self esteem hope for and are crushed by when they don't happen over 95% of the time. Those things I may believe, but the hardly makes me souless but any stretch of the imagination. In fact I have been a deeply hurt and deeply strong individual who has had my spiritual connection all but shattered/rebuilt/and then shattered again due to my own lack of energy post-affair by my husband. I am not soulless, but it will take many years for what would be my soul to be made whole again. Unless by some miracle that were to happen. My feelings are just as real as anyone and although I tease and jest, suggesting I am "souless" would be purely offensive. The type of people I would think of as souless would be sociopathic. I am nowhere near close. No. I meant your utterly unnecessary mocking of me and my comment while I was just trying to show my point of view of a soul mate. I wasn't calling YOU cynical, I said the majority of the posters here. And I said nothing that should have warranted being made fun of. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but you hurt mine too. We lost our dog recently so you really knew how to hit where it hurts.
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 A "disservice" to whom? Women who just MIGHT actually see the pattern that most of the posters here see about their 'unique' affair and want to move on with their lives, rather than being stuck in limbo with a married man for untold years? Oh yes, heaven forbid THAT happens. Of course you see common occurances. Sadly, more than one might like. The point was, just because you hear common phrases being used does not particularly mean they are coming from the same mold. The mold which most relationships are judged on this forum. Yes, you can make educated guesses based on probability, but to prescribe a definite to a situation with limited knowledge as to the particlulars is wreckless. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 We lost our dog recently so you really knew how to hit where it hurts. I am very sorry. I am very scared for this as my dog's breed has a life expectancy of 7 years and she is 6 now. She has gotten much less agile and interested in thing over the last year as well.
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I am very sorry. I am very scared for this as my dog's breed has a life expectancy of 7 years and she is 6 now. She has gotten much less agile and interested in thing over the last year as well. You didn't know. :/ I'm very sorry about your dog. Pets become a part of the family and I know how hard it can be.
waterwoman Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I suspect my dog has no soul - he is too stupid to have a soul But I love him to bits and he is a friend. He does this thing with his eyes where they go all big and brown and 'soulful' but as it's usually around food or walks I don't take it as evidence of the existence of a soul. 1
Summer Breeze Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Soulmate: (translation) Someone I feel something with, but not someone I care enough about to disrupt my life for to make them my Actual Mate. Great when at a distance. And what of the spouses in happy Ms that call themselves soulmates? I personally don't believe in them but I hear an awful lot of my long married friends calling their spouses soulmate.
Summer Breeze Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) ILY is only meaningful when backed by actions. I will include it on the list because affair love is very intense. I am not sure what it means within the context of an affair. I say so because of the high number of throws under the bus after d-day. And having an A on someone you supposedly love (BS)? Talk about actions going against words. Of course the actions often change when the WS status quo has been upset and they need to regain footing. Any bus an OW gets thrown under is a whole lot smaller than the bus a WS throws their spouse under. Edited January 12, 2013 by Summer Breeze 1
Recommended Posts