loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 So. This is a post for the OM...If you were or are the OM in any way, shape, or form. What were your feelings for the AP? Before the A, during the A, and after the A. (especially after NC)...??? We are all looking for answers. And as much as I know every case is different, it might be nice to hear from the man's POV. I understand if this thread can affect healing process and drudge up things that perhaps shouldn't be. But I am very curious. If you were the married one, if she was the married one, if you both were married. Any of the above, please answer honestly and truthfully. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I love her like I have never loved anyone, except my children. I just wished we had met earlier in our lives. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 There are many variables to your question. As a man this is my take. 1. He just wants extracurricular sex and says what you want to hear. GOne after d-day. 2. He is leaving the marriage and is having an exit affair. He is in love with OW in all life compartments. The above are the worst and best case scenarios. Now lets look at cake eating (not leaving the marriage): 1. OM loves OW withing the affair compartment or bubble. Once the bubble breaks with a d-day the love falls apart and he goes back to his wife. 2. OM tries to continue to eat cake despite the d-day and says he loves you. However will not end marriage. Love within the broken bubble or pure selfishness. Regarding the feelings of love: It is quite likely that there is real love within the affair bubble. The problem is that the bubble mostly affects the married AP. After NC there is withdrawal. After all the MOM was in love (most of the time). Thank you Pierre! Always look forward to your posts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I love her like I have never loved anyone, except my children. I just wished we had met earlier in our lives. Realist3, Do you mind saying what position you were in? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 That one is a classic. Right up there with: "I love my wife, but I am not in love with her." "I never planned to have an affair, it just happened." "We are soul mates". These phrases just keep coming up and most have a universal appeal. Just because you may see them as repeated phrases, does not in and of itself make them untrue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 It is just like everything else that is discussed here. "Oh I have heard that a thousand times... yada yada yada. I'm going to make a judgement on that." Just because those things are a common occurance in the vernacular, does not in any way mean they are not legitimate feelings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 It is just like everything else that is discussed here. "Oh I have heard that a thousand times... yada yada yada. I'm going to make a judgement on that." Just because those things are a common occurance in the vernacular, does not in any way mean they are not legitimate feelings. this place does seem rather cynical...but i guess that comes with the A territory. i don't believe it is always so black and white. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 By your reasoning, Pierre, we should just ignore it when someone says "I love you." Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 this place does seem rather cynical...but i guess that comes with the A territory. i don't believe it is always so black and white. The problem is that there are a bunch of people who have been listening to terribls strories for years and they try and fit every single situation they come across into a certain definition of stories they have heard before. There is no taking into account particular situations. It all gets lumped into this pre-determined box. People like to think they are helping, but it is almost a disservice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I always assumed he was a psychiatrist or something and that maybe i should listen to him. heed his advice. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 So... the only person who is going to give you the answer you need to hear OP is the MM in YOUR life. Because everyone else's answer is going to be different. This. This question you ask OP has no universal answer. Nor can one find any true universal truth that runs common in any A situation. In short the question you have asked has no answer to be found outside your A Some WS try madly deeply love the AP Others love certain parts - I'll leave to you to figure which parts And everything in between. The only truth to find is unique to you, your MM and your A. If you want to know then ask yourself and him within the context of your A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 This. This question you ask OP has no universal answer. Nor can one find any true universal truth that runs common in any A situation. In short the question you have asked has no answer to be found outside your A Some WS try madly deeply love the AP Others love certain parts - I'll leave to you to figure which parts And everything in between. The only truth to find is unique to you, your MM and your A. If you want to know then ask yourself and him within the context of your A. Well I can't do that cause we're in NC. So i think I have my answer. I would just like to gain some perspective from the males. I KNOW any answer given will never be exactly what my xMM thinks of me. Good thing, it's only a conversation. I understand that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Soulmate: (translation) Someone I feel something with, but not someone I care enough about to disrupt my life for to make them my Actual Mate. Great when at a distance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 The one thing I appreciate about my A is that there are no games. We have a balance. We are in the same exact situation. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. There is no trickery involved. Therefore we can be completely open 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Soulmate: (translation) Someone I feel something with, but not someone I care enough about to disrupt my life for to make them my Actual Mate. Great when at a distance. A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. actually. but i think everyone's definition or translation of a soul mate is different. I think it can mean a HELL of a lot of things in this day and age. i have gay gay best friend. he's my soul mate. my dog was my soul mate. my daughter is my soul mate. my sister is my soul mate. I have lots!!! And sad to see that a lot of the cynical women here have none. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 The one thing I appreciate about my A is that there are no games. We have a balance. We are in the same exact situation. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. There is no trickery involved. Therefore we can be completely open I miss this. I know. I'm a sad, sick little person Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I miss this. I know. I'm a sad, sick little person I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but maybe I do. The whole reason this has worked is because we are both on equal footing. Neither of us have ever tried to take an upper hand. That is not always the case in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 It's natural to miss that when you've had it. You're not a sad, sick little person. You're hurting. It'll get better. I don't really know your story I only recently came back after a couple weeks away but people heal from loss. It takes a while, you'll be happy again. LFH, I am SUPER glad you came back! I mean, I am a newbie here, but your advice and stories have always struck something with me. I hope the place stays civil enough for you to stay! your thoughts are much appreciated on my end! So Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. actually. but i think everyone's definition or translation of a soul mate is different. I think it can mean a HELL of a lot of things in this day and age. i have gay gay best friend. he's my soul mate. my dog was my soul mate. my daughter is my soul mate. my sister is my soul mate. I have lots!!! And sad to see that a lot of the cynical women here have none. I think you are on to something that will suit you well in life - its a powerful lesson indeed. A soulmate is NOT this one super-special fated and truly perfect match forged by destiny to never ever be repeated with anyone else. A soulmate is the one you trust, love and INVEST in. And, most importantly, it is returned equally unto you. Every human you meet is a potential soulmate - if you want. I can now scratch you off the "be worried about list" Edited January 11, 2013 by jwi71 Autocorrect. Again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but maybe I do. I mean that I miss having that human connection with someone like I did while in the A. I'm going on 6 months NC after d-day. sooooo i think i know where i stand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I can now scratch you off the "be worried about list" Phew! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 The one thing I appreciate about my A is that there are no games. We have a balance. We are in the same exact situation. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. There is no trickery involved. Therefore we can be completely open Um, you guys play a whole bunch of spy vs spy games; including where you use the children's school as a way to lose "tails." How you can see that as game and trickery free with the mind-****king you've done to both spouses shows a serious cognitive disconnect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 How sad that you think that. My soulmate was my husband. It was great at a distance or close or as we built our life together. He was my sun and moon and stars and world. I would hope that everyone would feel that way about their spouse. Obviously they don't.. but they really should. 98% of the time I see it used in the context of an affair. In truth, when I believed in "soulmates" I was very young and thought my ex was my soulmate. In some ways we fit together better than me and H do. BUT overall my husband knocks him out cold in where my heart and mind go. My husband and I would've become "soulmates" by the choices we make and the history we have survived through together. Despite his issues, he did stay in the game even though 95%+ people would've folded completely. Same with me. That's special. It wasn't Orr-determined by a big dose of fate. We chose each other over our respective life and psychological issues. That's a REAL MATE. that trumps chemistry and similar sense of humor any day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Um, you guys play a whole bunch of spy vs spy games; including where you use the children's school as a way to lose "tails." How you can see that as game and trickery free with the mind-****king you've done to both spouses shows a serious cognitive disconnect. You are confusing two different issues. The hoops we jump though to see each other are totally unrelated to our relationship one on one. All it speaks to are the confines in which our relationship has to deal with in order for us to enjoy time together. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 You are confusing two different issues. The hoops we jump though to see each other are totally unrelated to our relationship one on one. All it speaks to are the confines in which our relationship has to deal with in order for us to enjoy time together. I wonder how that one on one relationship would look without those hoops.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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