raykinsella Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm looking for a little insight from some of you who have been through what I have been through and what your opinion is about taking AnitDepressant's. Quick recap of my situation. Dday was 4 months ago last week. Wife had about a 6 week affair. Since Dday she has done everything I asked of her, pretty much. She quit her job(where AP worked) before I even asked her too. No contact. A few times a freind of a friend contacted her and she told me about. He wrote her a "goodbye" letter after she texted him to never contact her again and what a horrible thing she did and his role in it as well. She agreed to divorce and signed over house and signed off on alimony and all but a small portion of my retirement accout. It was a gestrure that I am sure most women wouldn't do. She gave up about $150,000 to prove to me she loves me and that the life I gave her or the money is not important to her. We still live together and have been trying to reconcile. She has been truthful about all my questions(as far as I know). It's been a roller coaster as I am sure all of you know. In the early stages I was a wreck. Went to doctor and was perscribed Zoloft and Xanax to help with the OBSSESSING that I was going through. It did help for a bit. At least my ex thought so. HOWEVER there was a pretty serious sexual side effect. Most of the time I couldn't get an erection, and even if I took levitra and could, I COULD NOT orgasm. It was so frustrating. The sex since Dday(about 2 weeks after is when we were intimate for the first time) has been incredible. Very passionate. I can really feel her love and a closeness to her at those times. She feels the same. It's not like we have sex 3 times a day. Probably 4 or 5 times a week, and it's been great. Anyways I decided that the trade off wasn't worth it and I stopped taking the Zoloft.(actually tried 3 different AD's and all had the same effect. Well I have taken a few steps backwards and we have had some problems. I'm angrier, sadder, up and down all the time. More bad days than good. She wants me to go back on the AD's. My reluctance is that the AD's are just masking or putting aside the issues that at some point I need to address. I am having a lot of triggers and wanting to ask her questions all the time. I know that is not a good thing. But I'm still trying to make sense of this. Although I know I will never "understand" it. I'm afraid that once I stop taking the AD's then all these issues will just come flooding back. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I decided to gone AD to get a handle on my rage and downward spirals. I was on Zoloft for 18 months. The sexual side-effect for me was noticeable but minimal. What is more important at this point? mental health or sex?
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Try marijuana. You won't give a damn and your sex drive will be just fine. 6
Decorative Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 There's an article in Newsweek that explains that in most situations, antidepressants work no better than placebo. They only show an active benefit, and not for the reasons they are supposed to, in severe depression. For situational depression, they have the placebo effect. Why Antidepressants Are No Better Than Placebos - Newsweek and The Daily Beast That's a good jumping off place - and there are studies mentioned in it that you can look at for further explanation. I hope that helps. 1
NotCamelot Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) Did not take antidepressents as I had used them years ago and knew the sexual side effects. I knew that was not what I wanted. I did take Ambien to get some sleep. I was not sleeping from D-day forward until I got the Ambien. I was still miserable during my waking hours, but at least I was rested and not lying awake thinking about it all night. Edited January 11, 2013 by NotCamelot
Bryanp Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Have you been tested for STD's? What was the reason she gave you for having the affair? You may want to ask your doctor to prescribe you Prestiq. It is one of the very few anti-depressants that does not cause any sexual side effects.
Author raykinsella Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Obvioulsy mental health is more important than sex. But my question centered more on whether or not the AD's were just masking the issues I'm dealing and when I stop taking them at some point will I be right back to square one. Basically should I just suck it up and deal with things, good or bad, reconcile or separate, BUT deal with the emotions and issues now. Or does taking the AD's help pass some time and help these images and questions to be less powerful? I know time alone doesn't heal, but it can make it less painful??? I'm hoping. Bryan: I've given a pretty detail explanation of my story in previous posts. I'd hate to bore everyone by repeating it. I'm sure it's pretty typical for the most part. She swore that she made him use a condom all 6 times. It's one of the questions I first asked and have asked many times. I'm as certain as I can be that she is being honest about this. And, yes, I had her get tested and she was clean. It's funny you mention Prestiq, because on Wednesday my doctor prescribe me that. It will be my 4th AD that Iv'e tried. I had taken 2 pills before last night and did have some difficulty last night. Was able to "finish" but my guy was not all he could be and it was kind of a struggle. I'm gonna give it at least a month before I make any conclusions. But I have read a ton of reviews on Prestiq and it's pretty typical of all AD's: some love it and have no sexual side effects. Some hate it and say the sexual side effects were horrible.
Bryanp Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Ray - I think you will be surprised after a week how you sexually will be back to normal. It is a wonderful anti-depressant. The side effect for me from this drug is that you absolutely the craziest dreams. You feel like you are in a circus. Good luck.
NotCamelot Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 frozensprouts, Ambien is a pretty strong sleep aid. The first night I took it, my wife had to help me down the hallway to bedroom. That was just a short few minutes after taking it. I don't advise it though. It makes you do some pretty strange things while asleep. Actually had sex with the wife and never knew. She told me all about it the next day. And the "evidence" was there so I know it happened....... pretty wild, hunh?
drifter777 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Obvioulsy mental health is more important than sex. But my question centered more on whether or not the AD's were just masking the issues I'm dealing and when I stop taking them at some point will I be right back to square one. Basically should I just suck it up and deal with things, good or bad, reconcile or separate, BUT deal with the emotions and issues now. Or does taking the AD's help pass some time and help these images and questions to be less powerful? I know time alone doesn't heal, but it can make it less painful??? I'm hoping. I'm not sure you can have one without the other The thing is, you shouldn't have to choose between sex and mental health. Keep trying AD's until you find one that works for you. Both Wellbutrin and Lamictal worked very well for me, although my expectation was help for my emotional ups and downs associated with life in general. Expecting a drug to help reduce the disgusting images of your wife and OM is not realistic. Expecting a drug to help you get over her betrayal is not going to happen. When depression is caused by a real life event, like the death of a loved one or a cheating spouse, an AD is not going to help. These drugs are intended to treat the chemical reasons that can cause a person to feel depression not related to the typical ups and downs of life. There is no magic pill that heals infidelity.
SunshineToday Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Do becareful with the Xanax. It can be highly addictive. Just google xanax addiction. Seems like a very hard drug to get off.
KraftDinner Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm looking for a little insight from some of you who have been through what I have been through and what your opinion is about taking AnitDepressant's. Quick recap of my situation. Dday was 4 months ago last week. Wife had about a 6 week affair. Since Dday she has done everything I asked of her, pretty much. She quit her job(where AP worked) before I even asked her too. No contact. A few times a freind of a friend contacted her and she told me about. He wrote her a "goodbye" letter after she texted him to never contact her again and what a horrible thing she did and his role in it as well. She agreed to divorce and signed over house and signed off on alimony and all but a small portion of my retirement accout. It was a gestrure that I am sure most women wouldn't do. She gave up about $150,000 to prove to me she loves me and that the life I gave her or the money is not important to her. We still live together and have been trying to reconcile. She has been truthful about all my questions(as far as I know). It's been a roller coaster as I am sure all of you know. In the early stages I was a wreck. Went to doctor and was perscribed Zoloft and Xanax to help with the OBSSESSING that I was going through. It did help for a bit. At least my ex thought so. HOWEVER there was a pretty serious sexual side effect. Most of the time I couldn't get an erection, and even if I took levitra and could, I COULD NOT orgasm. It was so frustrating. The sex since Dday(about 2 weeks after is when we were intimate for the first time) has been incredible. Very passionate. I can really feel her love and a closeness to her at those times. She feels the same. It's not like we have sex 3 times a day. Probably 4 or 5 times a week, and it's been great. Anyways I decided that the trade off wasn't worth it and I stopped taking the Zoloft.(actually tried 3 different AD's and all had the same effect. Well I have taken a few steps backwards and we have had some problems. I'm angrier, sadder, up and down all the time. More bad days than good. She wants me to go back on the AD's. My reluctance is that the AD's are just masking or putting aside the issues that at some point I need to address. I am having a lot of triggers and wanting to ask her questions all the time. I know that is not a good thing. But I'm still trying to make sense of this. Although I know I will never "understand" it. I'm afraid that once I stop taking the AD's then all these issues will just come flooding back. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks. I was put on antidepressants years ago when I was going through my divorce. Thing is, any good effects were short-lasting. You need to keep upping the dose. Now two facts, and don't let anyone tell you different: - they are VERY habit-forming - lots of people put on a ton of weight. I put on 30 pounds! I went from being quite slim to slobby looking in like 6 months. Plus a lot of them cause sexual issues. I totally, and I mean totally lost my drive.
eleanorrigby Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Try marijuana. You won't give a damn and your sex drive will be just fine. lol first thing you have said on this forum that I can co-sign with no reservations! 1
Decorative Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 When depression is caused by a real life event, like the death of a loved one or a cheating spouse, an AD is not going to help. These drugs are intended to treat the chemical reasons that can cause a person to feel depression not related to the typical ups and downs of life. There is no magic pill that heals infidelity. Yes. You cannot cure normal. 1
Author raykinsella Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 My doctor and MC and IC all suggested some kind of AD to "take the edge off". They said it would help with the obssessing and help level me off a little. No one said it would cure me or take the pain away. They said I would still feel the emotions, just not as intensely and I wouldn's fixate on things forever.
eleanorrigby Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My doctor and MC and IC all suggested some kind of AD to "take the edge off". They said it would help with the obssessing and help level me off a little. No one said it would cure me or take the pain away. They said I would still feel the emotions, just not as intensely and I wouldn's fixate on things forever. Be careful with those things. I tried them and was told the same thing, that it would just level out my emotions. But instead I felt like a zombie. I couldn't laugh or cry. It was such an odd feeling. I would feel as if I was about to cry and then it would feel as if something just arose in my body and choked it off. Same thing with laughter. I'd feel as if I was about to laugh and again, something would choke it off. And I only tried them for 2 days. I didn't like that sensation.
drifter777 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My doctor and MC and IC all suggested some kind of AD to "take the edge off". They said it would help with the obssessing and help level me off a little. No one said it would cure me or take the pain away. They said I would still feel the emotions, just not as intensely and I wouldn's fixate on things forever. Prescribing an AD as part of a crisis intervention seems odd since most AD's take a few weeks to begin working. 2
StormySeas Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My in-laws went through an affair situation 15 years ago and both went on ADs. So when my H fessed up to them about our situation, the first thing they suggested was we go on ADs. I am on a total roller coaster and am much more down than up. My IC/MC says that is 100% typical, normal and should occur as part of the healing...maybe it's just her stance, but she has indicated that she will not recommend ADs unless I become non-functional or something much more serious than I am now. Can you get out of bed and function without them? Are you just sad and depressed without them? Is your obsessive behaviour just needed to know where your wife is? If so...then I would consider just staying off of the ADs, trying to use intimate time engaged in roaring fun in the bedroom to make you smile, and just let yourself be down as you work through all of these emotions. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I can help you with that. Firstly, Xanax is not good at all to be on and it can cause flaccidity and lack of interest. It is also very addicting very quickly. I use it actually to kill my beastly unfulfilled sex drive and get some sleep because without Xanax I can have raging hard-ons and can't lie on my stomach and sleep because I'm a horny bastard that wants to fcck someone. Secondly, SSRI medications like Zoloft have a "sexual side effect". It is not flaccidity, as many wrongly assume, it is "anorgasmia" where one is firmly erect and very capable of doing everything but actually orgasming. I went through that with a couple of meds, the first of which was the Prozac I have been taking for 20 years. I had to take my Prozac every other day instead of every day to get over the anorgasmia. I tried Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Effexor etc but settled on Prozac. It is a great drug that helps me think without anger and obsession. I endorse SSRI's to get over traumas. Xanax and other benzodiazepines however are problematic and should be avoided if you can.
Decorative Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My doctor and MC and IC all suggested some kind of AD to "take the edge off". They said it would help with the obssessing and help level me off a little. No one said it would cure me or take the pain away. They said I would still feel the emotions, just not as intensely and I wouldn's fixate on things forever. Seriously. Read the article I linked earlier, and then look at the studies attached to it. Antidepressants are not useful for situational depression and anxiety. They offer the placebo effect. You would be much better off exercising regularly, eating carefully, and with talk therapy. I am sure your clinicians mean well- but the data is not there to support the usage they are suggesting. 2
waterwoman Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Doctors just love prescribing ADs! Instant cure-all. I suffer from long- tern depression and believe me I'd love to stop taking taking them. I gave gained weight, I have a reduced sense of smell and yes, reaching orgasm is difficult. But last time I came off them I got passed all the horrible physical symptoms of withdrawal after a month or so only to get plunged back into worse depression later and standing on a bridge over a busy motorway intending to jump off. So I am stuck with them. I' d personally never take them to get over a situation like infidelity, I know their nasty little ways too well. Your reaction is normal - I have a totally remorseful FWH who is doing everything right but I am still going through the mill.Can't be avoided. Try a herbal sleep medicine if you need help with that - I take something with valerian and hops and it works really well.
BetrayedH Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 TMI warning. Ray, I've gone thru the same problem with Zoloft. Can't always stay hard and can't finish. Cialis solved the erection problem but I still couldn't finish. You would then think that being able to have sex for a really long time would be really great. It ain't. It's infuriating. I eventually went off both and things returned to normal. My depression returns in waves. I'm divorced now and spend too much time alone. I went back on the Zoloft (thinking my mental health is more important) and the sexual side effects returned again. I think that is more depresssing than anything. Maybe men are too focused on sex but the thought that my exwife has taken yet one more thing away from me (something that can be a pleasant distraction and should be a great bonding experience with my current GF) drives me insane. This thread has given me some clarity. I believe what Decorative has said about ADs not being helpful for situational depression. Hasta la bye bye to ADs. It's gonna have to be me and my quick wit against the world from here on out. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 There's an article in Newsweek that explains that in most situations, antidepressants work no better than placebo. They only show an active benefit, and not for the reasons they are supposed to, in severe depression. For situational depression, they have the placebo effect. Why Antidepressants Are No Better Than Placebos - Newsweek and The Daily Beast That's a good jumping off place - and there are studies mentioned in it that you can look at for further explanation. I hope that helps. Great article. Thanks for sharing. 1
Author raykinsella Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 BetrayedH I had the exact same problem. Levitra did solve the one problem, but not being able to "finish" turns what should be a special and close moment into one of frustration, dejection, anger, depression, etc. I know people say I should look at it as a positive for my partner because I "can go forever", but that's not reality. Of course it is important to me that I please her. But at the same time she wants me to enjoy it as well and it becomes frustrating for both of us. I fully understand what everyone is saying about AD's and situational depression. But I have read many people say that dealing with infidelity is very much like sufferring post traumatic stress syndrome. And isn't some kind of medication almost always used to deal with that? I don't like taking medication. I have Xanax and I might take one pill 2 times a week at most. Like I have said I voluntarily stopped taking the AD's a few months ago. I'm not too worried about becoming addicted or dependent on them. I'm not a drinker or a smoker, not the addictive personality type. I was just thinking that maybe this could help me get through the next few months. But it seems like all your opinions are pretty consistent. NO AD's!!
Decorative Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 BetrayedH I had the exact same problem. Levitra did solve the one problem, but not being able to "finish" turns what should be a special and close moment into one of frustration, dejection, anger, depression, etc. I know people say I should look at it as a positive for my partner because I "can go forever", but that's not reality. Of course it is important to me that I please her. But at the same time she wants me to enjoy it as well and it becomes frustrating for both of us. I fully understand what everyone is saying about AD's and situational depression. But I have read many people say that dealing with infidelity is very much like sufferring post traumatic stress syndrome. And isn't some kind of medication almost always used to deal with that? I don't like taking medication. I have Xanax and I might take one pill 2 times a week at most. Like I have said I voluntarily stopped taking the AD's a few months ago. I'm not too worried about becoming addicted or dependent on them. I'm not a drinker or a smoker, not the addictive personality type. I was just thinking that maybe this could help me get through the next few months. But it seems like all your opinions are pretty consistent. NO AD's!! I was diagnosed with PTSD, post affair. I had therapy, and no medication to deal with it. You can investigate EMDR for PTSD, and see what you think about that. It has an excellent reputation for helping. I did not have true EMDR, but my therapist did some aspects of it- as she is trained in it. I actually sought her out thinking I would have EMDR, but she made a different clinical decision for me.
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