Love_me_not Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 This thread is a tad long, perhaps, but please take the time to read it. I could really use advice. Thank you! My soon-to-be ex-husband and I dated for 4 (weird) years before we got married. I didn't want to get married, but I was pressured into it BIG TIME by him and his family. We always have had a very toxic relationship, and I begged him to seek couples counseling with me before we got married. he refused, and thus, we are separated now after only 5 short months of marriage. It was a LOT of lying...I found out he was dealing pot behind my back, spending money we didn't have on pot, hiding it from me, texting girls, lying to me about all sorts of things. There was a lot of emotional abuse, on top of it all, and I couldn't take anymore. I just decided I deserved better, and I told him I wanted a divorce back in September. We have been living apart for a few months, in separate houses, and are waiting on tax returns to expedite the divorce, since that'll give us the funds to do it. He is VERY against the divorce, but I believe that he is against it only because he has always been obsessed with control and having power over me. I believe that this divorce, to him, means that he has no control over a situation finally, and therefore, he won't let go of it. He's gone through my phone records to see who I'm texting and calling--then he actually calls those people! If it's a guy, he interrogates them, asking them what their relationship is with me, etc. It's so creepy, and I feel like a prisoner to him! I have since blocked his ability to see any of the phone bill, but still; he comes to my house and searches my Internet history to see what I'm doing, etc. I haven't dated anyone since the separation, but he is determined to paint me as 'the bad guy'. Anyway, there just so happens to be someone that I've always kind of had a crush on since I met him in September. He's incredibly sweet, down to earth, NORMAL, friendly, etc. I've kept him at arm's length thus far, because I didn't feel I was quite ready to move on. But this past month, I have finally gotten to where my self-esteem is re-established, through therapy and learning to let go of the hate/hurt. I feel good about myself at last, and know that I don't NEED a man to complete me. However, not NEEDING one is different from not WANTING one, and I am really interested in this other guy. Thing is, I am petrified to start calling him, getting to know him, etc. because of the fear that my ex-husband will find out. He plays the most malicious games, and it's enough to make me want to have a nervous breakdown at times. But at the same time, I believe that moving on is healthy, and that I deserve that right to do just that--slowly, of course. I can't help but feel guilty about it, though...partially because my ex constantly reminds me that "If you ever started seeing someone else, I would be absolutely devastated". As much as I dislike him, I do have a heart, and I can't help but succumb to his manipulation. Am I wrong for wanting to move on? Should I feel 'ok' about starting to get to know this new guy? Calling him, etc? Remember, please, I am not plunging into some new, serious relationship; I just want to get to know him and see where things go. Please help I appreciate all feedback, in advance.
trippi1432 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Personally, even with the therapy and feeling better about yourself, you should still give it some time. I say this because your STBX is going to create drama around it and the last thing you need if you really want to get to know this new guy is to drag him into your drama. It's not fair to this new person you seem to like and even though you were only married for 5 months, you still need time to recover. Even though you sound like you are ready, go out with girlfriends and have fun. Fill that space with other things right now and when things are final with the divorce, then look at moving forward. Just my opinion.
standtall Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 LMN..you shouldn't feel bad at all about moving on. One thing though, I would make sure that the ink is dry on the divorce before you proceed any further with this new guy.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 One thing though, I would make sure that the ink is dry on the divorce before you proceed any further with this new guy. Agreed. Also, do you see your part in enabling this? How does he get in your house to search your internet history? How did he "pressure" you to marry him? Short of Mexican drug cartel death threats, I don't think someone could force me down the aisle if I had the kind of ongoing reservations you describe. He refused couple's counseling but you married him anyway? He stalks and manipulates you but you don't want to hurt his feelings? You seem to be motivated to be the victim here... Mr. Lucky
Author Love_me_not Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I was pressured into the marriage because his parents were paying for tons of stuff, with and without my prior approval--money they couldn't get back. I was being told that I couldn't postpone the wedding because they'd be out all of that money, and I was made to feel guilty about it. I don't make nearly as much money as my STBX, and he would threaten me with destitution, should I opt not to marry him in June. He has a strong financial bearing on the relationship, and holds money over my head. My finances were put into his private bank account, and he would not allow me access to the funds unless I asked, and then explained what I needed the money for. And no, I'm not a wild spender--he's a control freak. You would be surprised how easily manipulated someone can be if there are the tools there to supply someone with the feeling that they have no choice in the matter. I'm not playing a victim here--I admit, I was co-dependent on him. But I'm working on learning to be independent, and am doing rather well at it.
Author Love_me_not Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 He has a key to my house still, which he won't return. And no, I can't afford to change the locks. Not only that, but I naively figured that, at age 33, he would have more maturity than to be in my house and go through my stuff while I was at work.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 You would be surprised how easily manipulated someone can be if there are the tools there to supply someone with the feeling that they have no choice in the matter. I'm not playing a victim here--I admit, I was co-dependent on him. But I'm working on learning to be independent, and am doing rather well at it. Again, I feel you're underplaying your role in digging the hole you're in (you could manipulate me into seeing a movie I'm not interested in but not into marrying someone) but am glad to hear that independence is on the horizon. Locks can be changed fairly inexpensively using "how to" info online... Mr. Lucky
Chi townD Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 He has a key to my house still, which he won't return. And no, I can't afford to change the locks. Not only that, but I naively figured that, at age 33, he would have more maturity than to be in my house and go through my stuff while I was at work. LOL! Yeah, right! Don't ever underestimate a desperate man. Don't worry about dating or needing or wanting another man. You say you want another man, but you write as if you NEED a man. Sorry, just my opinion. Look, you're not even divorced yet and you're looking around. If you sign the divorce paper and immediate jump into a relationship, he's gonna think that you left him for this other guy. Hell, I would think the same thing. But, you would be divorce so it shouldn't even matter. However, it gives the impression that you didn't even mourn the loss of the marriage, you didn't even mourn the loss of the relationship. Thus, you could really give a rats ass about your STBXH. At least, that's how it will be precieved. Do yourself a favor and get divorced. Once that happens, then give yourself some time to heal. Because if you start dating without enough time to heal, then you're not being fair to yourself and certainly not to the person you would date. 1
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