For those afraid of settling

[bodhesatva]

So, I've seen this idea many times before: the idea that people are afraid to "settle" for a great guy or girl who isn't the greatest guy or girl. I always find this to be very silly, and I think it helps to keep things in perspective. In some manner, everyone will settle to some degree or another.

 

For example, take your favorite Hollywood actor. Maybe it's Brad Pitt. Maybe it's Johnny Depp, or Channing Tatum. Whoever it is, even if you got to date them, you'd be settling in some very significant ways.

 

For starters, there are taller men out there (Depp isn't particularly tall at all, and Tatum is apparently 6', which is tall but not very tall). There are lots of men who are funnier and will make you laugh more. There are more intelligent men in the world, too.

 

In short: all but the simplest of us care about a lot of things in our SO. We care about their looks, sure. But we also almost always care about their sense of humor, their intelligence, and their compassion, just for starters. And no single person will simultaneously be the nicest, smartest, funniest, most beautiful guy or girl out there. Even if you found the guy or girl who is literally the smartest person in the world, he/she is unlikely to be the most beautiful or the funniest or the nicest. And thus you're settling.

 

In short: I just like to make sure people are aware that even the best of us "settle." It doesn't mean you should just take the next girl or guy who walks in to the room, but it does mean that you shouldn't be worried if your boyfriend or girlfriend isn't perfect in all regards.

Edited January 11, 2013 by bodhesatva

[monicaelise]

The biggest problem with "settling" isn't that you don't get exactly what you want, but that you settle for far less than you should. Most of us don't mind "settling" for less than Brad Pitt. The problems start when we make big concessions that we know in our guts we can't live with over the long term because we don't want to be alone, or we think we should "give it a chance". If I had a nickel for every time I'd done the latter...

[bodhesatva]

The biggest problem with "settling" isn't that you don't get exactly what you want, but that you settle for far less than you should. Most of us don't mind "settling" for less than Brad Pitt. The problems start when we make big concessions that we know in our guts we can't live with over the long term because we don't want to be alone, or we think we should "give it a chance". If I had a nickel for every time I'd done the latter...

 

Very much agreed, Monica. I touched on this lightly in the first post, but I definitely agree people shouldn't just take the first guy or girl to talk through the door that's willing to date them. It's definitely possible to settle too much, in other words.

 

I just want to make people feel better about settling at all, because in some important way, we all will "settle." Even if you marry an insanely funny, wealthy, highly intelligent man, he may not be the most handsome or most outgoing or any other number of things.

 

In other words, you have to strike a healthy balance. You shouldn't settle for a terrible, mean person, but you also need to expect to settle somewhat, because no man or woman will be the best at absolutely everything you want.

[TheZebra]

I think there are things that you can (and often times should) settle on and other things you shouldn't. I think things that affect your long term happiness, like goals, style of living, and religion/culture should not be compromised. I know, for example, that I love travelling with my partner, would like to live in a different state at some point, and see myself as career focused. I could never settle for a guy who hated travelling, never wanted to leave this state, and/or wanted to impregnate me before the ink dried on the marriage certificate. In the long term, I'd be miserable with those guys.

 

Honestly, I think if you have a person who you're attracted to, who is equally as in love with you as you are with them, and your major goals and visions align then most other things are negotiable. Looks, career type, taste in movies, whatever. They can be a good starting point, but not what you should decide on for long term commitment.

[monicaelise]

Very much agreed, Monica. I touched on this lightly in the first post, but I definitely agree people shouldn't just take the first guy or girl to talk through the door that's willing to date them. It's definitely possible to settle too much, in other words.

 

I just want to make people feel better about settling at all, because in some important way, we all will "settle." Even if you marry an insanely funny, wealthy, highly intelligent man, he may not be the most handsome or most outgoing or any other number of things.

 

In other words, you have to strike a healthy balance. You shouldn't settle for a terrible, mean person, but you also need to expect to settle somewhat, because no man or woman will be the best at absolutely everything you want.

 

Quite right. Unfortunately, what that healthy balance is varies from person to person and without a great deal of self awareness it's hard to figure out where it is. It's not just a matter of making room for less than the most intelligent, attractive, funny, secure partner, but figuring out what sort of concessions you, as an individual, can make. Can you handle someone who may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but is kind? Or is it okay to forfeit a sense of humour in exchange for security? What about a smart, funny, kind couch potato? Each one of us has to figure out for ourselves which things we can or can't tolerate in a partner if we're looking for something long-term.

 

If it's a short-term thing, none of it matters ...assuming the person isn't a diseased, serial rapist/murderer.

[salparadise]

In short: I just like to make sure people are aware that even the best of us "settle." It doesn't mean you should just take the next girl or guy who walks in to the room, but it does mean that you shouldn't be worried if your boyfriend or girlfriend isn't perfect in all regards.

 

I think the both the term and the concept are seriously flawed. It implies that choosing a life partner is about nothing more than shopping for the best deal, and that the shopper is an idiot to accept a great deal today if the possibility exists to find a better deal tomorrow. The possibility always exists to find a better deal tomorrow, so if someone declares that they will not settle it essentially means you're holding out until there is some of guarantee, which of course does not exist. It completely discounts the individuality of every human being and reduces an individual's wonderful qualities to to the equivalent of product features. Subscribing to the concept will make a person perpetually doubtful and dissatisfied, unless they convince themselves they actually did get the absolute best deal (which isn't likely if they think this way). It's just as likely, if you hold out a long long time, that you'll end up feeling that you would've been happier with deal #3 instead of #32.

 

The healthy approach, in my humble opinion, is to think in terms of overall appropriateness along with recognizing the uniqueness of every matchup, plus being aware and open to the feelings of love, commitment, trust and compatibility.

 

I read a sociological research project a few years ago that concluded that the happiest couples neither married the first person they were in relationship with, nor had a very large number of prior relationships. Statistically, the optimal number happened to be #6.

[IT Geek]

Some of us who are cursed with the ugly gene have no choice but to settle...or be alone.

 

Personally, I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with somebody for the wrong. Although, that does make for some lonely nights and holidays.

[xxoo]

When you connect with someone, in such a way that you just want to be around them all the time, and the sex is phenomenal, and you feel a sense of belonging and home being with this person.....there is no settling.

 

All the rest just doesn't matter when you have that.

[ls32ssibm]

I'm not "settling" at this point anymore because I did when I was much younger, it got serious, and then someone I liked better walked into the picture, inevitably it seems. It became a total mess and I didn't end up with either. Lesson learned.

[GoodOnPaper]

The healthy approach, in my humble opinion, is to think in terms of overall appropriateness along with recognizing the uniqueness of every matchup, plus being aware and open to the feelings of love, commitment, trust and compatibility.

 

Very wise and long-term thinking. But I've observed that virtually all mention of settling on LS really centers on the initial infatuation stage which doesn't run on logical principles. Either . . .

 

1. One partner feels such an intense infatuation or attachment that he or she sticks with the relationship while receiving very inconsiderate treatment from their partner.

 

or

 

2. One partner does not feel that initial infatuation at all but pursues an LTR anyway for various reasons.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Settling is being with someone you are not in love with because you don't want to end up alone.

 

It has nothing to do with height, looks or status.

[IT Geek]

Settling is being with someone you are not in love with because you don't want to end up alone.

 

It has nothing to do with height, looks or status.

 

I beg to differ. If, due to any of the above (or lack of), you can't find anyone you feel that "love connection" with you decide to be with someone you aren't in love with then it is indeed a direct result.

[soccerrprp]

Frankly, if you view your current bf/gf as settling, it's already doomed to fail. B/c you will constantly remind yourself that you can do better and you know what that leads to....

 

Anyone who thinks that they are going to find the PERFECT match is unreasonable. We shouldn't be defining perfection by checking off a lengthy checklist of preferences or characteristics, rather by intangible needs that will carry us through to a relationship both giving and fulfilling. When I give myself to someone and become exclusive, I am not settling. I am SETTLING IN for an adventure that will hopefully lead to something permanent and awesome.