AliceInBlunderland Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I apologise in advance for this being long. Ok I'll start from the start, I've been with this guy for 6 years. We got together when I was 18 and he was 20. I hadn't had a serious relationship before that so everything was new to me and everything was perfect.. we were joined at the hip and everyone thought we were perfect together and we were I genuinely believed that we would beat the odds and be together until we were old and gray. Fast forward 4 years and we've been living together for two years by now, I am still in college and he is working nights so all week long we are like ships passing in the night..we see eachother at weekends eventhough we live together which is really hard. He's not dealing well with working nights and starts to smoke marajuana... a lot. Eventually it turns into a very bad habbit, I'd get home from college to find he's already in bad and the house stinks of weed. I felt very lonely and neglected at this time in my life. It was the lowest I have ever felt. I confronted him about it but was told that "everyone does it" and "it's not a big deal" etc. I then get the chance to stud abroad for a month and I jump at the chance. It gave me time to clear my head and think about the relationship and where it was going (if anywhere) I was seriously considering throwing in the towel and making a fresh start when out of the blue my boyfriend lands out and asks me to marry him!!! and I said..yes:( because I thought it was going to fix things and that things had changed and would be the same as they were when the relationship began. How wrong was I? We were together for 5 years by now and both our families were over the moon. I got home and he had stopped smoking weed and we moved house and I finished college and I got a job and things seemed great..but I didnt feel great. I went to the Doc who diagnosed me with depression and put me on antidepressants. It wasnt severe depression just feeling down more than normal. So I thought that was why I was deeling down but I have been off the meds for 8 mnths now and am still upset and its because in my head the relationship had ended before I ever went abroad. And now I'm engaged and we live together and we have a dog and I don't want to be with him anymore... Its not because of anything in particular we just drifted apart when he was working nights and we never saw eachother and I thought we could get back to being blissfully happy again but its too late..the damage is done and getting engaged to fix it was like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound..pointless We dont fight all the time or anything like that my heart just isnt in it anymore and I think he deserves somebody who is 100% committed to him and 100% in ,ove with him. I think its unfair on both of us for me to stay with him when I don't want to be. My problem is that I've never broken up with someone before and I don't know how to do it, I'm scared that I'll regret it, I'm terrified of hurting him and I don't want him to give up hope of finding someone better, and I want him to understand that this is very hard decision and not one that was taken lightly and that I will always care for him. I'm just so scared... (ps if you read all of this thank you so much and I would really appreciate your POV) Edited January 11, 2013 by AliceInBlunderland typo in title
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 i'm very curious about your situation. i was basically your dumpee, except i hurt my ex not by smoking weed, but by just not being "in love" with her for most of our relationship, breaking up with her a couple times, and just not being a great bf i guess. by the time i fixed my commitment issues and jumped all in, after trying it briefly, it just didn't work. she was different; distant. her feelings had obviously taken a hit for me, and even though i was finally saying all the things she so badly craved during our relationship (and even started fights over) she wanted me much less at this point, than before. she seemed to have lost her attraction for me (she didn't say this, but it was obvious). in fact as soon as we broke up, she was already looking to date other guys right away, so i know she wasn't all that hurt over our breakup. i guess i'm curious about a few things. so i assume you've lost your attraction to him too right? like you see other guys that you're attracted to now/feel like you want to develop crushes on, but your ex just doesn't do anything for you anymore?? i just don't even get the concept lol. seems he's changed, and doesn't smoke weed anymore, and has his life straightened out, so can you make sense of why you are no longer attracted to him?? maybe it's not even the weed thing and you lost your attraction just b/c everything got old and stale? i'm just really interested in how you girls can lose your feelings and give up, when the guy finally turns things around and wants to make it work. isn't he the same guy you fell in love with? my apologies for the interrogation lol, just seems similar to my situation.
Author AliceInBlunderland Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) so i assume you've lost your attraction to him too right? like you see other guys that you're attracted to now/feel like you want to develop crushes on, but your ex just doesn't do anything for you anymore?? . It sounds harsh I know but I have lost my attraction to him too. Its not something I can help and theres nothing that will change that either. I have no desire to be with him physically. It's not that the thought of being with him that way makes me sick or anything I just don't enjoy it with him anymore..it's like a chore seems he's changed, and doesn't smoke weed anymore, and has his life straightened out, so can you make sense of why you are no longer attracted to him??. I don't think ot was even the weed thing. That just coincided with terrible working/college times when we never got to see eachother and we just slowly drifted apart because at that time, even though we were living together, i was alone, and I think I got used to it.. i'm just really interested in how you girls can lose your feelings and give up, when the guy finally turns things around and wants to make it work. isn't he the same guy you fell in love with? I did try I tried very hard, I had myself medicated because I thought there had to be a medical reason for why I was feeling this way. I had it all, apparently, he loved me we bot had jobs and money and a house but it was too late. We drifted too far apart and can't com back from it.. I would have loved if we were the couple that beat the odds and stayed together through thick and thin but I just don't feel it anymore...I wish I did but I don't.. He is the same guy I fell in love with..but I'm not the same person anymore Edited January 11, 2013 by AliceInBlunderland
NoMoreJerks Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 i'm just really interested in how you girls can lose your feelings and give up, when the guy finally turns things around and wants to make it work. isn't he the same guy you fell in love with? If you have broken up with her multiple times, every time she said or did something you didn't like, or every time there was a little argument or disagreement, then she might have been so emotionally drained and sick of being blackmailed. My ex did this, threatened to break-up with me every time he didnt' like a particular behaviour of mine, and did leave me twice. Now? If he comes begging for forgiveness, I will not take him back. I still do have feelings for him, but I cannot trust him and I cannot live my life in the shadow of the possibility of a break-up out of the blue. It's too emotionally draining and made me anxious and just drained me of all energy. That's why I didn't even fight it when he dumped me the second time around (I think for good). Yes, I still have some feelings for him, but they are no longer the same that I used to have... there is also an element of turn-off,... The more I think about his behaviour (especially his constant threats to walk out), the more he turns me off, and the less I want to be with him. He was childish and a jerk. His behaviour was not attractive at all. A man should not be into so much drama as my ex was. He seemed to be getting an emotional high from all the threats of dumping me, and I felt like it was eroding my dignity and self-respect in the process because I begged him not to leave me, so many times.. it was almost like he was doing it deliberately, to get me to kneel in submission to his desires.. It's a huge turn-off. Nope, I need a man who will care about me, protect me, love me, cherish me, want to spend time with me, work on the relationship rather than check out at the first hint of a tiny disagreement or a difference of opinion. I want to feel like an equal in the relationship, not a childlike being who is not supposed to have an opinion of her own, and is only good for sex and blowjobs. That's why I will never take him back. It is no longer the same. There are so many issues there: lack of trust, turn-offs, lack of love, etc. I don't even think I *LIKE* him anymore... let alone loving him... I just have "feelings" for the man I thought he was... 2
Author AliceInBlunderland Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 @Jono84 How did your break up come about? Were you completely blindsided?? Did you want the relationship to end? How did you cope? Did you ever forgive her? Do you hate her? Have you found someone new? Do you think it was the right decision? Did it take you long to move on? On a scale of 0-Adele how hurt were you?? I'm really sorry but considering you are bacically my "Dumpee" I cant think of anyone better to ask these questions and I really need answers.
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 It sounds harsh I know but I have lost my attraction to him too. Its not something I can help and theres nothing that will change that either. I have no desire to be with him physically. It's not that the thought of being with him that way makes me sick or anything I just don't enjoy it with him anymore..it's like a chore I don't think ot was even the weed thing. That just coincided with terrible working/college times when we never got to see eachother and we just slowly drifted apart because at that time, even though we were living together, i was alone, and I think I got used to it.. I did try I tried very hard, I had myself medicated because I thought there had to be a medical reason for why I was feeling this way. I had it all, apparently, he loved me we bot had jobs and money and a house but it was too late. We drifted too far apart and can't com back from it.. I would have loved if we were the couple that beat the odds and stayed together through thick and thin but I just don't feel it anymore...I wish I did but I don't.. He is the same guy I fell in love with..but I'm not the same person anymore Very interesting. can you delve deeper at all? like tangible things as to why you're not attracted to him anymore? i'm so fascinated with this. maybe sexually, you've realized he doesn't do it for you anymore? or is that merely a result of your feelings lost for him? you said you have no desire to be with him physically anymore. has he done anything physically to become less attractive to you? if it's nothing to do with physical, okay, has he maybe become less of a masculine male to you?? like you've seen his vulnerable side too many times, and he just doesn't turn you on anymore like he used to when he maybe didn't care as much and seemed like a rock/unphased. maybe he became more needy towards the last year or whatever of your relationship? basically, i feel like there's gotta be something tangible that has made you lose your attraction, ya know?
Author AliceInBlunderland Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Very interesting. can you delve deeper at all? like tangible things as to why you're not attracted to him anymore? i'm so fascinated with this. maybe sexually, you've realized he doesn't do it for you anymore? or is that merely a result of your feelings lost for him? you said you have no desire to be with him physically anymore. has he done anything physically to become less attractive to you? if it's nothing to do with physical, okay, has he maybe become less of a masculine male to you?? like you've seen his vulnerable side too many times, and he just doesn't turn you on anymore like he used to when he maybe didn't care as much and seemed like a rock/unphased. maybe he became more needy towards the last year or whatever of your relationship? basically, i feel like there's gotta be something tangible that has made you lose your attraction, ya know? Maybe you're right. I didnt really think about it that way, but yeah not long after he stopped smoking he lost his job(unrelated to the smoking and he got a new one after about a month) but in the mean time he basically had a nervous breakdown. He was very paranoid and insecure for a period of about 3 weeks I'm talking extreme paranoia! He finally came around and got back to normal but it's a interesting point I never really saw that as being connected...
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 @Jono84 How did your break up come about? Were you completely blindsided?? Did you want the relationship to end? How did you cope? Did you ever forgive her? Do you hate her? Have you found someone new? Do you think it was the right decision? Did it take you long to move on? On a scale of 0-Adele how hurt were you?? I'm really sorry but considering you are bacically my "Dumpee" I cant think of anyone better to ask these questions and I really need answers. well i'm not sure how similar my story is to yours. but i'll try to be as concise as possible...(probs gonna be long) my ex and i were long distance btw, 2 hours for half of it, 1 hour the other half. so she developed feelings very quickly, 2-3 months said "i love you". at this point she knew i didn't love her back, i'd already tried breaking up with her once b/c my feelings didn't match hers and we were fighting b/c of it (she was very insecure/needy) but took her back immediately after begging and pleading to give it more time. so lets say 7 months into relationship, i still haven't said ILY back and still unsure. i try to break up with her again but am met with same resistance, hysterical-ness, begging, etc. there were no other girls, never was throughout entire relationship, and i cared for this girl more than i've ever cared for anything in my life. hence why i felt immensely guilty continuing the relationship when i wasn't sure, and she was in completely in love (or was it infatuation, looking back??). so i get sucked back in, and we continue... the next 2 months, i still haven't said ILY back, but i'm starting to warm up. until a couple week period, she gets distant with me. i point it out, b/c i'm confused and it's unlike her. she tells me it's nothing. but i bring it up again, after still weird behaviour/lack of affection on phone/not wanting to talk much. she tells me i'm acting like a girl, etc. on we go. so last february, she visits me for the weekend. everything seems back t normal, she seems back in love with me. she leaves her Facebook open though and i snoop, she's talking to a guy friend during that time, and the convo ended on a flirty note that she initiated (nothing that bad or explicit, "i could use a personal trainer ;)" after he said he just got a PT job). she also msged another guy and had smiley faces etc, nothing too flirty though. just odd. anyway i give her opp to delete everything cuz later in day i tell her i wanted to see something on her facebook. sure enough later that night, it's all deleted. i'm crushed. i confront her. she tells me sorry she is and admits to having doubts about us, but when she saw me everything came back. here's where maybe i messed up. i broke up with her. trust is so huge for me, the fact she wasn't open/honest with me really hurt. but the conundrum is, she was adamant that i drove her to do it, my neglect of her, etc. i stood firm (maybe i should have forgiven her and continued on). for the first time, my breakup was real. she was in denial for a while b/c she always expected me to take her right back, but this time i kept having to tell her, it's real. i know she was crushed, legitimately. fast forward a month or so. i miss this girl sooooo much. she's now being distant with me (as she should be). i realize i f*cking love this girl, always loved her, have a fear of commitment, but need her back. i tell her all of this. spill my heart (keep in mind we're still broken up). it's a lot for her take in, naturally. she says she needs time. we have LC for the next 2 months, and i'm becoming distant b/c she gives me breadcrumbs, but still hasn't asked for me back. the power dynamic has totally changed. but one day, after i've been strong/NC for a couple weeks, she calls me leaving a voicemail how much she misses me. we later talk and make up and decide to get back. btw i did find out she went on a few dates with a guy, made out a few times (she swore that was all, but who knows) but eventually stopped b/c he heard he was a player and only interested in sex. anyway, so we see eachother, had a up and down weekend. got into a bad fight one night, but we also had passionate crazy sex where for the first time i'm telling her how much i love her etc. BUT for some reason, the next couple weeks, she gets distant again. she tells me it needs to take time for her. she tells me how weird it is to hear me say ILY. she also admits she feels a bit of pressure now (bad sign i suppose lol). anyway so i start being needy/insecure, getting upset at her for not contacting me all day etc (keep in mind i broke up with her b/c i lost trust in her, so for me i needed to regain trust too, and the last time she was distant she was talking to guys...). we get into more fights, and i thought fixed them. so not 2 weeks after our first meet up, we're supposed to meet again. she calls me the night before crying about something her mom said to her (or was she crying b/c she realized she didn't have feelings for me anymore..) and tells me she doesn't feel like coming this weekend. terrible excuses (the drive, so stressed with work, which was 100% legit, hated her job, some other excuses) i'm crushed b/c i was so excited about it, but DID sense that week she was different/not as excited, not counting down the days, etc. anyway i said k babe, stay home, its ok, we'll do it next weekend. i'm still crushed/angry. she calls back within 10 min saying she changes her mind and wants to see me. she says she was shocked how understanding i was. i was still fuming and hurt, and said no its ok, you'll change ur mind again in 10 min, stay home. we get into a fight, naturally. she says "if i'm not coming, its OVER". she had previously threatened breakup earlier that week, and told her never to do it again. i reply "i told u never to threaten to break up with me, so it's OVER" *click*. we never left a breakup like that, or ever hung up on eachother not to call back. but this time we did. i was really hurt. didn't want it, but hoped she'd apologize for threatening me like that. she didn't. 5 days later i call her saying it's not what i want, i love you, etc etc. i was angry about u not wanting to come when i was so excited to see u (btw it's the first time ever she didn't feel like coming to see me). she stays firm, and says we need space, she doesn't want to date anyone, blah blah blah. i later find out 3 weeks later, when we meet up one final time (have sex a few times, say our ILYs, but she's still unsure/semi distant) after looking through her phone, that in those 3 weeks, she was interested in like 3 different guys. there was nothing about me to her friends. all about these other guys she was interested in. i was CRUSHED. i was pining for her and hurt those 3 weeks. other girls??? never. that would disgust me. she even stayed over at a guys house the same weekend we broke up (the same guy she dated the first time we broke up for a while) but told her friend "nothing happened". i saw this on her phone while she was sleeping...woke her up at 4 am, made her take the Plan B we bought, showed her the texts i found, and drove home. she was devestated...called me like 30 times, voicemails, texts. i turned my phone off. anyway...lol, sorry for such a long story. maybe that was a bit cathartic writing that out. possibly pathetic. we've been in very LC since...couple months ago she balled her eyes out on the phone on how bad of a bf i was and how i tortured her etc etc and that it's over forever. i apologized profusely. i also broke down when hearing her cry. i tried one more time bout a month later (last month) but she's not seeing someone. she said she'd try again if she didn't develop feelings for his guy (obv i don't believe that) but they've developed natural feelings (ie not forced, like we'd be if we tried again) and wants to see it play out. aka. we're done forever lol! /vent
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 please don't feel obligated to respond to all that. that was obv more for me than it was anything. crazy long, sigh. but yeah on the scale, i'm hurt like 9 or 10 lol. i've never been hurt like this. it sucks that once i became sure about her, she's lost her attraction/feelings. it's the worst feeling in the world for a guy, to have the one you love, just not attracted to you anymore. i say that b/c after our last breakup, she was very attracted to other guys instantly. imo that doesn't happen if you're still very much attracted to your ex. we JUST broke up =/ she clearly wanted that. just sucks that it'll likely never come back. like i'm still the same guy. bah
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Maybe you're right. I didnt really think about it that way, but yeah not long after he stopped smoking he lost his job(unrelated to the smoking and he got a new one after about a month) but in the mean time he basically had a nervous breakdown. He was very paranoid and insecure for a period of about 3 weeks I'm talking extreme paranoia! He finally came around and got back to normal but it's a interesting point I never really saw that as being connected... hmm, i wonder if that is what kind of lost the attraction. like maybe you had this image of his as a rock before, and once he lost his job, and broke down, maybe you just stopped being attracted to him in the same way? i feel like when i started showing that i cared about her more, and when i started getting needy and missing her attention, she also started distancing herself and pushed her away more. i thought in a relationship we woulda been passed all that, but i guess you still need to sort of 'game' your girlfriend and act like the alpha male. fact is though that all of us men, have the same feelings on the inside lol. we just ACT unphased by things. at least i'm pretty sure majority of us are actually fairly sensitive to this stuff. it's just so funny that my ex was most in love with me when i didn't want her as much as she wanted me. when i treated her like crap essentially and wasn't a great bf. then when i pour my heart out and show my vulnerable side, attraction killed.
jovan Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Well leaving him is easy. and you don't have to be scared. But you have to ask your self, do I want to lose someone like him? If you do, then, dump him, he will live and be happy after you, with some else. So if your with him only case your scared that you will regret it, then just leave him case his better off without you. Now am not saying this case I think your a bad person, am just saying that he doesn't deserve that. And if you do decide to do it, talk with him first, and explain how you feel, don't brake everything you had in 5 minutes! And call him up from time to time and ask him how is he doing and do tell him that your sorry and that you will never forget him. And that you will never forgive your self for taking his 5 years of life for nothing. That's at least what you can do after spending so much time with him!
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