Closure

[moveONorStay]

I've read/heard that closure doesn't come from your ex but actually comes from yourself.

 

For those of you who haven't been able to have that 'final conversation', what have you done to find the closure yourself? Has it been time, being more active, spending time with friends?

 

Curious to hear how you got your closure

[Balzac]

Came to realization and acceptance of what I control. Expecting a dumper, cheater or otherwise inadequate love interest to explain away their reasons for bad behavior, or simple lack of continued love, not logical.

I understand one's need to get it but once you've realized the futility in giving the other person that kind of power, closure is your's.

[Renard99]

It was a combination for me. I both talked it all through with friends and family and also just gave it time.

 

My final conversation with my ex gave me vague of contradicting answers so I wasn't able to piece together exactly why it all happened. I talked with my parents, a lot! The more I heard my own words the more my brain was able to paint a picture of the situation in my head. My parents, and friends, also brought things to my attention that weren't healthy in the relationship. The things that maybe only someone on the outside could see. I started to see flaws in my ex's character. Flaws that were sabotaging the relationship. Not only that, but they were flaws that were bringing out flaws in me. It all showed me how the relationship got into the state that it was. The only thing it didn't tell me was why she decided to leave suddenly, rather than talk it through and fight for the relationship, but I had worked out enough in my head for me to be satisfied.

 

As I said, the other is time. As time goes on and the emotions ease a little things get easier to see. You stop looking at things through rose tinted specs and start to see things as they really are. It makes the whole thing a lot easier. The other thing that time can do is make you not care about closure. The further you are away from the relationship and the less the ex means to you the more you start to 'not care'. You realise the answers are simply lost in time and, if like me, you become ok with that.

[Balzac]

That was a succinct n worthy description. We come to realizations about ourselves AND them.

[MyAngel]

I didn't get proper closure. And it bothered me for a long time. I wanted to send an email to say my goodbyes for "closure" but I never did. Kept putting it off. And a month later that urge to send it is gone. It's too late now anyway. She would have moved on well and truly.

[sadpanda87]

i think its both.

 

i've had the pleasure of receiving a breakup email from my ex, whom i was planning to buy an engagement ring for shortly.

 

the 'final talk' is important if you need you accept the fact that things are done, its over and time to move on.

 

the real closure is from yourself, you really understand why things happen, or understand that you dont need to know why it happened and it is no longer important to you

[LostGirl11]

Hardly anybody gets closure. Just let go and accept the messyness of it all.

[stevie_23]

Came to realization and acceptance of what I control. Expecting a dumper, cheater or otherwise inadequate love interest to explain away their reasons for bad behavior, or simple lack of continued love, not logical.

I understand one's need to get it but once you've realized the futility in giving the other person that kind of power, closure is your's.

 

I fully agree with this.

 

Also, time is the only real healer I think. In time, and as you heal and move further away and gain some distance from the accute sense of pain and abandonment, you find less of a need for closure. It simply doesn't matter as much as you know it won't really help you anymore.

[Anela]

I wish I'd never gone for "closure", or trying to be friends. I was better off when we weren't in touch at all.

[Mr.White]

The 'finaltalk' really just screwed with my head a lot more.

 

I finally got closure when I saw a picture of her and the guy she told me was just a 'friend' (a week or possibly a few weeks after the break up).

 

Time has helped me heal, friends have definitely been a huge help as I go out and have fun, meet new girls, form new friendships, do social activities both new and old.

 

Family has actually been very supportive and because they actually make fun of how they want this specific type of girl for me and how they did not think she fit into that mold or into the family.

 

It is funny how quickly family show their true opinion of your ex after you guys break up. XD

 

Now that I am back in school it has helped me focus on my work, takes my time to study and now I have a new wave of girls in class, I am going to make my move on this Asian girl in my class.

 

See how school has helped me? I even forget about my ex for a few hours at times now that some time has passed on from the break up.

[sadpanda87]

there you go bud. so very true about that family - ex opinion comment!

 

take it easy, dont rush off to a rebound too fast ;]

[NoMoreJerks]

My final conversation with my ex gave me vague of contradicting answers so I wasn't able to piece together exactly why it all happened.

Same here. I never got closure, even though we "talked" and he gave me some vague reasons (a bunch of them) as to why he couldn't have a relationship (with me? in general? I don't know). He then mixed these excuses with a barrage of accusations about how I was moody, selfish, needy, etc. I wasn't sure if it was THAT, or if it was HIS issues/priorities... or both. Or if it was none of that, and there was some other reason that he wasn't disclosing.. It didn't help that he did all this over text, I couldn't even type properly because I was crying and my hands were shaking. He didn't even answer the phone when I tried to call him during the break-up texting... He said "I don't want to talk now, what's the point?" I just gave up, didn't fight it. But I still don't have closure, even knowing that he was a very messed up person and that he will never have a normal relationship because of his personality disorders.

 

For me, analyzing the situation did not help much. I knew all that. I knew that the relationship wasn't a healthy one, that he was not emotionally/mentally healthy, that he was abusive. I knew all that. But I can't be rational about my feelings.

 

I miss him. What hurts most of all is not that HE left me, but that someone I trusted and loved, left me. I have had major fears of abandonment since I was a kid, because of a dysfunctional family . My parents never got divorced even though they quarrelled every day. But every time they argued (which often got physical - my dad often had anger problems and could get physically violent ), I used to start crying and worry that I was going to be abandoned by both of my parents, because they both seemed so consumed by their argument that they didn't even pay any attention to the fact that I was crying.. And my ex (my first bf, the guy I lost my virginity to 6 months ago, at the age of 29) abandoned me. That hurt. It still hurts. I don't think the hurt will go away, ever. I don't think I will go into another relationship in a healthy way.

 

I wish schoolwork could take my mind off all this, but it's not helping. In fact, I have been procrastinating on my own work and my job (research), have trouble concentrating, and every time I sit down to work, I burst out crying, think about him, or just don't feel like facing my responsibilities , or a new day..

Edited January 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mr.White]

Same here. I never got closure, even though we "talked" and he gave me some vague reasons (a bunch of them) as to why he couldn't have a relationship (with me? in general? I don't know). He then mixed these excuses with a barrage of accusations about how I was moody, selfish, needy, etc. I wasn't sure if it was THAT, or if it was HIS issues/priorities... or both. Or if it was none of that, and there was some other reason that he wasn't disclosing.. It didn't help that he did all this over text, didn't even answer the phone when I tried to call him during the break-up texting... He said "I don't want to talk now, what's the point?" I just gave up, didn't fight it. But I still don't have closure, even knowing that he was a very messed up person and that he will never have a normal relationship because of his personality disorders.

 

For me, analyzing the situation did not help much. I knew all that. I knew that the relationship wasn't a healthy one, that he was not emotionally/mentally healthy, that he was abusive. I knew all that. But I can't be rational about my feelings.

 

I miss him. What hurts most of all is not that HE left me, but that someone I trusted and loved, left me. I have had major fears of abandonment since I was a kid, because of a dysfunctional family . My parents never got divorced even though they quarrelled every day. But every time they argued (which often got physical - my dad often had anger problems and could get physically violent ), I used to start crying and worry that I was going to be abandoned by both of my parents, because they both seemed so consumed by their argument that they didn't even pay any attention to the fact that I was crying.. And my ex (my first bf, the guy I lost my virginity to 6 months ago, at the age of 29) abandoned me. That hurt. It still hurts. I don't think the hurt will go away, ever. I don't think I will go into another relationship in a healthy way.

 

Try not to think in a negative way. As an old saying goes 'you are only as old as you feel', your mood dictates your view and vice versa.

 

Look at it positively, the hurt will slowly subside. You will go into another relationship, possibly with some baggage but do not keep that negative mindset. Positive vibes!

[fiat500]

time usually helps. the pain eventually grows dull. sometimes you just have to accept that the person you dated was a coward and didn't give much thought to you when it came to parting ways and they were only thinking of themselves.

 

the truth about closure is that the dumpee really wants to still feel significant to the dumper in some way. they want to hear something nice from the dumper so they don't feel like the discarded garbage they were treated as.

 

you still see your dumper through rose colored glasses when you seek closure. i read somewhere that when a person ends things with you, it can actually make you like them even more.

 

it's purely psychological. being in love triggers the same areas in the brain that are also triggered when you have an addiction. so when someone dumps you suddenly (there is no such thing as sudden to the dumper. they've been selfishly thinking of dumping you for a while and not talking to you about it because they are childish) it can make you feel like you're going through a withdrawal.

 

 

if you were really hurt, the real closure is that you want the dumper to say "yeah. i fell out of love with you and stopped liking you." as if it will somehow free you from holding on to hope.. but they never will. and hearing them say that will only bring up more questions. eventually you come to the realization that you dated an immature person. it's you shutting the book on them and not caring anymore.

Edited January 12, 2013 by fiat500

[portableversion]

 

 

 

It is funny how quickly family show their true opinion of your ex after you guys break up. XD

 

.

 

Yeah ive had this from my family, after my divorce, heard all kinds of stuff, they were like there is something wrong with her we were all so amazed that you stayed with her for so long, even before you were married to her she just did not seem right, they also said other things to help.

 

Of course others have come outright and said dude shes a psycho, even my sponsor told me she was nuts, quite afew have told me shes psychotic and needs serious help...too bad so sad that i fell for her

[portableversion]

in addition, as more time has gone by and my sponsor has learned more of this stuff, hes come out and told me that she stunted me as a human being, he said she has held me back in growing up into an adult. The therapist really dropped the hammer by explaining to me that shes actually a violent and abusive person and she continues to abuse me even now. He said she got some serious issues which she needs to work on shes probably never gonna do it so ive just got to learn how to deal with her and not get furthur damaged in the process. oh geez.......... SIGH. The therapist says she offers no respect at all she set the agenda with little or no consideration for others.

folks keep asking me if i think shes a good mother, they raise their eyebrows when i say yeah sure, they worry about my kids, i guess to a certain extent i do too, not much i can do about it but stay alive for the boys so they can have a safe place to retreat to. SOme of my teachers predict as the years go by the boys will come running to me to get away from her psychosis.