mkrainy Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 This is my first post. My husband and I met almost four years ago through our common friend in a trip to Las Vegas. We dated for two years and married for 1.5 years. I was living in Canada that time and he was living in California. We talked alot during the trip and we kept chatting after we both returned to our home. I flight to California two times before I finally decided to relocate there. He was working in Sacramento by that time, and therefore, I decided to take a master degree in San Francisco so we could see each other during the weekend. After I finished my degree, I then tried to find a job in states. However, since I am not America, I had hard time to land a job. Therefore, we argued alot and I blamed him for bringing me that kind of situation. We argued alot about getting married and finally we decided to get married in Las Vegas. Since we were not having enough money to have wedding soon and therefore, I only told my parent. My parent were the only people know the situation. I got my green card after getting married to him and at the same time he got in a very prestige MBA program in east coast. I had lived in east coast before and I didn't like it. However, since we agreed that we need an MBA in order to move back to Asia, and so we seem to have no other option. I moved to east coast with him last year. Throughout the whole year, I was in a depressed because I didn't have any friend and he was busy all the time in school. I was lucky enough to land a job, but I still wanted to move back to Asia where my parent were. We had some on and off fight but we were good during the normal time. He had internship program from June to Dec and so we were doing long distance for 2 months and I quit my job and went to Europe to visit him. On October, since I thought his MBA going to finish on 2013 april and we were planing to move back to Asia and so I went back to Asia earlier. After I left, we start to have big fight on the job and location. He got many good offers in states but I was not willing to relocate back there and I kept pushing him to choose the job offer in Asia. I pushed him everyday, but he still indecisive on the job he wanted to pick. Until Dec 21, he finished his internship and went back home to Chicago. We had huge flight before he went home and so we agreed we would stop talking for few days. However, I had no impatient and so I was mad that he didn't give me any message when he back home and so I start to send text msg to yell at him and said divorce...etc On 24, he finally replied me and said there was nothing to talk anymore and we talked enough. He wanted a divorce. After that, we talked few times and he was still very consistence on the divorce decision. We talked on the phone before Jan 1, and he still agreed we would go to marriage counseling and we promised I won't call him before Jan 20. Nonetheless, I failed again and I messaged him on Jan 1 and saying I miss him. I am not sure rather that's the huge mistake that I made again, because after Jan 1, he sent me an email saying that he's happy without me in his life and he would be like that in the future. He said we had nothing to talk and we tried so many times, nothing will change or work. He would only response to the divorce issue through email. No phone call/face talk. I was very upset and I kept saying sorry to him during that period. Until yesterday, he finally returned my call. We had very calm and peaceful talk. He still thought he made the right decision and he wanted to process the divorce. He said he could not breath when he was in our relationship. His life may be sad without me, but at least he didn't need to die. He could still breath, eat and live. He said staying with me will make him die. He agreed to meet up with me by the end of the month, but he said it would not change his decision and that's just a last goodbye for us. He said keep talking between us will only make us emotional and he didn't want me to drag him into emotional mode again. Therefore, if I couldn't control my emotional and drag him, he would start to be mean to me. Sorry it's a very long story. However, I truly regret to keep pushing him to move back to Asia and giving him so much pressure. What could I do to make things work out if he already made up his mind? Is this no return? Could i able to reconcile if we really legally separated? Is the seeing in person different from the phone? We haven't met for 2.5 months before Dec 24...will it make any different to talk in person? He only gives me a weekend to visit him in USA and now I am in Asia. Thank you for any advice. I am totally heart broken in the past three weeks. I didn't know what to do and almost went insane.
tojaz Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Mk, to me it sounds like things were ok when you were willing to follow him all across the globe while he chased his dreams, but things took an immediate U-turn when you started entertaining some of your own wants and opinions on which way your lives together should go. This guy wasn't ready for marriage.... still isn't. TOJAZ 2
Author mkrainy Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Tojaz thank you for your comment. I kind of have the same feeling too. I think we were still young. He was 26 and I was 27. I think he couldn't handle the pressure and he felt he can't breath now. He felt live without me he can at least breath a bit.... He agreed to meet up for an weekend to say goodbye..and he said he would only meet up if I didn't get emotional and won't drag him back to emotional stage.... so there is no help for this marriage?
M30USA Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Mk, to me it sounds like things were ok when you were willing to follow him all across the globe while he chased his dreams, but things took an immediate U-turn when you started entertaining some of your own wants and opinions on which way your lives together should go. This guy wasn't ready for marriage.... still isn't. TOJAZ Did SHE not feel the same way when she was away from her parents and friends? Sounds like two people from opposite parts of globe have an uphill battle. One person will always be unhappy. If at least one person isn't ok with this, the marriage won't work.
Mack05 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I think its hard to see a way back here. You both want different things and there doesn't seem room for that magic word 'compromise'. Even if you said you are willing to move to where he wants, you will still eventually end up unhappy and he might not be even willing to try anymore. There seems to be a lot of immaturity on both sides. It seemed you were both making demands of each other and thats no way to make a healthy relationship work. You are either both 'a team' and have similar hopes and dreams, or you want different things. Clearly both of you are not on the same page and want different things. Where can the compromise be achieved? This is something you can't force. You cant compromise if it means one of you ends up miserable in the long run. While it hurts like hell right now, I get the feeling you are saving a lot of heartbreak in the future. You are still young with your whole life in front of you. I think its better to spend you life with a person who wants the same things as you do. Relationships where they are demands and where things are being forced are not fun. Every man is different but if it were my dream girl, if I was sure she was 'the one' I'd move anywhere to be with her and make her happy. Something to think about... Edited January 11, 2013 by Mack05
tojaz Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Tojaz thank you for your comment. I kind of have the same feeling too. I think we were still young. He was 26 and I was 27. I think he couldn't handle the pressure and he felt he can't breath now. He felt live without me he can at least breath a bit.... He agreed to meet up for an weekend to say goodbye..and he said he would only meet up if I didn't get emotional and won't drag him back to emotional stage.... so there is no help for this marriage? Unfortunately, the only way for there to be help is with two people who are receptive to wanting to reconcile, and he is running from that possibility as fast as he can. Him putting the condition of you not "pulling him back into the emotional state" should tell you all that you need to know. While he probably wasn't always, he is now a very cold and selfish man who is only worried about his own well being. He gives no respect to the emotional toll and the burdens he has put you under. Had I been asked I would say to forgo meeting with him at all, the person you will be saying goodbye to will not be anybody you will miss, that person has already checked out I'm afraid, and i don't think it would be as pleasant an experience as you hope. He is all about self preservation right now and I would suggest you take a similar stance to spare yourself any more hurt. Your rejecting his offer and showing your ready to move on might shock him into taking a good hard look at his actions, but sadly that is a long shot based on how you have described him. Sorry MK, wish I could be of more help, but i think your focus needs to be on the healing process now. Did SHE not feel the same way when she was away from her parents and friends? Sounds like two people from opposite parts of globe have an uphill battle. One person will always be unhappy. If at least one person isn't ok with this, the marriage won't work. I don't see that as a given in any marriage, be it from across the globe or across the street. Marriage/Relationships are about compromise, balance, and yes at times sacrifice. That doesn't have to be one sided and it certainly doesn't mean one person will be doomed to being unhappy. Marriage is what you make of it, MK's husband chose to make it into a prison, there are plenty of ways to avoid that, he chose to walk away when things got tough. That's on him. TOJAZ 1
Author mkrainy Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I know what TJ means by that....logically I tell myself to not see him by the end of the month because I know probably nothing will change. However, emotionally, I miss him alot since we haven't met up for 3 months and I hope by meeting up, he might soften a little bit. Since like his mind is pretty making up and reject me from having any influence. I felt so upset that we argued alot in the past three months and it just escalate until today's stage. He said he loved me differently from before, even he got emotional sometimes, but his direction won't change. Thank you for you guys reply, seem like...divorce is pretty the only way to go.:(:(
tojaz Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Thank you for you guys reply, seem like...divorce is pretty the only way to go.:(:( Nah, it's not the only way to go, it's just one of many many options. Just to him it seems the easiest option. He has a lot to learn. Don't set your mind to doom and gloom, just make the best decisions for MK and let the situation become what it will become. Theres a reason why threads run on for weeks, months, and even years at times.... stories like this are rarely cut and dry, rarely black and white. Protect yourself the best you can and just let the rest play out. TOJAZ
2sunny Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 If you stay married are you saying that you will live in the US and never ask him to move to Asia again?
trippi1432 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Really TJ? Should someone really expend that much energy over someone who is being an ass? MK...other than let your HEART, not thread, go on for weeks and years yearning for a husband that is being a total jerk. Let him process it. Men are responsible for how they treat the women they love, if they aren't showing it, many others will.
Author mkrainy Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I told him I only wanted to move back to Asia for few years, then later on in my life, I will want to raise my kid in America. However, he doesn't believe in that. He thinks that once he moves back to Asia, he will stuck here and the chance of moving back in almost closed to zero. He also mentioned that wife career is not as important as husband, and in Asia, he would have no friends and family. He did change his mind on 21 dec, and said that I was more important than his job and he thought he would give it a try. However, later on as I mentioned in earlier post, he start to emphasis that it's not the job problem. He thought we had more problem eg. location, value and family and so we would not work out and we tried many times. I gave up alot in the past four years, and I think I love him alot that I am willing to give up more for him. However, I just feel that he is selfish and he doesn't want to give up any bit for me. He is not even willing to try to live in Asia to see rather or not he will like it. He just rejected the idea at the beginning. Does he not love me enough or that's how men function? I start to recover a little bit after this week. It's been three weeks since the day he told me he's not going to try anymore. After that, he's been very mean and also told me he's happier without me in his life and he didn't want to be emotional anymore. He rejected to pick up call and always told me he had nothing to talk to me. There was not much communication. Only me keep sending the message. I felt so tired of that. I was blaming on myself at the beginning, now I start to feel my hate to him. He could have do the divorce in a more nicer manner but he keep pushing me to speed up the process. However, I think there is no 3rd person involve in the relationship.
trippi1432 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I agree with a lot that Tojaz has stated, especially that your husband is not ready for marriage. No, that's not fair to you. The only thing you can do at this point is process it for what it is, move on and not chase him. Just process your emotions and, if I were in your shoes, I would give him the divorce and move on. You can't sit back and dwell in the what if's in this situation. He sounds extremely selfish and would only make you unhappy. You do need to focus on healing for yourself right now, but be easy on yourself and don't dwell on the what if's and what you could have done different. None of that matters now except for you to heal.
tojaz Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I told him I only wanted to move back to Asia for few years, then later on in my life, I will want to raise my kid in America. However, he doesn't believe in that. He thinks that once he moves back to Asia, he will stuck here and the chance of moving back in almost closed to zero. He also mentioned that wife career is not as important as husband, and in Asia, he would have no friends and family. He did change his mind on 21 dec, and said that I was more important than his job and he thought he would give it a try. However, later on as I mentioned in earlier post, he start to emphasis that it's not the job problem. He thought we had more problem eg. location, value and family and so we would not work out and we tried many times. I gave up alot in the past four years, and I think I love him alot that I am willing to give up more for him. However, I just feel that he is selfish and he doesn't want to give up any bit for me. He is not even willing to try to live in Asia to see rather or not he will like it. He just rejected the idea at the beginning. Does he not love me enough or that's how men function? I start to recover a little bit after this week. It's been three weeks since the day he told me he's not going to try anymore. After that, he's been very mean and also told me he's happier without me in his life and he didn't want to be emotional anymore. He rejected to pick up call and always told me he had nothing to talk to me. There was not much communication. Only me keep sending the message. I felt so tired of that. I was blaming on myself at the beginning, now I start to feel my hate to him. He could have do the divorce in a more nicer manner but he keep pushing me to speed up the process. However, I think there is no 3rd person involve in the relationship. No MK, thats not how all men function, but it can be how some people of both genders choose to conduct themselves. It is selfish and relationships with people like that usually turn out to be very one sided. Much like what you have described. His actions tell you all you need to know, and to me it sounds like he has treated you more as an accessory to his life rather then a valued partner in it. Even how he has conducted himself so far is all about creating the easiest path for himself with no thought of the damage he is lewaving behind. If thats him and how your life is going to be with him, then your better off, even though I know it hurts like hell right now. TOJAZ
Author mkrainy Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 everyone is telling me to move on , even myself is trying to do it. Everyone told me he didn't love me as much as I did to him and i should fine equal love. However i just couldn't stop my mind and keep thinking about him. I just sent email told him i am not going to need up in states but my mind changes every hour. Haven't seem him for three months..I.truly miss him.:(
tojaz Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 everyone is telling me to move on , even myself is trying to do it. Everyone told me he didn't love me as much as I did to him and i should fine equal love. However i just couldn't stop my mind and keep thinking about him. I just sent email told him i am not going to need up in states but my mind changes every hour. Haven't seem him for three months..I.truly miss him.:( Its very easy for a person removed from the situation to tell you to move on. Most of the people here have been in the same situation, and we know that it's easy to say but very difficult to live up to. The fact that you miss him shows that you honestly loved him, but it makes this process all the more taxing. Stay strong and take a little comfort in knowing that you did all you could to love him. You deserve that kind of love in return, but he's just not capable of that right now. TOJAZ
Author mkrainy Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 talking to him today about the process and asked him why can't we try again...he said we tried four years and it won't work..he want breath and he felt pressure being with me...he couldn't be himself. we staying together will make him die. He said personality wont change and he has been thinking about it for the past six months and did gave up
tojaz Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 talking to him today about the process and asked him why can't we try again...he said we tried four years and it won't work..he want breath and he felt pressure being with me...he couldn't be himself. we staying together will make him die. He said personality wont change and he has been thinking about it for the past six months and did gave up MK, thats all WAS (Walk Away Spouse) speak for..... "Trying is too hard and I want the easy/fast way out" There is no bargaining with him, and trying to make him see the light is just going to keep your own wounds open. Take it from a guy who hear all of those words almost verbatim. The more you push right now, the harder and faster he will run in the other direction, and the harsher and more cruel he will be towards you to help create that space. He has already decided that this is a hopeless cause and all of his energy is being spent defending that. If anything, it will take a very drastic epiphany for him to see anything different, and that is not going to come from you. Save yourself some heartache, he's not going to give you the answers your after. Sorry TOJAZ
Author mkrainy Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 I dont know why he keep challenging my limit. Today I said maybe we could talk about spouse support. I didn't mean I very need it. If he offered, then I might not even accept it. However, after few hours, he paid the current month credit card and asked to close to card. He told me few days ago on the phone that he would take care the card until we legally separated and now he asked to close the card. Just like the spouse support, he used to say he would give me certain amount and now he seem to not willing to pay a penny and said he didn't owe me anything. I just feeling upset not because of the money but the way he became a person that I didn't even know. I didn't understand why even he wanted the divorce, he could change to become a very mean and cruel person.
tojaz Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I dont know why he keep challenging my limit. Today I said maybe we could talk about spouse support. I didn't mean I very need it. If he offered, then I might not even accept it. However, after few hours, he paid the current month credit card and asked to close to card. He told me few days ago on the phone that he would take care the card until we legally separated and now he asked to close the card. Just like the spouse support, he used to say he would give me certain amount and now he seem to not willing to pay a penny and said he didn't owe me anything. I just feeling upset not because of the money but the way he became a person that I didn't even know. I didn't understand why even he wanted the divorce, he could change to become a very mean and cruel person. Its just his way of keeping the fight going. If it wasn't that it would be something else. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 MK - Have you talked to a lawyer yet about the legal separation and divorce? It sounds like he is cutting off financial support to you which means he probably has and was advised to close accounts so you don't run them up and leave a lot of marital debt. Don't get hung up in what he "used" to say about spousal support, look at what he does now that he wants out. That's very telling. Another bit of advice, don't allow him to continue talking to you the way he has, it's borderline abusive. He doesn't want the marriage, you get that, but he doesn't need to be so disrespectful of what you felt the marriage was. It's more a reflection of his lack of commitment and inability to be married rather anything you have done. 1
Author mkrainy Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 After all these days of begging/texting/emailing...I think I am getting tired of it. Ｉ truly do not want to give up my marriage that easy. Spouse support or anything is not that important. However, he seem becoming the person ｔｈａｔ Ｉ don't recognize at all. I guess for him, I only gave him all those bad memories and pressure that he would never want to think about it. I am going to find a lawyer myself and I guess I should not expect we would have a face talk before the divorce finalized. We haven't met each other for 3 months and the divorce was only informed by text/email. I still couldn't accept the fact until now...
tojaz Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 After all these days of begging/texting/emailing...I think I am getting tired of it. . There you go! You have a right to be treated the way you deserve and although most of us here have done it, nobody should have to beg someone to love them. TOJAZ 2
Author mkrainy Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 It's been 2 days that I start to stop talking to him....I think I know it takes him few months to finally decided the divorce according to him..but why he could change to become a cruel person in few days...He told me he didn't owe me anything and I was deciding on everything. He hate my personalities etc.....after all those years moving and relocating, stay in USA for him...he thinks it's nothing....and changed to become a total different person...Is that just normal for people going through divorce
tojaz Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 It's been 2 days that I start to stop talking to him....I think I know it takes him few months to finally decided the divorce according to him..but why he could change to become a cruel person in few days...He told me he didn't owe me anything and I was deciding on everything. He hate my personalities etc.....after all those years moving and relocating, stay in USA for him...he thinks it's nothing....and changed to become a total different person...Is that just normal for people going through divorce It is typical for a WAS. Like I said before, it is a way for him to keep the fight going. If he is mean and cold to you, then he can see you as an adversary, and that makes it easier for him to remain resolute in his decision. His treatment of you really has nothing to do with you, it is a reflection of his own weaknesses. He is unable to maintain a mature relationship with you, he is unable to maintain a life balance and share his life with another person so he has to run, but he needs something to be running from... so he created it for himself. Don't take any of his nonsense to heart, it is just a reflection of his own cowardice. Let the legal system decide what you deserve, talking to him will not get you anything but more vile treatment. TOJAZ
Author mkrainy Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Even though I cut off all the contact with him, I think I just couldn't get my mind off on having these kind of treatment from my ex after all those years of sacrifice on my job, dream and time and he just walked away without feeling guilty or owing me anything. Being very cruel and rude to me....give up all my friends and family moving to other country, financially support him and give up my dream job for him...How I desire this kind of treatment from him.
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