noble Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 well, you know the usual set up. love my boyfriend. been together 4.5 years. I am a very anxious/insecure person, having a lot to do with my upbringing. this has made me into the sort of girlfriend who is always worried about the relationship, and constantly wanting reassurance in the form of affirmative words and an affectionate touch. this is my longest relationship, and i always secretly worry about how we are going to sustain it and wanting to make sure it stays "fresh" and "good". its really hard for me to NOT worry. when I address these worries to my boyfriend, he gets annoyed and feels like I am worrying needlessly over nothing. Anyways, the past few weeks I feel like we are having sex less, and I don't like it. I brought it up to him tonight, and we had a very frank talk about it. This isn't the first time I've brought it up to him (or complained) and he said that me pressuring him about sex has sort of turned him off to it, and made it "not fun" because he feels all this stress and like I am disappointed. This makes sense. He also said that I am the "masturbation police" because I get mad at him for masturbating. Mostly because if he does masturbate, then he is essentially done for the day, and I feel slighted. I would like to have sex AT least 3-4 times a week. He says that me stating this is basically scheduling sex, and sorta takes the fun out of it. Although it bums me out, I see where he is coming from. I'm very sexual, and I feel like he takes for granted that I'm always willing. Even if I'm not in the mood to have sex, and he is, I usually go along with it because I know i'll end up enjoying it. ANYWAYS, I want to lay off of him and make sex "fun" again for him, by easing up. I just need some advise about how to back off. I'm scared that if i drop the subject completely it'll seem suspicious... I want to give him the chance to revive the fun aspect of our sex life. How do I do this? My boyfriend swears that me complaining about this has not hurt his feelings, but i know he is sensitive and of course it has to hurt. I dunno what to do. I'm just so horny and I want him to want me. He says he does want me, and still finds me attractive, but that me constantly complaining about our lack of sex has really turned him off. Help please!
MrWindupBird Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Some people, for whatever reason, enjoy intimacy and sex more than others. Myself, I could spend hours every day swimming in the sheets. My wife, though, she often treats it like a chore anymore and just wants to get it over with. The fact that he masturbates while you're saying you're not satisfied, is a troubling concern to me. I know many men would disagree and insist they're separate activities, but I don't believe that. You shouldn't negate your needs and accept a lack of fulfillment. There's nothing wrong with being a sexual person, just like there's nothing wrong with being a less-sexual person. It's just all about compatibility. Your restlessness could be foreshadowing to future inclinations toward looking outside the relationship, but I don't want to assume anything with you, and it's not my place to really pronounce that. I would just talk to him and ask if there's a reason he's so standoffish. If you want to jumpstart the sex, then surprise attacks work pretty well. When my wife knows I'm feeling the distance between her and I due to how she is, she uses this to show she cares. Try jumping in the shower with him and maybe giving him OS. Try to surprise him while you're out with doing it in the car. Don't announce it beforehand, and maybe it would create the spontaneity you're trying to achieve. Good luck to you.
Treasa Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'd have no problems over a boyfriend masturbating. In fact, it really turns me on. Now, if it replaced sex with me, that would be a deal-breaker. Aside from a medical condition, I couldn't be with a guy without much of a sex drive. Did it twice, NEVER doing it again. 1
Prada Class Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm just so horny You're still feeling like this after 4.5 years in the same relationship... nice. 'Anyway my name's Fabian... I'm 21 with a sexy British accent, really nice abs and a fast car.. just saying
KungFuJoe Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 well, you know the usual set up. love my boyfriend. been together 4.5 years. I am a very anxious/insecure person, having a lot to do with my upbringing. this has made me into the sort of girlfriend who is always worried about the relationship, and constantly wanting reassurance in the form of affirmative words and an affectionate touch. this is my longest relationship, and i always secretly worry about how we are going to sustain it and wanting to make sure it stays "fresh" and "good". its really hard for me to NOT worry. when I address these worries to my boyfriend, he gets annoyed and feels like I am worrying needlessly over nothing. Anyways, the past few weeks I feel like we are having sex less, and I don't like it. I brought it up to him tonight, and we had a very frank talk about it. This isn't the first time I've brought it up to him (or complained) and he said that me pressuring him about sex has sort of turned him off to it, and made it "not fun" because he feels all this stress and like I am disappointed. This makes sense. He also said that I am the "masturbation police" because I get mad at him for masturbating. Mostly because if he does masturbate, then he is essentially done for the day, and I feel slighted. I would like to have sex AT least 3-4 times a week. He says that me stating this is basically scheduling sex, and sorta takes the fun out of it. Although it bums me out, I see where he is coming from. I'm very sexual, and I feel like he takes for granted that I'm always willing. Even if I'm not in the mood to have sex, and he is, I usually go along with it because I know i'll end up enjoying it. ANYWAYS, I want to lay off of him and make sex "fun" again for him, by easing up. I just need some advise about how to back off. I'm scared that if i drop the subject completely it'll seem suspicious... I want to give him the chance to revive the fun aspect of our sex life. How do I do this? My boyfriend swears that me complaining about this has not hurt his feelings, but i know he is sensitive and of course it has to hurt. I dunno what to do. I'm just so horny and I want him to want me. He says he does want me, and still finds me attractive, but that me constantly complaining about our lack of sex has really turned him off. Help please! This is the hardest "issue" to solve in a relationship. There could be a million and one reasons why the sex is declining. However, the ONE thing that stands out is that he's masturbating instead of having sex with you. THAT is a red flag in my book. Is he masturbating when you're available or is it when you're away and won't be back for a while?
umirano Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I totally get your BF's perspective. Being pushed for sex is a big turn off. I don't know whether you know this, but for a man, if he's not in the mood, sex is a really tiring exercise, and an embarrassing one too (how to get it hard when not being turned on?). So yeah, if you want your sex life to improve, back the f off. How to back off? Just tell him that you figured that you won't be pushy anymore for both of you to enjoy sex more (quality, and possibly quantity). Then he knows where the wind is blowing from. And finally, observe what happens. If frequency and fun go up in your sex life, you know you did the right thing. If after 8-12 weeks still no improvement happens, you should ask yourself whether there is another reason for his diminishing sex drive. Good luck!
Author noble Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 He tells me that he's not masturbating much at all. The past week he's been sick, and not feeling well. Yesterday he finally started to feel better in the morning, but I had to go to work. He made a comment about wanting to have sex with me, but I was literally walking out the door to drive to work, otherwise I would have gladly stayed in bed with him all day. So then when I got off work, turns out he couldn't wait and he went ahead and masturbated. But he said that he masturbated because it had been four days of him being sick and not having sex/masturbating, and he was antsy and home alone all day. So it's not that he's choosing to masturbate rather than have sex with me at all, but it just works out that way sometimes if Im unavailable. In fact, he says he hardly ever masturbates because he'd rather wait to have real sex with me. I hope that's a good sign. But I just have been a little frustrated the past two weeks with the amount we've been doing it. In fact, up until recently we were still doing it quite regularly (4 or so times a week) and we pretty baffled that all our friends in long term relationships weren't. He says though that me complaining about lack of sex lately is annoying him and taking all the fun out of it I just dont know how to voice what I want without complaining. I'm just frustrated, I guess. We argued about it last night, and I had horrible sleep all night dreaming about him leaving me to go have sex with other girls.
salparadise Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 He tells me that he's not masturbating much at all. The past week he's been sick, and not feeling well. Yesterday he finally started to feel better in the morning, but I had to go to work. He made a comment about wanting to have sex with me, but I was literally walking out the door to drive to work, otherwise I would have gladly stayed in bed with him all day. So your complaint is the lack of sex over the past two weeks, but he's been sick for a week? Consider the possibility that he also wasn't up to speed the week prior if he was about to come down with something. A man's sex drive naturally ebbs and flows as well. I suggest you look back several months and if it was happening regularly over most of that time I wouldn't be ringing the alarm bell about the past two weeks. And you are correct that pressuring him to perform on demand will have the opposite effect of what you're hoping for. My suggestion is to not be demanding, but be affirming, affectionate and playful. Smile and laugh with him and focus on connectedness. Stroke his ego some but do so in very subtle ways that wont' be apparent or come off as disingenuous. These are the things that will get his hormones flowing for you.
Author noble Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Salparadise, I know youre probably right. Maybe it isn't as big of a deal as Im blowing it up to be, but I always tend to blow things up or take things personally. Me blowing this up I think has really hurt him and pushed him even farther away than I intended. Your advice about being lowkey and affectionate is great, I'm just scared that I am going to screw it up, or that it wont turn things back around. He said me complaining about sex has made sex lately seem "not fun". I asked him, if I stopped complaining, would his natural interest return. He said "probably".. I just need some advice about this. If any guys have experienced a gf nagging for sex, and if their desire returned after she stopped asking for it as much. Also, I want to be sweet and affectionate and not pressure him for sex, but also want to make it clear that i am available for sex if hes in the mood. I don't want to be aloof. I need help figuring that out.
mitchell Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Well, put the fun back into sex. Wake him up with blowjobs. Invite him into the shower with you. Do a striptease for him. Buy a new sex toy and ask him to use it on you. Any new positions you want to try? Do something daring like anal if it's not in your normal repertoire. Use your imagination to keep things fresh and stimulating!
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I think I'd lay off shaming him for masturbating. That stands out as something that could really turn a person off of another person. 1
Author noble Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I think I'd lay off shaming him for masturbating. That stands out as something that could really turn a person off of another person. Yeah, I know. Honestly I don't really "shame" him. I mean, just last night I was asking him what fantasies from porn does he like, so he can incoporate them into our sex life. What comes across as "shaming" him is my disappointment. See, my boyfriend has a pretty long refractory period (I think).. So if he masturbates during the day, then he is done sexually for the day and wont get horny til the next day. So sometimes I'll be at work all day waiting til I get to have sex with him, really looking forward to it, only to find out that he got bored/horny and couldn't wait anymore. Then I feel disappointed because I feel like him masturbating took away my opportunity to have sex, as well. So I guess I can see how it is shaming him, but if the shoe was on the other foot I think he'd understand. If he was horny, and I masturbated and was no longer interested in sex, I think he'd feel like I had been a little selfish about it. I mean, it is HIS body, but sex is good and bonding for our relationship. If he is horny, I'd prefer he wait a few hours to have sex with me. and Usually, he does. But sometimes if it's been a few days, then the urge in him is too strong and he just doesn't want to wait. I dunno, it's a bit frustrating. I masturbate too, but the more I am sexual with him, or myself, the more I want it. so masturbating on my end doesn't really mean I don't want to do it with him later. In fact, sometimes it can get me more ready and excited for him.
carhill Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Incompatible sexual styles and, to some extent, emotional styles as well, would be my opinion, presuming this has been going on longer than 'the past few weeks'. If in fact it's a recent change, then it's a good test of the communication and compromise styles of the partners; the desire and ability of both partners to seek and achieve a satisfying middle ground which recaptures the dynamics which apparently existed during the ~4.5 years prior. Myself, if I were in such a situation with a spouse, I would ask for what I want, outside of the bedroom, and exemplify the behavior desired, then accept what happens subsequent as authentic. If no joy, within a reasonable timeline, perhaps a month or two, then it would be MC or a D. Life's too short.
Author noble Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Incompatible sexual styles and, to some extent, emotional styles as well, would be my opinion, presuming this has been going on longer than 'the past few weeks'. If in fact it's a recent change, then it's a good test of the communication and compromise styles of the partners; the desire and ability of both partners to seek and achieve a satisfying middle ground which recaptures the dynamics which apparently existed during the ~4.5 years prior. Myself, if I were in such a situation with a spouse, I would ask for what I want, outside of the bedroom, and exemplify the behavior desired, then accept what happens subsequent as authentic. If no joy, within a reasonable timeline, perhaps a month or two, then it would be MC or a D. Life's too short. It's only been going on for a few weeks, maybe three weeks tops. So it's not a pattern. What is so alarming about it is that our sex has always been super compatible and very frequent. We would always joke about how out of all of our friends we were definitely having the most sex, and regularly. and I loved it, and he loved it. And we are both into fun/nasty sex, so we could really enjoy being with each other and it was fun. I still very much enjoy performing oral sex on him, and I know he does too. So the sudden change is what is alarming, I suppose.. I dunno, I think maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. At least that is what he said when we talked about it last night. He also said that me asking for more sex or complaining that he doesn't "want me" has made him feel like he's just a piece of meat. Which he totally isn't. But he brought up a good point. He says that when he hounds me for sex I get upset and claim that's all he's interested, and then if he backs off, I get upset and say he doesn't want it. I sort of think the problem is mine. Goldi-sex. Too little, too much. I think what it is really about is my own insecurities as a person. I mean, to me sexual desire equates showing love. however, too much sexual desire to me translates as being only a "sex object".. So I've gotten myself into this sticky situation where he's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. It really isn't fair to him, I suppose. I'm investing how I feel about myself and our relationship based off how desirable I am to him, even though he shows me lots of affection/love. Also, when I've complained in the past about him not "doing enough for me" my boyfriend has pointed out that to him, his time is the biggest way he shows me that he loves me. And honestly, we spend about every single day together as soon as we're both off work. I guess he wouldn't be spending all his time with me if he didn't really love me and enjoy my company. Now I just feel stupid because I started an idiotic fight, and pushed him away and now he's annoyed.
salparadise Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 So sometimes I'll be at work all day waiting til I get to have sex with him, really looking forward to it, only to find out that he got bored/horny and couldn't wait anymore. You think he masturbates while you're at work because he so bored and horny he couldn't wait til you got home? Really? I don't think so. I think he does it because it's equally or more satisfying, controlled, stress-free and he doesn't have to worry about being judged. I think you seriously need to get off his case, make him feel great, and get into the flow instead of paddling against it.
Author noble Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 You think he masturbates while you're at work because he so bored and horny he couldn't wait til you got home? Really? I don't think so. I think he does it because it's equally or more satisfying, controlled, stress-free and he doesn't have to worry about being judged. I think you seriously need to get off his case, make him feel great, and get into the flow instead of paddling against it. Sal, I think you're probably right.. But how do I get off his case, and make him feel great?? HOWW?!?! I really want to repair the damage Ive done by being judging and hurtful..he's sensitive, and loves me. I think complaining about this has really wounded him, and I really want to fix that. I get the whole back off thing. But I'm the type of person who needs a little more indepth instruction. Should I back off entirely? Give me some details, from your expertise. From everyone thats posted, you sound the most like my boyfriend, so I feel he would be most inclined to agree with you.
carhill Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'll add, editorially, that a man can/may/will, absent other psychological/relationship dynamics, masturbate within a relationship simply due to it being the path of least resistance to 'freeing his mind'. It perhaps sounds selfish, but it (masturbation) is all about him; his timeline, his fantasies, his pleasures. This perhaps ties into aspects of salparadise's posting; if a man is feeling 'pressured', masturbation can become a coping mechanism and/or escape, especially if he chooses to not address his feelings of being pressured directly. That choice has consequences. The dynamic being explained here could be one of them. Worth exploring, if communication allows. Since he apparently shows love and desire in healthy non-sexual ways, and reading your further response, I'd suggest reading the book about the Five Love Languages, if not already done. It's a pretty good read, IMO. Good luck.
salparadise Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I get the whole back off thing. But I'm the type of person who needs a little more indepth instruction. Should I back off entirely? Give me some details I'm not sure if I can help you to understand how... what part of "back off" do you not understand? Yes, I mean back off completely, because you've already created a charged environment that needs to be compensated for, not just be somewhat less charged. I could tell you how to ride a bicycle but until you actually engage the process you'd never be able to. I said in a previous post that you should be affirming, affectionate and playful. Smile and laugh with him and focus on connectedness. Stroke his ego some but do so in subtle ways. I would add perhaps to show him some admiration and let him be masculine while you try to be feminine and perhaps even submissive. When you go to bed and it seems like sex is likely to happen, make him feel like you want HIM as opposed to just needing sex and wanting to use him as a dildo. Make it flow, tune into his groove. Make him feel like the only guy in the world who could turn you on. When I say make him feel like... I don't mean to say it to him, I mean to make him feel it. It's as much a way of being as anything you do overtly.
Bristolius Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Positive statements could be more effective for you getting what you want and for him to feel good instead of harassed. For example, once in a while, when sex won't happen, tell him how much you enjoyed your time together recently. You do it not to initiate sex, but simply to say something nice and remind him of good times. Another example. If one partner feels lonely, tell the other cheerfully, "It's so good to spend time with you." Rather than a petulant, "you're always at work." Simple. Not done often enough.
outsidethebox Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 This is just my opinion, I've not had any experience with someone like you (unfortunately), but in addition to what sal said, I think the word sex is the biggest problem. Just make out, have fun, be naughty about getting off with him whether he's up for it or not, ask him about his fantasies when he's breathing really hard, tell him some fantasies while you're breathing really hard, everything but did we have sex or not. It's not the destination, it's the journey.
charlietheginger Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 well, you know the usual set up. love my boyfriend. been together 4.5 years. I am a very anxious/insecure person, having a lot to do with my upbringing. this has made me into the sort of girlfriend who is always worried about the relationship, and constantly wanting reassurance in the form of affirmative words and an affectionate touch. this is my longest relationship, and i always secretly worry about how we are going to sustain it and wanting to make sure it stays "fresh" and "good". its really hard for me to NOT worry. when I address these worries to my boyfriend, he gets annoyed and feels like I am worrying needlessly over nothing. Anyways, the past few weeks I feel like we are having sex less, and I don't like it. I brought it up to him tonight, and we had a very frank talk about it. This isn't the first time I've brought it up to him (or complained) and he said that me pressuring him about sex has sort of turned him off to it, and made it "not fun" because he feels all this stress and like I am disappointed. This makes sense. He also said that I am the "masturbation police" because I get mad at him for masturbating. Mostly because if he does masturbate, then he is essentially done for the day, and I feel slighted. I would like to have sex AT least 3-4 times a week. He says that me stating this is basically scheduling sex, and sorta takes the fun out of it. Although it bums me out, I see where he is coming from. I'm very sexual, and I feel like he takes for granted that I'm always willing. Even if I'm not in the mood to have sex, and he is, I usually go along with it because I know i'll end up enjoying it. ANYWAYS, I want to lay off of him and make sex "fun" again for him, by easing up. I just need some advise about how to back off. I'm scared that if i drop the subject completely it'll seem suspicious... I want to give him the chance to revive the fun aspect of our sex life. How do I do this? My boyfriend swears that me complaining about this has not hurt his feelings, but i know he is sensitive and of course it has to hurt. I dunno what to do. I'm just so horny and I want him to want me. He says he does want me, and still finds me attractive, but that me constantly complaining about our lack of sex has really turned him off. Help please! Give him a blowjob everynight before bed and hop on his Penis. Problem solved
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