BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (Not that I'm a BW but), in my case I asked, she wouldn't and then she went and did it all and a lot more with some other married guy. Nice.
Author wanting more Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 I think it's a legimate question, albeit asked about as clumsily as possible. (Sorry, WM). A lot of us here would say that if our WS wasn't satisfied with their sex life at home, they should have asked for what they wanted instead of having an affair. Poof! Problem solved and no affair. I think it's legit to wonder if it's that simple. As WM has ackowledged, most men would probably have little problem with a request for increased frequency or experimenting. So she tried to rephrase and asked if women would be so willing to experiment or increase the frequency. I know that not all WH's had sexless marriages and some were overbenefitted. For someone like Shame, is it as simple as "Well, ask your wife for what you want?" If the man wants sex twice a week instead of once a month? Or wants to do more than missionary? What if he wants to do a heck of a lot more than missionary? The predominance of threads on the Marriage forum about sexless marriages would seem to support that it's not so simple. I'm sure the OW around here probably credit themselves for not being prudish; many admit that they provide something that the man just can't get at home. I'm not saying it justifies an affair but I think some ackowledgment that it isn't as simple as asking the wife for more sexual attention seems to be in order. I would venture that James and I both probably tried every reasonable and respectful way possible to influence our sex lives to no avail (hopefully wrong in his case). I think it's a legitimate dilemma for Shame as well. It's not as simple as, talk to your wife. So BWs, if your H had asked you for "different" sex before you knew about his A, do you think you would have given it up? Thank you. And yes you're correct. I totally screwed up the way I asked it. Thanks for clarifying what I meant.
screwedovertwenty Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Yes. Before DDay, yes. After DDay, with all of the information about the affair, yes. There is only one thing that I ever said no to and that is something I still will not do. He didn't do it with her. From what I can figure out, they had very little time for sex. They did it a lot, but it was the "wham bam thank you mam" kind of sex. They mostly did it outside by (a few times in) the river. I will never do it in the river and I will never even be able to go to that river again. He would leave work, pick her up, take her to the river, take her back home in under an hour. They did it in hotels a few times, and he would get up and say "I gotta go" after. I just cannot believe that it was better with her. Just quantity, not quality.
road Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Yes. Before DDay, yes. After DDay, with all of the information about the affair, yes. take her to the river, take her back home in under an hour. They did it in hotels a few times, and he would get up and say "I gotta go" after. I just cannot believe that it was better with her. Just quantity, not quality. Nothing to do with the sex was better or worse with the AP. There was a separate hign from the newness and getting away with being bad. The WS and the BS have to work on keeping things fresh as part of recovery.
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I actually am more sexually adventurous than the OW. What I, we did not have was enough privacy; three kids,pets, a aging parent who lived with us. She had the house and holidays all to herself when her xH took custody oh their child. hell, I'd be running around naked and in high heels every other weekend too!
BetrayedH Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I actually am more sexually adventurous than the OW... hell, I'd be running around naked and in high heels every other weekend too! That's enough of that talk (unless you're going to describe all this in further detail). 1
Furious Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I actually am more sexually adventurous than the OW. What I, we did not have was enough privacy; three kids,pets, a aging parent who lived with us. She had the house and holidays all to herself when her xH took custody oh their child. hell, I'd be running around naked and in high heels every other weekend too! This just reinforces that affairs are more about attention and being put on a pedestal. Jeez Spark, you didn't have the enormous amount of time to worship your husband and give him a standing ovation just because he could breathe. I too have been more adventurous than my husband, and until me he was quite reserved and not quite as experienced than I was. I know that everything I taught my husband he did to his affair partner I'm very affectionate and spontaneous, can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. something the OW couldn't do. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I'm very affectionate and spontaneous, can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. something the OW couldn't do. Me too LOL. It took me forever to learn! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I am far more adventurous than my WS to this day. Sigh.... Right now I am sitting beside him studying when this is supposed to be date & screw afternoon. I am living an 83 year old life in a 30 year old body. At least I have my teeth. BLah.... 2
BetrayedH Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Date & Screw afternoon? Is that like a national holiday? That's gotta beat President's Day. Dang Canadians have it figured out. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Date & Screw afternoon? Is that like a national holiday? That's gotta beat President's Day. Dang Canadians have it figured out. LOL, March 14th is Steak and a Blowjob Day. But that might be American too. But to answer your Q: Wednesdays are the PLANNED, confirmed date and screw afternoon. But Wednesday was tooth extraction day for H. So screw was out. So we rescheduled for Friday. It's Friday.... he's behind in school....again..... I've never been so horny looking at Hydrocarbons. I may become an Oil & Gas Engineer after all at this rate. My kid gets home at 7. Screw day.....is screwed. As for the more " blunt" posts on the thread. I love to give/receive oral. Neither one of us are into facials. I like anal. He wanted it early on but after marriage got more squeamish about anything that isn't missionary.... I've wanted to try some bondage sub/dom etc. like I used to with my ex. No go. I hear a lot of "I'm uncomfortable." He's really affectionate etc. great Dad etc etc But dammit. What a gyp. ARG! I'm the guy!!! Ahhhhh!!! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I remember being completely humiliated by my H's infidelity because I knew people would think I was withholding sex or not giving him the sex he wanted. What a dumb, old outlandish idea. People cheat when they feel that they deserve "more." That "more" doesn't mean that they aren't getting "enough" or "more than they already deserve." They cheat when they think, "This isn't fair, I wanted the everything fun and I have to do 25%-50% of the work in this marriage and I am not happy! I want my way and I will lie and cheat to do it, because confronting the issues is more work than what I want to put in and I think I have to do too much already." 5
jnel921 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I think any different requests at this point would make me feel like he wants to relive his affair and whatever he did. I'd rather do things that come naturally then have him ask me for something that may turn me off then completely piss me off when I think of it.
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 This just reinforces that affairs are more about attention and being put on a pedestal. Jeez Spark, you didn't have the enormous amount of time to worship your husband and give him a standing ovation just because he could breathe. I too have been more adventurous than my husband, and until me he was quite reserved and not quite as experienced than I was. I know that everything I taught my husband he did to his affair partner I'm very affectionate and spontaneous, can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. something the OW couldn't do. I can't think of anything else that makes sense to me. The complete, undivided, you are wonderful attention and the willingness to meet up any time and anywhere and have illicit, forbidden sex....but the sex is not so hot.
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Also, I think some cheaters may actually be somewhat sexually repressed and do NOT feel free to ask their spouse for what they want....because you do not do that with a spouse. they fear judgement and rejection. IN a risk-free affair, they pull out ALL the stops. Why is that? And is it fair? 3
Furious Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I can't think of anything else that makes sense to me. The complete, undivided, you are wonderful attention and the willingness to meet up any time and anywhere and have illicit, forbidden sex....but the sex is not so hot. I see my husbands affair was more about reinventing himself, minimizing his faults and maximizing his strengths. The OW hasn't heard his old jokes, his stories are fresh and new, he can talk about his success and not mention his failures and in return his ego is fed and he is very special. It's easy to be very special if it's not 24/7. 4
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I see my husbands affair was more about reinventing himself, minimizing his faults and maximizing his strengths. The OW hasn't heard his old jokes, his stories are fresh and new, he can talk about his success and not mention his failures and in return his ego is fed and he is very special. It's easy to be very special if it's not 24/7. THIS ^^^^ ! It's not about sex. It's about external validation. A spouse that has heard all of your jokes, isn't that impressed any longer about your glory days, and is legally bound to you for life, is not very validating. Your spouse is literally stuck with you. It's not much of an ego stroke. But a new girl that doesn't sleep next to your snoring head, that eats up all of your interesting stories, that is just in awe of all of your great parts (because she isn't shown your flaws), well, then that's a real ego stroke. The wayward has an excessive enough need for external validation to violate their own standards to get it. And they almost always go back to their BS because ultimately they know it wasn't about their spouse (or sex) but about something broken within them. By the way, that OW is just as needy for external validation (or she wouldn't be violating her own standards) and so the whole thing is a self-feeding cycle until it blows up in their face. And they will twist their heads into a pretzel trying to justify it all. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Also, I think some cheaters may actually be somewhat sexually repressed and do NOT feel free to ask their spouse for what they want....because you do not do that with a spouse. they fear judgement and rejection. IN a risk-free affair, they pull out ALL the stops. Why is that? And is it fair? I see this 110% in my relationship. He is very sensitive about sexuality in the "shame and adequacy" sense.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 But to answer your Q: Wednesdays are the PLANNED, confirmed date and screw afternoon. But Wednesday was tooth extraction day for H. So screw was out. So we rescheduled for Friday. It's Friday.... he's behind in school....again..... I've never been so horny looking at Hydrocarbons. I may become an Oil & Gas Engineer after all at this rate. My kid gets home at 7. Screw day.....is screwed. Well, now that the more "soupy" posts have been removed from the thread it just looks like I am histrionic LOL. Well, it turns out I was wrong about Hydrocarbons and their aphrodisiac qualities. We had some fun anyhow. We were supposed to have missionaries from the church come over (fairly regular visit). We cancelled em. Date & screw day... worked out after all. No complaints. Except that it was really difficult to make sure that I ignored all of my husband's needs and belittled him. I searched high and low for my: How to Shame and Degrade Your Man into Never Wanting Sex With You Again Guide but I must've forgotten it at my "Avoid Giving Porn-Star Blowjobs" Class. Darn. So we connected well enough..... LOL I am going to write to my MP and suggest that Date & Screw day be mandatory for all willing couples at least once a week. 2
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Also, I think some cheaters may actually be somewhat sexually repressed and do NOT feel free to ask their spouse for what they want....because you do not do that with a spouse. they fear judgement and rejection. IN a risk-free affair, they pull out ALL the stops. Why is that? And is it fair? Why? Because it is low risk. From the outset, the relationship is meant to be temporary. There's no long term plan. If they judge you for an odd request, who are they going to tell? They're not going to meet your parents. There's no fear of impacting your negotiating/power position in the household. When you've got this one chance (and are taking a huge risk to do it), why not go for the gusto? The relationship ain't gonna last anyway; we're just mutually using each other. But asking my spouse that at home? Ooh. That might get embarrasing. What if they say, no? I'm stuck with them forever knowing I want a gerbil up my butt. And I have to worry about my power position in the household. My wife was definitely sexually repressed with me. She may have wanted to be dominated bu she sure as hell wasn't going to tell me that. 3
Furious Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 [quote=dreamingoftigers;4614511 I searched high and low for my: How to Shame and Degrade Your Man into Never Wanting Sex With You Again Guide but I must've forgotten it at my "Avoid Giving Porn-Star Blowjobs" Class. I've got an extra copy if you want...also have you read "how to laugh at all his old jokes you've heard 1000 times" :D:D:D:D 1
seren Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 If there is anything legal but different that me and H haven't tried over our long time together I would be surprised. For me, it isn't the number of ways we can twist ourselves into positions, or where and when we have sex, it's the intimacy and sheer joy of sharing each other - however that might be. I agree that an A is rarely because a BS isn't adventurous enough or witholding sex, although there are some who will use this as a means to get what they want and some who would never ask their BS to try certain acts as they have this pedestal thing going on. I wouldn't indulge sharing fantasies, simply because if it doesn't float my boat too I don't see that it would float H's either. When the kids leave home it can open up a world of freedom and renewed sexual experimenation - it's a bit hard to explain the Madam Whiplash outfit if caught out by the kids, cleaning the drains isn't a very plausible excuse. 4
Recommended Posts