Author wanting more Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 op, maybe it's hard to extrapolate from one response (or even several) how a betrayed spouse would feel, as each situation is different and the variables of each situation make it unique... a betrayed spouse may have trust or self esteem issues which pre date the affair, or they may be uber confident...there may have been abuse from someone else in their past or anynumber of other things that affect how they would feel... I know obviously there will be lots of different answers to these questions. It has been suggested before to a WS to "just talk to him BW about his different sexual desires". I was just curious if BWs would be open to new things if suggested.
beenburned Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 wm, Yes, I would have been open to trying new sexual things. And I would have taken his honest communication with respect and consideration. However, I have always been sexually adventurous and enjoyed that part of our life. Our sexual life was never the reason my h cheated.(3 OW before d-day) Women used to hit on him on a regular basis.(even when I was around) He finally decided what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. His sexual encounters were basically ONS that were very brief and hurried. (due to not wanting to get caught) One was in a car in the work parking lot, one was in a back room at work, and one was in a cheap motel during normal working hours. (lunch hour) He has said none of the affair sex compared at all, in any way, to our love making. Their's were mostly slam, bam, thank you mam.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 wm, Yes, I would have been open to trying new sexual things. And I would have taken his honest communication with respect and consideration. However, I have always been sexually adventurous and enjoyed that part of our life. Our sexual life was never the reason my h cheated.(3 OW before d-day) Women used to hit on him on a regular basis.(even when I was around) He finally decided what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. His sexual encounters were basically ONS that were very brief and hurried. (due to not wanting to get caught) One was in a car in the work parking lot, one was in a back room at work, and one was in a cheap motel during normal working hours. (lunch hour) He has said none of the affair sex compared at all, in any way, to our love making. Their's were mostly slam, bam, thank you mam. Who are these married people getting hit on all the time who were not flirting at all and just minding their own business???? Please don't tell me he was in his 30's in a mid-level (or blue collar) position......:p
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I know obviously there will be lots of different answers to these questions. It has been suggested before to a WS to "just talk to him BW about his different sexual desires". I was just curious if BWs would be open to new things if suggested. I bet you most of these BS's had been asked, had no interest and basically told their spouse how gross and inappropriate it was, prior to being cheated on.
waterwoman Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I bet you most of these BS's had been asked, had no interest and basically told their spouse how gross and inappropriate it was, prior to being cheated on. You'd lose your money then. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I bet you most of these BS's had been asked, had no interest and basically told their spouse how gross and inappropriate it was, prior to being cheated on. Most, huh? I bet you have nothing to back up this theory whatsoever. There are plenty of examples of the waywards being the overbenefitted partner. For some people, nothing is ever enough regardless of what commitments they have made or how giving their partner might be. 4
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 true! in some situations, a married couple can be having plenty of sex, but one still cheats... people cheat for different reasons No the one's you are talking about are simply narcissists and serial cheaters.....
road Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 This thread is getting off topic. "If your WS talked about trying different things sexually, something you've never done before, would you be open to trying it?" The questions asks a BS post affair would you as the BS be willing to do something sexually that your never did before with your WS.
Alice2012 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) This thread is getting off topic. "If your WS talked about trying different things sexually, something you've never done before, would you be open to trying it?" The questions asks a BS post affair would you as the BS be willing to do something sexually that your never did before with your WS. I just want to point out that the OP didn't say "post affair." I'm not sure if she implied post affair or just in general throughout the entire marriage pre/post. If the OP definitely meant post affair, I would have answered that anything I didn't want to try pre-affair would still be a "no" post affair. Hell will freeze over before I would ever "reward," "impress" or attempt to keep a cheater faithful by trying something I don't want to do. Edited January 13, 2013 by Alice2012
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I just want to point out that the OP didn't say "post affair." I'm not sure if she implied post affair or just in general throughout the entire marriage pre/post. If the OP definitely meant post affair, I would have answered that anything I didn't want to try pre-affair would still be a "no" post affair. Hell will freeze over before I would ever "reward," "impress" or attempt to keep a cheater faithful by trying something I don't want to do. What would be the point of posting in the Infidelity Section if it was not meant to mean after the Affair was discovered and reconciliation was attempted. Otherwise what's the point since the spouse never did it otherwise?????
Alice2012 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 What would be the point of posting in the Infidelity Section if it was not meant to mean after the Affair was discovered and reconciliation was attempted. Otherwise what's the point since the spouse never did it otherwise????? Actually the OP referred also to WS's whose BS's had no idea they were cheating.
ComingInHot Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I love new and fun in the bedroom* I'm thankful that this was another area I excelled over the exOW AND that my husband knew that as well (after his two tromps ). I'm usually up from some "fun" and am trying to come up w/"new" ideas to spice things up. :D ... 1
Author wanting more Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 PRE Affair. You and your husband are out having a good time. He asks you if you'd be open to maybe trying some new things in the bedroom. You ask like what. He tells you he'd Like to tie you up, of try anal or bring toys in the bedroom. Your response????? This started from another post where the WS BW doesn't know about the A. He really enjoyed new things with his OW. Posters suggested he talk to his BW about his desires. What would you say????
seren Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Not too sure what 'different' sex means, but if it means to try something new or different from what we had already tried over the years then I would have thought about it and depending on whether or not I was comfortable with it, would have agreed or declined based upon that. If I thought I had to agree to something that I wasn't comfortable with, or that H felt my refusal gave him carte blanche to seek it elsewhere he wouldn't have been the sort of man I would want to have a sex life with. Sex for us has always been a two way street, with mutual satisfaction the underlying goal. As H's affair was to do with self loathing and not feeling good enough, there were aspects of the sex he had during the A that he wouldn't have asked nor wanted with me. Someone earlier in the thread suggested that many WS don't want certain aspects of sex with their BS as they value them too much or see them differently. Of course there will be marriages where sex has become routine or comfortable, again that works both ways and the BS may very well be wanting something different too, or not. Had H said the A was all about sex, I would have a hard time agreeing to what he had done with the OW and frankly, had he risked us simply for some different sex, then he would have been shown the door. 3
Spark1111 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 thank you for this, once again, SEREN! If he didn't ask me, how could I have accommodated him? if he didn't ask me, did that mean he secreted away his most secret desires, BUT than began to resent me for not fulfilling it. I am not a mind reader! I love the man and there is nothing I wouldn't have done or tried for him had he communicated it to me! he had me on a pedestal but then began to resent the pedestal he put me upon. Cannot fix what I do not know of. I do not about you, but last I checked, I AM. NOT clairvoyant. he loved me, he admired me I was to good for him. So, did that mean he stopped sharing his heart and soul with me, fearing I would judge him poorly? That is not on me. That is on his FOO issues and I will NOT accept any blame for his f'd up ness. Don't you either do so. 2
beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Most WS tend to be conflict avoiders or either passive aggressive! If they are too much of a coward to communicate their wishes/desires to their wife, then the blame is all on them for remaining silent. To the person that couldn't believe people can get hit on without even flirting, I can assure you I have been, and so has my H! 3
Author wanting more Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Thats all I was asking. If your husband started talking about trying different sexual things, would you.
eleanorrigby Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Thats all I was asking. If your husband started talking about trying different sexual things, would you. We are just recently starting to explore a little more with sex. I think for us now that the kids are out of the house and we are more mature, the idea sounds exciting and doable. Had he mentioned things that we do now when we were both 23 with toddlers I'd have said no. I wasn't ready for anything too wild at the time (I sometimes can't believe how young we were! lol). But now we're ready. 1
road Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I just want to point out that the OP didn't say "post affair." I'm not sure if she implied post affair or just in general throughout the entire marriage pre/post. If the OP definitely meant post affair, I would have answered that anything I didn't want to try pre-affair would still be a "no" post affair. Hell will freeze over before I would ever "reward," "impress" or attempt to keep a cheater faithful by trying something I don't want to do. The original poster said "WS". You can not be a WS unless you had an affair. You can not be a BS unless you have a WS. Sentence structure puts the question being asked post affair.
beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 ER, Ah, the empty nest syndrome! A stage of your life when you get to reinvent yourself! It is so freeing to have less daily responsibilities, so that you can concentrate on doing things you love! Yes, the sex life is just one area that can be spiced up and more frequent than when the kids were little and demanded most of your attention. The people that end up divorcing during this stage have totally lost their connection to each other as people and just can't get it back. There also are the people that don't like change and can not cope with reinventing themselves. They are sad and unhappy and try to bring everyone else down with them. I am not the timid shy woman I was when I first got married! I am now an independent, fun loving, outgoing woman! Hear me roar! 4
road Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Could not edit to add: I just want to point out that the OP didn't say "post affair." I'm not sure if she implied post affair or just in general throughout the entire marriage pre/post. If the OP definitely meant post affair, I would have answered that anything I didn't want to try pre-affair would still be a "no" post affair. Hell will freeze over before I would ever "reward," "impress" or attempt to keep a cheater faithful by trying something I don't want to do. The original poster said "WS". You can not be a WS unless you had an affair. You can not be a BS unless you have a WS. Sentence structure puts the question being asked post affair. No matter how it is asked a WS telling their BS why don't you do it this way. Or lets do something new. There is only one way a BS can see the meaning behind those words. AP did it better. AP knows how to do things I don't. AP is more open, more adventurous. Getting a BS to do more/different post affair is a minefield that is almost impossible to get through 100% cleanly.
Author wanting more Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Could not edit to add: The original poster said "WS". You can not be a WS unless you had an affair. You can not be a BS unless you have a WS. Sentence structure puts the question being asked post affair. No matter how it is asked a WS telling their BS why don't you do it this way. Or lets do something new. There is only one way a BS can see the meaning behind those words. AP did it better. AP knows how to do things I don't. AP is more open, more adventurous. Getting a BS to do more/different post affair is a minefield that is almost impossible to get through 100% cleanly. I realize now I should've just posted this on the original thread that got me wondering. He is a WS but he hasn't told his BS about the A. He enjoys "different" sex than he gets at home. Posters suggested he just talk to his BW about what he'd likd to try sexually. I was just curious if your WS (who you didn't know was cheating) suggested new things, would you try???
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) I realize now I should've just posted this on the original thread that got me wondering. He is a WS but he hasn't told his BS about the A. He enjoys "different" sex than he gets at home. Posters suggested he just talk to his BW about what he'd likd to try sexually. I was just curious if your WS (who you didn't know was cheating) suggested new things, would you try??? Why is this so different then the many posts on the Marriage & Life Partnership section asking spouses to do more and different as you grow comfortable and older together? These are such old and often repeated rants and posts. Geez adult novelty stores, instructional videos, workshops, books and many things to help get there...... I guess I took the thread being posted in Infidelity was what happens if your spouse finds out and you try and repair the marriage. That is why I thought it was a provocative question and post different from the many I've read. I have always been under the impression that most Men cheat (and I repeat over and over those man are not serial cheaters and narcissists) because they are getting little to none or no variety at home. I took it the person in question had an affair that grew from the resentment of an unsatisfying home life (sex included) and has seen the wonders of sex with his AP. He has over years and years been conditioned to accept that sex for his spouse was missionary only and little more and was told (implicitly or explicitly) that anything else was offside. Edited January 13, 2013 by Toodamnpragmatic
nofool4u Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) I was just curious if BWs would be open to new things if suggested. No you were not. You are wanting to know if a BS would be open to a WS's suggestions, knowing that its only because WS did those things with their OM/OW, or that somehow the BS isn't as desirable and they need to be at the sexual level of the OM/OW. I was just curious if your WS (who you didn't know was cheating) suggested new things, would you try??? Most definitely if they weren't a WS. The answer would probably be no if I knew they had screwed someone else for the reasons I laid out above. But then again, I won't have a WS or a partner that cheated. Edited January 14, 2013 by nofool4u
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I think it's a legimate question, albeit asked about as clumsily as possible. (Sorry, WM). A lot of us here would say that if our WS wasn't satisfied with their sex life at home, they should have asked for what they wanted instead of having an affair. Poof! Problem solved and no affair. I think it's legit to wonder if it's that simple. As WM has ackowledged, most men would probably have little problem with a request for increased frequency or experimenting. So she tried to rephrase and asked if women would be so willing to experiment or increase the frequency. I know that not all WH's had sexless marriages and some were overbenefitted. For someone like Shame, is it as simple as "Well, ask your wife for what you want?" If the man wants sex twice a week instead of once a month? Or wants to do more than missionary? What if he wants to do a heck of a lot more than missionary? The predominance of threads on the Marriage forum about sexless marriages would seem to support that it's not so simple. I'm sure the OW around here probably credit themselves for not being prudish; many admit that they provide something that the man just can't get at home. I'm not saying it justifies an affair but I think some ackowledgment that it isn't as simple as asking the wife for more sexual attention seems to be in order. I would venture that James and I both probably tried every reasonable and respectful way possible to influence our sex lives to no avail (hopefully wrong in his case). I think it's a legitimate dilemma for Shame as well. It's not as simple as, talk to your wife. So BWs, if your H had asked you for "different" sex before you knew about his A, do you think you would have given it up? 2
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