RespectfullyAlone Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I read this comment today that someone had posted in one of the topics here... "Maybe she realized after being away from you, and being with other men, that you're the man for her? Sometimes you don't realize how good a person is until they are no longer around." And it got me thinking about how I've approached breakups in my life. Has anyone heard of that saying - "Love means never having to say your sorry!"?? I have and I think it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Love is not selfish, it is selfless. You care so much for the other person you would do anything, lay down your life, be the first to apologize even if you were not the one who had done anything wrong. Thus even though my ex has left me in a very cowardly way, and I want her back with every fibre in my body, still knowing she is now with another guy, I'm not so sure I'd tell her to f*ckoff if she did ever get in contact again. Why is that you ask? Because when I have fallen in love with someone, it has taken me years for that love, affection & attachment to die. There comes a point when you do give up, but it's usually for me if they get married to someone else, and it's then got to a point where you will not break you morals to be with them. It's clear they are never coming back, ever. At that point, and I've felt those moments, you know you must truly give up all hope. That does not make me weak, or a doormat either. Though it seems acting in this way is labeled as such. If couples who have gone through various traumas like cheating, and infidelity in particular, can come out the other side (I know it's rare these days, but it does happen), that means some forgiveness has occurred. I would forgive my ex and try again to have a new relationship with her. That does not mean I would do that adnuesem however. But I am fully prepared to accept the posibility that if my ex ever did come back expressing their sorrow, them telling me they made a huge mistake, I would not be wanting or desiring to kick them out. Love does funny things. It can bind us to someone, it can make life wonderful and also very painful. Now going back to this comment... "Maybe she realized after being away from you, and being with other men, that you're the man for her? Sometimes you don't realize how good a person is until they are no longer around." Who here has ever realized this? I feel pain wondering if my ex even remembers me. And then a flicker of hope appears in realizing that if she truly was in love with me, happy and experiencing happiness together, no matter her actions externally, inside that must still be in her heart somewhere. It's in her bank so to speak, and she may call on it in the future. The uncertainty is of course that she may never act on it, or realize it until you have moved on. The LS breakup section of the forums are predominantly occupied by dumpees. I crave to read about and understand things from the dumpers perspective, if they regret their decisions, what they did about it etc. How many dumpers get remorse, how many realize they've made a huge mistake, how long does it take for them to get those thoughts? The mantra here is NC NC NC. And for some it works. For others it's a help but never truly a way to get over someone they love. From my experience it has taken years, years to get to the point where you can hear about an ex, see them and not feel anything. Actually you are happy for them, and don't feel any negative thoughts, or still wanting to be with them. You know at that point you are over them completely. The length of the relationship too has had no bearings on how long I have still been in love with someone. I could be one month, 2, 4 years etc. Once I have fallen in love with someone, the feeling is the same intensity. The only difference is in some of the relationships, you have simply experienced more life together, and some less. I've heard of that saying where it will take you half as long as your relationship to truly get over them. Not for me is hasn't. The only factor is whether you actually loved them or not, if so, the true time to fully recovering, and getting over them has been years. Alot of the pain I have experienced and I know others here as well have is that so many folks say, it wasn't meant to be, get yourself in a better state, workout, do hobbies etc., and then you'll be in the right place for when the next person you are truly, really supposed to be with comes along And then the cycle happens all over again. You get dumped, and again try to pickup your life. But you are older, thought you were going to be more careful, trusting and wiser. Yet the same sort of result happens. Your heart has been ripped out and you're all alone. You thought you were going to be better prepared to handle a breakup through experience, but there are more anxieties as your get older. Not having yet had kids, age, and other factors. I can't compare others grief, but I can compare my own. When I had a broken heart at 21, at least I knew I was young and had plenty of time to find someone else. When you are going through this at 38, you know you really do not have another 5-10 years of recovering and trying to find that next person. You're gonna be pushing 50 soon enough and still havn't had kids yet. And thus more heartbreak occurs. Not everyone here who is low on self esteem and is in fear they will never find someone as attractive, exciting, or amazing as their ex is thinking this on purpose. We might never honestly meet someone as good looking, fun or exiting as our exes ever again. And it scares the living life out of us. We didn't settle on our ex that we long for, our whole life led us to that moment. And for those of us, who wanted to finally get off the train of always looking for the "one", the relief was wonderful. Everything we had gone through, good and bad, was worth it because you finally found someone you knew in your heart was the person for you. Finally a person I feel I am meant to be with. Confidence sky high. We had not lowered our standards or just took up with whoever we could get with, our whole life was a fight to get to that moment. And for others to say walk away, give up hope, it's over, I simply cannot do that. My love may have left me, but I am not giving up on the love I feel for her. Not until such a point as there is clearly no return. Even if she is with another guy, that doesn't mean she will be with him forever. At least not at this point. Thus I will work on myself, go NC, and hope and pray that she will feel and remember that love in her heart she once had for me. Not everyone gets a happy ending to their story. Some people get a taste, and that's all they will ever get. And thus it's natural to feel panic & fear, to essentially give up on life and go what's the point!? Anyone who has felt this knows what I am talking about. We are not crazy, but are waking up to the very scary and real possibility we might never find a person who will love us as much as we love them. Edited January 11, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Actually I was the Dumper. But my situation was unique, in that I had to dump her(she cheated.) Do I regret it? No. But I do miss her. I miss her, yet I realize the hopelessness of her, and because of how she is, the hopelessness of any relationship with her. You know, I know...We know. No one forgets the people that come into our lives, and make an impact. It is impossible to erase our mind. 60 years may pass, we will remember them; just the way it is. It would be nice to forget...Sometimes. What we do, is learn to forget the pain. This too of course, doesn't mean that there may not be moments, where your thoughts drift to the past, and you think of them; you might get angry, sad. But the goal is learning to re-master your emotions, to substantially weaken, or totally nullify how they negatively affect us. This requires tremendous work on our part. I understand the fears that come along with being single, after losing someone. Your world is in ruin,and your in tears; less a man. So, it all seems hopeless. It is true, they may think of us, things could happen..or not. Sometimes it is better they do not. We could live with a bleak outlook. We could live depressed. Yeah, life is so unfair, that someone could be alone forever, or find a worse person then their ex. But to live like that, is no way to live, to grow. We are all born, dying. We could be depressed over our outcome, that cannot be avoided. We aren't though. We usually do not give it much thought, that is key. We shouldn't give it much though, alone, or not alone. Just try. If not, oh well. Many people suffer from these sad thoughts(I do too...not always.) They even use sites like LS to help them. Really, it is words offered. Only words. That only comforts one so far; I know that. Really, it isn't the words we want people to focus on. Action. You have to take the action, a battle of hoping against hope, for a better outcome. This involves such tedious effort. You must learn to re-master yourself; must either go NC or give up hope; must get out, eventually and re-mengal. Must keep busy(that is not possible, as eventually there will be down-time.) Sadly, I am sure the many posters on here are aware that this doesn't mean a 100% recovery, and chances at a better mate. Yet, we tell everyone essentially the same guide plan. We do this, knowing at least it could help; sometimes even recover a person. But it means nothing in the mind of the depressed. They are comforted shortly, by our words; but much like you say, in your post: they see a hopeless situation before their eyes; to them, it is real; too real, compared to our wisdom. If they, you or me, would realize to forget the worry, be our own master: that means creating our own happiness; we may find a suitable mate If not, we tried. Dumpees focus their energy on their exes. I know. That energy has to be turned toward themselves. With clear thought, they can move on(even on certain cases a Dumper's energy and thought is wasted on an ex.) Probably a lot of this is off topic, sorry, it seemed right to say...
Author RespectfullyAlone Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Some nice thoughts Todd. MyAngel, what I typed out, I don't know if others feel those things, but they are my honest thoughts. It seems too simplistic when lots of folk say that better things away on the horizon, when I know they may not, or will not happen. I guess we have to ignore that and try and carry on anyway.
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