shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Holy crap! I went out on a date tonight and we were getting along really great. He was super smart, had a good job and has been working on his PhD. We were having a great time, laughing and the conversation was coming really easily. Then all of a sudden, he springs on me sort of as a joke that you can never really trust a person... that they just might tell you that they had seen you in a porno. So I was laughing really hard, "Nuh uh," and he said, "No, really, that really happened to me." "What?" I responded, still laughing, thinking that the shoe was on the other foot and he said, "Yeah, I've been in some pornos." Holy crap! That changed the whole momentum of the date. Just had to get that out of my system. Needless to say, I don't think that I can see him again. Goes to show ya that you never really know, eh? Again, holy crap!
EIN Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 On the bright side, he showed his true colors before you guys slept together.
lovelost Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 personally i dont see anything wrong with that if he is a sane person with a good head on his shoulders. I used to room with a dude who did porn and he was a great guy! we're still freinds til this day. I say don't judge him by how he needed to make money, maybe some of that money was used to put him through his graduate studies. desparate times calls for desparate measures.
honey2005 Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 I don't think I could date someone who's been in pornos either. At least he was honest with you:).
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 No kidding (at least he was honest with me)! I'm actually glad that he told me now, on the first date. So I didn't get to like him more, because he was awesome until I learned that... EDIT: Lovelost, I was completely freaked out. He said that he kind of expected that reaction. I felt really bad because we were getting along great, but it's not something that I can just accept. I mean, I had a really hard time with the fact that my ex dated a stripper. Now this guy said he did them 4 years ago, but man, how do I just go, "OK."?. I mean, trying to excuse the fact that he did pornos... That's a whole other can of worms. I would like to say that I'm a better person than that, but I don't think that I can get past it.
lovelost Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 So are you saying that you are looking for a virgin man? I'm just a little confused beause the way i look at it is- what's the difference between a person who had sex with other people before you and one who did it in front of a camera and got money for it. The act of having sex is still the same. I'm sure you've gone out with men whose had many relationships prior to you. Is it the act of open sex that repulses you? Even though he was a great guy and you got along are you thinking that his sexual practices are too liberal? Do you think that he has a disease? or maybe that he is currently having sex with more than one person? He did say it was 4 years ago and you said he was studying for a professional degree. I'm just curious to know what factors was used for your judgement of him. I understand if it was just a matter of choice, but it sounds like there is a strong reason behind your decision.
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Lovelost, No, I'm absolutely not looking to date a virgin man; I'm certainly no virgin! It's much preferable that they know what they are doing, as a matter of fact. At my age (mid 30s), guys with little to no experience are just not a turn on. But yes, the fact that he did it in front of a camera is a problem for me. I've never even made any home videos with any of my lovers or anything. I don't have a problem watching pornos either; it's just that I don't want to date someone who was in a porno. Total double standard, I know. Maybe that makes me indoctrinated into the mainstream American culture and all that, but... I don't even know what else to say about it right now as I'm still completely stunned. I think I need to go to sleep.
lovelost Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 i hear you Shaman. Take a chill pill and relax. sounds like you had an exciting evening nevertheless - at least we can be thankful you had a good time for the moment. Have a good night.
honey2005 Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 I dunno, I just feel there's a difference between a person having sex with someone they love/care about/like/mildly know, and having sex with a stranger on a camera and getting paid for it. I'm not looking for a virgin guy either, I've found my guy and he's not a virgin, but he's never been in a porno. It's just a comfort issue I guess.
lovelost Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 I guess. I just know people whose done things in their past that they've outgrown or changed and sometimes it was just what was present at the time for them. I probably would be more concerned that he tol dme on the first date as that would indicate to me that he wants to get sexual. Because why would he bring up what he did 4 years ago unless he was suggesting something. whatever...just my babble brain working. i guess im sensitive to him because i worked at an internet sex place because i needed money to get by (and i had a full time job). I wouldn't like to think people are judging me in a bad way because of it (but then again i wouldn't volunteer the information on a first date either - i guess this is why )
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 He told me that the reason that he told me was because we were getting along so well. He said that he wanted me to be able to make a decision right off the bat about whether or not I could handle that about someone that I would be dating. He also said that he doesn't usually tell someone this on the first date, but because we were getting along so well, he told me. Nothing was suggested in terms of sex; he did not ask to take me home, or anything of that sort. He asked me if I would rather have known now or 3, 4, etc. dates down the road. Because that was what it was looking like. An absolute 2nd date, possibly a 3rd or 4th. We had a lot in common and he was so smart and really cute! I do believe that he was just trying to save me any future weirdness. I don't think that there was an alterior motive to telling me. He did obviously feel weird about what he did. I mean, this guy is a professional man now (not a professional porno star)! I'm sorry lovelost, I don't mean to make you feel bad. Everybody's different. This was just my experience and my reaction. It certainly doesn't mean that everyone is going to feel that way.
YellowLioness Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 I would LMAO if someone told me they had been in porn. It would be one of those strange, nervous laughs where you don't know what to say, and then the moment gets awkward... er... yeah...
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness I would LMAO if someone told me they had been in porn. It would be one of those strange, nervous laughs where you don't know what to say, and then the moment gets awkward... er... yeah... No sh**! I thought he was joking for close to five minutes. I couldn't believe that he was telling me the truth. I told one of my friends today and she couldn't believe it either. We were both trying to talk about it and then, the same thing happened. Like, what the heck? How is it possible that this even happened? Be careful out there everyone in dating land! It's wild and wonderful, and sometimes a little too surreal.
sinner Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Interesting. Flipping gender, I wonder how most men would respond when, on a first date, the woman informs the guy that she did hetero pornos about 5 years ago. The larger part of our male brain, the reptilian part, would be intrigued and excited by possibly having sex with a very technically proficient woman. Just imagine the possibilities. The smaller part of our male brain, the mom and dad part, would probably worry about disease and what personality flaws compelled our date to work in the porn industry. Would it necessarily be a relationship ender for me? I'd have to say no. But red flags would go up, that's for sure.
EC Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness I would LMAO if someone told me they had been in porn. It would be one of those strange, nervous laughs where you don't know what to say, and then the moment gets awkward... er... yeah... thats when you look at them and stay silent and hear crickets in the background. :cricket cricket: lol What a bad one. I woulda messed with him. Guy: I've been in pornos Me: Oh thats why you look familiar. Buck Naked in Miami. U and me I was the blonde girl remember? Guy: (awe ****) ha anyways....yeah but you have to remember he did it in the past and like you said you were having a great time with him . He was super smart, had a good job and has been working on his PhD. We were having a great time, laughing and the conversation was coming really easily. Remember? I think it's the past he sounds like a good guy. Just go get tested together and pray no one recognizes him from Buck Naked at you office christmas party.
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Sinner, as usual, you have an interesting perspective on this. Of course the thought of the possibility of a very technically proficient lover crossed my mind. But I think the other part of it, the part that asks why did he work in the porn (he said hetero) industry, is certainly in the forefront. We actually did discuss diseases, believe it or not, about a half an hour later. When he first told me, I don't really remember what he said for about 10 minutes after that. I was in stunned mode. The first thing that my girlfriend (friend) asked me today was, "So, did he tell you why he did it?" I can't remember if this was discussed though, as I'm betting it came up in those 10 minutes. He told me that he didn't expect any sort of decision on whether or not I would continue to see him (I told him last night that I needed to think about it; which I don't think I really have to do). That he would have been extremely surprised if I could've made one on the spot. He said that he hopes to hear from me within the month. Right now, I'm voting for not a second date. Thanks for your opinion, Sinner. I'm curious though... why would it not be a relationship (date) ender for you?
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd ha anyways....yeah but you have to remember he did it in the past and like you said you were having a great time with him . Remember? I think it's the past he sounds like a good guy. Just go get tested together and pray no one recognizes him from Buck Naked at you office christmas party. Wow, sounds like another vote for continuing to see him! I'm actually a little surprised...
sinner Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 If the person was bright, funny, interesting and stimulating, and appeared to have buried that part of her life, I would remain open. When you meet someone who engages you, on all cylinders, don't rule them out because of unorthodox career choices. These folks don't come around that often. Shamen, what I've learned is that if someone connects with you, and you with him, and there's no present sign of dysfunction, allow that person to continue the conversation with you. Marriage is one long conversation, and if your spouse/lover is a great conversationalist, you are blessed. I can't tell you how many zombie marriages I see where the conversation has run dry and the husband and wife are polite to one another but both are running on automatic pilot. I call then "Night of the Living Dead" relationships. If this ex-porno performer/Grad student is disease free, not into drugs and has sworn off porn performing, I'd allow him to continue the conversation with you. You might be pleasantly surprised.
faux Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 You liked quite a bit about this guy until you found out that he was in a pornographic film? That's so shallow! Haven't you had sex before? All he did was have sex, just like a lot of other people do. Maybe he got paid for it and was in front of a camera, but how is that wrong? So now you are saying you do not wish to see him again simply because he had sex on video tape? I think that's extremely messed up. You liked him as a person, liked his career goals, and how he was handling his life. It seems you liked his personality and you two had some things in common. Now that you discover he did something risque, you can't see him again? That's horrible, low, crude, and I can't possibly understand that. Do you have any reasonable explanations or reasoning as to why you will not see him again because of this? I think you're being ridiculous here. I'm not very innocent when it comes to having sex on video, with others having seen it, as well. I'd think almost nothing of a person if she were to decide to have nothing to do with me simply because I got naked on video tape. I had my reasons for doing it, and if someone is going to be that shallow then to heck with that person! I'm amazed this man even told you he was in a few videos, as it is actually none of your business. He sounds like a pretty open guy, and it sounds like you enjoyed everything else about him. What in the world is the problem here?
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Faux, I know and I realize that in some ways I am being shallow here... I'm sorry to offend you. Thanks for thinking almost nothing of me though. I'm trying to work through this. That is part of the reason I posted on the subject: I needed some opinions other than my initial reaction. Again, I've had a lot of sex. This isn't the issue. The issue is I'm freaked out; you've got to admit that it's probably somewhat shocking for some of the people that you tell that you've done this at first. At the same time though, a homemade video and a full fledged porno are two different things; and for 3 years (if I remember correctly). Give me some time, please, to work through this. I'm trying to see if I could handle it. How is my initial reaction on this crude and low? Most people, I would think, would say the opposite (again, no offense, really). I'm no prude either, I like watching pornos! Sinner, Yeah, he doesn't have any diseases, nor does he do drugs. He doesn't make pornos anymore either. I've got to give this some time to sink in...
Mr Spock Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Why don't you ask him what ones he was in, then rent them? Make your judgement after that. Then send me the tapes.
havNfun Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 wow you may regret passing this up when you get to be mid 30's etc. He's getting very educated, you said he was a gentleman, and most likely he can fqeck like a rock star and also prolly hung like king kong, - and will perhaps make an incredible legitimate living for a family. How known of a name is he? give him another chance and get some great sex out of the deal at least.
Author shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Why don't you ask him what ones he was in, then rent them? Make your judgement after that. Then send me the tapes. Oh my god, Spock, that is too funny! I asked him what kind, he told me B&D. I have had some experience with that too. It WAS extremely tempting to ask for titles.
She's Come Undone Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 Mr. Spock LMFAO!!! would like to see them after you, please be sure to wipe them down though!
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