Question for BS.

[wanting more]

You as a WW I hope realize that you can not blame shift any of the burden that is your cross to bear.

 

 

I havent shifted blame. I am a big girl and I do accept Im responsible for being In an A and the hurt I've caused so many. My SO and I have talked about xMM concerning his part in the A but I or my SO dont put blame on him. My SO talks about beating the sh*t out of him( I'm guessing that's most BHs reaction) but when he calms down he knows he wouldn't because I'm the one in our relationship, not xMM. I havent defended or blamed xMM, just myself

[NotCamelot]

Many a WS protect the AP by defending them when the BS says how bad and evil the OM/OW was. This is normal reaction on and close to dday. With time the WS realizes what a POS the OP was and will stop defending them and or realizes that the affair was wrong but the good feelings for their OP are not doing them any good to recall and that they further realize that their BS can not stand to hear the WS say the OP was except for the affair a really nice guy. So they stop defending the OP.

 

This is exactly what happened in my case. If the subject comes up now, she speaks very badly about him including some vicious comments and name calling.......... I have to admit, I like that.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm an equal-blamer.

 

In my case my husband was serial and pursued women online to meet in person.

 

Most were married themselves. (I think only one wasn't attached).

I don't think he blames them at all.

 

But as another poster said, if he wouldn't have been able to get one, he would've just been masturbating. And honestly, he did more than enough of that to kaibosh our sex life as it was.

 

I think the vast majority were disgusting. In two cases I have no idea how he could have even had his dick go up. I guess strange is strange. I almost blame those ones a little less because it's not like their options were that great to begin with.

 

At least he never told anyone of them he loved them.

 

I just look at them as vagina dealers. Kind of like drug dealers. Yah, if there wasn't a "local vagina dealer" he might've had to go further. (he mostly stayed outside the city we were in anyway). But if there weren't any vagina dealers he wouldn't have "gotten high."

[StormySeas]

I place a great deal of blame at the feet of both my H and the OW. The OW was supposed to be a "friend" of mine. There's no way that she can escape this unscathed and I remain incredibly concerned about what will happen when I see her for the first time after all of this. I picture myself flying across the room ninja style and landing one heck of a kick. Sometimes thinking about that moment makes me feel better. I also know how much OW pursued my H with pictures, explicit texts, etc. when she was more than well aware of his marriage and his young son.

 

Of course my H gets a ton of blame too. He responded to everything that she threw at him and reciprocated in every possible way. So obviously he gets the day-to-day blame...my blame for her is more this pent up anger that has no outlet. And I cannot agree with anyone that says it's wasted energy to even think about the OW. The OW played a major role in this tragedy. She rightfully deserves blame.

 

I also know all of the mistakes that I made...everything from making my H feel like he wasn't needed in our home to ignoring how much time he was spending texting/etc. with the OW. Do I blame myself for the affair? Not at all. My H and the OW get all of that blame. I just accept that there were certainly many things that I could have done to help our marriage steer clear of any of this and I just didn't make the effort because I was focused on other things that I was convinced were more important. I didn't feed the marriage in a positive manner.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know that with my parents that my mother blames OW and WH equally but that WH blames OW and my Mom more than himself.

 

But my father has always been ridiculous, so that's no surprise.

 

Quite frankly, my parents situation was rather disgusting too. I think that 100% of the blame isn't enough for those two people to split.

 

They each get 100%. it'll be a 200% affair.

 

OW came into his home and pursued him right in his office. She extradite a decent financial amount from him too over four months. She was a serial OW.

 

He was a narcissistic *******. But that was nothing new. This was kind of the last stop for crap he could put my mother and the rest of our family through.

 

The only time he was ever nice to me was when he was having an affair. That should've been a red flag for my mother.

 

Of course the way he was caught by my mother (less than six hours after I caught him, but through no efforts or want of my own) was pretty comical.

 

They each get 100% blame. I'll let the mathematicians figure that one out.

[Spark1111]

I know it's very common here to blame the MAP entirely, but having lived this, I believe the married cheater must also go through cycles of emotions to heal.

 

And one of them is anger. Just because you weren't the BS or OW/OM, does not mean you will avoid an anger stage.

 

Initially, after dday, he was very angry at me because I burst his happy fog by exposure. I then threw him out, which just shocked a man who had convinced himself...with her help...that I was only here for a paycheck and status quo. he, too was very protective of her.

 

Then he experienced grief for the loss of the affair, then unstabilizing shame and guilt.

 

Next came anger at her for three reasons: She was the only person on the planet who would convince him that betraying his family to feel good was a fine idea; she began to actively work on him to leave me and commit to her by subtley bad-mouthing me; and she lied a lot about her life circumstances to appear as the perennial damsel in distress in need of saving. (Previous affairs with MM)

 

So, yeah, he went through an angry stage. Did it validate me? No. Did it make me feel better? No.

 

But it did make me realize how he never truly saw her, he only saw the way she made him feel, and that allowed delusional thinking to just take over.

 

You know what? Had he told me the truth of his feelings and asked to separate while he openly engaged in a dating relationship with her, I'd have given it 3, maybe 4 months tops.

[Snowflower]

The "blame" question ... again.

 

I placed blame/responsibility for the affair and for the detrimental effect on me and my children, on both parties.

 

I blamed my fWH for betraying his promises to me and to a lessor extent to his children. This meant continued and repeated lying to me and essentially tricking me into staying married to him. I blamed him for lots more of his behavior.

 

I blamed the OW for inserting herself into my marriage without my permission. This involved her coming to my house and accepting joint funds being spent on her for her benefit. I blamed her for lots more of her behavior.

 

Last time I checked I had not "made" my fWH blame her for anything. I wasn't aware that I could. However like many reasonable people I'm sure he is capable of apportioning blame where it belongs.

 

I liked this post.

 

There have been a lot of threads about blame lately. I wonder why?

 

Honestly though, and I am asking this of anyone, who the heck cares if the BS blames the AP? Really, what business is it of anyone's as to who the BS blames?

 

If the BS want to blame the AP, that is their right. Let them!

Edited January 11, 2013 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

I liked this post.

 

There have been a lot of threads about blame lately. I wonder why?

 

Honestly though, and I am asking this of anyone, who the heck cares if the BS blames the AP? Really, what business is it of anyone's as to who the BS blames?

 

If the BS want to blame the AP, that is their right. Let them!

 

On another thread, it was of importance to the family of the BS to not only hear the WS state he had acted horribly during the affair, but the AP who engaged with him was also a terrible person to do so.

[nofool4u]

A comment in another post has me wondering. As a BS, did you make your WS place as much blame on the OW/OM??

 

I didn't care who she tried to blame. I knew where the blame lied and it was a combination of both of them. Definitely more her since he wasn't her only OM throughout the years.