wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 A comment in another post has me wondering. As a BS, did you make your WS place as much blame on the OW/OM?? My SO doesn't talk about my AP. If he (my SO) brings up xMM I do answer any questions he has but he (SO) holds me responsible for the A.
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My opinion is you cannot make someone place blame on others or themselves. Your husband has his own views about who is responsible and that works for him. I hold all the parties involved responsible. 8
Author wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not saying one is less to blame than the other. Or that it's right or wrong the way my SO is dealing with this. I was just wondering if you made your WS acknowledge that their AP was equally To blame for the A.
eleanorrigby Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not saying one is less to blame than the other. Or that it's right or wrong the way my SO is dealing with this. I was just wondering if you made your WS acknowledge that their AP was equally To blame for the A. Immediately after D-day my husband was very protective of her and came to her defense if I started talking sh*t. It's a thorn in my side whenever I think about that, even years later. So I don't think he blames her or thinks anything bad about her at all. Nothing I can do about that. 1
SidLyon Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 A comment in another post has me wondering. As a BS, did you make your WS place as much blame on the OW/OM?? My SO doesn't talk about my AP. If he (my SO) brings up xMM I do answer any questions he has but he (SO) holds me responsible for the A. The "blame" question ... again. I placed blame/responsibility for the affair and for the detrimental effect on me and my children, on both parties. I blamed my fWH for betraying his promises to me and to a lessor extent to his children. This meant continued and repeated lying to me and essentially tricking me into staying married to him. I blamed him for lots more of his behavior. I blamed the OW for inserting herself into my marriage without my permission. This involved her coming to my house and accepting joint funds being spent on her for her benefit. I blamed her for lots more of her behavior. Last time I checked I had not "made" my fWH blame her for anything. I wasn't aware that I could. However like many reasonable people I'm sure he is capable of apportioning blame where it belongs. 9
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not saying one is less to blame than the other. Or that it's right or wrong the way my SO is dealing with this. I was just wondering if you made your WS acknowledge that their AP was equally To blame for the A. I don't get this. How do you make a WA acknowledge the AP being equally to blame? Mean you can push them into saying the words, but it does not mean they acknowledge the AP role. Are you and your spouse in counseling? 2
2sure Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Depends . My x was a serial Cheater, so no. Also...for any WS ..if there was a reason or problem within the marriage or with WS that is identified on DDay or right away...then why focus on OW/OM? Or...mabe it's just too hard emotionally to make the AP more tangible to BS by asking questions.
Steen719 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 When I confronted my XH, he quickly said that I should blame the OW also. I told him that I blamed him. I think what she did was wrong and she could live with whatever she did, but I blamed him. He is such a prince! There is more than enough blame to go around, so what does it matter? 1
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 When it came to my exH cheating on me, I blamed him, and he rightfully blamed himself and took responsibility for his actions. After all, he was the one in the relationship with me, he broke our vows. The OW may have actively pursued him knowing he was married, but she didn't know me, or owe me a thing given that we'd never met. He made the choice to step out on us- so he is to blame for it.
Furious Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 A comment in another post has me wondering. As a BS, did you make your WS place as much blame on the OW/OM?? My SO doesn't talk about my AP. If he (my SO) brings up xMM I do answer any questions he has but he (SO) holds me responsible for the A. I don't blame the OW for my husbands betrayal, but she was not blameless in being an accessory to that betrayal. I see their actions separately, differentiate between them, and can say that they both hurt me in their own way. One that knew me, and one that did not know me. I don't buy that no one owes a stranger anything. Everyday, people save a strangers life, from fire fighters to ordinary citizens who step in to help rescue a stranger in need. Even here at LS, strangers reach out to those who are hurting, giving their support and kindness to complete strangers. It's a beautiful thing. 9
Author wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 But I concur with his wife. I hate it when he wouldn't admit the OW was just as bad as him. I also saw him as "protecting" her. He hasn't done that for a long time but he doesn't seem to be blame shifting either. He's had time to see that he can admit he was a total ass and so was she but if he works at it one day even I might re admit him to humanity ***. That was the comment that got me "wondering"
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I don't blame the OW for my husbands betrayal, but she was not blameless in being an accessory to that betrayal. I see their actions separately, differentiate between them, and can say that they both hurt me in their own way. One that knew me, and one that did not know me. I don't buy that no one owes a stranger anything. Everyday, people save a strangers life, from fire fighters to ordinary citizens who step in to help rescue a stranger in need. Even here at LS, strangers reach out to those who are hurting, giving their support and kindness to complete strangers. It's a beautiful thing. I guess, but as much as I think my ex's affair partner is guilty - he was the only one that truly betrayed me.
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My opinion is you cannot make someone place blame on others or themselves. Your husband has his own views about who is responsible and that works for him. I hold all the parties involved responsible. My xWW blamed me I hold both parties equally to blame -WS and AP You can't have an A without an AP as that's just masturbating. 2
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My xWW blamed me I hold both parties equally to blame -WS and AP You can't have an A without an AP as that's just masturbating. To that logic I'd say- one side owes you a heck of a lot more than the other should. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 The OM vs WW blame was never an issue with us. My WW initially voluntarily took all blame. Eventually she shifted that to "us" which really mean *me*. I think the OM is definitely 50% to blame, but I wasn't in a relationship with him. Not worth my time or energy.
Author wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 My xWW blamed me I hold both parties equally to blame -WS and AP You can't have an A without an AP as that's just masturbating. The last sentence is funny to me as that's ONE of the things xMM told his BW. id convince him to meet me somewhere in a parking lot and when he'd get in my car I'd be masturbating trying to seduce him into having sex with me. But he was such a good strong man, he'd never give in to me and just ask me to put my Clothes back on.
waterwoman Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 At first I wanted him to blame her! I really did. I was so hurt and angry. But he didn't. He was far too sensible for that. And he loved her - simple as. He didn't like to hear me criticize he although he understood why I did. It cut me that while the affair was one of the most painful horrifying experiences of my life, for him it was something very different. We had to work on trying to see with each other's eyes. Now I am indifferent to her (mostly) and to him she is just a colleague of whom he thinks fondly. I am glad he didn't blame her now - it makes me respect him more. 1
Summer Breeze Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 At first I wanted him to blame her! I really did. I was so hurt and angry. But he didn't. He was far too sensible for that. And he loved her - simple as. He didn't like to hear me criticize he although he understood why I did. It cut me that while the affair was one of the most painful horrifying experiences of my life, for him it was something very different. We had to work on trying to see with each other's eyes. Now I am indifferent to her (mostly) and to him she is just a colleague of whom he thinks fondly. I am glad he didn't blame her now - it makes me respect him more. I would think that his honesty with you and himself probably did more to help with the healing than if he'd told you what he thought you wanted to hear. I can't imagine the strength you had to muster up to go through it. You're both to be commended.
ComingInHot Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My husband always Used to blame Everyone else for everything. In the beginning, he blamed Me. Then he blamed her. Finally he blamed himself. I felt he needed to First take responsibility for his actions & behavior in the betrayal of our marriage. When we talked/talk about it, I remind him that this is about him first. She is a separate issue. Today, he blames himself but has come to understand that she had a hand in this too. She is guilty of partaking in an A but in a different capacity. He (thank God) does Not look back on his A fondly or w/thoughts of what could have been. He also doesn't hold her fully responsible but knows she had her share of poor behavior. He DOES however blame her for her actions toward me. To be honest, I am kind of thankful for that because it is for the most part Why he dislikes her to this day. I do remind him that if he hadn't told her some of the crap about me he made up that maybe she wouldn't have gone off the deep end towards me* 3
jnel921 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My H was asked to go over her apt and he did. At that point he had an important choice he had to make. So did she. She knew my H was her BF's best friend. He kne He had a wife and kids. Didn't stop either from taking the next step. It takes two to tango. One is not guilt ire than the other, no one was tied or handcuffed to the bed. The OW acted like a total ********* towards me. She wanted my H and he didn't want her. It still upsets me that he wanted her even if it was for a short time.
NotCamelot Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I blame my W and her AP equally. My W says it was all her fault and that I should only blame her. I call BS on that because the AP knew she was married....so there has to be some blame there. But, I don't really care who she blames....I was the one hurt so I get to decide who gets the blame for the way I fell.....no one else does. 2
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 The OM vs WW blame was never an issue with us. My WW initially voluntarily took all blame. Eventually she shifted that to "us" which really mean *me*. I think the OM is definitely 50% to blame, but I wasn't in a relationship with him. Not worth my time or energy. My WW took all the blame too. And then shifted it later to us, mostly me, troubled marriage. When ever I'd say her MM was bad for being with her when he was already married and had no intention of leaving his wife or bad for betraying his own wife or bad bc he knew my WW was married, my WW had an excuse for his bad behavior in each case. I'm sure you all know what those excuses were. But when I found out that her MM was a serial cheater that had been caught 8 times before, well how can this be a "great person". A wonderful man. A beautiful soul. LOL. Her words! She is no longer saying those kinds of things. That was close to Dday. But you get the idea how when people are in the A bubble they don't want to see the truth that is obvious to people outside the bubble. 2
Decorative Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My spouse has never blamed the AP. Ever. However- with time and distance, he sees her differently now than he did when he was in the thick of it. He understands some of the sugar daddy dynamic that was going on, and understands her penchant for dating older, married men. He takes full responsibility for his choices to hurt me. I have explained that I hold him responsible for harming me far more than I hold her responsible. But to my eyes, I hold her responsible for harming me and my children, to a lesser level. I would never ask him to adopt my way of thinking, though. I cannot make someone else apportion blame. 6
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) A comment in another post has me wondering. As a BS, did you make your WS place as much blame on the OW/OM?? My SO doesn't talk about my AP. If he (my SO) brings up xMM I do answer any questions he has but he (SO) holds me responsible for the A. I hold my WW responsible for her affair. She made the decisions to cheat and to continue the affair for its duration. She threw our marriage under the bus, not the OM. With that being said, I do think that the OM is culpable for his part in the affair. He knew what he was getting himself into. He is guilty of adultery also. WW and I talked about the OM frequently post d-day when I was gathering the details of the affair. Once we got further into the reconciliation phase, the focus was exclusively on my WW. My wife has never tried to place the blame on the OM. She hasn't tried to "defend" him. (If she did, that would have been very detrimental to our R.) I'll point out that the months following my wife's confession (d-day) her "reasons" for having an affair were mostly external (as in me, my idiosyncrasies, my extended family, etc). As we progressed in the process she came to accept that the real "reasons" were within her, not external. So initially she tried to place a chunk of blame on me for her affair. Edited January 11, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed 2
road Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) A comment in another post has me wondering. As a BS, did you make your WS place as much blame on the OW/OM?? My SO doesn't talk about my AP. If he (my SO) brings up xMM I do answer any questions he has but he (SO) holds me responsible for the A. One can not recover a marraige if they blame and hate their WW for having an affair. They have to move on. One can hate the OM forever and wish he would die so they can go an piss on his grave and still forgive their WW. Many a WS protect the AP by defending them when the BS says how bad and evil the OM/OW was. This is normal reaction on and close to dday. With time the WS realizes what a POS the OP was and will stop defending them and or realizes that the affair was wrong but the good feelings for their OP are not doing them any good to recall and that they further realize that their BS can not stand to hear the WS say the OP was except for the affair a really nice guy. So they stop defending the OP. As time go by, as in to 2 to 5 years the BS stops bashing the OP because the satisfaction is no longer to be had from beating a dead horse because the BS realizes the horse is dead. This is where your question Wanting More comes in: The BH should acknowledge that if the marraige was bad 50% of the blame goes to himself and 50% to his WW. The WW should acknowledge that her choice to have an affair 100% of the blame is to herself. OM did he rape you with a gun to your head or a knife to your throat? Did OM date rape drug you? Were you forced in any way by the OM to bang him? If not "the" OM, you could of had an affair with another OM. Anyone could of been the OM as far as a BH is concerned. Yes the pain is worse when a WW bangs the BH's best friend, BH brother or any other of BH's relatives, BH's boss, BH's rival from school years or at work. But even in these examples the WW was not forced. The WW laid down, hiked up her skirt, dropped her pants, whatever and willingly made things happen. Just as easy as she said yes a WW could of said no. No is no. That is all a BH knows. That his WW did not say no. You as a WW I hope realize that you can not blame shift any of the burden that is your cross to bear. Edited January 11, 2013 by road 1
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