Sexual flirtation when first meeting someone

[counterman]

So this year would be one of my last years at university. I'm 21 and still a virgin. I want to make the most of this year in terms of dating.

 

I cold approached a lot last year, but realised that I came across as too nice. As in, I was too friendly in my impressions and although I had a few girls interested, the majority weren't. I want to push it further this year and get more sexual.

 

I don't live on campus, I live about an hour away. So it's harder to take a girl back to my place from campus.

 

Since I'm very inexperienced with this, I don't know how to approach it. Should I bring up sex in the first conservation? Or is there a more subtle way? If you could give me examples of great sexual conversations you've had, that would be awesome

[ThaWholigan]

So this year would be one of my last years at university. I'm 21 and still a virgin. I want to make the most of this year in terms of dating.

 

I cold approached a lot last year, but realised that I came across as too nice. As in, I was too friendly in my impressions and although I had a few girls interested, the majority weren't. I want to push it further this year and get more sexual.

 

I don't live on campus, I live about an hour away. So it's harder to take a girl back to my place from campus.

 

Since I'm very inexperienced with this, I don't know how to approach it. Should I bring up sex in the first conservation? Or is there a more subtle way? If you could give me examples of great sexual conversations you've had, that would be awesome

 

Its going to be very hard to talk sex in a first conversation during a cold approach if you're not experienced at doing so. Best tips if you want to do this are to reference a sexual scenario in 3rd person (it doesn't involve you or her). You can also use language infrequently that includes heavy double entendres - this requires some skill in terms of delivery. Also, having confident, and natural body language and posture can help. Again, hard to do if you're a stranger to her, but if you're gonna do it, be bold and not hesitant with your words and actions.

[MrCastle]

It's not really speaking sexually that does it, but being sexual. Touch her (not inappropriately) to show her you're confident and not afraid to go after what you want. Most guys who end up friendzoned never know how or when to get physical. Get physical from the beginning. It can be as simple as an arm touch or touching her waist to guide her in a direction if you're walking.

 

Once you display that sexual confidence, then after getting to know her, you can start with sexual innuendo and stuff.

 

I believe it's said that more than 90% of communication is non verbal. It's not what you say but your body language when you say it.

[ThaWholigan]

It's not really speaking sexually that does it, but being sexual. Touch her (not inappropriately) to show her you're confident and not afraid to go after what you want. Most guys who end up friendzoned never know how or when to get physical. Get physical from the beginning. It can be as simple as an arm touch or touching her waist to guide her in a direction if you're walking.

 

Once you display that sexual confidence, then after getting to know her, you can start with sexual innuendo and stuff.

 

I believe it's said that more than 90% of communication is non verbal. It's not what you say but your body language when you say it.

This.

 

Can't believe I forgot such a vital component. Yes, touching is important. Some women may come in and tell you not to do this, but generally a light touch in an appropriate area will suffice in getting her calibrated and used to your touch.

 

There will be times where none of this will work on particular girls, but if she responds you will know she's interested in you. But don't be afraid to find out .

[Lani]

Definitely go with the light touching. Their response will tell you whether or not there is any sexual attraction from their end. If not, you make your decision whether or not to stick around (assuming straight up sexual attraction is what you're after here).

I've got a little trick, which always seems to work a charm in getting someone that little bit closer- when she says something, tell her you didn't hear it and that she needs to come closer. Then do it again. By then she should be nice and close and speaking into you ear, then when she pulls back, give her a cheeky smile and say something along the lines of 'I still think you need to come closer...'

She'll definitely be onto what you're doing. If she questions you, just tell her she smells amazing.

I had it done to me once, and I giggled like a horny schoolgirl. I've done it about 5 times since, with success each time.

Being cheeky is the main piece of advice I can give you. You can push your limits without anything being too serious. Playfulness from the start will get them every time.

[counterman]

That's true - that's why I want to push my own comfort levels and get more experienced at it. Thanks for the tips; the idea is that I want her to think about sex and get her aroused. I've sext before but have screwed up as well. Referencing a scenario in 3rd person is a great idea as well as double entendres. I use the latter sporadically. I realise how very little I've flirted with girls over the past several months, so would take time getting comfortable with this.

 

Now touching, or not touching, is why I've been friendzoned a few times. I had several dates with girls where I didn't touch them AT ALL and some where I didn't even flirt. Needless to say, there was no second date. Thing is, with my girl friends and my guy friends, I'm usually very hands on i.e. pats on back, arms, hugs, etc. With new girls that I meet, I shake their hand as an introduction and hug when I leave... nothing much in between. I have to start getting more physical, as you say, simple touch on the arm or guiding her. Or maybe a hand at the small of her back. Or even holding her hand for a brief moment.

 

If some girls don't respond well to it, I'll know to move on, but you're right, if she does respond, then I know it's on. I don't mind trying it out and really pushing my comfort levels. High risk, high reward. The worst that can happen is that I get rejected; don't think I'll get slapped - at least I hope not

[Lani]

At least you seem to have the right attitude about it.

It's all in the touching. When you see a girl you've met before, then give her a quick kiss on the cheek. Doing that from the first moment you see them opens it up for the rest of the time you spend together. If you don't do that, and then go touching them, it makes things a little awkward.

Once you start getting touchy whenever you can, then you'll be surprised at how many moments there actually are.

Be playful, it's my best advice.

[skydiveaddict]

Since I'm very inexperienced with this, I don't know how to approach it. Should I bring up sex in the first conservation?

 

lol , no.

 

Or is there a more subtle way?

 

Yes there is. Be a gentleman. If you like a girl, ask her out for coffee. Ask her what her intrests are. What does she like to do? Tell her a little bit about yourself too. See where it goes from there.

[Feelin Frisky]

I too recommend leading with one's touch. But I myself hate to be touched, even by a hot chick if I'm just talking for the first time. It's invasive. I'm assuming that you are going to make some kind of routine social connection first, so, touch is a way to sense if you are welcome. You don't just touch someone. If you start walking together for instance, offering your arm for her to grab on to is better than grabbing her hand. If she takes your arm, soon after you can drop it--if she follows to your hand, you've been accepted to make hand contact. Move in gently. If she moves off your arm rather than down the arm to the hand, you've been told something--perhaps you're nice and possible material to her but not yet, and more likely, not at all. I never initiate a verbal sexual dialog. Maybe you should avail yourself of PUA (pick-up artist) vids on youtube. I found that my popularity soared compared to my peers at your age by refraining from being obnoxiously anxious about hurrying that subject or trying to sound cocky. I know you don't want to be friend zoned but as far as I know, it's just bad form to make sexual cracks. I'm sure you can find some drunken sluts who are aggresively on the make if you look for that and act like your the biggest swinging dick in town and score, but that was never my way. Then again, I was not privleged to go away to college. Good luck and fcck a few for me.

[KungFuJoe]

This is one of those, if you have to ask, don't.

 

Sexuality and flirtiness are natural traits...like being funny or sarcastic. Some people are...some people aren't.

 

You apparently aren't. No big deal, neither am I. If you have to try, it will just come off as awkward. I have a good friend that does it all the time and I cringe when I see girls stiffen up around him when he tries to touch them or say something sexual in nature.

 

I just let the girls flirt with me. . I'm much better at responding to flirtiness than initiating.

[KungFuJoe]

Hey counterman, when you "like" every comment in your thread it makes me feel less special when you like mine.

[counterman]

Lani, that is some really good advice. I will try that. Having someone come closer naturally creates a more intimate moment - I'm done it before, without knowing what it did with my ex-girlfriend. She took a sniff of my neck and let out huge sigh. As for most of the guys I know who are good with girls, all of them have been really playful - flirty and playful. I had a few girls join one of my groups recently, and we only wave when we see each other and say goodbye, never hug. I'm use to hugging, so it's a bit awkward for me. But I guess the way you greet from the first moment dictates how greetings would likely be every moment after. I'll go with a hug and quick kiss on the cheek next time.

 

skydiveaddict, I am usually a gentleman and that's the path I usually take when meeting girls and dating. At the core, that is who I am - I just want to push my comfort zone a little, be a bit more playful.

 

Feelin Frisky, I agree. I wouldn't invade or harass any women and just touch them randomly. Naturally, with my friends, I'm hands on. I'm pretty comfortable with touching. With a girl I just met, I'll reign that in just a tad, but at most it'll be light touching and I'll pick up whether she's comfortable or not. As for sexual cracks, I have had friends that do this and it's always met with bad responses. That's simply not me, that loud, cocky guy. At college though, it seems like most of the girls go for the loud douchebags. I don't bother with those girls. I'll see how it goes and definitely get a few for you

 

KungFuJoe, I agree to a certain extent. I have a couple of friends who are just naturally flirty and playful, and they were born around many sisters and always interacted with girls. I was shy for most of my high school years and really had to put myself out there to break out of it. It was awkward at first but after joining different sports team, going to different events and talking to more people in class, I gradually became more comfortable. When I started cold approaching, it was extremely awkward and uncomfortable and most certainly others would cringe at the sight of it. But as I became more comfortable, the girls became more comfortable. So with this, I want to get comfortable with flirting and being playful. I am with friends but with girls I've just met, not so much. We'll see how it goes. Definitely responding to flirtiness, I'm better at than initiating as well.

[MrWindupBird]

I offer this advice to any person who wants sexual experience:

 

Lower your standards to have a fling or two. Many may find this mean-spirited or immoral for some reason, but a man's sexual confidence is often amplified by a thousand once he finally does the deed. When I was a teenager, I was awkward with females and often intimidated. A girl who many said was reaching for me was really forward about wanting to have sex. I was pretty desperate to do it, so I was onboard. I hadn't really even kissed a girl.

 

A week later, I'd had sex with two more girls already. I felt so much better about myself after proving I could do it. It was like riding a bike for me, and I think as long as you're caring and dedicated under the sheets, you'll take her positive feedback as even more reinforcement to your own confidence, and you can change your position in life pretty much in the span of a day.

 

I think it's just getting over the hump. Be confident, but don't take be afraid to make fun of yourself. Find a girl somewhat under your previous radar, knock it out, and enjoy this life.

[counterman]

Hey counterman, when you "like" every comment in your thread it makes me feel less special when you like mine.

 

I only like comments that I think are helpful! So far everyone of them has been beneficial to me in some way, yours included - please don't feel any less special

 

I offer this advice to any person who wants sexual experience:

 

Lower your standards to have a fling or two. Many may find this mean-spirited or immoral for some reason, but a man's sexual confidence is often amplified by a thousand once he finally does the deed. When I was a teenager, I was awkward with females and often intimidated. A girl who many said was reaching for me was really forward about wanting to have sex. I was pretty desperate to do it, so I was onboard. I hadn't really even kissed a girl.

 

A week later, I'd had sex with two more girls already. I felt so much better about myself after proving I could do it. It was like riding a bike for me, and I think as long as you're caring and dedicated under the sheets, you'll take her positive feedback as even more reinforcement to your own confidence, and you can change your position in life pretty much in the span of a day.

 

I think it's just getting over the hump. Be confident, but don't take be afraid to make fun of yourself. Find a girl somewhat under your previous radar, knock it out, and enjoy this life.

 

Looking back, I have had several opportunities to have sex... Reason I didn't do the deed was because I was scared and also they weren't "hot" - as shallow as that sounds. I was 15 turning 16 when I had my first chance. The girl I was into, also really liked me, and implied as soon as we turn 16, she would have sex with me. She was taller than me but I had no clue what I was doing. I probably should have done it then and there.

 

When I was in my first, and only, relationship, my ex-girlfriend wanted to wait before having sex. It turns out she just wasn't that attracted to me.

 

A year after, one of my friend's cousin was getting really physical with me (and only me) ALL the time. She kept flirting and I knew if I wanted to have sex with her, I could. I wasn't THAT attracted to her but I must admit I did like the attention. When I didn't reciprocate, she stopped flirting with me and 2 months later, she lost her virginity to another guy.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. What I learnt is that I can't be too picky. To have that sexual confidence, I think I need at sexual experience. Like with your experience, you gained confidence from that initial experience and the experiences afterwards. Getting over the hump would change things drastically. I'm thinking A LOT about sex and although it hasn't affected other aspects of my life, it may begin to. The urge to really put myself out there and try has never been greater. There are a few girls previously under my radar but I think with a few I just need to make a move and it'll happen. I guess if I can physically do it, then I would

[Mr.White]

If a friend introduces you go in for the hug. NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW AWKWARD.

 

I find that it can help break the ice, if followed by a nice, warm personality. Dont be that creep just standing there silently, but don't do something stupid either.

 

I would try to give you more advice but I freely allow me to express myself (keep in mind I convince myself to be comfortable and relaxed) and then the rest seems to be magic.

 

Confidence in yourself, but keep in mind confidence and cocky are two different words.

[PJKino]

As an unattractive dude i avoid heavy flirtation and touching as it would only creep out the women

[counterman]

If a friend introduces you go in for the hug. NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW AWKWARD.

 

I find that it can help break the ice, if followed by a nice, warm personality. Dont be that creep just standing there silently, but don't do something stupid either.

 

I would try to give you more advice but I freely allow me to express myself (keep in mind I convince myself to be comfortable and relaxed) and then the rest seems to be magic.

 

Confidence in yourself, but keep in mind confidence and cocky are two different words.

 

 

Thanks for the tip - I have to get into the habit of giving hugs. I don't really like the wave. THAT seems awkward to me, since I'm usually hands on with my friends.

 

I'll convince myself to be relaxed and not hesitate. I think after a little while, I'll be more comfortable.

 

As an unattractive dude i avoid heavy flirtation and touching as it would only creep out the women

 

I'm sure some girls find you attractive and wouldn't mind lighting touching and flirting from you

[ThaWholigan]

As an unattractive dude i avoid heavy flirtation and touching as it would only creep out the women

Just do it dude. How are you even gonna get anywhere?

[Treasa]

It's not really speaking sexually that does it, but being sexual. Touch her (not inappropriately) to show her you're confident and not afraid to go after what you want. Most guys who end up friendzoned never know how or when to get physical. Get physical from the beginning. It can be as simple as an arm touch or touching her waist to guide her in a direction if you're walking.

 

Once you display that sexual confidence, then after getting to know her, you can start with sexual innuendo and stuff.

 

I believe it's said that more than 90% of communication is non verbal. It's not what you say but your body language when you say it.

 

I ditto this. If there's someone I'm interested, male or female, I'll be playfully running my fingers through their hair, or rubbing their back, or laying my head against their shoulder, or whispering something into their ear so they can feel my breath against their neck, etc. Of course, I observe a lot and only do this with people who seem receptive.

[GravityMan]

As an unattractive dude i avoid heavy flirtation and touching as it would only creep out the women

 

Stop thinking of yourself as "unattractive" and stop thinking that your touching will automatically creep out all women; those negative thoughts simply hurt your chances with women. It's like you failed without even giving yourself a chance. Just because you feel that way doesn't mean that all women think you're unattractive.

[Els]

This is one of those, if you have to ask, don't.

 

Sexuality and flirtiness are natural traits...like being funny or sarcastic. Some people are...some people aren't.

 

You apparently aren't. No big deal, neither am I. If you have to try, it will just come off as awkward. I have a good friend that does it all the time and I cringe when I see girls stiffen up around him when he tries to touch them or say something sexual in nature.

 

Definitely, seconded. I think touching can help - IF you can pull it off very well. Otherwise, it will just push the girl further away from you, if she was on the fence to begin with. I think you can try MrC's suggestion, but you need to be observant and read the responses. If girls start cringing, stop immediately and think of other ways to flirt. There was a guy in my social circle who touched every non-attached female in our social circle - it was bloody obvious! They were really uncomfortable with the way he did it but he didn't seem to notice. Unfortunately he hasn't even noticed that they're all avoiding him now.

[counterman]

I ditto this. If there's someone I'm interested, male or female, I'll be playfully running my fingers through their hair, or rubbing their back, or laying my head against their shoulder, or whispering something into their ear so they can feel my breath against their neck, etc. Of course, I observe a lot and only do this with people who seem receptive.

 

That is so hot

 

If you are interested in a girl, when you're talking to her, you look straight into her eyes. Look into her eyes confidently. Then, maybe just a couple times while you're talking to her (assuming a sitting position that allows this), you put your hand on her thigh, just above the knee. Not a slap, not a grab.....somewhere in between, just for a couple seconds. If she us down with you, she will know you're interested, and then done deal.

 

Also, if you're walking, you can try to walk sorta close and lightly bump into each other a little. A girl who is not interested will make space. A girl who likes you will let that contact linger.

 

Naturally, all of this happens after you've actually been talking for a little while, so don't pull it when you pick her up.

 

Awesome, thanks for the advice. I once had a girl place her hand on my thigh for a few seconds. I looked up and she held her eye contact and smiled. It was on but she had a boyfriend.

 

I like that idea, if she pulls away and makes space, then I can calibrate and pull back a little.

 

I'm by no means a good-looking dude. I've approached many girls who are way more attractive and dated a couple who were more attractive. For me, it's about being more and more comfortable with myself. Because really, it is out minds that hold us back and sometimes before we even try something, we rule it out.

[Els]

Edit: And no, this is not related to appearance - the guy was decent looking and about 5'11", which is REALLY tall for an Asian dude. It's about how you do it, and that's not something that can be expressed in words.

[counterman]

Elswyth, I get where you are coming from. I had this former friend of mine. He use to be really hands on with MOST the girls he was friends with i.e. he would put his arm around them for a long time, hold his hugs a bit too tight and too long, etc. It was noticeable what he was doing. He was friendzoned by all of them and they all described with as creepy and weird. Problem was that he was also trying to "sneak" his way into a relationship by trying to be a friend with these girls and he was a bit too horny and couldn't control it.

 

With your friend, I think someone should tell him.

 

I'm really aware about how I am and how others respond.Trying to be less awkward is actually being more awkward sometimes. It is difficult to put in words and no way is it a mechanical process as in she does A, then I do B or I touch her her for X amount time and then hold eye contact for Y amount of time. With girls I'm friends, I'm naturally very warm, and physical. With the guys, lots of pats on the back, handshakes, fist bumps, etc. With girls, pat on the arm, light grip on shoulder, etc. But it's when I'm with a girl I'm interested in, that I tend to pull myself back from being physical, to the point where there's almost no contact at all. I guess what has held me back is nervousness and being worried about how she would react. It had never occurred to me that if I am comfortable and not hesitant and confident, then there's every chance that she'll be more receptive to it, though there still may be a chance she'll be uncomfortable. Either way, it's about pushing my own comfort level and getting more comfortable being a better me. I'm usually very observant, so when I pick up any discomfort, I would pull back

[Els]

Based on what I know of him, there's going to be little purpose in telling him. He's one of those guys who can really live in denial sometimes. He hasn't picked up on ANY of the very noticeable signs of women avoiding him, so if I were to tell him straight out he'd just think I was spouting BS. Nah, too much potential awkwardness and drama there. One day he'll grow up enough to see, I hope.

 

If you're observant there shouldn't be a problem with trying, at all. Good luck!