LDR ended, seeking closure?

[ana0pera]

I decided to end my LDR because I couldn't trust my bf anymore. I found out he was flirting with other girls even though we were exclusive, leading to a huge argument during our last visit. We made up pretty quickly though but then had another minor argument over the same things after the trip, which we never really resolved because he kept delaying talking about the issue (commitment and exclusivity). So after he stood me up on talking about it for nearly a week, I texted him that I was done. He never responded which pissed me off even more, so I started NC.

 

But I could barely go 24 hours without contacting him. I am visiting a city that he's wanted to go to for a while, so I sent him a picture of the beach and said it was warm (I am in the tropics whereas he is stuck in Northern Europe. serves him right)! Anyway, he immediately texted me back that it looked lovely and that we also need to exchange pictures from our trip when I get back home. I told him that yes we should exchange pictures, and I left it at that.

 

I am on day two of NC. Being busy really helps, I simply don't have time to contact even if I am thinking about him. Trying hard not to think about him but it isn't that easy, especially when I am somewhere that we wanted to visit together.

 

I am just worried that my NC resolve will break when I return home and get the urge to check in with him like I used to do so frequently. But I promised myself that if he wants these photos, which he can have--he did plan a beautiful, fun, trip that was very expensive for him and gave me a really nice surprise gift--he is going to have to start the conversation. I am done reaching out to him and being left with an empty, wounded hand.

 

So now as I see it, I have boiled it down to two options about sharing photos. do I:

 

(a) Do the skype chat and exchange photos, see if he brings up the issue and if so talk about it, if not, say nothing about it and just goodbye? I could also bring it up myself...

 

(b) e-mail him the photos and a message saying here are the photos but I don't want to actually talk because we have unresolved issues that i don't see ever getting solved, and continue with NC.

 

Part of me is hoping that this picture exchange is a thinly veiled attempt to tell me his feelings, and from that I am hoping to get closure...I am not sure if I can trust him enough to be with him again, sadly, even though I miss him and feel like he was very genuine to me, but perhaps things were moving too fast and he was afraid of committing to me because right now i am still working on my career and thus it's hard to have an end date. I want to move to Northern Europe after my studies and there is a good chance that I can get a job there, it is very common in my field, but nothing is certain, and that position would only be temporary (a post-doc). But he might just want us to exchange photos of the trip and nothing more, which would be devastating in a way.

[umirano]

What is this about? Exchanging pictures or getting closure? If you merely want to send him picture, a push method will do just fine.

 

 

• E-mail (only viable if they are few)
  
• Put them on a public server (dropbox, imageshack, flickr)
  
• send him a cd or a pen drive
  

If it's about closure, why bother with the pictures??? And I don't advise you to get closure. Read TaraMaiden's NC guide, 2013 version. Forcing closure usually gets you into troubles. His answers to your questions will lead to even more questions, he will lie to you to protect your or his feelings. It's sadly very often a pointless exercise in nostalgy that only delays the process of healing.

 

 

I'm sorry for you, all the best!

[ana0pera]

To be honest, I don't really know what I want or what it's about. It ended so suddenly because we were never on the same page for the last two weeks and it became really hard for me. I have never quitted on anything in my life though so I would love to talk to him and try making it work, but I realize that I am only half of the situation and I cannot force him to want to make it work. At this point though I am pessimistic about any future we could have together and worry that getting back together would be self-destructive. I don't want to end with harsh feelings. The more I think about our situation the more I understand his point of view, even if I don't agree with it, I recognize the cultural and personal differences between us that likely contribute to how we've handled the situation and why the problems arose in the first place.

 

Thing is, I think bringing up the pictures might be his way of talking about our issues. the last message i sent him (to which he didn't reply, and I am not sure he even got it, although I sent him a message beforehand in the same vein that i know he got) basically said goodbye and i will not wait for him any longer to figure out if he wanted to be with me or not. He has always skirted around difficult subjects because he doesn't like confrontation or arguments, so it wouldn't be surprising if this was the case.

 

I will read the NC guide and take some more time to decide what to do. I am definitely not planning on breaking NC to contact him; if I break it (which I don't know if I will do) it will be only after he contacts me. Sending them as emails does seem like a good idea in many ways, the more I think about it.

[Hal_TX]

I decided to end my LDR because I couldn't trust my bf anymore. I found out he was flirting with other girls even though we were exclusive, leading to a huge argument during our last visit. We made up pretty quickly though but then had another minor argument over the same things after the trip, which we never really resolved because he kept delaying talking about the issue (commitment and exclusivity). So after he stood me up on talking about it for nearly a week, I texted him that I was done. He never responded which pissed me off even more, so I started NC.

 

But I could barely go 24 hours without contacting him. I am visiting a city that he's wanted to go to for a while, so I sent him a picture of the beach and said it was warm (I am in the tropics whereas he is stuck in Northern Europe. serves him right)! Anyway, he immediately texted me back that it looked lovely and that we also need to exchange pictures from our trip when I get back home. I told him that yes we should exchange pictures, and I left it at that.

 

I am on day two of NC. Being busy really helps, I simply don't have time to contact even if I am thinking about him. Trying hard not to think about him but it isn't that easy, especially when I am somewhere that we wanted to visit together.

 

I am just worried that my NC resolve will break when I return home and get the urge to check in with him like I used to do so frequently. But I promised myself that if he wants these photos, which he can have--he did plan a beautiful, fun, trip that was very expensive for him and gave me a really nice surprise gift--he is going to have to start the conversation. I am done reaching out to him and being left with an empty, wounded hand.

 

So now as I see it, I have boiled it down to two options about sharing photos. do I:

 

(a) Do the skype chat and exchange photos, see if he brings up the issue and if so talk about it, if not, say nothing about it and just goodbye? I could also bring it up myself...

 

(b) e-mail him the photos and a message saying here are the photos but I don't want to actually talk because we have unresolved issues that i don't see ever getting solved, and continue with NC.

 

Part of me is hoping that this picture exchange is a thinly veiled attempt to tell me his feelings, and from that I am hoping to get closure...I am not sure if I can trust him enough to be with him again, sadly, even though I miss him and feel like he was very genuine to me, but perhaps things were moving too fast and he was afraid of committing to me because right now i am still working on my career and thus it's hard to have an end date. I want to move to Northern Europe after my studies and there is a good chance that I can get a job there, it is very common in my field, but nothing is certain, and that position would only be temporary (a post-doc). But he might just want us to exchange photos of the trip and nothing more, which would be devastating in a way.

 

how is it NC if you're sending him photos?

 

NC is just games anyway. What does it accomplish other than confusing the other person? It's childish.

 

Btw. When a girl texts a guy that "she is done" why should the guy respond? Ok, so he responds asking "why?" or says something else. Then the next response from the girl is "leave me alone." Well hell, now the guy is really confused and he can't respond back because then he's being "creepy".

 

If you want to break it off you do it in person or in the case of a LDR you do it over the phone. Never ever through a text or an email.

[justwhoiam]

how is it NC if you're sending him photos?

 

NC is just games anyway. What does it accomplish other than confusing the other person? It's childish.

 

Btw. When a girl texts a guy that "she is done" why should the guy respond? Ok, so he responds asking "why?" or says something else. Then the next response from the girl is "leave me alone." Well hell, now the guy is really confused and he can't respond back because then he's being "creepy".

 

If you want to break it off you do it in person or in the case of a LDR you do it over the phone. Never ever through a text or an email.

Let me guess... are you a man?

[justwhoiam]

ana0pera, do not contact him unless he does. If he asks for pics, send him pics of landscapes without you in them.

 

Don't be sweet, reply with very short sentences (even better with yes or no), don't ask questions and be kind at all times (thank yous when necessary). Don't lie, even if he asks you if you still love him or are in love with him.

[umirano]

how is it NC if you're sending him photos?

 

It's not.

 

NC is just games anyway. What does it accomplish other than confusing the other person? It's childish.

Wrong. NC is a means of healing. Nothing more nothing less. Yes, the dumpee suffers from the information asymmetry. Or does he? If this is a concern, fine go ahead and try to get closure. At some point going NC is benefiting both.

 

Never ever through a text or an email.

Why not, say A cheats on B, B finds out. B, imo, has every right to send a terse email, saying 'Found out you cheated, we're through. Bye.'. Hell, he even has the right to go NC immediately and not say anything. Childish? Maybe. Agressive or hurtful? Possibly. But what does it really matter.

 

If B is through with A for some other reason and still cherishes her/him, then a more soft landing is certainly advisable. But also then, going NC after whatever closure A and B get from each other helps them both.

 

So no, going NC is not a game.

[AngrySpider]

I'm kinda on the fence about the whole no contact thing.I can see it as being of critical importance in a situation where somebody's being abusive/threatening,etc., or if there are irreconcilable differences in the relationship.At that point,cutting off contact would be a good thing.

 

But I think that,in some cases,closing that window of opportunity outright may not be the best idea.People break up sometimes but they end up getting back together anyway.Whatever differences that may be between two people could indeed be reconcilable.It happens all the time.If you're the type who believes in things being "meant to be," it's not going to matter how steadfast a person is in abstaining from contact with the other.It would only prove to be futile anyway...lol.

[ana0pera]

oh! didn't realize people were still replying to this thread, a bit of time has passed since i first posted it and with that time, some things happened.

 

how is it NC if you're sending him photos?

I said in that post that I had broke NC when I sent him pictures of the beach. Between the time that I sent those pics and I started the thread, I had been NC for a mere two days. I ended up just sharing the photos via email a few days later and didn't say anything else at all.

 

I don't think NC is childish or game playing, it definitely helps to heal if you've broken up. That said I was not good at keeping NC and for me, I ended up having to do semi-NC.

 

For me, it meant never going back begging for him, saying I missed him, or apologizing for wrongs that i did (or didn't commit). It meant no small talk, just business. So I sent him the photos and when he tried to make small talk through text, I just gave terse "yes" or "no" responses. Then I told him not to send me his pictures because I was trying to heal. I eventually wrote him a letter when I was starting to feel better about myself and the situation and sent that to him. No breadcrumbs, accusations, anything. Just to say that it was nice what we had but now it's time for me to move on and that I wish you good luck. It was how I found closure and it worked for me.

 

Surprisingly he responded to that and wanted to talk. I (foolishly? not too sure yet) agreed and he followed through this time. We had an honest discussion and he followed through with the requests I asked of him. He promised he'd work harder on communication and asked for a second chance. I decided to give him one but only on the condition that there are no more disappearing acts, dishonesty, etc. I am holding my breath and I will probably be holding it for a while, until i see some real long-lasting change. I am not afraid to break it off anymore and I think that my semi-NC really helped me get to that point. It provided some space so that I could see clearly, and I am still a bit unsure if I made the right decision to get back together with him because of all we've been through but I can't lie and say I don't love him anymore and I did want to try and make this work... that's what I wanted in the first place before he started flaking out ~1 month ago.

 

And in my situation I think it was totally okay to do this through email. He was ignoring any sort of real time discussion that I initiated and it was the only way that I could get through to him. I am pretty emotional too so it gave me some time to really compose myself and him time to think about it. It's obviously not ideal, and perhaps it's a bit selfish because I know he has seen the email/sms, as opposed to a phone call where he might not pick up or a meeting that he might cancel.

 

I do realize that I gave confusing signals to him and that might be why he didn't respond, but that's BS to me and he himself admits that is not the reason why he didn't respond. He eventually did respond too after I said I am done. I am sorry but if you love someone and you see them pleading for a moment of your time and you ignore them, and then when they throw in the towel you're totally okay with that, then you are a heartless, cowardly, a-hole who didn't love him/her in the first place. period

Edited January 31, 2013 by ana0pera

[PepperPotts]

Ana-- I don't think there's anything bad about giving somebody a second chance. But you do need to realize that you're opening yourself up for more pain, and *he* needs to realize that this is his last shot.

 

You can't let him get away with his past behavior-- it's not healthy for you. If he starts to flake out again, call him on it. If he doesn't improve, remind him that you couldn't deal with this before and *go.*

 

You have to follow through or you'll end up in a yo-yo pattern where you are perpetually with someone you love, but who isn't right for you.

 

All that sad stuff being said, the great thing about second chances is they *work* if both people recognize their problems and move past them.

 

And it sounds to me like he started getting distant when things started getting serious. This happens. I am a big believer that LDR only magnifies in-person issues, and that any LDR issue would be an issue in person as well.* He likely would have flirted with girls at this stage in your relationship even if you were in the same town.

 

Out of curiosity, had you been dating in the 6-8 month range when all of this went down? My world for the last three years has been a bit of a goldfish bowl in professional school, and a few of us discovered that relationships tend to break down/implode at about that point. Things start getting serious, and it starts meaning something. Both parties are faced with the realization that continuing the relationship makes it a *real thing* with *real consequences* because they're developing very serious feelings for each other. In addition, the shine begins to wear off-- you start noticing the annoying quirks or habits your SO has and you can't just giggle about them anymore. The interesting thing we found was that couples don't tend to realize what's happening. All they know is they are finding the other person annoying, fights are happening more often, and tempers are short. Often, one or both parties will want to spend more time out with friends (often at bars or in other party-scenarios where single members of the opposite sex will be). Most couples don't realize the cause of the problem, just the symptoms. We only realized it after comparing war stories and realizing the commonalities.

 

Strong couples push through this period, and are stronger for it. Relationships that just won't work fall apart.

 

Anyway, my point is, it's possible that the Six Month Curse happened to you and your boyfriend. In that case, a second chance is an even better idea! And if not then sorry for the lengthy tangent

 

*except for an inability to be in the same place for a very, very extended period of time (if ever). That's a specifically LDR issue that can seriously damage or destroy a relationship.

[ana0pera]

Thanks for the insight and comments, PepperPotts.

 

I am being REALLY cautious because I don't want to get hurt again--I realize that I am taking a big chance and I think I communicated to him well that this is the last chance. I am not afraid to call him out anymore and I am not going to put up with him reverting to old habits. It's going to be difficult as we both work together to recognize our problems but hopefully it will be okay.

 

It's interesting that you mention the 6-8 month curse, because our last meeting and the ensuing argument happened almost exactly 8 months after he suggested we be exclusive! He also told me that a lot of his friends who've been together for years are breaking up, so he at least is definitely surrounded by people who are questioning their commitment to their SOs. I feel like the honeymoon period is over and that we see each other faults and all, and the fact that we can still stand each other and think positively about the other (more or less ) is a really good sign!

 

We'll see what happens, I am going to be more honest with myself and him regarding my feelings this time, and also slightly more cautious in how emotionally invested I get so that I am not let down drastically if it doesn't work.

[PepperPotts]

I think that's a great plan, and I also think the curse probably struck you. That's ok! It means you don't have to worry that he was tired of you or looking to cheat. His heart hit the panic button.

 

Stay cautious, and we're here for you no matter what happens. Make it plain to him that he's on probation and that you love him, but you know a relationship has to be healthy to last.

 

If you haven't read it, check out Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. You should be able to find it at the library or really cheap on Amazon. I realize that's old fashioned and kind of cliche, but it helped me soooo much when my SO and I transitioned to LDR from in-person. We were recovering from the curse at the time (we didn't break up but we had several little fights and one really big one, which was complicated by the stress of the impending separation), and it helped me understand what I was doing to potentially sabotage the relationship. It also helped me see what *he* was doing, but you can't change somebody else's behavior-- just yours! The bright side was that I was able to understand what he meant when he said/did some of the things he said/did.