emptyruins Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not sure where to begin, however this is my first post. I will try to keep it short for now and can expand later. My backstory: 39 year old male who is very jaded, surrounded in debt (mostly student loans), extremely depressed, has no choice but to live with mentally abusive parents, works 2 jobs (low paying no bennies) 6 to 7 days a week, 2 soft degrees (B.A. and technical degree) and cannot find a decent paying job in this harsh economy to start my life. My girlfriend who is 23 yrs old, and I, have recently taken a break. We've been dating for 8 mos. and she has been feeling "unhappy" for about 2 mos. now. It's been rocky for the last 2 mos or so. We've had 2 major arguments due to her responding to texts of other guys she used to talk to, or just guy friends. However I'm very negative and bitter because of the situation that I've been in for over 6 years and put in since I was a child. We both live with our parents and she is currently in school. However we did manage to see each other 2 times a week, but there was no privacy and not much alone time which really took a toll on our relationship I believe. We were madly in love with each other, but yet she feels, and is being told by her parents that we're not right for each other. She feels that I need to get my priorities straight and her mom (who thinks I'm 31) is telling her that I'm too old to not have a house, guidance, career path, insurance, retirement plan. However it's not my fault. I've been trying. 1000's of resumes, constant rejections...I just want a normal life. It's hard when you've worked your entire life, put yourself through school...you graduate...and nothing...Just rejections..No connections..etc. My ex said the constant fights and negativity was too much for her and she loves me but does not know where we are headed and possibly does not see a future between us (whereas in the past she has.) She says that I can't get out of my situation if she's in my life and just wants us both to be happy. Throughout the relationship I bent over backwards and tried to appease her and make her happy, when in reality I was sacrificing my own happiness. And then when things were not reciprocated, I would fly off the handle. Anyway I'm sorry if it seems like I'm babbling but I don't know what to do? She isn't sure what to do, doesn't have an answer, so she wanted a break. I want stability, and have been striving for that the last 6 years. I truly feel that we were meant to be, and need to find a balance in this relationship, if it's not too late. Just unsure what to do? The mental pain that I've been suffering from before we met has started again. I don't want to go back to that really dark place. I know you can't rely on someone for your happiness, but the first step is for me to get out of my parents house, but I need some more time to find a better paying job and stability. And I do feel like I can do that with her in my life, if only she could see it. Does anyone have advice? Thanks.
Author emptyruins Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Hey everyone. Just looking for some advice. So we've talked and she feels she needed to take a break to reflect and breathe a little. She's not sure what she wants and where she stands. She says all the arguments have taken a toll on her and just needs time. I guaranteed her that I will work on my negativity, but she's indecisive on if we need to work on ourselves before we can be in a relationship? I told her that we can work on ourselves while in a relationship together because we can grow together? IDK. Please any advice out there? I'm so lost right now.
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Argh!! The "Let's go on a break!" talk! We're going to break it to you gently, bluntly, no-nonsense, kindly and above all, factually. There - is - no - such - thing - as - a break. Let me ask you: During this break, are you still talking and communicating? Are you still 'exclusive' or can you hang out with others? Does this include 'making out' or do you have to abstain from sex and be completely celibate? How long is this 'break' for? A week? A month? Six Months? A year? Who decides when this 'break' is over? Is there a guarantee that at the end, you will be back together, or will you have put your life on hold for her - only to be told, "Actually, I've moved on, and it's not there any more...."...? See? No such thing as a break. Buster - you guys are broken up.....
Author emptyruins Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) Hey Tara Maiden, Thanks for your response. We're still in a relationship. No talk as to seeing others or time frame. She didn't know what to do for her unhappiness. She's confused as to why she is unhappy and possibly thinks it's about our arguments and my jealousy and negativity issues. We still talk in regards to the problems that we've had. I think we're just trying to establish normacy again. It's been 3 days now. She just texted me asking me what time I work? I'm laying back and giving her her space and completely understand that I need to improve. You really think the break thing is just an excuse? She says that things are still not resolved though. She didn't know how to resolve these issues. Whether seeing more of each other or less was the answer. She chose the latter. Edited January 12, 2013 by emptyruins spelling
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 This relationship is anything but. How can you be in one, but seeing less of each other...? This is slowly gliding towards a break-up. She's clearly unhappy, and is letting you down s-l-o-w-l-y. Are you jealous? Are you negative? If yes, I hate to tell you this, but even if you were now to try to salvage the matter, work on these factors, remedy your side of things and make efforts to 'change' - it would be too little, too late. She began checking out a while ago. She's lost the will and strength to keep this up, and she's all done. And nothing you will say or do, will change her mind, because nothing you will do will be immediately provable; neither will she be prepared to invest the trust to believe that you are changing for good, and changing for yourself. The motive, right now, will be to keep her. Once you achieve 'keeping her' she will have no guarantee that you won't lapse into old habits again. And understand this: Finding the problem - is a far cry from solving the problem. That could take years. And i don't think that's something she's willing to put up with....
Author emptyruins Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Thanks Tara. Any other opinions would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to cope with this and find strength. Just so drained from of all the rejection that I've faced in my life.
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