Lived out fantasy. Now issues

[jennytheleo]

We have been married 17 years, my husband is in his 40’s, I am 39. Our relationship has been fantastic from day one, we fight like any other couple but we know how to communicate and sort things out. I guess we are just like any other couple.

 

We have many bedroom fantasies, we role play a bit, it’s all in fun and we both have a great time exploring. But I need to relate to you one particular fantasy so you can see where my problem is.

 

I like being dominated in bed and my husband often ties me up or we used those fluffy handcuffs and he also blindfolds me. Well it’s actually a full face mask but has the same effect except that a blindfold can fall off. We both often fantasize about my husband swapping with another man without me knowing to see if I would feel that it wasn’t him. He often uses one of our toys to simulate this and look, it’s all just in fun, no harm, right? I find the fantasy of this incredibly horny and have often told him this.

 

Well my husband, as much as I love him, has taken it too far. About a month ago he made this come true. He organized a guy, tied me up as usual and we played out the fantasy. It was only a very long way into this when I started giving a blowjob that I realized. It took me about 10 seconds to realize that hang on that’s a real penis I am sucking and it’s someone real between my legs. I screamed and screamed and screamed and my husband untied me as fast as he could with me wriggling around everywhere. They were both so apologetic, I told the other guy to go and he just left. My husband kept apologizing saying he thought this was what I wanted.

 

I feel like I have cheated on him, I know that is irrational, but it’s how I feel. My husband assures me he has no ill feeling toward me, in fact he was quite turned on by it all at the time. He realizes his mistake, has apologized constantly and it obviously will never happen again.

 

In 17 years of marriage and 19 years together I have never so much as kissed another guy and now this. This sex was no holds barred as it always is between us only this time one part of us wasn’t who it should have been.

 

I actually feel really bad for my husband because if the truth be known I had made it sound like I wanted that fantasy to be reality. But that was just in my head, I never would have contemplated actually doing it.

 

My husband and I have pretty much worked through this, I still feel a bit dirty about it all but I can’t stay mad at him. As stupid as men can sometimes be, he did think he was doing what I wanted. I just need to train him a little better.

 

The biggest issue is not the act itself it’s the aftermath. We have dealt with the act and have got passed that.

 

But I now find myself still having that same fantasy that I have always had but now I can put a face to that other man. I am not sure of my feelings but I am starting to think that I would let it happen again. The fantasy is now a lot more intense than it was before. Is this a normal reaction, will this subside?

 

But that leads on to the next big problem, the other guy is our next door neighbor. He is separated from his wife, for close to 12 months but the trouble is that I am good friends with her. It has really affected my friendship with her, I avoid her now because everytime I see her I keep thinking I slept with your husband and I would possibly do it again. And she talks about him a lot because she is trying to get back with him. And everytime I go outside I seem to bump into my neighbor and that is just really awkward. Neither of us want to discuss it but it doesn’t change the fact that it already happened. Neither he, nor my husband have any idea that I still fantasize about that night. I share everything with my husband but I don’t think I could share this.

 

Is there anything but time that can subdue these feelings? Should I tell me friend? Should I come clean with my husband that I still think about that night? I don’t fantasize about other men, just that night and that particular man and only in that fantasy, not in any other way. I have so many questions. What would others do in this situation?

[Mr. Lucky]

What would others do in this situation?

Your situation is unusual to the point that I don't think you're going to get a lot of respondents with similar "hands on" experience. And it covers so many aspects of marriage - trust, boundaries, respect, etc - that I think your issues are best addressed in MC. Some work to be done...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sure]

Since you've worked past the misunderstanding itself with your husband....

And since he said it turned him on...and you said that now the initial surprise is over, you might like to consider it...

 

All that sounds reasonable.

 

It's the neighbor thing. So, do you want to do it again or not?

If you do, do you want to do it with the neighbor or no?

[coffeebean201]

Do you feel like he cheated on you by doing this?

[jennytheleo]

It's the neighbor thing. So, do you want to do it again or not?

If you do, do you want to do it with the neighbor or no?

 

God no. I am happy for my fantasies to remain just that. I probably have a more vivid imagination than what the reality would be anyway.

 

My biggest concern is my friend. We have been friends for a long long time. I feel guilty not telling her but at the same time the reality is that they are not together right now. On top of that I know it will hurt her deeply and I don't want that. But yet I still feel guilty for not telling her. Now if I don't and one day they get back together and her husband confesses I think that will destroy our friendship as well.

 

I don't like secrets but feel in this case maybe it is justified. Do you think it is justified?

[jennytheleo]

Do you feel like he cheated on you by doing this?

 

Initially I felt like I cheated on him. I was the one that had sex with another man. I can't change that but we have sorted through these issues and while I am not happy with what he did I do have to take some of the blame for making it sound so much like I wanted it for real.

[Got it]

I see it as he violating you. He made an executive decision that it was going to become reality, who it was going to be and when/how it was going to happen. You had no say about the fantasy becoming reality. I think unless you two agreed that you were going to make it happen and he had the freedom to decide when, who, and how, then he violated your trust and not the other way around.

 

Why should you feel guilt over it? You had no say. In essence it was a form of rape.

[jennytheleo]

I think unless you two agreed that you were going to make it happen and he had the freedom to decide when, who, and how, then he violated your trust and not the other way around.

 

This is where I do take some of the blame away from him because I was very vocal with wanting this. I was saying things like find another man for us, I want you both together etc. But this was just part of my fantasy. Obviously the line between fantasy and reality became blurred and he thought I was speaking for real. If I look back over my actions and am honest with myself I do have to share partial blame.

[2sure]

Dont tell her. It was a mistake. It wasnt as though it was an intimacy shared...it was a recreational thing that totally backfired and it seems like all involved regret it. Especially the neighbor guy - I mean chances are your husband had to convince him a little. He is probably mortified as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

Dont tell her. It was a mistake. It wasnt as though it was an intimacy shared...it was a recreational thing that totally backfired and it seems like all involved regret it. Especially the neighbor guy - I mean chances are your husband had to convince him a little. He is probably mortified as well.

Probably true. Also, how and what would you tell her?

 

"In a dark room while I was blindfolded and acting out what I thought was an agreed upon fantasy involving only my husband and I..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[KraftDinner]

I see it as he violating you. He made an executive decision that it was going to become reality, who it was going to be and when/how it was going to happen. You had no say about the fantasy becoming reality. I think unless you two agreed that you were going to make it happen and he had the freedom to decide when, who, and how, then he violated your trust and not the other way around.

 

Why should you feel guilt over it? You had no say. In essence it was a form of rape.

 

These were my thoughts exactly.

[coffeebean201]

-he didn't give you a choice about the other person in the threesome;

-he didn't warn you in advance about the threesome taking place; and

-he didn't give you veto over some people he thought were options for a threesome.

 

I think you have to insist that he consults you before the sexual escapades take place.

 

He obviously wants to make you happy and share this with you. And he also seems to want to keep a huge amount of control over the situation.

[jennytheleo]

I think you have to insist that he consults you before the sexual escapades take place.

 

He obviously wants to make you happy and share this with you. And he also seems to want to keep a huge amount of control over the situation.

 

To be brutally honest, it's the lack of control I like best. I never expected it to happen in a real situation only a fantasy one but having done it, (although I would not do it again), the fantasy is now so much stronger. To know my husband wanted me to do it, to know he showed no jealousy afterward has now made the thought of doing this again really strong (but only as a fantasy).

 

It was just a communication error and I think from now on I will just have to add "as a fantasy ONLY" after I express my sexual desires to him. Men can be dumb like that.

 

I am still not convinced of what to do with my friend. I pride myself as an honest and open person and keeping this secret will be hard for me. I have been playing matchmaker trying to get them back together and I believe they are close. It is going to be real unpleasant socializing with them as we often do when 3 out of the 4 of us have slept together and the 4th is none the wiser. And I keep thinking what if I don't tell and then her husband confesses one day.

 

If I do tell, she will likely forgive him as the reason they split is that she cheated with a stripper at a bachelorette party (Looong story, maybe another thread one day). But I think it will be very hard for us to be as close as we have been. But at least it will be out in the open.

[xxoo]

This is where I do take some of the blame away from him because I was very vocal with wanting this. I was saying things like find another man for us, I want you both together etc. But this was just part of my fantasy. Obviously the line between fantasy and reality became blurred and he thought I was speaking for real. If I look back over my actions and am honest with myself I do have to share partial blame.

 

You were saying things during role play?

 

Or over breakfast at the kitchen table?

 

Because unless there was a sober conversation (a conversation not during sex play), how could he have assumed you meant for real?

 

Why wouldn't he at least double-check in a sober moment of clarity before talking to the neighbor? Why wouldn't he ask if you approved of his choice?

 

He crossed some major boundaries. It isn't your fault. He probably knew that you wouldn't consent, so he "pushed the envelope" and hoped for the best.

 

He knew you wouldn't consent.

[Feelin Frisky]

I see it as he violating you. He made an executive decision that it was going to become reality, who it was going to be and when/how it was going to happen. You had no say about the fantasy becoming reality. I think unless you two agreed that you were going to make it happen and he had the freedom to decide when, who, and how, then he violated your trust and not the other way around.

 

Why should you feel guilt over it? You had no say. In essence it was a form of rape.

 

I agree in principle with this. I know you commented on this already so I don't need a comeback. This was absurdly stupid. I myself would never want the person I love to be messed with in that way and invite the world of uncertainties. He should have asked you--not drawn his own conclusion. If I were you I'd have trust issues with him now because it would bother me how he went about bringing this up with the neighbor. I'd wonder if he's got something gay/bi going on with this guy. Who does that? Are they "wing men"? Or this just came out of no where?

[jennytheleo]

You were saying things during role play?

 

Or over breakfast at the kitchen table?

 

Because unless there was a sober conversation (a conversation not during sex play), how could he have assumed you meant for real?

 

This is why it is a grey area because it was discussed in 'sober' moments. During the day for example we would talk about getting another guy tonight. In my mind that was just flirting and setting the scene for that nights fantasy. In his mind that was the sober moment when he assumed I meant it for real. And this wasn't a one off conversation, this sort of thing happened countless times. We even occasionally watch porno movies together and I often commented on how I'd like to try this or that, but again just as a fantasy.

 

I can see people here are concerned that I have been used or violated. I can assure you that we have worked past that and re-established our boundaries. It was an honest mistake, or if it wasn't he is good at lying, and he is not a good liar.

[Sparty97]

It was his fault for crossing a boundary, but I can see where he got confused about what you really wanted...your responses here still leave some doubt in my mind as to what you really want.

[Turtles]

It sounds like you guys have worked & resolved the issues between you, congratz on the good comm.

 

So the only question is about the neighbor & his wife, I don't see how it could ever not be awkward interacting with either one of them, but it will probably lessen over time. I would most certainly not tell the wife anything about it unless you 2 were very, very good friends, I don't think you have to follow the same policy of disclosure with a friend as you do with a spouse. I think that would just be adding oil to the fire.

[shalisha42]

We have been married 17 years, my husband is in his 40’s, I am 39. Our relationship has been fantastic from day one, we fight like any other couple but we know how to communicate and sort things out. I guess we are just like any other couple.

 

We have many bedroom fantasies, we role play a bit, it’s all in fun and we both have a great time exploring. But I need to relate to you one particular fantasy so you can see where my problem is.

 

I like being dominated in bed and my husband often ties me up or we used those fluffy handcuffs and he also blindfolds me. Well it’s actually a full face mask but has the same effect except that a blindfold can fall off. We both often fantasize about my husband swapping with another man without me knowing to see if I would feel that it wasn’t him. He often uses one of our toys to simulate this and look, it’s all just in fun, no harm, right? I find the fantasy of this incredibly horny and have often told him this.

 

Well my husband, as much as I love him, has taken it too far. About a month ago he made this come true. He organized a guy, tied me up as usual and we played out the fantasy. It was only a very long way into this when I started giving a blowjob that I realized. It took me about 10 seconds to realize that hang on that’s a real penis I am sucking and it’s someone real between my legs. I screamed and screamed and screamed and my husband untied me as fast as he could with me wriggling around everywhere. They were both so apologetic, I told the other guy to go and he just left. My husband kept apologizing saying he thought this was what I wanted.

 

I feel like I have cheated on him, I know that is irrational, but it’s how I feel. My husband assures me he has no ill feeling toward me, in fact he was quite turned on by it all at the time. He realizes his mistake, has apologized constantly and it obviously will never happen again.

 

In 17 years of marriage and 19 years together I have never so much as kissed another guy and now this. This sex was no holds barred as it always is between us only this time one part of us wasn’t who it should have been.

 

I actually feel really bad for my husband because if the truth be known I had made it sound like I wanted that fantasy to be reality. But that was just in my head, I never would have contemplated actually doing it.

 

My husband and I have pretty much worked through this, I still feel a bit dirty about it all but I can’t stay mad at him. As stupid as men can sometimes be, he did think he was doing what I wanted. I just need to train him a little better.

 

The biggest issue is not the act itself it’s the aftermath. We have dealt with the act and have got passed that.

 

But I now find myself still having that same fantasy that I have always had but now I can put a face to that other man. I am not sure of my feelings but I am starting to think that I would let it happen again. The fantasy is now a lot more intense than it was before. Is this a normal reaction, will this subside?

 

But that leads on to the next big problem, the other guy is our next door neighbor. He is separated from his wife, for close to 12 months but the trouble is that I am good friends with her. It has really affected my friendship with her, I avoid her now because everytime I see her I keep thinking I slept with your husband and I would possibly do it again. And she talks about him a lot because she is trying to get back with him. And everytime I go outside I seem to bump into my neighbor and that is just really awkward. Neither of us want to discuss it but it doesn’t change the fact that it already happened. Neither he, nor my husband have any idea that I still fantasize about that night. I share everything with my husband but I don’t think I could share this.

 

Is there anything but time that can subdue these feelings? Should I tell me friend? Should I come clean with my husband that I still think about that night? I don’t fantasize about other men, just that night and that particular man and only in that fantasy, not in any other way. I have so many questions. What would others do in this situation?

 

Excuse me - what happened to you is called RAPE! Your husband facilitated a rape. Why are YOU apologizing to HIM?? You made it clear to him that it was a FANTASY. HE betrayed you, lied to you, tricked you and facilitated a rape. You need to understand that. You should be angry with HIM. He is a manipulating bastard. You have no reason to trust him. I am so upset that you are taking responsibility for this.

[shalisha42]

That you enjoyed it, doesn't make it any less of a rape. You didn't consent to it. You thought it was your husband's penis. Both men are low life scum bags. Your neighbor because he would agree to stick his penis in you without your knowledge or consent and your husband for lying to you and abusing your trust.

 

Tell me. Do you trust your husband? why do YOU feel guilty? YOU were the one that was tricked?

[jennytheleo]

Tell me. Do you trust your husband? why do YOU feel guilty? YOU were the one that was tricked?

 

Of course I trust my husband. You're reaction is too far over the top, you look to be ignoring some pertinent facts in order to create an issue where there isn't one.

 

Let me ask you, if I really wanted to live out my fantasy and I really did want my husband to find another anonymous man, and I did want to be tied and blindfolded, would it still be rape? Because from my husbands eyes that is exactly what happened. Yes, he was wrong, but being wrong doesn't suddenly make it rape. I refuse to be blind to that fact but that is the one that you seem to have missed.

 

You are of course entitled to your opinion but it does not in any way represent the feelings I have toward the situation.

[shalisha42]

Of course I trust my husband. You're reaction is too far over the top, you look to be ignoring some pertinent facts in order to create an issue where there isn't one.

 

Let me ask you, if I really wanted to live out my fantasy and I really did want my husband to find another anonymous man, and I did want to be tied and blindfolded, would it still be rape? Because from my husbands eyes that is exactly what happened. Yes, he was wrong, but being wrong doesn't suddenly make it rape. I refuse to be blind to that fact but that is the one that you seem to have missed.

 

You are of course entitled to your opinion but it does not in any way represent the feelings I have toward the situation.

 

Based on your post, you stressed that the IDEA was a fantasy and thay neither of you agreed to actually bring in another person.

 

If that is not the case, why did you scream and try to break free? Sorry, but you're in denial. Someone sticking their cock in you without permission is called rape. You just don't want to accept that. It's easier to blame yourself. Why do you think it's still called rape if a girl/woman is drunk and unable to give her consent?

 

Continue to live in denial. But then don't post on here asking us for advice. Unless you can point out where specifically in your post, you said that it was okay for your husband to actually bring in another man without your permission, your husband facilitated a rape, your neighbor raped you and you are in denial about the whole thing.

[shalisha42]

Excuse me - what happened to you is called RAPE! Your husband facilitated a rape. Why are YOU apologizing to HIM?? You made it clear to him that it was a FANTASY. HE betrayed you, lied to you, tricked you and facilitated a rape. You need to understand that. You should be angry with HIM. He is a manipulating bastard. You have no reason to trust him. I am so upset that you are taking responsibility for this.

 

 

You even state "my husband took it a bit too far" That tells me you DID NOT consent to him doing this!

[shalisha42]

This is why it is a grey area because it was discussed in 'sober' moments. During the day for example we would talk about getting another guy tonight. In my mind that was just flirting and setting the scene for that nights fantasy. In his mind that was the sober moment when he assumed I meant it for real. And this wasn't a one off conversation, this sort of thing happened countless times. We even occasionally watch porno movies together and I often commented on how I'd like to try this or that, but again just as a fantasy.

 

I can see people here are concerned that I have been used or violated. I can assure you that we have worked past that and re-established our boundaries. It was an honest mistake, or if it wasn't he is good at lying, and he is not a good liar.

 

Talking about it is one thing, giving your permission is another. I'm more annoyed with your denial and refusing to acknowledge that your husband betrayed you, cannot be trusted and is a creep to do that while you were bound and helpless. It was a sadistic thing to do. But the fact that you say it's okay, means you deserve each other.

[jennytheleo]

But then don't post on here asking us for advice.

 

I don't believe I asked for advice about that night. I believe I asked for advice about a few lingering feelings and more specifically whether or not to tell my friend.

 

your husband betrayed you, cannot be trusted and is a creep.

 

That is a great amateur, very amateur observation made from a few posts on an internet forum. Fortunately I know him a fair bit better than you and while you may think you know him I actually do.

 

you deserve each other.

 

Thank you. I believe we do too, we are very much in love and don't take misunderstandings (however big) and turn them into some monsterous case of rage.