MsPrada Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I haven't posted here for a long time but I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a much older man. I'm 27, he is 54. (He didn't tell me the truth about his age in the beginning, I was in love by the time I knew the truth). During the relationship we spent almost everyday and every waking moment together (we both work from home). But I always kept my own separate apartment, so I never fully moved in. We had many good times, up and downs like any normal relationship. But things started the change the bad times were becoming more and more frequent. I could never do anything right, I was never good enough, I was constantly compared to his ex, I was belittled and condescended. Things even got physical, only 3 times in 4 years but he kicked me, slapped me in my face, and "accidentally" broke my ankle. He was God to me, I let this man control and manipulate my mind and break me down. We also had the best of times, the best love making, the best vacations, a very nice lifestyle, and he was my best friend. Obviously the end was inevitable but I was so afraid to lose him. I had ended the relationship many and many times only to run back to him. He never initiated with me after a break up. I broke up with him in November after telling myself over and over again this is not right. We had LC and then started to hang out again. We were "dating" again but not officially exclusive. We decided to spend 10 days together at his second home and to spend the holidays together. We were arguing and disagreeing about everything. Of course I am not allowed to have my own voice or opinion, and I resented that. Well we didn't make it to Christmas. 3 days before Christmas we had a HUGE fight, we ended up calling each other names, pointing out each others flaws and insecurities, I told him he was old, ugly, fat and a loser. He told me I was ugly as well and much more. It got really ugly, we had decided to go home and cut our vacation short. I apologized for the mean things I said on the ride home but he had nothing else to say to me. When I dropped him off he said he never wanted to hear from me again. He asked me not to call, email, text, or ever contact him again in anyway. He said he wants to start 2013 without me in his life. I asked him what I changed or got therapy. He said no matter what he does not want me in his life. He said maybe call him after I am 30 years old and have matured and become a decent human being. I emailed him a long closure email on Christmas day and of course no response. I went 2 weeks NC and got weak and broke it. I sent a text a couple days ago saying I am not strong enough to go cold turkey and that I think about him and worry about him every second of the day. No response. He is done with me forever, he wants nothing to do with me ever again. I knew we didn't belong together I just thought we would at least always be in some sort of touch with each other. I never thought I wouldn't be able to just send a text and see how he is doing. He is 54 never married no kids. He is all alone I worry about him. His parents are deceased, he has no one. He is very stubborn and prideful so I am sure I will never hear from him again and it just kills me that he can just go on as if I never existed. I called him from a blocked number yesterday, he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I get technically today is my first day of NC all over again. It's interesting how I ended things in November but the following month he ended up being the one to end all communication and ties. This was the longest relationship I've ever had and the deepest I've ever loved. I am soo depressed without him.
pinkie Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I don't know what it is with these older guys... I dated a 53 year old for a much shorter period of time (7) months and everything was good (I'm 41 btw).... We both had our faults, but to him, mine were much more detrimental to the relationship than his. He's never been married or had children, his family absolutely loved me and said they'd never seen him so happy... Then BAM! We have a fight, go a day without speaking, he sends a goodmorning text, says he still loves me and the next thing I know, he says our relationship is OVER. He was so petulant and insecure. Accusatory in every sense of the word and really just a miserable person with deep seeded issues that he refused to fix. Mind you all of this happened right after the holidays... I'm on day 4 of NC. He bought me a ring one month after dating and gave it to me while I was in the hospital. At christmas he bought diamond earrings to match (that he still has because I stormed out on New Years Eve without them) Now he's demanding the ring back, (which he often did, whenever we had a disagreement) and I just refuse to give it to him. He can sue me! It's like he used it to have some sort of control/power over me. He's now giving me the silent treatment as well. Imagine that. Anyway, it sucks all the way around. I knew he was emotionally unavailable. I guess it was my fault for loving him and actually believing that at this point in his life he was ready to love someone back. Oh well, his loss. I feel your pain. 4 years is a very long long long time. I couldn't imagine.
pinkie Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Sorry, didn't mean to vent on you about me. But in saying all that, your relationship sounded very volatile to say the least and abusive. Just take your time to go through the emotions, stop contacting him and move on as best you can. You deserve WAY better!!!
Samilia Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I haven't posted here for a long time but I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a much older man. I'm 27, he is 54. (He didn't tell me the truth about his age in the beginning, I was in love by the time I knew the truth). During the relationship we spent almost everyday and every waking moment together (we both work from home). But I always kept my own separate apartment, so I never fully moved in. We had many good times, up and downs like any normal relationship. But things started the change the bad times were becoming more and more frequent. I could never do anything right, I was never good enough, I was constantly compared to his ex, I was belittled and condescended. Things even got physical, only 3 times in 4 years but he kicked me, slapped me in my face, and "accidentally" broke my ankle. He was God to me, I let this man control and manipulate my mind and break me down. We also had the best of times, the best love making, the best vacations, a very nice lifestyle, and he was my best friend. Obviously the end was inevitable but I was so afraid to lose him. I had ended the relationship many and many times only to run back to him. He never initiated with me after a break up. I broke up with him in November after telling myself over and over again this is not right. We had LC and then started to hang out again. We were "dating" again but not officially exclusive. We decided to spend 10 days together at his second home and to spend the holidays together. We were arguing and disagreeing about everything. Of course I am not allowed to have my own voice or opinion, and I resented that. Well we didn't make it to Christmas. 3 days before Christmas we had a HUGE fight, we ended up calling each other names, pointing out each others flaws and insecurities, I told him he was old, ugly, fat and a loser. He told me I was ugly as well and much more. It got really ugly, we had decided to go home and cut our vacation short. I apologized for the mean things I said on the ride home but he had nothing else to say to me. When I dropped him off he said he never wanted to hear from me again. He asked me not to call, email, text, or ever contact him again in anyway. He said he wants to start 2013 without me in his life. I asked him what I changed or got therapy. He said no matter what he does not want me in his life. He said maybe call him after I am 30 years old and have matured and become a decent human being. I emailed him a long closure email on Christmas day and of course no response. I went 2 weeks NC and got weak and broke it. I sent a text a couple days ago saying I am not strong enough to go cold turkey and that I think about him and worry about him every second of the day. No response. He is done with me forever, he wants nothing to do with me ever again. I knew we didn't belong together I just thought we would at least always be in some sort of touch with each other. I never thought I wouldn't be able to just send a text and see how he is doing. He is 54 never married no kids. He is all alone I worry about him. His parents are deceased, he has no one. He is very stubborn and prideful so I am sure I will never hear from him again and it just kills me that he can just go on as if I never existed. I called him from a blocked number yesterday, he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I get technically today is my first day of NC all over again. It's interesting how I ended things in November but the following month he ended up being the one to end all communication and ties. This was the longest relationship I've ever had and the deepest I've ever loved. I am soo depressed without him. Why are you willing to accept verbal and physical abuse? That's what comes to my mind. You willing to get that guy back into your life isn't something I feel empathy for. You say your life is ruined, personally I think you just got a second chance. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) Your relationship sounded unhealthy and unhappy in general. I'm sure there were still good, happy times but...within a relationship, as you of course know, nobody should EVER be physically violent with their partner. That shows a complete lack of respect for the person, to violate their physical space and body like that. On top of that are these recurring fights you would have. You both seemed to fight "dirty", calling each other ugly, fat, old, etc. That is VERY hurtful and shows me that both of you had fairly deep seated emotional issues and unhappiness being together in that relationship. It was not just about whatever you were fighting about, or you wouldn't have gone so low as to call each other those hurtful things. I can actually understand why you would succumb to that - he had been hurting you and disrespecting you for years, so why WOULD you be fully capable of containing your fights to the topic at hand instead of lashing out and expressing your deeper hurt at his treatment of you over the years? In any case, I know you loved him, however... 1. He was physically abusive to you 2. He was emotionally unkind and abusive to you 3. You knew deep down you were unhappy with him and that the relationship would not last forever I think it's very hard for you right now because he is the one who ended up finally ending the relationship, not you. If you had done it and been able to stick to your resolve, you may be in a bit of a better place right now. It's also always so very difficult to suddenly have someone vanish from your life who for however many years was pretty much your everything, even if they didn't treat you very well during your time together. Often, for people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships, they become addicted or dependent on that type of poor treatment. They somehow develop the concept that THAT behaviour is love. And as hard as it is right now to deal with not having him in your life anymore, it is your chance to start again and sever those ties and old concepts of what love and a relationship meant to you. This WILL improve. You will slowly pick up the pieces of your shattered self esteem. It's hard enough on your self esteem levels when a relationship ends suddenly at the will of your partner, but even worse when your self esteem was low throughout the relationship because of the way the person treated you. Your life is NOT ruined, believe me. I feel my life at the moment is a bit ruined too, but I know deep down it's not. You have been set free. That's how I see it. It'll just take a while for you to build yourself back up and find yourself again. Good luck. Edited January 11, 2013 by stevie_23
Author MsPrada Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Thank you so much for your insight! You are absolutely right in everything that you said. I just need to come to grips with myself and realize I will eventually heal. Day 2 of NC, just trying to stay busy with friends, gym, and stay as positive as I can about the situation.
Author MsPrada Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I just have to stop thinking of the good times we had. I need to remind myself more of how controlling, manipulative, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, and out right abusive he was to me over the course of our whole relationship. I can't believe I still love this person.
Samilia Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I just have to stop thinking of the good times we had. I need to remind myself more of how controlling, manipulative, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, and out right abusive he was to me over the course of our whole relationship. I can't believe I still love this person. If I was 27 there would be a couple things I would do different.. your life has just began. Start it right.
jovan Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) It was unhealthy dear. And man that puts his hand on a woman is no man at all. God i'd kick is ass if I knew him, there is no excuse for this kind of behavior. I can't believe that you'd rather be unhappy and abused, then leave his destructive good for nothing ass! It does hurt, but it does get better in time. If I were you I'd stay a hell away from that guy. Edited January 12, 2013 by jovan
newmoon Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 your life is definitely not ruined, you have a wonderful chance to start over and, as he even pointed out, make a clean start for the new year. it seems like you're doing a lot of the giving in this relationship and he's not giving you much positivity in return. don't waste any more time on this man and do not feel sorry for him. he is alone, childless and unmarried for a reason and it's not pride - it's in the way he acts towards women and treats people. you need to concentrate on the hurtful things he says/does towards you and especially the fact he was abusive. the man is only to blame the first time he hits a woman; after that it's her fault - for staying/going back. you are much too young for this - find comfort in friends and family and here on the boards and keep up NC (again)
stevie_23 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I just have to stop thinking of the good times we had. I need to remind myself more of how controlling, manipulative, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, and out right abusive he was to me over the course of our whole relationship. I can't believe I still love this person. You don't necessarily have to banish all the good times from your mind. I don't think that's useful actually. It's not exactly encouraging for your self esteem to have to question why you were ever with someone if there were NO good times, right? So obviously there were good times. You should be comforted by those even, perhaps, when the time is right. The thing to remember though with regard to this, is that just because there were good times does not mean he will change, it does not mean YOU could have changed him or that YOU could have somehow done something to make there be MORE good times instead of bad ones. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, him and yourself included. You're only on day 2 of NC as well. That's SUCH early days! Give yourself a bit of a break and try to just move slowly and gradually through this difficult time. You are a decent, worthwhile and loveable person who simply deserves to be loved by someone who treats people decently as human beings.
stevie_23 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 The man is only to blame the first time he hits a woman; after that it's her fault - for staying/going back. SO, SO, SO TRUE!!!! The man should still never hit the woman of course, but it is up to HER to decide how she wants to be treated and what kind of behaviour, interactions, treatment and relationship make her happy.
Mcnulty Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Read up on codependency, it might help clarify some things about yourself.
Author MsPrada Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Thanks so much for your advice everyone!! I have been going out with friends, it's definitely easier on the weekends haha! Day 3 here we go!!
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