mooshkas Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I met beautiful man on an online dating site early this past summer (2012). I learned that for the past 7 years he had been living between Costa Rica and New York City. He was planning on returning to NYC late July with the intention of looking for a home to buy. He was sick of living in Costa Rica and wanted to start a business in NYC. He's a special type of artist. So beautiful man and I kept in touch, emailed, and had a few video dates. It was nice and I felt we had a special connection. In the meantime I kept dating with an open mind, but I could not help feeling there was something special about him, and I couldn't wait to meet him. We met the night he got back to NYC. He and a friend came to a bar I was at celebrating a friend's birthday. When I met him it was love at first site for me. Not just because of his looks (he's gorgeous) but deeper than that, there was an instinctual animal primal attraction for me. This feeling rarely ever happens for me but every time it has it has turned into a meaningful relationship. He felt it too, and we started dating. We got close really quickly and within no time he asked me to be his girlfriend. I remember he took his online dating profile down before he even got back to NYC. I had left mine up. He didn't say anything about it until about a month or so into dating. It was after he came back from California the first time. He's an artist and had started going out to California about 6 months before to pursue his art, a special type of art he was slowly realizing he could not feasibly pursue in NYC. When he came back to NYC after being out in Cali for a few weeks, he told me he realized the more people he spent time with, the more he realized he liked being with me. He said all these amazing things to me. It was the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. As you can imagine I was happy to hear this but at the same time hesitant, because he was pretty drunk when he said all this, so I wasn't sure if I should take him seriously. I remembered he had once told me he tends to say a lot of things he doesn't mean when he's drunk. Soon after this night we had a fight and he got really upset my profile was still up. I realized at this point he was serious and had real feelings for me. As soon as I heard the passion in his (sober) voice and realized he was for real I took my profile down without hesitation. Everything was going great. Shortly after we started being in a relationship he told me he was crazy about me and that he loved me. We would talk about things such as starting a life together and having children. Not right away, but in the future. He started realizing more and more that he wanted to be in NorCal, not NYC. He kept trying to convince me I would love it out there (it would be easy for me to relocate there), but I had gone through an awful experience in SoCal the year before with my previous relationship, so I told him I would not go back to California, not for awhile anyway. Later he went out to Cali again, for a month this time, and our love connection remained strong. He was my best friend and we would talk a lot every day. We were really close and had a great relationship. When he came back he stayed with me at my place for a few weeks before he had to leave to go back to Costa Rica. We had a lot of fun and I felt happy and in love. I don't know why, but something told me to check the online dating site the day after he left to back to Costa Rica. I did, and was crushed to find his online profile back up. I freaked out on him about it and he told me he was on there for the same reason I was. He was checking on me. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we carried on. I thought all was well. While he was back in Costa Rica he got really depressed. I know he was dealing with a lot trying to figure it all out. He has a lot of responsibilities in Costa Rica which is not easy to walk away from, but he wants out in the worst way. We talked about his situation and feelings about it quite a bit. It's important to mention that even though he had expressed desire to be out in California, he never led me to believe he would be moving anywhere other than NY. He always led me to believe his plan was still to move to NY and buy a place there. It was a few weeks after he got back to Costa Rica when I remember he stopped telling me he loved me. I didn't think anything of it, because I knew he was going through a difficult time and had a lot on his mind. We still talked a lot and our connection seemed well. I made plans to go out to Costa Rica and visit him. This was pretty recent, about a month ago today. It had been a month since I had seen him and when I got to Costa Rica he was really physically distant with me the entire time. I tried to talk to him about it but he kept passing it off like nothing was wrong. He said he had a lot on his mind and kept telling me to chill out. Here I was in this beautiful romantic place, and my love didn't want to be close with me after I had not seen him for a month. I know he had a lot on his mind, and at one point he told me he felt like he was going through his mid-life crisis. It's not that he was mean to me . . . He tried his best to show me a good time and impress me, but it was more like two friends hanging out, not two lovers. I was heartbroken and tried my best not to make it that big of an issue while I was there. I am sure he could feel the tension though. I wrote him a heartfelt letter from the airport before I left Costa Rica. All I got in response was ":(". Perhaps I should have taken his advice and chilled out, but I couldn't. I kept pressing the issue because I felt like something was wrong. So again I had this intuition to check the online dating site. This time instead of NY, I checked for guys in California, and to my utter dismay, I found him. He had set-up a new profile saying he just moved to California. He wrote that he was new to the area and looking for love. Not just love but a life partner. . . All this gut wrenching stuff. All these things I thought he wanted with me . . . Seeing this completely broke my heart in half. I called him out on it and this time he didn't even respond. He just withdrew. A day or so later he finally talked to me, and told me he had decided to move to Cali. I told him that I understood and thought he would be happier out there than in NYC. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with hm, and that I wanted to relocate to Cali to be with him. His response was "Yeah, I like you too." and he said, "you always told me you would never go back to California", and "you are too settled in your current place". Since this time (very recent), I told him I love him and wanted move out to California with him. I was very passionate about it and told him in detail about the awesome life I thought we could have together. But, according to him it's too late. He has already started moving on and his heart is no longer with me. He was in NY this past week, wrapping this up here. He told me he wanted to see me. Of course I caved and ended up sleeping with him, which was absolutely amazing. Still, I wish I hadn't. I think it killed any respect he had left for me. We talked the next day and he told me he felt like something was 5% off with us. I knew not to argue that. Guys always want 100%. I asked him why he did what he did with the online dating profile. He said he wanted someone in his life out in California. I told him I wanted to be that woman, but he wasn't feeling it anymore. I asked him if it was time to close this chapter and move on. He said yes. He told me he wanted me to move on and find someone else. I tried not to contact him the rest of the time he was in NY but failed. He ignored me and I was devastated. I got upset and texted him the night before he left saying that I wish I hadn't of slept with him, because now he got what he wanted one last time and he was done with me. He texted back saying "I do care about you and I know you care about me. I don't want this to be the end. Please, take some time, reconsider, and know that I still care. I love you. I think you're great. I don't want to lose you." I texted him back saying that's really great to hear from him, and that everything I learned says no contact is best for awhile. He said "for awhile yes, not forever." Right before he left for Cali he told me he is going to miss me. I said I hope so . . . It has been a few days since he left for Cali, and we have had minimal contact. I feel him slipping away from me and I can barely tolerate this pain. I am having trouble sleeping, I can't eat and have this constant gut wrenching pit in my stomach. I cry multiple times every day. Mornings are the worst. I feel like I have lost the most amazing man I have ever known. He is trying meet another woman out in California with the intention of starting a life with her instead of me. I know this to be true. I don't even know how to deal with this pain. It's excrutiatiing. I am going to maintain the 'No Contact' rule and try to move on, but I feel like it is going to be an incredibly slow, painful process for me. I think he is the most amazing man I have ever met and I cannot even fathom how I am going to meet someone as incredible and unique as him again. Luckily I do have a lot of friends, a great career and passions/hobbies, but nothing matters now because love is the most important thing, and I feel like he's gone and is never coming back. I feel like he has moved on and I haven't. Please help me figure out how to deal with this pain. Thank you for reading, and I'd very much appreciate/welcome your comments/feedback.
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