Confronting it head on, or running away?

[BUBS]

I am looking for opinions on something my sister suggested to me in order to truly cope and heal with my break up. I told her I have deleted his information and am trying to do what many suggest, kill them off basically, burn pictures, forget their name and number and move on.

 

Then she threw a different suggestion out. She told me that if I hide from it, I'm not truly healing from it. She suggested that instead since I cannot afford to live in New Jersey on my own, that I should return to the belly of the beast, the very state that ripped my soul out (tx) with a friend or two and go to school there, somewhere at least a few hours away from him. Obviously Texas is more affordable. I told her she was nuts, that the last thing my poor heart could handle would be moving anywhere that reminds me of him which is the whole damned state... but she made a valid point...

 

She told me that if I move there it will sting at first, but that in seeing things for how they really are rather than a false version being 2000 miles away, seeing that even being in the same state wont make him come back, I'll begin to heal, she continued by saying that this was not the main thing that would make me heal, that the main thing would be establishing new memories without him in the places that remind me of him, having a new story to tell.

 

My ex fiance and I have had a soap opera movie romance, traveling america against our parents wishes as teenagers, relocating for one another, breaking up and then finding each other again years later, it's all in there. My sister seems to think that I wont ever be able to get him out of my system until I exhaust all of the possibilities I felt caused the break up, one of them being the distance and stress of me being homesick. She thinks that if I realize that all of these things still couldn't have saved it, I will heal... and more importantly that if I continue to put myself out there in a place I'm somewhat unfamiliar with and establish a real life down there, that Texas will no longer haunt me, or be about him, that his memories will fade and be replaced with new and better ones there, and that in time this will provide me with a feeling of independence (since I can afford to survive there and cannot here), power for facing my fears head on, and a feeling of knowing that while he took away our marriage and future together, that by moving he wasn't taking my plans for the future entirely, that Texas and living more simple and rural was a huge part of my grand plan with my ex that I could still have without him.

 

 

What do you guys think?

[flitzanu]

I am looking for opinions on something my sister suggested to me in order to truly cope and heal with my break up. I told her I have deleted his information and am trying to do what many suggest, kill them off basically, burn pictures, forget their name and number and move on.

 

Then she threw a different suggestion out. She told me that if I hide from it, I'm not truly healing from it. She suggested that instead since I cannot afford to live in New Jersey on my own, that I should return to the belly of the beast, the very state that ripped my soul out (tx) with a friend or two and go to school there, somewhere at least a few hours away from him. Obviously Texas is more affordable. I told her she was nuts, that the last thing my poor heart could handle would be moving anywhere that reminds me of him which is the whole damned state... but she made a valid point...

 

She told me that if I move there it will sting at first, but that in seeing things for how they really are rather than a false version being 2000 miles away, seeing that even being in the same state wont make him come back, I'll begin to heal, she continued by saying that this was not the main thing that would make me heal, that the main thing would be establishing new memories without him in the places that remind me of him, having a new story to tell.

 

My ex fiance and I have had a soap opera movie romance, traveling america against our parents wishes as teenagers, relocating for one another, breaking up and then finding each other again years later, it's all in there. My sister seems to think that I wont ever be able to get him out of my system until I exhaust all of the possibilities I felt caused the break up, one of them being the distance and stress of me being homesick. She thinks that if I realize that all of these things still couldn't have saved it, I will heal... and more importantly that if I continue to put myself out there in a place I'm somewhat unfamiliar with and establish a real life down there, that Texas will no longer haunt me, or be about him, that his memories will fade and be replaced with new and better ones there, and that in time this will provide me with a feeling of independence (since I can afford to survive there and cannot here), power for facing my fears head on, and a feeling of knowing that while he took away our marriage and future together, that by moving he wasn't taking my plans for the future entirely, that Texas and living more simple and rural was a huge part of my grand plan with my ex that I could still have without him.

 

 

What do you guys think?

 

so your sister is telling you to intentionally move to a state where your ex lives, where you don't know anyone, and have no friends or family...just to prove a point that you can live there?

[BUBS]

I have friends there, and two of my friends from new jersey want to move to Austin for school in September which is where I think she felt I would have some security. Aside from new jersey texas is the only place I've ever lived, so she thinks that getting out on my own is something that will build me up, but also thinks I should go somewhere that I'm somewhat familiar with and have friends in. I know it's kind of a cracked out idea. Which is why I'm asking others their opinion. The only thing that stood out to me was the whole "replacing memories with new ones" thing. So obviously you think its dumb right?

[flitzanu]

I have friends there, and two of my friends from new jersey want to move to Austin for school in September which is where I think she felt I would have some security. Aside from new jersey texas is the only place I've ever lived, so she thinks that getting out on my own is something that will build me up, but also thinks I should go somewhere that I'm somewhat familiar with and have friends in. I know it's kind of a cracked out idea. Which is why I'm asking others their opinion. The only thing that stood out to me was the whole "replacing memories with new ones" thing. So obviously you think its dumb right?

 

i won't say it's dumb, i think it's just a bit far fetched and unfounded. the idea behind forcing yourself to "face" the whole state that your heartbreak happened in, just doesn't make sense to me. healing is going to come from within you, not from your environment.

 

i mean, yes there's a point in facing your fears, i mean, i'll give you a smaller example.

 

i'm in a small city with a few big suburbs. my breakup a bit over 2 years ago now...well she's from a suburb that i work near. even 2 years later, i still feel awkward and anxious when i'm in the town. not sad...not depressed...just uneasy. it's a place i can totally avoid very easily, and i'll never need to go there.

 

so think of it this way. YOU as a person, you never HAVE to go to texas. you HAVE to buy gas, food, etc, but you will never be forced to go to texas. it just doesn't make much sense to do.

 

not to mention, it will constantly keep things in your mind for a while, and yes, you'll eventually move past it, but you'll move past it by staying where you are.

 

it just sounds like a lot of stress from moving, uprooting your life, etc...that is going to be piling ON TOP OF your heartbreak. it could just make you a stress induced mess by trying to take on so many outside experiences at once.

[BUBS]

I agree entirely with your post and that is my biggest apprehension, not being able to handle the stress and being worried that the whole building experiences there thing wont be enough to actually not still be reminded of him. I need to find somewhere to move outside of the state that I can afford eventually anyway... but I feel like what she suggested would be amazing in theory, I just don't know if I'm capable of actually finding the things she thinks I would out of it.

 

When she got her heart broken she moved away to florida and she said she spent years pining over it and everything else, and finally she moved back and built new memories that werent about him, basically everything she suggested to me, she said it was hard at first but by putting herself in such an uncomfortable situation she was forced to meet new people, try new things, and become self sufficient, and that when the time came where she ran into her ex for the first time in years she saw him completely differently, and that if she hadnt done that she would have continued to hold him on a pedestal forever by running away and glorifying it. She is happily married now. I guess her story inspired me a bit, I just don't know if it would work out the same way for me.

[flitzanu]

I agree entirely with your post and that is my biggest apprehension, not being able to handle the stress and being worried that the whole building experiences there thing wont be enough to actually not still be reminded of him. I need to find somewhere to move outside of the state that I can afford eventually anyway... but I feel like what she suggested would be amazing in theory, I just don't know if I'm capable of actually finding the things she thinks I would out of it.

 

When she got her heart broken she moved away to florida and she said she spent years pining over it and everything else, and finally she moved back and built new memories that werent about him, basically everything she suggested to me, she said it was hard at first but by putting herself in such an uncomfortable situation she was forced to meet new people, try new things, and become self sufficient, and that when the time came where she ran into her ex for the first time in years she saw him completely differently, and that if she hadnt done that she would have continued to hold him on a pedestal forever by running away and glorifying it. She is happily married now. I guess her story inspired me a bit, I just don't know if it would work out the same way for me.

 

yeah but Florida is more amazing than Texas. hahah.

 

it's tough, i mean i do get what she is trying to suggest, but i don't think that's your ONLY answer. if you want to move out of state, do it because you want to, and move somewhere YOU want to, not because you think it will force you to grow.

 

i mean, treatment for "phobias" is not always "you're afraid of snakes? let's throw you in a pit of snakes."

 

you cuold just avoid snakes.

 

doesn't make you less of a person, i just wouldn't invest so much time in thinking I HAVE TO GO FACE TEXAS SO I CAN HEAL. you know? seems like energy focused in some questionable directions.

 

again...strictly my perspective and opinion!

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

I think you should run for the hills and NEVER go back to Texas! Jk. Here are my thoughts. I think going back to Texas at a vulnerable state to "face your fears" or "create new memories" is a bad idea. There will come a time when you will have to do that but by then you will be a lot stronger and more able and willing to face the challenges head on. I think you need to be somewhere far away from him and the "ghost" that once was you guys.

 

Here is an example from my life. My ex and I lived together in my house. When we broke up I left my own house so that she can have a place to stay. Once she moves out I still will not go back there at least not for awhile because I still am not ready or willing to deal with the memories and the "ghost" of our relationship. Obviously I can't hide forever from my own place but when i'm ready (which is going to be soon) I will go back there and face the emotional demons but this time from a stronger emotional position then from where I was.

[nsteen87]

Everyone handles situations differently. What I learned from my breakup, is that I suffer from anxiety when certain "triggers" come about like the feeling of loss of control during a break up or how I fear flying because I'm not in control!

 

You will only heal when you identify YOUR weaknesses and confront them head on and YOU ultimately have control over the anxiety and depression of the situation. It's important to note that your weaknesses are unique and only you can understand and overcome them.

 

I'm on 6 weeks NC now and I removed/blocked her on any form of social media. I stopped talking to her and erased her from my life because I couldn't stand the feeling of anxiety I would get wondering what she was doing or seeing a picture of her with a smile on her face. The bottom line is, THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO and I beat myself up over it for nothing. Once I accepted this and realized it, I truly began to heal.

 

Six weeks of NC and I can say I have my moments, but I'm starting to heal!

 

Best of luck to you

[BUBS]

Itxwillxgetxbetter, so you are suggesting that eventually I should confront Texas or those demons but to wait until I am more strong?

 

flitz, you are right about not needing to throw myself in a snake pit just because I want to get over my fears.

 

nsteen, congratulations on your healing, you are right everyone handles things differently, and I agree, I don't like not having control over my situations, I have terrible anxiety in general. I don't know whether moving there would curb it since I would taking control of the one thing that I felt was taken from me, but I also worry that I'll have anxiety for the one thing that is still out of my control, my emotions being there would be

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

yeah...I think it would be best if you wait until you get stronger. At that point it may or may not bother you but you will know it would have been far worse if the feelings were still fresh.

 

Here is how I see it. Look at the cardinal rule for breaking up....going NC. We go NC because we want to erase them from our lives at least the emotional aspect of it. If not erase them forever then just until we can function around them or feel indifferent towards them. Now one can argue that if you wanted to face your fears you can continue to keep in contact with your ex and see them happy and with someone else thereby "confronting it" and dealing with emotional pain. Some people work well this way but the vast majority of us do not. We tend to stay away from triggers of our ex so that we can heal. Once we feel indifferent then we can come back and be friends or whatever. Just my two cents.