davidjor Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 well, this past Saturday my 17 year old daughter told me she is was pregnant. Of course all i could do was cry, I held her tight and told her how much i love her, and cried cried cried. Her mother and I got divorced about 16 years ago, her mother got full custody of her. I traveled allot for work over the years and still do, she lived in Florida and I live in Virginia. Her mom has been fighting drug addiction for about the last 13 years so she was raised by her grandparents (my ex wife's parents) Her grandparents first reaction was that "If she didnt have an abortion, then she couldnt stay there with them" which put that thought in her head. Her grandparents is her "security" and now she feels lost and confused. My view (as was her's) regarding abortion before her pregnancy was that it isnt right, and that women shouldnt have them unless rape, incest or health of the mother. However, now that she is pregnant herself she is contemplating having one. I am HEARTBROKEN. My sister, who is an OBGYN physician has offered to raise or even adopt the baby so my daughter can still pursue her dreams of finishing school, and going to college. How do I convince my daughter to let my sister do that? My Daughter feels ashamed, scared and confused. I assured her, that I would be here for her whatever choice she makes, and that I love her very much. I just want her to make the right decision... Suggestions PLEASE ??
xxoo Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 First of all, I can only imagine the shock and concern. Take a breath. It's going to be ok. And it is fantastic that she has you in her corner! My Daughter feels ashamed, scared and confused. I assured her, that I would be here for her whatever choice she makes, and that I love her very much. I just want her to make the right decision... She may need some help making the right decision, but keep in mind that the right decision for you, or for your sister, may or may not be the right decision for your daughter. I think the first thing I'd do is set up an appt with an OB/GYN, and let your daughter go in alone (or with a female of her choice) to speak to the doctor. Let them refer her to a counselor as appropriate. Be there to support her, but try not to push her in any one direction. This is a decision she'll need to live with forever. Tell her again how much you love her, and reassure her that it WILL be ok. 1
Author davidjor Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 She Told me on Saturday, on Monday night I took her to see a counselor and on this past tuesday I took her to the doctor for an Ultra Sound and checkup. She is 7 weeks and 3 days Pregnant. So its very early. I had to go with her, however I took my 22 year old niece with me as well. Obviously, I wasn't in the room with her for the checkup and ultrasound, however I went in the room and talked with the Doctor. 1
darkmoon Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) if the father is out of the picture, or they have both fallen out of love, the child won't mean us much, only your daughter can decide, abortion is not easy to live with, it can lead to profound self-blame, abortions are kept secret because of this, people dissaprove only very early abortions are easier, i hope your daughter takes her cue from reading this, i was releived to have an aborton at first, less so later, her sister will be the ok choice, imho, or don't waste time with endless indescision, early abortions being easier to handle Edited January 10, 2013 by darkmoon
xxoo Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 It sounds like you are doing great. Listen more than talk. If she is leaning toward a decision you don't like, ask her reasons why--and really listen. Ask open-ended questions that will help her understand the pros and cons of her decision. Heck, even if she is leaning toward a decision you do like, ask her reasons why. It could be trouble down the road if she gives up the baby due to pressure and later regrets it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Every parents nightmare. As my own daughter entered the late teens I've seen this happen over and over again. I don't know about the ones who had abortions I'm sure but many had the babies. A few actually have been good moms, but never finished school and depend on their own parents. One child gave hers up for adoption. It wasn't easy, I know. Her mother confided in me how difficult it was for all of them. That was 8 years ago. There was a private adoption to a couple that had wanted children of their own for a long time but didn't want to risk getting a child with fetal alcohol, or nutritional problems... It worked out in the end perfect for everyone. The birth mother is not in the child's life but she knows of the child and is kept updated by the adoptive parents. They all decided that when she asks and at an appropriate age she will meet her mother. There is a lot to be taken into consideration, I know, but private adoption can be rewarding for everyone involved. Good luck to you and your daughter. 3
Author davidjor Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 She has already told me she did not want an traditional adoption, and her reasons were because she didnt know who the parents were, and if they how the baby would feel afterwords. She said, that if My sister adopted the baby that she would also feel weird, however my opinion is she could still be a part of the babies life later down the road when she wants, she would not have to make that decision until later down the road. Im just so lost and confused myself !!
MissLiberty Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 She has already told me she did not want an traditional adoption, and her reasons were because she didnt know who the parents were, and if they how the baby would feel afterwords. She said, that if My sister adopted the baby that she would also feel weird, however my opinion is she could still be a part of the babies life later down the road when she wants, she would not have to make that decision until later down the road. Im just so lost and confused myself !! Do you have enough money you support your daughter and a grand child? Does your daughter have some type of talent or skill that will allow her to be a financially secure single parent for perhaps the next 18 years?
Author davidjor Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I personally do not have the financial resourced to help her, and she is just a junior in high school. However, as i stated earlier that my sister is an OBGYN Physician and does have the financial means to to help raise this child or adopt this child without an issue.
turnera Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 The best advice I can give is to find a way for her to talk to people who have already been where she is. It's hard for teenagers to be able to see the long-distance picture, so if she can talk to people who have chosen the different routes, she can see how it worked out for them.
Balzac Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 First things first. Her immediate two problems are shelter and continued education. How soon does she need to relocate from grandparents' home. Is her school compelled to allow her to continue this semester? Social experience aside, depending on her credits, it's likely she can earn her diploma early and begin college during what would have been her 4th year. Have you considered this option? Many colleges do not require a diploma from HS and will accept a GED. That gets your daughter into financial aid grants & services, allows flexibility and stays her on the course to a successful education process.
Author davidjor Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 She has a roof over hear head, my mother lives in Florida and she has been staying here. However, I meet twice with her grandparents and they denied telling her this. They apologized to her, since then and now tonight wants her to stay the night tonight. I'm afraid they will try and convince her for an abortion, however she wants to go see them. Uggg, this has just been a total nightmare.
Balzac Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 No doubt it's chaos. Try to remain calm, the voice of reason and give all parties time to rethink their immediate harsh invectives. Your daughter will seek you out and confide in you. IF her grandparents continue to employ undue pressure on this young daughter of your's, intervene. It's difficult to stand back from drama but you must. Pregnancy is 40 weeks, time is on your/her side. No need for sudden decisions. Your sister has extended her offer, she too should not rush to judgement. I can imagine how protective and defensive you feel.
hotgurl Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 if the father is out of the picture, or they have both fallen out of love, the child won't mean us much, only your daughter can decide, abortion is not easy to live with, it can lead to profound self-blame, abortions are kept secret because of this, people dissaprove only very early abortions are easier, i hope your daughter takes her cue from reading this, i was releived to have an aborton at first, less so later, her sister will be the ok choice, imho, or don't waste time with endless indescision, early abortions being easier to handle Adoption or keeping the baby isn't easy either. She needs support right now and to really think about her options and what she wants. It is the hardest decisions she'll ever make. I know I got pregnant at 16.
Author davidjor Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 HOTGIRL, how did your pregnancy turn out when you were 16? Her being in florida she has got to have "parental consent" to have an abortion. Currently her mother and I have "Shared Parental Responsibility" meaning that we have to agree on major decisions for my daughter. Her Mother has been fighting drug addiction for the past 15 years, however we both agree that her going to Tennessee with my sister is the best thing for my daughter. This would pretty much force my daughter to give birth to the baby, and either parent it or give it up for adoption. I am just so confused :-(
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I'm just going to throw a few comments into the ring, for consideration.... Fist of all, the father of the baby should know what has happened. I hate to be blunt, but if people have sex, the must understand the consequences. If they're old enough to do it, they should be prepared at least to know what happens next. If your daughter keeps the baby - then he has a right to know - and should be encouraged to be involved if possible. Leave alone the financial implication (if aunt adopts baby, it's academic) but this is a life he has contributed 50% to, here. Who knows if his family doesn't have some medically complicated history which might be relevant to the child's future health and well-being? Secondly, if your sister is in a financial position to bring up the child/adopt, then this is a good option - providing everyone is completely honest with the child from the moment it can understand. Your aunt has legal custody of you and you are her adopted child. But *this* is your birthmother, she lovbes you and could not bear the thought of you being adopted by complete and total strangers." This way, you don't get a screwed-up adult who finds out late in life that 'there's something weird going on in the stock-pot'... While having a baby out of wedlock for one so young is a terrifically emotional situation - it's not the end of the world. Nowadays opportunities for women are far more advanced and available than they once were, and it's by no means either rare or unusual for single mums to have successful and lucrative careers. look at Erin Brockovitch....! I'm all for pro-choice, but with all my sympathy, your daughter was foolish, and sacrificing a potentially wonderful relationship with her own offspring would be very sad. She has a good support network which is more than some young girls have. There is therefore every reason to suppose that this may be something wonderful, even in the middle of all this confusion. So her decision is hers. But she needs unbiased counselling that will also help her look at the long term picture. I wish you well. 1
Author davidjor Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 SP129, thank you for your input. No my sister can have kids as a matter of fact she has 7 kids, ranging from 9 - 24 years old. One of the 9 year olds was adopted from etheopia. She has done missionary work all of her life and being an OBGYN Physician cares deeply for children. Her and her husband has already put 3 of their oldest through college, so she understands the importance of my daughter finishing her education despite her being pregnant. However, my daughters major issue from what she says so far is that she don't want to move from South Florida, which in my opinion is not a good enough reason to terminate her pregnancy. My daughter has the support that she needs to complete her educational goals, despite this however, it would entail her moving to Tennessee for my sister to help her and the baby. Now, she is refusing to leave her grandmothers house which is are the ones that initially said she cant come back if she decides to have the baby.. Im Just confused, if I should force her to go to Tennessee to have this baby.
turnera Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 You can't force a 17 year old to do anything. You may THINK you can, but once you try, look out. Step back, and let her make her own decisions. Give her options, but don't make the decisions. It's HER life.
KraftDinner Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I had an abortion at 17. It was hard to come to terms with it, and it took a long time. But I'm so glad I did it. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Compassionate?? Yes some silly 17 year old can't use a condom and I have to be compassionate.. NEGATIVE. Unless I missed something? But hey, condoms break, the Pill sometimes doesn't work. You're being quite judgemental and there's no need. Let's hope when you're older, more mature and grown as a person you won't say this to YOUR 17 year daughter one day. She should absolutely be ashamed, if she keeps it then there goes her future, if she kills it she is a murder, if she gives it away that is probably the best option someone who is actually capable of raising a child can do so. Remember these words. Never know (as I just said) you say the above to your own daughter. Though I would hope you'd be compassionate, understanding and calm, helpful and mature about it all as a parent. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Whatever your daughter decides to do, support and just love her. Counseling will help her make the right decision for herself. 3
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Unless I missed something? But hey, condoms break, the Pill sometimes doesn't work. You're being quite judgemental and there's no need. Let's hope when you're older, more mature and grown as a person you won't say this to YOUR 17 year daughter one day. Remember these words. Never know (as I just said) you say the above to your own daughter. Though I would hope you'd be compassionate, understanding and calm, helpful and mature about it all as a parent. My future child won't be pregnant at 17, my brother and I have both made it though our teen years with pregnancies.. well he has almost made it out. If you use condoms and pills together it is much less likely and I don't care either way I stand by what I said.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My future child won't be pregnant at 17, my brother and I have both made it though our teen years with pregnancies.. well he has almost made it out. If you use condoms and pills together it is much less likely and I don't care either way I stand by what I said. Never say never. Nobody can guarantee it. Your views will change as you get older. It just happens and you'll soften, and be more compassionate and understanding.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Never say never. Nobody can guarantee it. Your views will change as you get older. It just happens and you'll soften, and be more compassionate and understanding. It doesn't just happen, you let it happen.. You make the choice to have sex and you get pregnant this girl is no different she could have kept her knees together and she wouldn't be in this position
FitChick Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 If your sister adopts the child that kid will forever remind your daughter of her mistake. That child will one day find out who his real mother is and be totally screwed up. Jack Nicholson is an example -- he found out his sister was really his mother and it turned him into a woman hating womanizer. Bobby Darin had a similar situation. I'd say early abortion so she can get on with her life or adopt it out to someone no one knows.
Recommended Posts