monicaelise Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Yeah I think in this case I should just do the fade and put him very low on the priority list. Always my personal favourite in terms of approach, or retreat rather in these cases.
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Tell him that you are looking for a relationship, not a fling / ****-buddy arrangement. I'd be very blunt and use those exact words. Because, clearly, he is looking for that, and while he was at least honest about it, 5 dates is still too late for someone to tell you that: if he just wanted a ****-buddy arrangement, he should've told you so from date 1. Why go on DATES, when you're just looking for a regular booty call?!? Do NOT, and I can't emphasize this enough, do NOT, EVER, continue with this guy, in the hopes that he will change his mind. He will NOT. At least he was blunt/honest, even if after 5 dates.. My ex wasn't honest for a long time (about 5 months), and it hurt like a b*tch when he gave me that talk. By then, I was in love with him, and he discarded me a month after he gave me that speech. Yeah I can imagine that is awful. I have definitely had that happen before. I think whatever happened to this last girl he was dating and how much she got hurt (probably as the same time as me...and it was probably much longer has made him decide to be more honest). BUT like I said I was not looking to get into a relationship with HIM. oh well
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 BUT like I said I was not looking to get into a relationship with HIM. oh well So why did you keep spending time with him? YOu want a relationship but you don't want him. What was the point out of interest?
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 So why did you keep spending time with him? YOu want a relationship but you don't want him. What was the point out of interest? Well I just got this speech 2 days ago and I didn't know where it was going. I was just having fun and not thinking about it I suppose and keeping my options open. I mean you can still have fun while you are out there looking for a relationship.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I mean you can still have fun while you are out there looking for a relationship. I think if you want a relationship you need to be a bit more focused on the qualities of the guy and whether he is suitable. Fun is great and essential at the early stages of dating but you need to see beyond it if you don't want casual.
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I think if you want a relationship you need to be a bit more focused on the qualities of the guy and whether he is suitable. Fun is great and essential at the early stages of dating but you need to see beyond it if you don't want casual. you are right...when it's THAT much fun though (i hope you know what I mean by that). I kind of lose focus
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 you are right...when it's THAT much fun though (i hope you know what I mean by that). I kind of lose focus Ah you slept with him too quickly. Nothing wrong with that but counter productive when you are looking for a relationship. Partly for the reason you have just mentioned
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Ah you slept with him too quickly. Nothing wrong with that but counter productive when you are looking for a relationship. Partly for the reason you have just mentioned like I said I was not taking him seriously. Fail for him I guess.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 like I said I was not taking him seriously. Fail for him I guess. What I mean is that it distracts you from what you want. Anyway, at least it's clear and you can find someone who wants the same thing. 1
april38 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 But honestly what is it that is wrong with the women he has been banging for 5 years? I'm pretty sure there were awesome women in there that he could have had a relationship with. If someone is not open to one it doesn't matter. I honestly think it is all about timing Nothing was wrong with those women. I know a guy in his late 30's, never married, totally upfront about never wanting to get married, settle down, likes to sleep around. Everyone who knows him knows he's a little damaged. There's nothing wrong with the women he meets, he's just stuck in his own emotional cage, and is something that he will have to deal with eventually when he comes to terms with his mortality. Overall, he's a good guy, fun to be friends with, but not to date. 2
sid3 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 like I said I was not taking him seriously. Fail for him I guess. It seems you have that completely backwards.
stillafool Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Well if you aren't taking him seriously and you still wanted to see other people, what is the problem with what he said? It seems the two of you are having the same thought. Neither of you are looking for a relationship.
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Well if you aren't taking him seriously and you still wanted to see other people, what is the problem with what he said? It seems the two of you are having the same thought. Neither of you are looking for a relationship. Because his speech put a huge damper on things and turned me off completely. I liked how things were going and we were going on dates. And he freaked out and doesn't want to go on dates because thats what he did with the last girl and hurt her....so just wants to hook up with people now.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Because his speech put a huge damper on things and turned me off completely. When you want a relationship it means you are emotionally ready for it and it sucks when there is another disappointment. Even if the guy isn't the one you want long term, it still sucks that it's another let down. That's why in my opinion it's good to cut out casual and look for relationship material. It's quite disheartening to deal with casual when you want serious otherwise. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) Because his speech put a huge damper on things and turned me off completely. I liked how things were going and we were going on dates. And he freaked out and doesn't want to go on dates because thats what he did with the last girl and hurt her....so just wants to hook up with people now. No, he didn't freak out, and he doesn't feel bad about what he did to the last girl. Who knows, maybe that's just the way he rolls -- his way of telling all the women he goes on dates with, that he just wants a ****-buddy arrangement. I mean, the guy doesn't want to waste more time going on dates and pretending to be doing the whole relationship thing, he wants to bang you and wants to keep on doing it without being expected to play the relationship game. He is interested in sex and only sex, and that's his way of telling you that. He is sugarcoating it, and I doubt there is an ounce of truth to his claim that he is telling you that because he doesn't want to hurt you like he hurt the previous woman. It's just his way of telling you something that most people would consider douchebaggery/player stuff. He knew you wanted a relationship, and was trying his luck with the sex thing (getting you to settle for it, if you were desperate enough, hoping against hope that he might develop feelings for you, etc.). That's the reason he waited it out (5 dates) to tell you that he didn't want a relationship. He's also playing the "nice guy" card, to get you to think that "if he's nice enough to be honest, he can't be *that* bad, I can maybe get him to change his mind, it would be a shame to lose a nice/ honest guy like him." And then, success ! (for him). He has managed to get you to continue to have sex with him, while you keep hoping that a relationship would materialize. Don't just "walk away" or do a "fade out" on this guy. RUN! As fast as you can. In the other direction, of course... He is the typical charmer/narcissist. Has a way with words. Do not believe a word of what he has told you. He is hardly a nice guy, IMO. Edited January 10, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 No, he didn't freak out, and he doesn't feel bad about what he did to the last girl. Who knows, maybe that's just the way he rolls -- his way of telling all the women he goes on dates with, that he just wants a ****-buddy arrangement. I mean, the guy doesn't want to waste more time going on dates and pretending to be doing the whole relationship thing, he wants to bang you and wants to keep on doing it without being expected to play the relationship game. He is interested in sex and only sex, and that's his way of telling you that. He is sugarcoating it, and I doubt there is an ounce of truth to his claim that he is telling you that because he doesn't want to hurt you like he hurt the previous woman. It's just his way of telling you something that most people would consider douchebaggery/player stuff. He knew you wanted a relationship, and was trying his luck with the sex thing (getting you to settle for it, if you were desperate enough, hoping against hope that he might develop feelings for you, etc.). That's the reason he waited it out (5 dates) to tell you that he didn't want a relationship. He's also playing the "nice guy" card, to get you to think that "if he's nice enough to be honest, he can't be *that* bad, I can maybe get him to change his mind, it would be a shame to lose a nice/ honest guy like him." And then, success ! (for him). He has managed to get you to continue to have sex with him, while you keep hoping that a relationship would materialize. Don't just "walk away" or do a "fade out" on this guy. RUN! As fast as you can. In the other direction, of course... He is the typical charmer/narcissist. Has a way with words. Do not believe a word of what he has told you. He is hardly a nice guy, IMO. Actually this is not the case and speaking to his friend he was being honest. It was a very awkward conversation and it was definitely one of his first times doing it. The guy NOT charming at all, I thought he was a nice guy when I started seeing him because he seemed kind of shy and awkward....so much for that HA
NoMoreJerks Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Actually this is not the case and speaking to his friend he was being honest. It was a very awkward conversation and it was definitely one of his first times doing it. The guy NOT charming at all, I thought he was a nice guy when I started seeing him because he seemed kind of shy and awkward....so much for that HA Well, good luck with that.Your douchebag radar seems to be OFF. My ex was an introvert, the most socially awkward and shy person. He turned out to be a douchebag and a player, and yes, you might think he's not a charmer, but it's this "shy" appearance that blinds you to their actual words/behaviour, and makes you think they're just being nice when , in fact, they are advancing their hidden agenda little by little. Before you know it, you are sucked into their mind games and are one woman in a long line of women he has used as ****-buddies, using this very same tactic. Don't say you weren't warned. Quiet/shy/socially awkward does not equal "nice."
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 It is certainly a misconception that shy and passive/awkward equal nice and genuine. 1
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Well, good luck with that.Your douchebag radar seems to be OFF. My ex was an introvert, the most socially awkward and shy person. He turned out to be a douchebag and a player, and yes, you might think he's not a charmer, but it's this "shy" appearance that blinds you to their actual words/behaviour, and makes you think they're just being nice when , in fact, they are advancing their hidden agenda little by little. Before you know it, you are sucked into their mind games and are one woman in a long line of women he has used as ****-buddies, using this very same tactic. Don't say you weren't warned. Quiet/shy/socially awkward does not equal "nice." Ok I understand your situation and i've dated plenty of dbags in the past. I'm very confident he has not used this line before and our mutual friend TOLD him to be honest about what he wanted with me.
veggirl Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I'm confused. If you don't want a relationship with him and he doesn't want one with you, what is the problem? 3
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I'm confused. If you don't want a relationship with him and he doesn't want one with you, what is the problem? The icky feeling I have about the whole thing now. I liked going on DATES. He doesn't want to do that anymore...and I don't do the bootycall thing.
Treasa Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 So, if I'm reading this right, he wants to continue to bang you, but also wants to bang other girls. Not my thing, but if it's his, that's fine.
Author starla33 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 So, if I'm reading this right, he wants to continue to bang you, but also wants to bang other girls. Not my thing, but if it's his, that's fine. I'm pretty sure he was banging other girls to begin with. That there is gross...so so gross
stillafool Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I'm confused. If you don't want a relationship with him and he doesn't want one with you, what is the problem? I agree. OP I don't understand what you want from this guy. He is just being honest. I guess he doesn't want to spend money on dates when it is just sex he wants.
FitChick Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I'm pretty sure he was banging other girls to begin with. That there is gross...so so gross But you were planning to do the same, since you wanted to keep your options open. Sounds like your pride has been hurt by being reduced to a booty call. Find someone better and stop wasting so much time and energy rationalizing something unimportant.
Recommended Posts