shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 This thread is not intended to hurt anyone so please do not read if you are offended. This is more for other men like myself who have cheated on their wives. long story short, me and my wife went away for a few days, it was fantastic we had fun, laughed, danced, dined and much more, we needed this break away. Everytime my head was consumed with thoughts for exow i would replace them with thoughts of my wife when we were younger and this kept exow at bay for a while. My problem started on the last night of our trip, my wife started to kiss me passionately (something she has not done for many years) It felt good to have her back, so we attempted sex .. except i couldnt do it, literally could not do it (i could not, u know) .. I know i thought i was almost impotent before i met exow but obviously i was not. My wife assured me it was ok and even laughed that and said "thats the joys of getting old" My wife no longer turns me on and this sickens me. We got home and a few hours later i was out and my exow car drove past me ... the little man instantly shot up like a rocket launch !! Wtf ?? What is going on here ? All i can now think about is the sex we had, ive never experienced sex like that before, it was wild, passionate and exciting. the things we done together is what every man dreams of but most likely will never experience. I will not ask my wife for this kind of sex it is not the sex she likes (she is rather black and white when it comes to sex) And no I will not get back into an affair with exow (have not spoken with her since that fateful evening i slept in the garage) I still think i love her but i am not leaving my wife or my family for her nor will i string exow along anymore - its finished i have control over that. I am not deceiving my wife anymore. I have not told my wife either an im not sure if i will so there is no point in bringing that up in this thread.
woinlove Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 This thread is not intended to hurt anyone so please do not read if you are offended. This is more for other men like myself who have cheated on their wives. long story short, me and my wife went away for a few days, it was fantastic we had fun, laughed, danced, dined and much more, we needed this break away. Everytime my head was consumed with thoughts for exow i would replace them with thoughts of my wife when we were younger and this kept exow at bay for a while. My problem started on the last night of our trip, my wife started to kiss me passionately (something she has not done for many years) It felt good to have her back, so we attempted sex .. except i couldnt do it, literally could not do it (i could not, u know) .. I know i thought i was almost impotent before i met exow but obviously i was not. My wife assured me it was ok and even laughed that and said "thats the joys of getting old" My wife no longer turns me on and this sickens me. We got home and a few hours later i was out and my exow car drove past me ... the little man instantly shot up like a rocket launch !! Wtf ?? What is going on here ? All i can now think about is the sex we had, ive never experienced sex like that before, it was wild, passionate and exciting. the things we done together is what every man dreams of but most likely will never experience. I will not ask my wife for this kind of sex it is not the sex she likes (she is rather black and white when it comes to sex) And no I will not get back into an affair with exow (have not spoken with her since that fateful evening i slept in the garage) I still think i love her but i am not leaving my wife or my family for her nor will i string exow along anymore - its finished i have control over that. I am not deceiving my wife anymore. I have not told my wife either an im not sure if i will so there is no point in bringing that up in this thread. I don't think I could get aroused in your situation either. For me, deception is an absolute intimacy killer and I couldn't connect sexually with the man I love while keeping up such major deception. If you are the same, then this might just be the price of your deception. Your M could have lacked intimacy before the A, and it may not come back with deception. Intimacy can be a strong aphrodisiac. If your were open with your OW and revealed more of your true self, that may have been a turn on. If you want to keep your secrets, and trick your wife into staying married to you, you may never have intimacy in your M again, but you may still be able to pull off staying married - if that is your goal. 6
woinlove Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Also reminds me the one period when xMM had your problem with me was when he had sex with his stbXW and hid that fact from me. I didn't know what was going on until a few weeks later, but I did feel some distance that I didn't understand. So, I know that for men the lack of intimacy which deception breeds can affect their ability to get it up. Your arousal is not always as disconnected from your emotions as you may think. I know you don't want to be honest and don't want to discuss that, so your other options are that you could either learn to be a more callous, unfeeling liar, or you could live a sexless life, or find another OW. Any other ideas? 3
Spark1111 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Sure, newer, younger, forbidden...who WOULDN'T that excite? Have you asked your wife for what you want to try with her? I hope OW read you. You are very honest. Other than sex with this woman, you mention nothing else about her. 2
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I guess i was hoping he would sort himself out in time. I will never enter an affair again that i can assure you.
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Sure, newer, younger, forbidden...who WOULDN'T that excite? Have you asked your wife for what you want to try with her? I hope OW read you. You are very honest. Other than sex with this woman, you mention nothing else about her. I previously mentioned things about her but i was slammed for it so i thought it was best not to. It wasnt all about the sex just sitting listening to her ramble on for hours about this or that was just as good. 1
woinlove Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I guess i was hoping he would sort himself out in time. I will never enter an affair again that i can assure you. Maybe, maybe not. Only you know how much intimacy and the freedom to open yourself up factors into feeling strongly sexual for you. Also, it may be more complex with your W because you probably would like to respect your W and subconsciously that may be at odds with knowing how she is being tricked by you. I imagine there could be a fairly complex set of emotions on the path you have chosen. Maybe a counsellor could help sort some of this out for you to get to the point where you might be able to stay on the same path and still get your stuff to work. Wouldn't be the path I would chose, but if that is what you want, that might be something to consider. Confess all to a counsellor and see if they can help you keep up the deception and still have a sex life.
KathyM Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 You need to work on this sexual incompatibility issue with your wife, preferably in counseling. You need to learn to communicate with your wife what your sexual desires are in bed so that she will have the opportunity to give you the type of sex you want. You have major communication issues in your marriage, and you need to learn to talk about this stuff. Otherwise, not only are you not going to be satisfied, but you are denying your wife the opportunity of being able to satisfy you also, since you are unwilling to talk to her about the kind of sex you are wanting. In the meantime, perhaps Viagra will help you to maintain an erection as a short term solution while you're still in this fog of the affair. As long as you are desiring and pining away for the OW, you are not allowing your mind to reinvest in your wife. Your wife would probably like to be able to please you and would be willing to try what you would like in bed, but you are unwilling to communicate it to her. That's unfortunate. 5
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 You need to work on this sexual incompatibility issue with your wife, preferably in counseling. You need to learn to communicate with your wife what your sexual desires are in bed so that she will have the opportunity to give you the type of sex you want. You have major communication issues in your marriage, and you need to learn to talk about this stuff. Otherwise, not only are you not going to be satisfied, but you are denying your wife the opportunity of being able to satisfy you also, since you are unwilling to talk to her about the kind of sex you are wanting. In the meantime, perhaps Viagra will help you to maintain an erection as a short term solution while you're still in this fog of the affair. As long as you are desiring and pining away for the OW, you are not allowing your mind to reinvest in your wife. Your wife would probably like to be able to please you and would be willing to try what you would like in bed, but you are unwilling to communicate it to her. That's unfortunate. Thanks Kathy Yes i thought about viagra also. In the past me and my wife discussed different types of sex and i can tell you she will not do it nor will i force the issue upon her, she has stated many times that she wont do this or that .... which i was more than happy with until exow showed me what sex can really be like.
underwater2010 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 How grateful you have to be that your wife is so understanding. At least you have narrowed down that it is a mental issue and not a physical one. Can you list things about your wife that used to turn you on? I am guessing that she has no clue about your affair or does she? If she is aware of your affair I would be sure to sort this out without her help. I could not even fathom the hurt that would come from knowing that my FWH could get an erection thinking about his AP, but could not even while having my body ready and willing right in front of him.
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Thanks Kathy Yes i thought about viagra also. In the past me and my wife discussed different types of sex and i can tell you she will not do it nor will i force the issue upon her, she has stated many times that she wont do this or that .... which i was more than happy with until exow showed me what sex can really be like. Viagra isn't required - your penis works just fine. What's broken is you. This is a psychological effect of PTSD. I experienced it after Kuwait. What you need is IC. Discuss this there. 7
Realist3 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have a similar problem, although I can still get it on with my wife it just isn't nearly as exciting. I try and get her wound up as much as possible, and since she is quick anyway it is pretty much black and white. The last two times though I lost in in the middle. My mind just wasn't there. No matter how much I tried to think of MOW, it just wasn't enough. I don't know if there is an answer to your question per se, maybe time will eventually remedy the issue.
JamesM Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 So have you told your wife about the affair? My guess is that the guilt of the OW is more of a libido killer than the lack of awesome sex. And that is not meant to be a critical statement. If you came clean with her, then my guess is that you would have a renewed sexual interest in her. But I also wonder if your heart...or rather you "little man" inwardly longs more for your OW than for your wife. I agree...counseling will be a big help. 2
KathyM Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Viagra isn't required - your penis works just fine. What's broken is you. This is a psychological effect of PTSD. I experienced it after Kuwait. What you need is IC. Discuss this there. PTSD over an affair? Uh, no. That's not what this man has. He has his mind and his sexuality invested in his OW, and he needs to be able to reinvest it in his wife and work on improving his sexual relationship with his wife. This needs to be done through marriage counseling where they can both openly talk about their sex life, what they want in their sexual relationship, in the presence of someone (a marriage counselor) who could help them work this out together. 2
Snowflower Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have a similar problem, although I can still get it on with my wife it just isn't nearly as exciting. I try and get her wound up as much as possible, and since she is quick anyway it is pretty much black and white. The last two times though I lost in in the middle. My mind just wasn't there. No matter how much I tried to think of MOW, it just wasn't enough. I don't know if there is an answer to your question per se, maybe time will eventually remedy the issue. RE...the bolded... I don't know why this would be a bad thing. Obviously, your wife still feels attraction for you to, you know, that quick. Most men would take that as a compliment. 1
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 RE...the bolded... I don't know why this would be a bad thing. Obviously, your wife still feels attraction for you to, you know, that quick. Most men would take that as a compliment. Im the other way round, my wife can take a while and i focus alot on her. My exow would get so turned on as soon as i touched her and this in return turned me on even more. The intensity of it is something i had never experienced before. She also extremely enjoyed spending time pleasuring me something which my wife has never enjoyed.
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 James, I was due to start some councelling this week but i had to canx my work schedule is rather hectic for the next few months and i honestly do not have the time.
Summer Breeze Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Made a response that duplicated someone elses. Sorry!
MrWindupBird Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 For me in my affair, my life quickly divided into two segments. My wife and I still had sex regularly, but it wasn't intense like it had been before. She was used to it. I was used to it. Nothing had any heart in it. I think this happens naturally, maybe, but it's how it was. She also never really talked about the darker side of her, and it made me reluctant to talk about the dark, existential things that race through my mind. Conversely, my wife was a great life partner. We went out. Spent time with the extended family. Raised our dog. Outfitted our home. Cooked. The whole thing. And then came the OW, where all we did was have sex and have very personal conversations. After so long, my life became compartmentalized to where I expected certain mediums of interaction from the two women, and as a result, it felt weird when I would try to have a normal night out with my OW, and it would feel weird when my wife would make an attempt at being sexual. It was almost like a conditional programming nearly as dialed in as my appetite or my circadian sleeping pattern. This is just me, so I don't know about you, but maybe you're experiencing something similar to this. 2
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 do you feel a sense of guilt over cheating on your wife? if so, maybe that is playing a part here... it's probably normal to feel guilt ( actually , I hope it is, as feeling bad that you did something that could hurt your wife, who you say that you love, would indicate that you have kindness and empathy)... if you do feel guilt, why do you feel it? is it because of the cheating or also because you are hiding something form her? If so, then perhaps that is something you should think about... I know that you feel your wife won't want to do the things your ex-other woman did, but have you asked her lately? Not to long ago, you were posting that you and your wife hadn't had sex in two years ( or something along those lines), yet all it takes to get her "in the mood" is a a weekend away? Could be that just spending some quality time alone with her was just what was needed, and perhaps she may be more willing to be a bit more adventurous ( it's kind of hard for a lot of women to do that when they feel a sense of disconnect from their spouse, and from what you've written, that's the way things were between you two before..disconnected)... Frozen, I have felt guilt during the whole affair, many times i tried to end it because the guilt was becoming to much to bear but each time i did i felt aweful for hurting exow and would text to see how she was and then the affair would start back again ... I now realise that i was not ready to end it, i am now and i have not contacted her. I know my wife ive known her since she was 15 and she will not change anything regarding our sex life. And im not sure i want to do the same things with my wife that i did with exow ... will this not make me think of her or even worse start comparing ?? I do not want to do this. Or am i just overthinking things.
woinlove Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 James, I was due to start some councelling this week but i had to canx my work schedule is rather hectic for the next few months and i honestly do not have the time. What do you think about ending your M, an idea brought up already in this thread. You could end you M, keep your secret if you feel you must, and find a woman who you could try to be honest and open and intimate with, who turned you on sexually. Does that thought appeal to you? I think you would still need to do the work to become that honest and open person, but if you wanted to and stuck with it, you could do it. Seems like wanting to trick your wife into staying married to you under false pretences, you and/or your body not wanting sex with her, not feeling any of this is a priority .... is all trying to tell you something. Doesn't sound like you have that much of a M and your W has even less of an M with an H that can't even have sex with her and deceives and betrays her. Maybe time to let go? What do you think? 2
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 For me in my affair, my life quickly divided into two segments. My wife and I still had sex regularly, but it wasn't intense like it had been before. She was used to it. I was used to it. Nothing had any heart in it. I think this happens naturally, maybe, but it's how it was. She also never really talked about the darker side of her, and it made me reluctant to talk about the dark, existential things that race through my mind. Conversely, my wife was a great life partner. We went out. Spent time with the extended family. Raised our dog. Outfitted our home. Cooked. The whole thing. And then came the OW, where all we did was have sex and have very personal conversations. After so long, my life became compartmentalized to where I expected certain mediums of interaction from the two women, and as a result, it felt weird when I would try to have a normal night out with my OW, and it would feel weird when my wife would make an attempt at being sexual. It was almost like a conditional programming nearly as dialed in as my appetite or my circadian sleeping pattern. This is just me, so I don't know about you, but maybe you're experiencing something similar to this. That is exactly how it is, minus the sex with my wife as we never had sex for 2 years. But the conversations with exow were intense and made me realise i am not the man i thought i was for years, she opened my mind up to many things. My wife is my wife and i do love her, she is my life partner, mother of my children, we do everything together always have done and this i dont want to change ... but the ow just literally blew me away.
Realist3 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 RE...the bolded... I don't know why this would be a bad thing. Obviously, your wife still feels attraction for you to, you know, that quick. Most men would take that as a compliment. I do. But at the same time she is usually one or two and done. It takes me a while longer.
JamesM Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 James, I was due to start some councelling this week but i had to canx my work schedule is rather hectic for the next few months and i honestly do not have the time. I don't mean to yell at you but if it's important enough you'll MAKE THE TIME! come on, is your marriage not worth it? if you can find time to be on here you can find time for some "real life" counseling... I think counseling would help you personally first. I know how a busy work schedule can push away appointments, but this may be very important to your future...and that of your marriage. I am guessing that you haven't told your wife yet? If not, then that guilt that you carry alone could be enough to kill your libido. And yes, those memories of your OW will keep you thinking about that awesome sex you had with her. They will only go away of you can replace them with great sex with your wife. Coming clean may be very necessary. 1
Author shame_on_me Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 What do you think about ending your M, an idea brought up already in this thread. You could end you M, keep your secret if you feel you must, and find a woman who you could try to be honest and open and intimate with, who turned you on sexually. Does that thought appeal to you? I think you would still need to do the work to become that honest and open person, but if you wanted to and stuck with it, you could do it. Seems like wanting to trick your wife into staying married to you under false pretences, you and/or your body not wanting sex with her, not feeling any of this is a priority .... is all trying to tell you something. Doesn't sound like you have that much of a M and your W has even less of an M with an H that can't even have sex with her and deceives and betrays her. Maybe time to let go? What do you think? No i do not and will not walk away from my marriage believe it or not i love being married to my wife and i love the life we have (we have had our ups and down like most but ive never wanted to leave) this is not an option for me.
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