How do i let go when there is still hope?

[trevjim]

Ok so my ex of 2.5 years has moved on with someone else a day after we split, ive accepted she is with him, i accepted its gonna hurt.

 

However i just cant let go, I personaly, dont believe she is with him for the right reasons, i believe that she is rebounding, i believe they wont work in the long run (they dated before and she cheated on him). Without going into detail, i have reasons to believe those things.

 

Also we met up for an hour the other day to discuss finances on the rent for the house we used to live in togeather, we ended up laughting, reminicing, we even talked about sex! she kept staring at me as if she still loves me and said i can text her whenever i want. she told me she has made him buy and watch stuff we used to do togeather.

 

I need to let go of her, i dont want to sit arond waiting for them to break up and take her back after how she hurt me, but a part of me clings to the hope she will because deep down i know i still love her.

 

How do i finally let go when there are factors that create 'hope' if thats the right word, she will come back?

[Victoria Lake]

Hope, as you describe it here, is negative because it prevents you from moving on. I can totally understand that you like this woman and that you still believe that you'd be great together... but try to stop idealizing her and look at what she's done. Look carefully at her actions. She cheated on you, she cheated on this guy before, then she wanted him back - and look at how he's talking about him, saying that she has made him watch stuff you used to watch together. Does that sound fair? Lines like "we can keep in touch" are polite to say after a break up, but batting eyelashes and "text me whenever you want" - not so cool.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok so my ex of 2.5 years has moved on with someone else a day after we split, ive accepted she is with him, i accepted its gonna hurt.

 

No, you've done nothing of the kind. If you had, this wouldn't even be a problem.....

However i just cant let go....

 

I personaly, dont believe she is with him for the right reasons, i believe that she is rebounding, i believe they wont work in the long run (they dated before and she cheated on him). Without going into detail, i have reasons to believe those things.

 

- And this, sadly - is none of your damn business.

Her reasons are her reasons, nothing to do with you and nothing you should even try to influence.

Not your call. That's just interfering, and it's not your mistake to spot, or sort out.....

 

Also we met up for an hour the other day to discuss finances on the rent for the house we used to live in togeather, we ended up laughting, reminicing, we even talked about sex! she kept staring at me as if she still loves me and said i can text her whenever i want. she told me she has made him buy and watch stuff we used to do togeather.

So basically, she's trying to recreate some happy memories, but with him, instead of you.

You've been side-lined....

 

I need to let go of her, i dont want to sit arond waiting for them to break up and take her back after how she hurt me, but a part of me clings to the hope she will because deep down i know i still love her.

 

How do i finally let go when there are factors that create 'hope' if thats the right word, she will come back?

 

I say this a lot:

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

 

Please read the No Contact Guide, updated, in my signature.

it contains all you'll ever need, to be whole again.

[trevjim]

I have started no contact, Ive blocked her on facebook, deleted her number again, i was doing all the bad things (pleading, interfearing etc) when we first split for a couple of weeks but have been N/C since about 3-4 weeks now, until we met to sort out finances.

 

Im not going to interfear, im letting her make her future/mistakes whatever they may be. im not going to text her like she said, i told her im happy now and splitting was good for both of us when she asked how i am.

 

A part of me still cares and loves her though and no matter what i try i just cant let go of her, it driving me insane

[Ajax]

I think your answer lies in taking away your own hope, or her hope.

 

I know you feel love for her, but let's use our noggins for a minute, or at least try to. If one of your friends had an ex like yours, and still had hopes of getting back together with her, what would you say to him? You'd probably slap him upside the head and you'd be right to do so!

 

So why would you want her back, knowing that it's pretty safe to bet that she'd only hurt you again?

 

She made a decision to break up with you. She made a decision to cheat on you. She made a decision to keep some flicker of hope in you alive for whatever reason. She's made all the decisions, and to your detriment. Now it's time for you to make some decisions for yourself.

 

You can decide to move forward without her. You can decide that you will not take her back even if she comes around. Getting you back should no longer be an option for her. And once you've taken that option away, there's no longer any hope. It may not mean that you're completely over her, but you can start moving forward towards something healthier for you.

[Lone]

No, you've done nothing of the kind. If you had, this wouldn't even be a problem.....

 

 

 

- And this, sadly - is none of your damn business.

Her reasons are her reasons, nothing to do with you and nothing you should even try to influence.

Not your call. That's just interfering, and it's not your mistake to spot, or sort out.....

 

 

So basically, she's trying to recreate some happy memories, but with him, instead of you.

You've been side-lined....

 

 

 

I say this a lot:

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

 

Please read the No Contact Guide, updated, in my signature.

it contains all you'll ever need, to be whole again.

WOW does it just suck being you? Every post i see you make is negative negative negative. Whats worse is that you aren't empathetic at all...

 

I guess thats what happens when u stay on here long enough to post over 10,000 times.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

That's also why I've accumulated over 4000 'likes' too.... and the 'Like' button is a relatively recent addition....

 

It's not negativity.

It's honesty.

Direct, to the point, cut-to-the-chase, sure - but honesty, nevertheless.

There's no point dressing a dead relationship up in roses and honeysuckle.

 

If one partner is messing about and done with it, the other cannot salvage, restore and revive it on their own.

[NoMoreJerks]

No, you've done nothing of the kind. If you had, this wouldn't even be a problem.....

 

 

 

- And this, sadly - is none of your damn business.

Her reasons are her reasons, nothing to do with you and nothing you should even try to influence.

Not your call. That's just interfering, and it's not your mistake to spot, or sort out.....

 

 

So basically, she's trying to recreate some happy memories, but with him, instead of you.

You've been side-lined....

 

 

 

I say this a lot:

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

 

Please read the No Contact Guide, updated, in my signature.

it contains all you'll ever need, to be whole again.

Wow, this was a great post. Well said.

[Renard99]

WOW does it just suck being you? Every post i see you make is negative negative negative. Whats worse is that you aren't empathetic at all...

 

I guess thats what happens when u stay on here long enough to post over 10,000 times.

 

 

I don't know how you're reading this situation but I think TaraMaiden is spot on.

 

He needs to see his ex for what she's really is in this situation. There's no point trying to address her as anything other than a cheater. She has definitely side lined him through her actions. She is attempting to create happy memories with the new guy (even if they are stolen from another relationship). What she's doing with the new guy, whether it be right or wrong, again is, unfortunately, not his business. She's made her decisions and it's not the responsibilty of the dumpee to change that persons free will.

 

How else can all that be said without it being dressed up beyond recognition?

 

Trevjim needs to see that, despite the fact that it still hurts and he still loves her, she's not the great person she once seemed to be. I put my ex up on a pedestal so I'm just as guilty, but, at the end of the day, I had to ask myself 'why do I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me?' I had to realise that for every great thing about her there were equally bad things. I think in Trevjim's story the fact that she's a known cheater should be well up there on the list of flaws.

[trevjim]

I see her flaws, she never actually cheated on me, she slept with other people when there were times we split for a week or so, although i guess you could class that as cheating.

 

Trouble is i know why she does it, she has had a horrible upbringing, her dad shunned her after her parents divorce and the step mum used to beat her. also she suffered great physical abuse with the childs birth dad, so when she is dumped or felt like i was abadoning her, she would sleep with someone because she needed to feel loved.

 

Its sad and its no excuse, but i find it hard to picture her as a straight up cheater.

[Renard99]

I see her flaws, she never actually cheated on me, she slept with other people when there were times we split for a week or so, although i guess you could class that as cheating.

 

Trouble is i know why she does it, she has had a horrible upbringing, her dad shunned her after her parents divorce and the step mum used to beat her. also she suffered great physical abuse with the childs birth dad, so when she is dumped or felt like i was abadoning her, she would sleep with someone because she needed to feel loved.

 

Its sad and its no excuse, but i find it hard to picture her as a straight up cheater.

 

She may not have cheated on you but, 'straight up' or not, she's still a cheater. A red flag against her character especially as you've gone on to say that her background makes her prone to doing it.

 

You may very well be able to see why she does it but that doesn't excuse any of it. If I was completely broke and came up to you and stole your wallet, would you turn around and say, it's 'ok, he has no money'? Whatever the reason behind it, it doesn't make it right.

 

You're defending her and you need to stop. You're giving her the power over you. She can do no wrong in your eyes meaning she can walk all over you, even if it is only mentally in this case.

 

This is not me being harsh, I went through the same thing when my ex left, and you really need to see that you've been left hanging and unless you cut yourself free you'll be hanging there for a long time.

[trevjim]

She may not have cheated on you but, 'straight up' or not, she's still a cheater. A red flag against her character especially as you've gone on to say that her background makes her prone to doing it.

 

You may very well be able to see why she does it but that doesn't excuse any of it. If I was completely broke and came up to you and stole your wallet, would you turn around and say, it's 'ok, he has no money'? Whatever the reason behind it, it doesn't make it right.

 

You're defending her and you need to stop. You're giving her the power over you. She can do no wrong in your eyes meaning she can walk all over you, even if it is only mentally in this case.

 

This is not me being harsh, I went through the same thing when my ex left, and you really need to see that you've been left hanging and unless you cut yourself free you'll be hanging there for a long time.

 

No you are right, it doesnt matter if its harsh its the truth that matters. i guess maybe because we were good friends before we dated, maybe im mixing the caring as a friend with my feelings from the relationship.

 

Im determined to get over her, im doing all the things, N/C when possible, which is about 99% of time, blocked all social networks. i worked out anyway but have put in double time. seeing friends.

 

Trouble is my job as a postman is lonely and hard to meet girls, so thats made it really hard to get back on the bike

 

Also im jelouse of her, I had a house, a family with her and the child who i saw as my son, pets, regular sex.

 

Now ive moved back home with parents and she has it all just with a differant guy.

 

I know i shouldnt be but i am

Edited January 11, 2013 by trevjim

[Renard99]

No you are right, it doesnt matter if its harsh its the truth that matters. i guess maybe because we were good friends before we dated, maybe im mixing the caring as a friend with my feelings from the relationship.

 

Im determined to get over her, im doing all the things, N/C when possible, which is about 99% of time, blocked all social networks. i worked out anyway but have put in double time. seeing friends.

 

Trouble is my job as a postman is lonely and hard to meet girls, so thats made it really hard to get back on the bike

 

Also im jelouse of her, I had a house, a family with her and the child who i saw as my son, pets, regular sex.

 

Now ive moved back home with parents and she has it all just with a differant guy.

 

I know i shouldnt be but i am

 

I know it's hard, but you're doing it again....... Giving her the power..... Stop it

 

Everytime you think this way about her, think of something you hated about her....and don't say there's nothing to hate because there is always plenty to hate, even if it's something stupid 'like the way she bit her nails' or 'the way she pronounced coffee' or anything. Stop making her the best thing ever in your life even when she's no longer in it.

 

As for not having time to meet girls, try online dating (once you're ready to date again that is. Don't do it too early like I did. It just messes with your head even more). Your profile can be 'out there' even whilst you're at work. It also introduces you to people you may never have met whilst at the same time filtering out the ones that wouldn't have been right for you. Worked for me, I met my girlfriend through online dating and we've been together for 18 months.

[trevjim]

I know it's hard, but you're doing it again....... Giving her the power..... Stop it

 

Everytime you think this way about her, think of something you hated about her....and don't say there's nothing to hate because there is always plenty to hate, even if it's something stupid 'like the way she bit her nails' or 'the way she pronounced coffee' or anything. Stop making her the best thing ever in your life even when she's no longer in it.

 

As for not having time to meet girls, try online dating (once you're ready to date again that is. Don't do it too early like I did. It just messes with your head even more). Your profile can be 'out there' even whilst you're at work. It also introduces you to people you may never have met whilst at the same time filtering out the ones that wouldn't have been right for you. Worked for me, I met my girlfriend through online dating and we've been together for 18 months.

 

 

Yes you are right, i must get the power back and my self esteem back up

[Vander77]

Jim your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex of 3 years would sleep around when we weren't in a relationship. In her eyes it cleared her conscience that it wasn't cheating. Meanwhile I have been the one waiting for her to come back and now I'm at the point where I can't wait anymore. Same style of upbringing as your girl, mine was raised by her mom cuz dad is in prison for life for murder. She was sexually molested at 12 and has admitted to me that sex is her method of making herself feel good and boosts her own self esteem. I wad raised in a 2 parent ward and june cleaver style home wheredad worked and mom cleaned and cooked. We truly were from opposite sides of the tracks. I think that's why I fell so hard and quickly for this girl. My advice to you would be take time for yourself right now. Don't hurt anyone else while your heart is still recovering. I made that mistake more than once and hurt a few other women that didn't deserve it. Not intentionally leading them on, but waiting until my ex would contact me. As soon as she did I dropped whoever I was dating and ran back to my girl because I love her. Way too many times in fact. Take the time and allow your heart to recover. It hurts and is a long road.

[trevjim]

Jim your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex of 3 years would sleep around when we weren't in a relationship. In her eyes it cleared her conscience that it wasn't cheating. Meanwhile I have been the one waiting for her to come back and now I'm at the point where I can't wait anymore. Same style of upbringing as your girl, mine was raised by her mom cuz dad is in prison for life for murder. She was sexually molested at 12 and has admitted to me that sex is her method of making herself feel good and boosts her own self esteem. I wad raised in a 2 parent ward and june cleaver style home wheredad worked and mom cleaned and cooked. We truly were from opposite sides of the tracks. I think that's why I fell so hard and quickly for this girl. My advice to you would be take time for yourself right now. Don't hurt anyone else while your heart is still recovering. I made that mistake more than once and hurt a few other women that didn't deserve it. Not intentionally leading them on, but waiting until my ex would contact me. As soon as she did I dropped whoever I was dating and ran back to my girl because I love her. Way too many times in fact. Take the time and allow your heart to recover. It hurts and is a long road.

 

Thanks for the advice buddy. its hard because one part of me loves her, another hates her, another cares, another feels pity for her. i guess i should be happy knowing her new guy will care for her as i used to work with him and he is a decent guy. just gotta try and put her out my mind, ive started the healing process, just need to see it through

[Vander77]

Funny thing is, I go through all the emotions daily. I love her I miss her, I care for her, yet I hate her and what she did to me. Now I have to say to myself would I want to go back to her and put up with the same bullcrap as before? The answer is no I don't. The hard part us the comfort level. We were so comfortable around each other and now it's like going back to square one and starting over. Re-finding yourself and being happy with yourself and where you are in life is the only way you'll be able to fully recover.