ConfusedButInLove Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have been with my partner for a while and have been left very confused about the physical side of things. She has always refused to talk about sex saying just doing so makes her feel ill and that it does not form a major part of a relationship, and never should do. She says that in a survey 76% also believe this to be true and that it is not an unusual view, yet whenever I read anything on the web they talk about no relationship will survive without it, doing things together, romance, etc. I love this girl dearly and so deeply, that I want to be with her so much, but now wondering what to think. I know she has seeked help but has come back with the same view as well that the relationship does not need the physical side of things to work. She seems to have a real fear that I am going to find it elsewhere though and I get the feeling expects me to just walk away or cheat at anytime. I am just so confused now as the more I read here, on other sites, the more I am questioning if I can make this relationship last. Or am I so wrong on all that?
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have been with my partner for a while and have been left very confused about the physical side of things. She has always refused to talk about sex saying just doing so makes her feel ill and that it does not form a major part of a relationship, and never should do. She says that in a survey 76% also believe this to be true and that it is not an unusual view, yet whenever I read anything on the web they talk about no relationship will survive without it, doing things together, romance, etc. I love this girl dearly and so deeply, that I want to be with her so much, but now wondering what to think. I know she has seeked help but has come back with the same view as well that the relationship does not need the physical side of things to work. She seems to have a real fear that I am going to find it elsewhere though and I get the feeling expects me to just walk away or cheat at anytime. I am just so confused now as the more I read here, on other sites, the more I am questioning if I can make this relationship last. Or am I so wrong on all that? What kind of survey? By her imaginary friends? How old is she? Without sex there is no real intimacy. She is your friend, not your girlfriend. Unless you are both under 18, in which case she might be too young/immature. 1
Balzac Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Welcome to LS. You'll find informed, friendly and experienced folks here. For awhile sounds like years? I wonder what survey she refers to? Physical sexuality is a high need, necessary component for the majority of adults. Notice I did not say "all". You seem to be expressing your need but lacking a partner with a similar level of need. Care to expand?
Author ConfusedButInLove Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Both are in our 30s with previous relationships. Been together for over 18 months now. She says it stems from her teens and does not see it as important in life ever. Not sure on the survey, but it was a show on ABC I think it was.
Sugarkane Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Has she ever been sexually abused? Victims tend to either completely go off sex or become hyper sexual.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Both are in our 30s with previous relationships. Been together for over 18 months now. She says it stems from her teens and does not see it as important in life ever. Not sure on the survey, but it was a show on ABC I think it was. Ok, I'm sure there is a survey on whether bears really s**t in the woods but I digress. It's what you need. Most people would not consider a relationship without loving and caring sex intimate. I wouldn't. Maybe something happened to her that had hurt her but clearly your needs are different from hers. The thing is, she has no right to try to convince you that your needs are not important. If you can't imagine living without sex for the rest of your life, you need to find a woman who feels the same way (which would be most women, especially around that age). 1
Balzac Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 "sought help but returns with the same opinion" this implies to me that others have told her lack of intimacy is a problem. It sounds as if she tried therapy but did not engage in the process. How have you stayed with her for 18 months? You must be feeling very frustrated and denied.
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Ok, I'm sure there is a survey on whether bears really s**t in the woods but I digress. It's what you need. Most people would not consider a relationship without loving and caring sex intimate. I wouldn't. Maybe something happened to her that had hurt her but clearly your needs are different from hers. The thing is, she has no right to try to convince you that your needs are not important. If you can't imagine living without sex for the rest of your life, you need to find a woman who feels the same way (which would be most women, especially around that age). This. Statistical generalities NEVER apply to specific cases. If 99.99% of people don't do "x" but you do - then those 99.99% don't matter. You do. She isn't addressing YOU or YOUR needs - she's validating, to herself, why she doesn't HAVE TO (76% don't so the majority rules - and you lose). This is not healthy thinking on her part. I would think long and hard on this. It's a deal breaker and counter to a healthy R. 1
Got it Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 If she doesn't think sexuality is important in a relationship that is completely her right. But she needs to be upfront about it and date men that are completely understanding and informed of her viewpoint. I do also wonder if abuse has happened though she may just have a very low sex drive. But either way, you wanting more sex does not make you wrong. It just means that it is a square peg/round hole. I am surprised that she is so concerned that you will cheat. If she isn't helping to meet those needs, why does she have an issue if you find it elsewhere? Why does her "bar" have to become the partnership's bar of acceptability?
standtall Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Confused...punt this one to the curb. She is showing her hand and it is a major red flag. If your getting the "I'm not really into sex speech" when you're dating and in your 30's, then after you get married, you will be getting it...reluctantly...on your anniversary and birthday within 5 yrs. Add young kids to the mix, and you will be posting in the marriage forum about how you haven't had sex in 3 yrs. Run Forrest Run! 1
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