TaylorT Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 We have been dating for a little over a year. Everything goes fine between us except that I believe my boyfriend is using me and I dont know how to get out of this trap. On christmas, I got him a $300 gift that he really wanted and was talking about getting it for months. He gave me about the same money value gift, except that he didnt notice i already had what he bought me for about 3 months and I showed it to him when i got it. I did tell him that how come he does not pay attention and gave me something I already have and dont need at all but it didnt seem to bother him... His gift didnt fit even though it was the same size of an old one he had and he had no option but returning my gift for money as there was nothing else at the small store he got it from. He never mentioned anything about getting me another gift BUT was pressuring me to return his as he will need it soon. Im about to return his gift and call it quits. I dont know if I should just do it and "forget" about it as he did or if he will think im being rude... On new years eve, we agreed to go to a restaurant and the tickets cost 100 dollars each. I was the one to go over the restaurant and get the tickets for the 2 of us and our friends. Everyone has paid me back except my boyfriend. He has not even mentioned it. I dont know how to go about it without hurting his feelings. When we go out we normally split our bills and I have caught myself getting small things for him such as a take out and never getting the favor in return or an offer to share the bill. I'm 29 years old and he is 24. We are both in the same financial situation, sort of tough but we both have jobs. He knows this month I had to pay a lawyer and some fees to Immigration. I think our problems go beyond money. Please advise. 1
mammasita Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I think you need to speak up. Bring up your concerns in a non-confrontational way and don't worry about hurting his feelings. If he is truly using you - he will get angry and bail - good riddance. If he is not using you - he will be understanding. Trust me, I know how you feel. I've been in similar situations. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Hi, welcome to LS. It sounds as though your bf doesn't have much appreciation or respect for you, as his gf. He shouldn't ask you to return a gift, so he can keep the money. Either let you have the money. Better yet, he should return it, and get you something different. He may feel entitled as your bf, to get by with this: don't let him. You aren't, of course. What this comes down to, is a lack of respect. You put yourself to buy things for him, as a caring gf. He couldn't do the same, as a caring bf. I hate telling people to breakup. That is upto you: he does seem disrespectful of you as his gf. That matters.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 This needs to be brought to an equal footing. What are you, his GF - or his mother?
jakelongot Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 You've only really described the last 2 weeks of the year so it is hard to really gauge the situation. Holidays can be tough and Christmas gifts and NYE plans don't always live up to the hype and expectation. Based on your description it seems like "being used" is a little drastic. I would agree that if you are upset by the current state of affairs it is worth discussing, but it doesn't sound to me like he is taking advantage of you. Sounds like he got you a nice/expensive gift, just might have misujudged your size or got it from the wrong store. Isn't it the thought that counts? At least he made the effort...more than many guys would. And just because he hasn't paid you back for NYE, doesn't mean he won't ever. It was less than 2 weeks ago! I doubt he's thinking..."Yes! I got that girl to pay for NYE and all it took was a year of dating her!" I wouldn't be surprised if he is hurting a little bit financially. I always seem to spend too much around the holidays. I doubt he is planning on stiffing you. At the end of the day he is 24. Sounds like all things considered, he is pretty mature for a 24 year old. He sounds more considerate than some people i knew at that age (and even now at 30!). If you have a problem, talk about it. But it sounds like you are jumping to extreme conclusions based on a couple things that happened at the end of the year that were merely not ideal vs. hurtful.
crude Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 If the man is using you because he's only paying 43.25% of all the bills, imagine how men feel when the woman expects him to pay 100% of everything because he's the man. Since you obviously split the bills and I respect that, you should simply remind him that it's 50/50 and he hasn't been paying his share completely. However "used" is a strong word that should be reserved for women who have a sense of entitlement and expect men to pay for everything.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) I don't know about gifts, since I am never good at accepting gifts and rarely if ever expect them , but if he's not even paying 50/50 for dinners/meals, then there is a problem, I would say... he's not very considerate/respectful, and while I wouldn't say he's NECESSARILY using you, there might be a red flag there that you might have overlooked. Not sure if "being used" is what is happening here, as in, there is the intention to use you. It is possible. But it could also be that he is either stingy, or that he is a sort of misogynist who thinks women are golddiggers and now is doing the reverse, to make the woman "feel on her skin" what it's like to "be used." My ex was very bitter about women in general, and generalized about us being golddiggers, and even told me so, and I know that he didn't pay for his meals a lot of the time, because he wanted me to feel what it was like, to be used. In the end, yes, he was using me, not just for money, but for sex, etc. He was also putting aside the money he would've spent on HIS food, to go on yet another vacation to Thailand..... I am a very generous person, but there is a difference between being generous and paying for the both of you every now and then on the one hand, and between being used to pay for his meals a lot / most of the time. If you've been dating for some time now, I'd expect it to be 50-50. You do not necessarily have to split the bill. I hate haggling over money and the cheque at the restaurant, so I'd expect him to pay for both of us sometimes, and I'd do the same other times. It balances out. With my ex, I felt that I was paying for both of us most of the time, even though he made more money than I did, and he also had per diem ($50) on top of his salary, that he could've easily used to pay for both of us... But he almost never offered, and I noticed that he was reluctant to do so even after I had paid for both of us the day before, etc. In the end, I felt like I was his sugar momma, or something. What was more hurtful was the fact that he kept telling me how much money he had saved while he was in my city (for a job), because he hadn't been spending his per diem money, and kept telling me it would go towards his next trip to Thailand. That was very hurtful. In contrast, I had been spending way over my budget, because I usually do not eat out, and I was doing that a lot more than I usually do, because we were going out to dinner together... Not only was I now paying for myself (when in the past I would've just stayed in and cooked at home), I was also paying for HIS ... In the end, I was used, and then discarded/dumped. IMO, the gift thing isn't a huge deal (though the fact that he didn't go and get you something else really is kinda weird), but the 50/50 split thing is a big red flag. That said, I'd be curious as to whether he actually got your size wrong "deliberately", in order to appear like he gave you a $300 gift ,but that it didn't work out ("too bad")... by the time he'd get it back from you to exchange it, the holidays are long gone, and you'd probably forget about it and he wouldn't feel the need to get you something else, because, I mean, Christmas was like, a month ago by that point... I'd be suspicious about that. IMO, the right thing to do, would've been to return it, and then ask you what you wanted him to get you as a replacement (not necessarily for the same amount of money -- it could be that what you want costs less; as long as it doesn't cost more). I think at best he lacks tact, and at worst is stingy and manipulative.. and isn't the type of person who is very "giving" or generous. Or actually, even worse, he has a lot of baggage and negative/bitter views about women.. Having experienced this sort of behaviour, I would say that you two are at best incompatible, and at worst, he is just not the type of person who can be in a relationship because he is extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I am a rather easy-going person and my expectations are very low usually in terms of what the other person gives me, and given that I'm very independent, it makes me very uncomfortable when somone even pays for my meals, but even *I* felt a bit uncomfortable / used when my ex almost never paid for both of us, and a lot of the time didn't even pay for his own meals... Edited January 10, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 1
Author TaylorT Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Thanks for the words, I need to clarify the gift situation, I think I didn't word it right at the first time. I gave him a gift that didnt fit and he is pressing me to return fast as he needs it. He gave me a gift that I already have and he never noticed even though it has been with me everyday for the past 3 months. the only alternative was to return it, which he did, and I was expecting he was gonna give me something else to replace the gift. That's what's making me more upset. When we go out for dinner (not that often) we normally split the bill except for nye that he didn't mention anything about paying me back. When we go out to bars with friends I usually have a tab open and he gets drinks on my tab and at the end of the night I pay for all Maybe "using" me is too harsh, but maybe just taking advantage of some situations...
NoMoreJerks Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Next time, open the tab in his name! WTF woman! 2
Author TaylorT Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Next time, open the tab in his name! WTF woman! You are so right, I keep on doing things because I don't want to be mean or not nice or come across as if I'm not thinking about him but I'm making my relationship too difficult on my side
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 You do this because you want to appear nice. you do this in order to be approved. That - is classic doormat behaviour. First one this year..... 1
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) Let me get this straight: (1) You got him a $300 gift, and as he returned what he had given you and hasn't replaced that, essentially he didn't give you anything. (2) Sometimes you split when you go out, and almost every other time, you are the one who pays. He very rarely if ever pays for you both. (3) He hardly pays attention to what you said. If he had, he wouldn't 't have tried to give you for Christmas something you already had in the first place--he instead would have known that you indeed already had it. I think you're being used. And I am blaming YOU for it. How did you meet this guy and what is wrong with your people-picker? How did you put up with this for so long? Take responsibility! Edited January 10, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
Treasa Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I'm still goggling over you saying that things are tough for you financially, but you spent $300 on him for a Christmas present. I spend the most money on my mom, and that's maybe $200. My grandma is $100. My best friend is around $75. And charities get most of the rest. And things are not rough for my financially in the least. Either I'm doing things wrong, or I'm doing things really, really right. Other than that one comment, which wasn't helpful in the slightest, I completely agree with TaraMaiden. 1
Recommended Posts