whichone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I know ultimately it’s my decision but I’m stuck. I have been dating two women for the last 5 months or so. It’s all above board, they both know about each other but have never met but I’m sure they’ve Facebook stalked each other. They have both asked to move it to the next level and become exclusive. I am happy with that, happy to be exclusive with one of them, either one of them, but I’m just stuck as to which one has more potential. I am a sporty man. I play in a number of teams. I also like doing sporty adventurous stuff during my free time like abseiling, bushwalking etc. I am adventurous in the bedroom too and like to explore. Non smoker (except for a little pot every now and then). Social drinker. I have done a pro’s and con’s list which goes something like this: Woman one: larger girl, hates sports, not very social, doesn’t smoke anything, doesn’t drink, gets jealous. Wild in bed, best kisser ever, we still flirt a lot with each other, great steady job, very smart, wild in bed, funny, great cook, wild in bed. Woman two: Slim, loves sports, loves going out or entertaining at home, smokes a bit of pot, can drink me under the table, loves the same sporty recreational activities I do. Dead fish in bed, not very affectionate, sex seems like a chore (she will do it all but just doesn’t seem into it), a bit ditzy, floats from job to job to job, doesn’t get my sense of humor, doesn’t even know what a kitchen looks like. They have both asked within the last fortnight about being exclusive. The way I see it is the choice is woman one I will have a social life where she is rarely involved as she hates sports and partying, her jealousy could cause issues here. But our home life will be one from heaven, she is everything I would want in a wife and lover (not that I am thinking of marriage yet). Woman two on the other hand I will be able to share all my social activities with her and while I am young that is important but at home I will have to do all the cooking and cleaning and our budget to do things will be much smaller. And in the bedroom well I feel I would be always wanting more. I’d love to have woman two for my social life and woman one at home. Somehow I don’t think they will go for that So given that I am 19 what should I put more emphasis on, the social or the home life/bedroom? I don’t want to keep stringing them on forever, I will have to make a decision pretty soon.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Only 19 and two women, heh? Boy, this is a sharp learning curve.... How old are they, BTW? You have 2 options, as I see it... "Dump" them both. At 19, life's too short to commit to one single partner, and be exclusive. You have your middle age and the social responsibility that comes with it, for that. Right now, enjoy your life, have fun (safely! Don't take stupid risks, either in or out of bed!) and live life single and carefree. Second option, is to put the choice back at their feet. Tell them you have no plans to be exclusive, and you intend to carry on with things as they are. If they're happy with that - and you've never made a secret of the other woman - then that's fine. If they can't cope with it, they're free to leave, but you don't intend to be pinned down at this early age - you're too busy enjoying life. 1
Author whichone Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 How old are they, BTW? Woman one is 19 also, we were actually born on exactly the same day, in the same hospital, 32 minutes apart. Woman two is 24. You have 2 options, as I see it... "Dump" them both. At 19, life's too short to commit to one single partner, and be exclusive. You have your middle age and the social responsibility that comes with it, for that. Right now, enjoy your life, have fun (safely! Don't take stupid risks, either in or out of bed!) and live life single and carefree. Second option, is to put the choice back at their feet. Tell them you have no plans to be exclusive, and you intend to carry on with things as they are. If they're happy with that - and you've never made a secret of the other woman - then that's fine. If they can't cope with it, they're free to leave, but you don't intend to be pinned down at this early age - you're too busy enjoying life. I have thought about both those options. Option 2 has already been semi discussed and woman two will not hang around if I make that choice. Woman one is not happy about it but is quote "happy to wait til I come to my senses" end quote. I just think I will really miss the fun times socially with woman two. And I'm not sure I can handle the jealousy if I start going out with my mates. As for option one I have to rule that out. They both add so much to my life, losing one when I make the choice is bad enough, I don't want to lose both. live life single and carefree. I can't explain this, maybe it's embedded in my psyche, but I just don't want to be single anymore. Yeah, ok, I sound like an old bloke but I just feel I am ready to make that emotional bond with someone that I believe you can only get when you truly commit to them. Maybe I'm just young and stupid for thinking that?
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Yup. I'm 55 so I've kinda got a march on you. I understand you feel that way now, but your arguments against my options actually only serve to put you into an impossible situation. The bottom line is, you can't meld both and have them both. And at one point, something will have to give. better that you - as the common denominator - make that choice, rather than being a wimp and letting things ride, hiding in your mental man-den and letting the 'wimmin' sort it out. I would add - and this is not intended to be patronising OR condescending - that actually, at 19, your cerebral frontal lobes have not even yet fully developed and connected. So you see things differently to a more biologically mature person. But try to listen....The lesson here alone, is invaluable.
Author whichone Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I would add - and this is not intended to be patronising OR condescending - that actually, at 19, your cerebral frontal lobes have not even yet fully developed and connected. I started reading that link but got bored half way through it probably because my cerebral frontal lobes have not fully developed better that you - as the common denominator - make that choice I have been leaning toward one and if I was to make I choice right now I would fall that way. I was just looking to see differing views of the world. You have certainly provided that, break up with both! My parents are telling me choose one before I get a bad rep and you're telling me to keep seeing both?
sillyanswer Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 This won't be as good as TaraMaiden's advice, which is great as always... I like that you've done a pros-and-cons analysis. Since they both want you... why don't you get them to tell you what they see as the pros and cons of choosing them? Discuss the 'cons' with them and see if they agree or not. That should be a fun conversation, if nothing else.
Author whichone Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Since they both want you... why don't you get them to tell you what they see as the pros and cons of choosing them? Discuss that 'cons' with them and see if they agree or not. That should be a fun conversation, if nothing else. I like that. If woman one raises that I would be gone with friends too much we could discuss it and solve it before we even start. Maybe I could even talk her into starting to join in. I would be happy to train her to get her fit. Same for woman two, I could talk about the lack of sexual adventure. I will work on that.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I started reading that link but got bored half way through it probably because my cerebral frontal lobes have not fully developed Touche.... you're obviously brighter than you look..... My parents are telling me choose one before I get a bad rep and you're telling me to keep seeing both? No; I gave you the options: Either DUMP both, because you're far too young to be thinking of settling down - young romances are wonderful, informative and you learn a lot about yourself - but they very rarely last 'the distance'.... Were your mum and dad each others' first late-teen loves? The second option I gave you wast to put the ball in their court and ask them to decide whether they were happy to continue as things are, or leave..... But your parents are concerned for your reputation of being a flaky player with commitment issues. While I believe you're still too young to be labelled as such, I can see why they would be protective of your reputation. no parent who has worked hard to bring a son up, and invested everything emotional and practical in making them into a 'Mensch', likes to see that offspring garner a negative reputation.
Author whichone Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 very rarely last 'the distance'.... Were your mum and dad each others' first late-teen loves? I can only make the decision for the present, if it doesn't last the distance well that is part of growing but what if it does, how great would that be? My mum and dad have both been married previously. They both cheated on their partners with each other and eventually married.
april38 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Well, from a girls perspective, it sounds like woman #2 is more of a buddy than a lover. Is there any way to transition woman #2 into just friends? Woman #1 sounds like a better fit as a girlfriend, but if you're not socially compatible, you're gonna find yourself doing lots of stuff without her, and it's gonna break you apart eventually. I kind of think that you need to play the field and meet other girls....eventually find someone who's both a great party pal and compatible lover. 1
Author whichone Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Well, from a girls perspective, it sounds like woman #2 is more of a buddy than a lover. Is there any way to transition woman #2 into just friends? Woman #1 sounds like a better fit as a girlfriend, but if you're not socially compatible, you're gonna find yourself doing lots of stuff without her, and it's gonna break you apart eventually. I agree with this and is along the lines of what I was thinking. Woman two is more a friend with benefits. Woman one is who I really want to be with but there is no way I could still be friends with woman two. I couldn't imagine saying to my girlfriend, oh yeah, I'm just off camping and rock climbing with woman two who you know I used to sleep with for a few days. Even I'd get angry/jealous at that. What I need to do is just get woman one a little more motivated. Get her up off the couch and down the gym, down the beach for a swim, anything. I really think her not wanting to socialize is because she doesn't feel comfortable with her weight. She's not really that big anyway, she's a size 16 (sorry that's Aussie sizing, you'll have to work it out for your own equivalent). I think if woman one loses that little bit of weight she will want to socialize more and that makes us scarily compatible especially considering our birth dates.
MrCastle Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Both have their cons. My advice is look for woman number 3.
edgygirl Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 What I need to do is just get woman one a little more motivated. Get her up off the couch and down the gym, down the beach for a swim, anything. I really think her not wanting to socialize is because she doesn't feel comfortable with her weight. She's not really that big anyway, she's a size 16 (sorry that's Aussie sizing, you'll have to work it out for your own equivalent). I think if woman one loses that little bit of weight she will want to socialize more and that makes us scarily compatible especially considering our birth dates. I totally agree with you. Specially if she realizes it's a big issue for you that she's not that social. Try to get her into sports as a social thing (tell her you'd love to have her around doing stuff you like). she will gain in all areas: become closer to you, lose weight, have more energy and feel good about herself. I am not a big sporty person, but whenever I did something sporty, it was so fun because of the seratonin rush that I ended up loving it. I became chubby for a few years and didn't feel like leaving the house. Now that I'm at ideal weight again, I can be much more social again. I don't see #2 as an option. And while I usually agree with Tara's views, ill disagree on this one - in my case, because I didn't like committing at your age, looking back I can see now that having a string of uncommitted relationships does nothing for us emotionally and for growing as a human being. I wish I was more mature as you seem to be to realize that having several committed relationships is much more fulfilling (and fun!), when looking at the big picture. 1
FitChick Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 It doesn't matter which one you pick. Neither relationship will last -- as well it shouldn't. You need more experience.
Samilia Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I know ultimately it’s my decision but I’m stuck. I have been dating two women for the last 5 months or so. It’s all above board, they both know about each other but have never met but I’m sure they’ve Facebook stalked each other. They have both asked to move it to the next level and become exclusive. I am happy with that, happy to be exclusive with one of them, either one of them, but I’m just stuck as to which one has more potential. I am a sporty man. I play in a number of teams. I also like doing sporty adventurous stuff during my free time like abseiling, bushwalking etc. I am adventurous in the bedroom too and like to explore. Non smoker (except for a little pot every now and then). Social drinker. I have done a pro’s and con’s list which goes something like this: Woman one: larger girl, hates sports, not very social, doesn’t smoke anything, doesn’t drink, gets jealous. Wild in bed, best kisser ever, we still flirt a lot with each other, great steady job, very smart, wild in bed, funny, great cook, wild in bed. Woman two: Slim, loves sports, loves going out or entertaining at home, smokes a bit of pot, can drink me under the table, loves the same sporty recreational activities I do. Dead fish in bed, not very affectionate, sex seems like a chore (she will do it all but just doesn’t seem into it), a bit ditzy, floats from job to job to job, doesn’t get my sense of humor, doesn’t even know what a kitchen looks like. They have both asked within the last fortnight about being exclusive. The way I see it is the choice is woman one I will have a social life where she is rarely involved as she hates sports and partying, her jealousy could cause issues here. But our home life will be one from heaven, she is everything I would want in a wife and lover (not that I am thinking of marriage yet). Woman two on the other hand I will be able to share all my social activities with her and while I am young that is important but at home I will have to do all the cooking and cleaning and our budget to do things will be much smaller. And in the bedroom well I feel I would be always wanting more. I’d love to have woman two for my social life and woman one at home. Somehow I dont think they will go for that So given that I am 19 what should I put more emphasis on, the social or the home life/bedroom? I don’t want to keep stringing them on forever, I will have to make a decision pretty soon. #1, no brainer
runningfar Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Ask number one if your social life will be an issue and if she will try before making a decision. Tell her your concerns. Number two sounds like non starter... Older and further away from some basics... Less likely to grow together with you
todreaminblue Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I know ultimately it’s my decision but I’m stuck. I have been dating two women for the last 5 months or so. It’s all above board, they both know about each other but have never met but I’m sure they’ve Facebook stalked each other. They have both asked to move it to the next level and become exclusive. I am happy with that, happy to be exclusive with one of them, either one of them, but I’m just stuck as to which one has more potential. I am a sporty man. I play in a number of teams. I also like doing sporty adventurous stuff during my free time like abseiling, bushwalking etc. I am adventurous in the bedroom too and like to explore. Non smoker (except for a little pot every now and then). Social drinker. I have done a pro’s and con’s list which goes something like this: Woman one: larger girl, hates sports, not very social, doesn’t smoke anything, doesn’t drink, gets jealous. Wild in bed, best kisser ever, we still flirt a lot with each other, great steady job, very smart, wild in bed, funny, great cook, wild in bed. Woman two: Slim, loves sports, loves going out or entertaining at home, smokes a bit of pot, can drink me under the table, loves the same sporty recreational activities I do. Dead fish in bed, not very affectionate, sex seems like a chore (she will do it all but just doesn’t seem into it), a bit ditzy, floats from job to job to job, doesn’t get my sense of humor, doesn’t even know what a kitchen looks like. They have both asked within the last fortnight about being exclusive. The way I see it is the choice is woman one I will have a social life where she is rarely involved as she hates sports and partying, her jealousy could cause issues here. But our home life will be one from heaven, she is everything I would want in a wife and lover (not that I am thinking of marriage yet). Woman two on the other hand I will be able to share all my social activities with her and while I am young that is important but at home I will have to do all the cooking and cleaning and our budget to do things will be much smaller. And in the bedroom well I feel I would be always wanting more. I’d love to have woman two for my social life and woman one at home. Somehow I don’t think they will go for that So given that I am 19 what should I put more emphasis on, the social or the home life/bedroom? I don’t want to keep stringing them on forever, I will have to make a decision pretty soon. Cant help you in the decision making process,you need to do that but this is the exact reason i only ever date one guy at a time......this happens when you hav e achocie...you actually have to make one..there is good and not so good in everyone...if you date one at a time you dont have a comparison log book...you like the person for who they are..not what they do for you.and accept the flaws if they are too great a flaw, you don't continue dating......good luck with your choice ....hope its the right one you make....deb
soccerrprp Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Ugh, the reason why I stopped multi-dating. Anyway, sounds like #1 is the better option. Good luck and good luck letting one of them down. Not easy and I promised myself not to place myself in such a position again. 1
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