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getting over it, dealing with anxiety/obsessive thoughts.


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Posted (edited)

Funny how one incident completely changed how I act around this girl.

 

I use to feel real comfortable around her. Little to no insecurity/anxiety and we got along well.

 

Then we started to get close and almost slept together, but ended up with just a kiss. At first she was real excited to meet up again. Then she got scared and backed off saying it wouldn't work and She felt awkward around me. And now I am absolutley terrified to interact with her and when I have to I am paranoid she is judging me.. which of course makes the awkwardness even worse..

 

I just want to not give a damn and completely forget about the whole thing. But no matter how "good" I'm feeling when I'm away as soon as I catch a glimpse of her or anything that I associate with her all this anxiety, depression and obsessive thoughts come back..

 

Hate my brain sometimes..

Edited by andytenshi
Posted

How old are you two? :p In what circumstances you have to interact with her? Aaand... when did it happen?

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Posted
How old are you two? :p In what circumstances you have to interact with her? Aaand... when did it happen?

 

A bit of an age difference unfortunately. I'm early 30s she's early 20s and when we first met I even told her I wasn't sure about it.. should have went with my better judgement.

 

We work at the same place so some interaction/path crossing is unavoidable. And its been a little over a month since everything went to hell.

Posted

Well, you can imagine that I can't tell you what's in her head, but I don't think she was lying when she said she got scared and backed off (oh my, so many "she" in one sentence :D). It's a normal reaction when you feel something is not okay. I think that's why she feels awkward around you, because she remembers how it made her feel.

Try to stop dwelling on this connection between her and your anxiety & obsessive thoughts. Things could have been much worse. They aren't. She's just a girl you like(d) and kissed and who backed off.

Try to act normal when you have to talk to her; don't be rude, or shy or overly-polite. In time, if there aren't any deeper issues, you'll get used to it.

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Posted
Well, you can imagine that I can't tell you what's in her head, but I don't think she was lying when she said she got scared and backed off (oh my, so many "she" in one sentence :D). It's a normal reaction when you feel something is not okay. I think that's why she feels awkward around you, because she remembers how it made her feel.

Try to stop dwelling on this connection between her and your anxiety & obsessive thoughts. Things could have been much worse. They aren't. She's just a girl you like(d) and kissed and who backed off.

Try to act normal when you have to talk to her; don't be rude, or shy or overly-polite. In time, if there aren't any deeper issues, you'll get used to it.

 

Thanks for the advice.. what made it so hard is the sudden 180 she did and the fact that instead of just saying. This doesn't feel right lets go back to friendship she said she doesn't want to be at all close to me.. and that she had been hoping feelings for me would come along but decided they wouldn't. " she did apologize for inadvertantly leading me on"

 

Its been a rocky month her attitude went from awkward silence to dagger eyes whenever I said hello or tried to act like nothing happened.. so I backed off completely for about 3 weeks breaking that streak after I heard she had to go to the hospital and I just asked what happened and if she was ok.

 

Thankfully the scowling has seemed to have stopped but we still try to avoid each other.

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Posted

And thanks for the explanation on why she may feel the need to avoid me. I had asked her why but her explanation didn't really make sense. As a guy it still doesn't seem necessary just act like we never met, but I can kinda understand her point of view now. Just wish we could still be friends like before :(

Posted

If you'll read some stories posted here on LS, you'll see people doing the "sudden 180" thing after 10 years of marriage (just an example). It's not cool - trust me, I know - but it happens all the time. If you'll scroll down and read my story, you'll see that I'm in a similar situation regarding to how things have suddenly changed. It has happened to me before, and who knows what the future holds?

 

In your case, I don't think it was your fault or hers. Her actions should not be an indication of your worth. She thought it might work, she tried to see... and you know what happened from there. It sounds like she already has made up her mind, and for your own good you shouldn't even think about changing things.

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Posted

I have read some of the other stories here as well as other forums and even my sister is going through a really tough breakup now. She has been married to her husband for about 5 years and they dated for about 5 years before that. He was also pretty much my best friend most of that time as well. Now he doesn't want to be with her and has alienated himself from everyone because of how he's handling it.

 

So yea I know my situation isn't unique and its not the last time ill go through this, but that doesn't make it any easier right :)

 

I read your story victoria and roller coaster is probably the best analogy. You can be doing well and then something reminds you of them and then its downhill. Your comment about him making the bed reminded me of one of the first flirtatious conversations I had with the girl in question regarding a new bedspread she helped me pick out.

 

I haven't made my bed in weeks because whenever I try I start thinking fondly of her..

And your guys comment about the two of you being too different sounds a lot like what I was told about her and I having nothing in common and her feeling like she struggled to hold a conversation. I don't agree. I think we have a lot of similar interests and taste that she's choosing to ignore because that makes it easier for her to let go.. but I am quiet and slow to opening up to people so I do have to take the blame for some of our conversations.

 

NC is the best option but its not easy. I still have lots of questions I want to ask her, things I want to say, or apologize for other things I said that I think pushed her even further away (I think I overheard her venting about me to a coworker but I didn't stick around to find out.) But I haven't done any of this because I know it won't change the outcome and ill just feel like an idiot.

 

I know things just didn't work out. Its not something I did and I don't feel she was being malicious. In fact we were both quite up front with our intentions from the start. She had said continually she wasn't really over her ex, but she liked me and was worried about hurting me. I had stressed that although I liked her and would like a relationship if things changed but I was content with a friendship if that's all she could give.

 

But all that honesty didn't help things from getting weird when physical attraction started to get the best of us..

Posted

Andy you need to play it cool man, of course you are feeling those emotions of hurt, rejection etc, but you really need to blow it off and seem like it doesn't bother you. It doesn't seem like you get to mee too many girls so the first thing i would do is try get out there more and meet more girls.

 

The age difference is pretty big too, i am seeing a chick in her early 20's and am very cautious, so that was a big red flag from the start because women don't get a clue until they are 23-24, and even then some don't.

 

Just act cool around her don't think too much you will be ok! good luck!

  • Author
Posted
Andy you need to play it cool man, of course you are feeling those emotions of hurt, rejection etc, but you really need to blow it off and seem like it doesn't bother you. It doesn't seem like you get to mee too many girls so the first thing i would do is try get out there more and meet more girls.

 

The age difference is pretty big too, i am seeing a chick in her early 20's and am very cautious, so that was a big red flag from the start because women don't get a clue until they are 23-24, and even then some don't.

 

Just act cool around her don't think too much you will be ok! good luck!

 

Yeah, I know when we have to interact showing discomfort only makes it worse, but its hard to fake it when all the energy and smiles completely drain out of her the second she realizes I'm nearby. I have a HUGE issue with making anyone uncomfortable. I can't stand it.

 

and yes of course her age is a big red flag, and there are some others I chose to disregard at the time, but nothing i can do about that now. I've tried meeting other girls since, and there is one who seems to show some interest in getting to know me.. but I keep flipping back and forth on whether or not I'm ready to even bother making friends.

 

I'm not a real social person when I'm not with friends and when I have anxiety about anything interacting with people becomes a huge endeavor.

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