KB. Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I feel like I deserve to be with someone, but I don't think that anyone deserves to be with me... They deserve better. No one wants to be with me once they get to know me so that must be a sign to give up and stop wasting peoples time, right? Why I think that I don't deserve someone: -I was molested as a child by my babysitter/neighbour. I don't know if it progressed to rape. I feel like it did but I have no memory of anything past touching. -I was raped by the only bf I've ever had and he let 2 of his friends do things. I didn't leave because I was scared and kind of thought it was normal because of my past. -I've been in therapy for 10 years. It doesn't fix everything even though people like to think it does. I've changed therapists and medications, it doesn't help. -I get nauseous and scared at the thought of having sex or sexual touching. I'd probably never be able to have a sexual relationship. -I have very bad anxiety so it's hard for me to go out or be around other people. Even shopping, coffee or a movie is hard because of the crowds. I always go to old, late movies because no one else goes. -I'm completely infertile. I don't have any of my reproductive organs because of a health complication. I tried to adopt because singles can do that now. I got turned down because of my issues. Adoption agencies would prefer the kids to never have homes, rather than be with me. So no kids. There are men who don't want kids, but finding one who would be okay with everything else would be impossible. So in a nut shell, no kids, no sex, no sexual touching and rarely going out. Great catch hey? I'm attractive but that doesn't matter. It doesn't make up for everything else. But more than anything I want to be with someone. I want to love someone and to have someone love me. I want to be able to go home to someone and share my life with someone. Just like anyone else. I've gone on dates with people that I know but once they see that I'm "different" they don't like me anymore. And it doesn't take long to notice because on just the first date I have too much anxiety to simply hold hands. I need more time than 1 date, maybe a 4. No one wants to give me that time though. I'm 26 and no one has wanted to be with me in about 5 years. Longer really, but I wasn't dating then. I've had plenty of people tell me to just have friends, maybe they are right.
Bito Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 My heart goes out to you. I don't know what to tell you except stay possitive and take steps overcome your past. I wish I could punch that douche ex of yours in the face.
MrCastle Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 You more than anyone deserves to be with someone. Someone good. Praying you make it through. God Bless. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have had some similar experiences to yours. But more than anything I want to be with someone. I want to love someone and to have someone love me. I want to be able to go home to someone and share my life with someone. Just like anyone else. Yes you do deserve the above. What's more is you deserve to have someone you could tell all those dark things to but who would still want to be there for you. But, you may not get it. It would be positive of me to just say something nice but I'm gonna give it to you straight. The fact that you have had a hysterectomy makes you as much of a sexual minoirity as anyone who's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or intersexed. Having been abused at some point is the same way from what I've seen. People get really uptight about sex and about anyone who's sexual life and health aren't totally normative. As you have seen the understandable after effects of having been abused and your health issue lead someone to thinking you couldn't raise a child. (While the courts will give a child to a drug addicted single parent whith a criminal history.) There is a very real stigma to having been through what you have been through. There is a way to turn that stigma into a positive. If you are honest about who you are and what you've been through only people who really truly like you will date you. This will mean less dating, but when you do find someone it will be deeper and mean more. 2
MrWindupBird Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 My wife is a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Our intimate life is very often a struggle. It's something she deals with, and I deal with by proxy, every single day. But in every other walk of life, we are an amazing team. You should give it a try. If the thought of a man is too much for you, try to go on a date with another woman. Maybe you'd like it. As a man, I highly recommend the company of a lady. They're very sweet and gentle creatures. But the most important thing for you is to feel complete as a person, and everyone gets lonely. The thing my wife struggles with is realizing that her abuser is behind her in the past. It's easy to see the abuser living in every person you meet, but you have to remind yourself that most people are good people. I hope you find happiness. I really truly do. 1
Emilia Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I had boyfriends who were sexually abused when they were little and I loved them very much Can you try fostering? The regulations are different than for adoption and maybe that will mean they will let you adopt eventually?
soccerrprp Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Yes, of course, you deserve someone!!! I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through and continue to struggle through, but continue to struggle THROUGH it, none the less. One step at a time, one day at a time....work towards making each day an opportunity to meet a goal, however small, towards making you whole. Thinking of you and hoping much love comes your way. I love you and want you to find what you want most. We all have our own issues to deal with and most deal with them having some sense of optimism. Please do the same. The alternative will not help you. Take care of yourself.
sillyanswer Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I feel like I deserve to be with someone, Tough love coming up... That's only half a step away from being entitled to someone... and you're not. Nobody is. That has nothing to do with the list of reasons you gave, though. Those are absolutely, definitely NOT reasons why you don't deserve to be with someone. Can you focus on reasons why someone might want to be with you? You're attractive... perhaps you also have some fun interests and hobbies to share with a partner? If you only tell us the reasons why you (think you) don't deserve anybody it'll be hard to convince you that you might be able to find somebody, and it just serves to reinforce your belief that you're undeserving of love. Sure, you'll get sympathy (and you deserve some of that after what you've been through!) but sympathy alone isn't going to get you a partner. What are you doing about it? Really sorry to hear some of what you've been through, but don't let that define you! Good luck!
Later82012 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) My wife is a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Our intimate life is very often a struggle. It's something she deals with, and I deal with by proxy, every single day. But in every other walk of life, we are an amazing team. You should give it a try. If the thought of a man is too much for you, try to go on a date with another woman. Maybe you'd like it. As a man, I highly recommend the company of a lady. They're very sweet and gentle creatures. But the most important thing for you is to feel complete as a person, and everyone gets lonely. The thing my wife struggles with is realizing that her abuser is behind her in the past. It's easy to see the abuser living in every person you meet, but you have to remind yourself that most people are good people. I hope you find happiness. I really truly do. Generally everyone just prays for them. Edited January 10, 2013 by Later82012
umirano Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I feel like I deserve to be with someone, but I don't think that anyone deserves to be with me... They deserve better. No one wants to be with me once they get to know me so that must be a sign to give up and stop wasting peoples time, right? I don't know how that translates to 'have to give up'. Maybe those who you have met so far did not want to be with you. But you don't know about your future. Why I think that I don't deserve someone: -I was molested as a child by my babysitter/neighbour. I don't know if it progressed to rape. I feel like it did but I have no memory of anything past touching. -I was raped by the only bf I've ever had and he let 2 of his friends do things. I didn't leave because I was scared and kind of thought it was normal because of my past. I am not follwing. How does you having been molested translate into you not deserving someone? Unfortunately many people have been molested / raped one or more times in their lives. Many of them are with someone later on. And it's good. I do not see any validity in your claim. -I've been in therapy for 10 years. It doesn't fix everything even though people like to think it does. I've changed therapists and medications, it doesn't help. Again. This does not explain why you don't deserve someone. Many people are or were in therapy. -I get nauseous and scared at the thought of having sex or sexual touching. I'd probably never be able to have a sexual relationship. -I have very bad anxiety so it's hard for me to go out or be around other people. Even shopping, coffee or a movie is hard because of the crowds. I always go to old, late movies because no one else goes. Same thing, to deserve =/= be likely to obtain. You absolutely do deserve somebody to be with. That fact is unrelated to problems you may have (and overcome) which make it a bit more difficult. -I'm completely infertile. I don't have any of my reproductive organs because of a health complication. I tried to adopt because singles can do that now. I got turned down because of my issues. Adoption agencies would prefer the kids to never have homes, rather than be with me. So no kids. In my country hardly any 26yo could adopt. Not sure whether your difficulties stem from your problems really. But you sound bitter. Try to put things in perspective. You live, you are working your problems, and there are solutions. And there are people stumbling over a land mine in their back yard right now, or watching their mothers getting raped in front of them, as I'm typing. Chill. You're still dealing with 1st world problems. There are men who don't want kids, but finding one who would be okay with everything else would be impossible. I am not saying it's a piece of cake. But it is certainly not impossible. Especially considering that you can overcome your problems. May it take a lot of time? Certainly! But that's true for a lot of people. There are hundreds of thousands of people with persistent problems. Is it any easier for them? So in a nut shell, no kids, no sex, no sexual touching and rarely going out. Great catch hey? I'm attractive but that doesn't matter. It doesn't make up for everything else. Yeah, of course you need to change in order to become more attractive (outside of physical appearance). I've gone on dates with people that I know but once they see that I'm "different" they don't like me anymore. And it doesn't take long to notice because on just the first date I have too much anxiety to simply hold hands. I need more time than 1 date, maybe a 4. No one wants to give me that time though. Are you serious or you trolling??? In my experience at least 50% of the first dates pass by with people not holding hands. Calm the f down I'm 26 and no one has wanted to be with me in about 5 years. Longer really, but I wasn't dating then. I've had plenty of people tell me to just have friends, maybe they are right.Well, a lot of people in this age range are sexual. So if physical closeness is a serious problem, then I am not surprised it is hard for you to find anyone. As far as I see it, you'll need to have to overcome your fear of closeness and sexual interaction. Does your therapist have an idea how to do that? Or is your approach to land someone first, and then work on that? I doubt that the latter will work...
umirano Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Oh yeah, and just for the record, all those things that you claim are preventing you from deserving someone: Apart from the sexual interaction, none of those things would be a deal breaker for me, if I were available now. And even that, I really think you can overcome this. I know of several girls (assuming you're one too, as per your bf quote) who were raped / molested and lead healthy and normal sexual relationships now. Good luck to you, and you have my deepest sympathies.
Recommended Posts