feel hopeless

[seibert253]

Keep strong amigo. It gets better over time.

Keep working on yourself.

Always forward (feel free to use this as your new motto/outlook)

 

BTW, I'd bet the farm there's another dude. Your gut is usually right.

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

No doubt there is someone else. Let him have her and her problems.

 

As a general rule of thumb, cheaters cheat down, meaning the new person in their life is lessor than the one they cheated on. And conversely the betrayed partner eventually trades up.

 

For me after my separation, I was through with love, even though I got back into a great dating life, I was determined to never fall in love again. For the next decade and a half I played the field and was more than happy living alone. I could do what ever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whom ever I wanted and had no one to answer to.

 

Then one night on our second date with this great looking long legged gal who was totally out of my league in the looks department, cupid shot me in the butt. That is when I found out that when it comes to love there is no defence.

 

Luckily she fell for me also, and for the past 17 years have been sharing my life with the love of my life. She is the sweetest most non selfish person I have ever met and she is all mine. She never complains about my hobbys, she never complains about my watching football, and sports.

And even though she is a couple of years away from turning 60, she still has an hour glass figure. Awesome to be retired and living with a gal who is definite eye candy.

 

Last year I found a photo of the Ex on the web. The past 30 years have not been kind to her and I am more than greatful I don't have to kiss that every morning.

 

I definitely traded up

 

Trust me, some day it will happen to you

[ataloss8270]

My advise is just to let her go. She needs to see what the world is like without you, if she enjoys it she will move on if not she will let you know. And its going to be you who has to decide if you want her back or not. But for now get out and live as if your not getting back together. Enjoy life and it will all get better. I'm not a firm believer in NC if you want her back, but if that's what you want to do then that your decision. If you do talk to her just agree with whatever she want to do and her opinion of you and leave it at that. Don't look at your relationship with her for the past or the future, just the here and now.

[newhorizon]

Seibert, that's what I'm trying to do, stay strong! This morning I noticed I start feeling more like sh**t when I try to rationalize or try to figure her out, why she does the things she does I know it's not under my control and that it is a mystery that maybe even she doesent understand? I caught my self doing that and immediately put a stop to that none sence.

 

2.50, I'm glad you found a nice gal! I want to jump on that dating scene fast but my self image and confidence are non existent right now! I rally don't have energy or motivation to do anything but just hang out around my house it seems like its the only place I feel safe and at ease! The only thing I'm looking forward to this weekend is football. I'm thinking of writing up a strict routine for each day to force my self out of the house, thinking of joining a new gym take up boxing or martial arts again. Man I dropped so many hobbies and things I used to like doing that now I don't think I would enjoy them anymore! My friends call me up to go to clubs bars and ect and I just don't want anything to do with all that.

 

All these years I dedicated my self to this relationship and for it to only last a few months as a marriage and her just treating me like sh**t really hurts!

[Mystery2Me]

Greetings NH! Sending applause and high-fives your way...congratulations for getting thru another week on the roller coaster!!!

 

I know right now you are thinking WTH... Nothing about this painful business is worth celebrating??? But what I'm speaking to, is your ability to live, demonstrate real courage, and function; as you become more aware that the life you dreamed of is rapidly becoming a painful nightmare. Not many folks can handle this nightmare of being abandoned by person you love the most.

 

Just know everything you are thinking and feeling is normal (to be expected), and is an important part of the healing process. Unfortunately this part of the process is painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting...but it is this very experience that brings about true closure and allows you to healthfully move forward.

 

Good news is joy is apart of this process for instance; support of friends/family, spoiling yourself, and pursing things you put off.

 

For me it is still very hard and many days my greatest accomplishment is getting out of bed to feed my dog. But I celebrate even the smallest victory because often they require ALL my energy.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself! ~Mystery

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

Great idea to start hitting the gym again. For many getting back into shape is one of the paths towards getting back your self confidence.

 

IIRC it took me 3 to 4 weeks to get over the shock and to once again to begin to think more logically

 

Once my head cleared then I was able to get back to my hobbys. As I posted to M2M's thread, in searching for new activities to keep my mind busy I picked up a cook book for gourmet meals at a used book store and began to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. Not only did the meals take longer to cook, thus less time to think about the Ex, but I also got the double reward of a great meal, and later it was great ammunition when I got back into the dating game.

 

And I am sure it is part of the reason that my lady and I are together. As I do almost all of the cooking.

 

My lady claims at her age she is no longer romantic. Hah! Everytime I do cook up something fancy, some how the candles magically appear just about the time the meal is ready to eat.

[dreamingoftigers]

Omg, my hero!

 

Can you talk to PJKino in the "women who don't like Alpha's thread."

 

You know, the usual "I can't get a woman because I am not Alpha enough garbage."

 

Kick his "Beta" butt, set him straight.

 

Everytime I see or hear the word Beta, I think of those video players back in the 80s. Makes me long to be a kid again.

 

mucho gracias/Por Favor

 

nh

 

Great idea to start hitting the gym again. For many getting back into shape is one of the paths towards getting back your self confidence.

 

IIRC it took me 3 to 4 weeks to get over the shock and to once again to begin to think more logically

 

Once my head cleared then I was able to get back to my hobbys. As I posted to M2M's thread, in searching for new activities to keep my mind busy I picked up a cook book for gourmet meals at a used book store and began to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. Not only did the meals take longer to cook, thus less time to think about the Ex, but I also got the double reward of a great meal, and later it was great ammunition when I got back into the dating game.

 

And I am sure it is part of the reason that my lady and I are together. As I do almost all of the cooking.

 

My lady claims at her age she is no longer romantic. Hah! Everytime I do cook up something fancy, some how the candles magically appear just about the time the meal is ready to eat.

[newhorizon]

2.50 I'm actually quite a good cook the only thing I hate is cleaning up the kitchen afterwards my ex and I used to cook meals together alot it was something we enjoyed doing together(at least I did).

 

Back in October our lease was over and I really didn't feel like staying at that apartment anymore. Right now I'm stating to look around for another apartment maybe that will also help me think less about her.

[MsOptimist]

I second hitting the gym now that you have extra time and emotions to work through. I was in good shape before this mess, and right now I am in the best shape of my life since I have hit my runs and workouts even harder since I moved out (and met new people through new running groups). And I plan to keep this lifestyle up.

 

Let's just say that I'm even more toned and running faster than ever (I have gotten a personal record in every race I've done since I moved out). I feel great physically and I'll bet my ex would be drooling if he saw how much more in shape I am right now.

[shalisha42]

Thank you excellent way to put it that's exactly how I feel I need help.

I am very close to all my family but I feel ashamed and embarrased to tell them anything, they helped us out when we first got married so I feel shameful telling them.

 

I'm at work right now but I can't even focus or think straight I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and a knot on my throat. reading all these post on ls is the only thing that's calming me down just enough to make me stay and not go home to lock my self up in my room.

 

Do you have any advice that you learned down the road that you wish you would of known since the beginning of your grieving process?

 

I feel so ashamed hopeless I don't even know when or how to break the news to everyone( but i know everyone else already has a clue since its always the spouse the last one to know)

 

Thank you mystery

 

You don't necessarily have to break the news to anyone. This is a private matter. If people ask, say you don't want to talk about it.

[shalisha42]

2.50 I'm actually quite a good cook the only thing I hate is cleaning up the kitchen afterwards my ex and I used to cook meals together alot it was something we enjoyed doing together(at least I did).

 

Back in October our lease was over and I really didn't feel like staying at that apartment anymore. Right now I'm stating to look around for another apartment maybe that will also help me think less about her.

 

Hi New Horizon. I actually wrote a book on how to get your ex back. One of the things that is most important is changing your routine. May I post a section of my book to you either on here or in your PM box? I think it would be helpful. I also have a section on grief and how to get through the breakup initially. Would you like me to send you that too? I can just copy and paste those sections to you if you'd like.

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

Yes you definitely need to move to a new apartment complex and if possible to rid your self of as much of the stuff (triggers) that you had together

 

Also if possible don't take the first available unit that you find. If you can shop around with the thought in the back of yout mind that you will want to start expanding your social circle.

 

Example: When the Ex and I separated I was stuck living out the last 7 weeks of the lease, which gave me plenty of time to shop. I was lucky in that it was summer time, so I was able to check out the activity at the pool, which in turn gave me some insight as to what my new neighbors would be like.

 

I found on with something like 400 units, mostly singles, and carefully chose one on the ground floor where I could set up my webber. Then I hit the want ads to pick up some nice used furniture. For a house warming gift I purchased an electric ice cream maker.

 

For the first month I lived there I hardly ever used the stove. Cooking dogs, burgers, etc almost nightly with a six pack of good beer to share and it wasn't long before I had my new friends looking forward to Sundays when we made homemade ice cream

[SuperGeek]

Completely true. Only mine came back after i had already been through the pain. I was at that point utterly bitter and angry at her for giving up on us, knowing she had been with lots of other men, and that the trust was broken beyond repair. I didn't get back with her and she gave up trying after 4 phone calls over a two week period (hope she didn't over exert herself too much there). Haven't seen her since and it's better off. I deserve better or hell, to die alone peacefully without wondering when she'd run off again.

 

"It seems all she remembers from me are the little small insignificant things and she's holding on tight to them to justify her actions!! Go ahead women one day I will be strong and healthy again while you drown in your negative and manipulative ways."

 

OH...YES! That same EXACT thing my wife is/was doing to me. It's called "GASLIGHTING", google it. That's part of how NC works. The anger they "feel" goes away, because you are no longer there at the house WITH her or talking to her for her to blame you. They soon feel realize themselves that the "anger" is unfounded. THAT is when they come running back (not that yours will) but that's what happens. Suddenly, all these "terrible" things you did to her (you BULLY...you BAD MAN) she can't remember. They are ONLY EXCUSES for them to carry on their detestable behavior. Then when their little affair ends, watch out.

 

I'm with you too......

Edited January 14, 2013 by SuperGeek

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

Being as I was 35 year old bachelor when I married, and like you I was pretty good in the kitchen. Hell I could make gravy from a boullin cube and my younger sister who was a stay at home mother of two little girls couldn't make regular gravy without it being super lumpy

 

Yeah, I could make lasagna, chili verde, chicken and dumplings, etc. that had them coming back for seconds. But there is something romantic that brings out the candles when serving up a gourmet meal like coq au vin, and helps set the mood for a night of loving

[newhorizon]

Yesterday would have been 17 days of nc. Alot has happened since yesterday! This female is either crazy in the head or bipolar or idk what's going on in her contaminated head, here's what happened!

 

Yesterday around noon I get a call from a weird number it seemed local so I picked it up and guess who it was?? Yup her, I'm guessing she got my new number from one of my relatives but she didn't say who. The reason it looked like a local number was bc she was calling with one of those prepaid calling cards! Anyways here's how it went.

 

--she's all asking me how I am, asking me if I miss her why I hadn't reached out for her ect. After some of that she was all saying how she misses me and loves me and that going away was the stupidest thing she has done, that she thought she needed some space but that it only made her miss me more ect. I told her if that's the case what are u still doing over there, you know my address ! She was all saying that she was afraid of coming back bc she thought I wouldn't take her back or love her anymore( I'm just listening thinking its all bs) I told her yea maybe you shouldnt risk it! Then she turns to victim mode and says, see that's what I mean you don't understand me your always so cold ,I'm trying to open up to you and you shut me down. I was already pissed of and thy comment just irritated me more! I told her I had to get back to work and she's like I felt really good talking to you, I feel safe when I hear your voice ect all mushy sh**t I just said I'm glad your doing well, bye.

 

-later on like around 6 I was walking my dog when she sends me an email, very long email basically summing up all she had said that she loved me and missed me ect and that she will be back soon ect, I don't believe a word she says but for some reason I felt really anxious and and nervous! I had to sprint with my dog just to get that anxyety feeling out of my chest!

 

So later at night I went with my sister and her bf to go drink some beers, I was a little buzzed after a few beers went home tried to go to sleep but my mind was rushing with memories and trying to rationalize what had happened thru out the day I kinda felt some hope but something was telling me it was all lies I couldn't sleep my thoughts were all over the place! So I decided to do some snooping around. We used to have the passwords of each others email so I try checking hers and she had changed the password on both her email and fb. I was ok seems fair since I did te same, I then tried checking her fb and what do you know, her little picture that pops out when it asks you to verify the incorrect password was of her and another guy hugging. Yea I felt like **** after seeing that! So I just shut everything down and started thinking about everything all the lies all her stupid sh**t she said thru out the day and I've must of passed out bc I woke just in time to go to work!

 

This morning of course I feel like ****, but what bothers me the most right now is all the dam lies!! What's her point what is she trying to do is she doing this on purpose to hurt me even deeper or what?

 

Like 45 min ago she calls me, she's like hey how are you today it felt really good speaking to you yesterday after so long, I miss you alot ect, so I just blew a gasket and told her that I had seen fb and that there is no reason why she should contact me again that she is a bad person and that I feel ashamed of ever marrying her! Nothing offesincive no bad words just like that but in a loud tone! She's like idk what your talking about I haven't even used my fb in a long time that she just wanted to say good morning gaslighting me so I just hanged up , put my phone in my tool box went and grabbed some coffe and just walked it off, I came back later and saw she had called and left a couple of vm but Im pretty heated right now so I don't wanna listen to them.

 

I just needed to vent somehow! Thanks for reading

[MsOptimist]

I had something similar happen to me. About 3 months after I moved out, and from very, very little contact, I got several really long emails out of the blue. Everything from apologizing, saying he was wrong and I was right, I was the better person who brought more to the marriage than he ever did, blah blah blah. He wanted to try to work through everything if I was still willing to try. Well, it was far too little too late, and when I didn't come running back he flipped back again to blaming me and saying he feels sorry for me and wasn't trying to get our marriage back but only be friends (NOT what he said in the emails!!). And he's been seeing "a few" people recently.

 

He's all over the place, and I think you're seeing the same thing. I don't think they know what they want, or at least they don't know how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Reading my stbxh's emails side by side is proof that he's on a rollercoaster and is trying to take me along for the ride, and I'm not playing that game. He can't mess with my head like that, especially not after what he's put me through recently.

 

People who have been in my situation have told me that I haven't heard the last of him trying come back into my life, and I'm guessing you haven't either. Their guilt will eat away at them.

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

My Ex moved in with the OM on d-day when I kicked her to the curb. Over the next month she took every chance she could to rub my nose in it that she had some one new. Then she again came over with the OM to party with the next door neighbor and came over to our place "to see our cats", and again to tell me how happy she was with her new man. That is until she realized that I had had company the night before. And immediately did a total 180. "I'm so sorry, I made a mistake, You are the one I love" along with a waterfall of tears.

 

A week later she shows up at my work place, short skirt, lots of leg and lots of bosom. Another time where I shopped for food, my hobby shop. When I changed jobs, she found me. When I moved, she found me.

 

We didn't have caller ID in those days, she found me. For the next 3 to 4 years, I got Xmas gifts, cards, b-day cards, Valentine cards, along an occassional thinking of you card.

 

Then one night I got a real strange call from her, I wanted to hang up, but also wanted her to understand that it was totally over, and had been for years. I did not know at that time, but it was about that time she was granted a divorce, and I think that was her last gasp.

[newhorizon]

2.50 that's some story you have there some people are just not right in the head!

 

Today after what happened yesterday I felt indifferent even thou that morning call pissed me off, but after a good cup of coffe and some laughs with my co-workers in the shop my state of mind went back to neutral. All she did was devalue her self even more and showed how pathetic she really is. I'm not going to lie I did feel all types of emotions when she was talking all that sweet stuff but thanks to the nc I've had these 17 days I was able to shake it off!

The facts are:

- I can't trust her I seriously don't feel safe thinking us together alone in a room

- she's a complete liar and I now hate and detest liars

-she cheated on me and destroyed all trust and respect

-she gaslighted the hell out of me making me feel bad and apologizing for stupid nonsense just so she could feel better about her affair or less guilty

 

I love her as hell, but it's just like when a mad dog bites you, you just gotta put that animal down, it's not the same puppy you picked up at the breeder, that's how I'm looking at it.

 

I don't even want to hate her bc that means I'm investing time on her. Just want to move on, at the end of the day it's just a learning experience!

 

2.50, what type of hobbies do you have?

[newhorizon]

I had something similar happen to me. About 3 months after I moved out, and from very, very little contact, I got several really long emails out of the blue. Everything from apologizing, saying he was wrong and I was right, I was the better person who brought more to the marriage than he ever did, blah blah blah. He wanted to try to work through everything if I was still willing to try. Well, it was far too little too late, and when I didn't come running back he flipped back again to blaming me and saying he feels sorry for me and wasn't trying to get our marriage back but only be friends (NOT what he said in the emails!!). And he's been seeing "a few" people recently.

 

He's all over the place, and I think you're seeing the same thing. I don't think they know what they want, or at least they don't know how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Reading my stbxh's emails side by side is proof that he's on a rollercoaster and is trying to take me along for the ride, and I'm not playing that game. He can't mess with my head like that, especially not after what he's put me through recently.

 

People who have been in my situation have told me that I haven't heard the last of him trying come back into my life, and I'm guessing you haven't either. Their guilt will eat away at them.

 

Ms O,

 

I hope the guilt eats them away! I'm sure I will hear more from her hopefully she won't buy just in case there's a big red button on my phone that says "end call" as soon as I hear her voice that's what she is gonna get!!! I'm getting better at shutting down my thoughts of her, every time my mind wonders off I just start thinking of my dog or family members and inmidiately I feel better. I know I'm going to have my ups and downs but I feel a little bit more in control of my own emotions, I can't understand why we have this fear of loosing someone when in reality nothing absolutely nothing happens when you loose them. What's the point of that feeling? what's the point of the heartbreak when nothing happens?

[Mystery2Me]

Hi NH, sorry you are dealing with the silly games. It is shockingly incredible these spouses are so self-absorbed with being the victim, that fail to recognize or care about the harm they are causing by acting out.

 

Also if helps you maybe change your cell number and create a new email account for your dearest family and friends; keeping the old email account to communicate with your wife.

 

Take care of yourself. ~Mystery

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

Love does not come marching down the street everyday, so part of the fear, is we are worried that we might never have that recipe again

 

Also them vows are powerful.

 

Prior to my marriage I had dated a couple dozen girls, other than breaking up with my Ex fiance and one other girl, the break ups had been rather painless.

 

When it came to the break up of my marriage, even though it had lasted but 6 months, it tore me apart. That is when I realized the power of them wedding vows.

 

From childhood on we are taught the sanctity of the wedding vows. It becomes engrained within our souls. And even if you are an atheist, this is a promise of richer or poorer, sickness and health, forsaking all others until death, made between yourself, your spouse and the almighty. That is what makes them so powerful

 

And for that same reason, that might be part of the reason why our wayward spouses, even after walking away and abandoning the marriage, still feel the need to somehow hold on and maybe try to reconcile. Yes part of it is guilt, after all they took them same vows

Edited January 19, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon
Missing sentence

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

I totally understand what you are going thru. I thought that d-day was tough when I caught her kissing the OM. I had always been able to control my anger until that day, had I been able to get my hands on them I probably would have gone to jail. That was followed by the deepest depression I have ever experienced.

 

Then while I am at the bottom of the deepest of black holes, in total pain of missing her, to hear her tell me how much she loves me, to see her on the floor, crying her eyes out, begging me to take her back and give her a second chance, and knowing all I have to do is take her in my arms and kiss her and tell her we would give it another go, and my and her pain would magically disappear, but knowing that while my love for her still filled my heart, the trust was totally gone. That I had to look into the future, and realize that if we had these kinds of problems, they probably would re-appear. And that there was no way I could fulfill my dream of having a family with her, I could never let this woman be the mother of my children and even though my heart was breaking with love from missing her, I had to force myself to turn my back and walk away.

 

That and the days that followed were the toughest that I ever had to live through

[2.50 a gallon]

nh and MsO

 

My Ex had foldout material looks, strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, longer than mine, that went all the way up and well rounded where a woman wants to be round.

 

The first time we put up our Christmas tree, while I was attaching the star she disappeared into the bedroom and came out five minutes later in this black see through thing she had bought at Fredericks, along with fishnet stockings. She mixed me a large rum and coke, my favorite, produced a very stinky, expensive cigar and instructed me to try and just watch and enjoy.

 

Watching her bending down to pick up the ornaments, or leaning into, or standing on tippy toes to place the ornament in the tree and it was Hefner eat you heart out time.

 

That was the start of a Christmas tradition that lasted for the next 3 years. And something that I have never again experienced.

 

The first holiday without was a real downer, as it would have been out first anniversary.

 

A year goes by, I have a new life, new friends, including a new girl friend, and the Ex is almost totally gone from my mind, our up coming anniversary is just a vague memory.

 

My new GF and I made plans for putting up the tree that Saturday, we would search several lots for the perfect tree, then head home for a night of loving and tree decorating. I left the tree outside the door, and while she vaccummed, you know women, and us slob bachelors, I went down to collect my mail. There to find a Bettie Page (for those who don't know, she was the top pin up girl in the 50's who modeled mostly in lingere, quite risque for her time) card, on the blank inside cover the Ex had written something about missing me, along with her new address and to call her when it came time to decorate the tree.

 

That is what they called at that time a Buzzkill.

[2.50 a gallon]

Alas forthe second night in a row my hobbies post failed. Will try another time.

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

I have been a model builder, since about age 8, when I put together a Spitfire. Today, I am still at it, but mostly scratch build, dioramas

 

When I wa your age was very much into photography, nature, and wanting to preserve image for historyh, also vacant lots, buildings, buses and trains.

 

As a sideline to my sex life, I had an extra bedroom setup as a studio, for taking portraits of women, boudoir, nude, etc. My line to the young ladies, was someday you will be an overweight grandmother, why not get photos of yourself when you were a flower of beauty. The deal was they bought the film then after the shot, I returned it to them so they could get it developed. I had a pretty good word of mouth rep and it was common to have a woman I had never met, knock on my door asking if I was the guy who took so and so's photos. I also took them for their boy friends and husbands.

 

That all came to an end when I married

 

Also used to hike and fish, vacations were spent out in the wilderness, for up to a week at a time.

 

That ended shortly after the break up of my marriage when I visited a local university to perv on the latest crop of coeds, got caught in a rain storm and seeking shelter found myself in the graduate library. With nothing else to do I took down a book from the 19th century and almost immediately found the answer to a mystery that had remained unanswered since the turn of the century. This was the passion of my life, historical research, now vacations are spent in the libraries of out of state universities and historical societies, rather than fishing.

 

Today, I am able to do a lot of research on the internet. If you know where to go there are thousands of old photos to study, along with old newspapers and old magazines.

 

After the separation, went back to model building, a co-worker introduced me to rare and hard to breed tropical fish. For awhile I had as many as 30 tanks, have backed off to about a dozen.

 

Also, at present am just finishing up putting away, Christmas lights and decorations. When the GF and I moved into our own place she said for Christmas she wanted large lights all around the house. It has grown from there.

 

When I was a kid, I always wanted a two story basement, one level for trains, complete with tunnels, trestles the whole shebang. And the other grotto like, for the keeping of lizards and poison dart frogs.

 

Also on my all time bucket list, is a radio control battleship, and a large B-17 that I know will never happen