feel hopeless

[newhorizon]

I'm new to this site, I just joined because reading all these stories have helped me calm that anxiety, pain, and heartache. Here is my story please someone slap some sence in to me.

 

I am a 25 yr old man, Ive known my wife since I was 16 and we just got married about 10 months ago. Around august she left to her parents hometown to visit(they live in mx). She had not seen them for a while so she was planning on staying a couple of weeks.

 

Everything was fine between us at least thats what I thought, we had our arguments, fights nothing out of the ordinary. When she first left we talked very often and txted all day, all of a sudden she started acting cold and distant, she wouldnt awnser my calls or txts. There were times she wouldnt reply at all. Then one day all of a sudden she starts going off at me about how i treated her like ****, that I didnt appreciate her, that she felt that i didnt love ect, basically i was the bad guy that treated her like ****. so the day she was suppose to come back she left me hanging, she didnt even say she wasnt coming or anything just ignored me stood me up while i was waiting a the dam airpot like an idiot, it wasnt untill i called her parents a million times that they told me that she had decided to stay. i was a mess, confused, begging for awnsers and she put all the blame on me victimizing herself as the innocent one.

 

as time went by, She stated growing more distant and cold each day we talked less and less. i was a mess i really missed her, i begged her and begged her tried to get to the problem, trying to work our issues out but nothing from her, one day she would be all sweet then ignore me the next couple of days. I had my suspicions she had found someone else but could not prove anything or get any awnsers from her, she would say i was crazy and that this was one of the reasons why whe couldnt be happy bc i didnt trust, wtf?right?this went on for months so around december, i told her i was going down there to see her, spend some time together try to talk she hated the idea and made a little tantrum but i went anyways.

 

while i was over there, i found out alot of things that really messed me up. i found out she was working, but something was off, she looked diffrent, i didnt see that glow in her eyes. she didnt want to spend the night with me, she didnt want to make love with me nothing, her kisses were cold. the nights we did spend together we would just cuddle, she told me she didnt feel right making love bc of how much i hurt her. she said she loved me that i was the love of her life, I asked her over and over if there was someone esle,(at that point i just wanted closure, i didnt want to be in limbo anymore so i pushed those questions hard) she sweared and sweared that there was no one else that she was just going thru a hard patch but that she would come home with me ect. but that she needed time to heal (we all know what that means)

 

I was pissed off at her attitude so i booked a plane home, when i got to my house, i wrote her an email saying that i was going to give her time for her healing that i would not contact her at all and that she souldnt contact me either untill she is over her pain i apparently caused her and knew what she wanted. i was tired of playing games with her!

 

so its been a week since nc, and yesterday i was chatting with her sister on messenger, and i asked her if she knew anything or what was going on with her. she told me that she recomends me to move on and to do something with my life to work on my self improvement, wtf?

 

so here i am all depressed and axious, i know what is going on but i cant wrap my head around it untill i hear it from her. why cant she just break up with me and tell me the truth!!!!! i m hurting bad but i know that when i hear the truth from mouth i can start moving on or at least try to move on with out all these lies and bs attitude. Im sure she is with someone else why cant she just fu****en admit it so we can both move on!!!!!!

[Mystery2Me]

Welcome New Horizons.

 

I am so very sorry that you are hurting and confused as you have been ambushed by this situation.

 

You're story is similar to mine (and unfortunately many others), but I've been married for 15 yrs when my soon to be ex-husband abruptly left with a bogus explanation.

 

The last thing I want to do is add to your pain, but you're gut feeling about there being someone else is true. <<<Hugs>>>. Right now I know you'd give anything for this not to be true, because you just want the pain to go away.

 

You want and deserve a honest answer, but because she is actively choosing to be 100% victimized by you to justify cheating, she can not and will not admit to the truth. If she admits to you she is cheating on a good husband then she would have to be responsible for her cowardly actions....so it is easier to place ALL BLAME on you.

 

I won't lie it's going to be pure hell and you MUST to 2 THINGS: NC and individual counseling. Why? NC will prevent more injury and counseling will help you to decrease the pain so you can see the difficult truth more clearly.

 

Once clear you can determine how best to proceed. For me it took 6 months of NC and counseling (very painful/confusion and missed him desperately), but now I have recovered the ability to confront the truth and make decisions that are in my best interest.

 

Keep posting...there is great advice, support, and motivation to be found.

 

Please take care and be very kind to yourself.

 

~Mystery

[newhorizon]

Thank you mystery2me

 

In fact I know there's some one else but for some sick reason I can't accept it until she tells me. I have been nc with her since December 29 right before new years. I've been thru hell since she stood me up at the airport waiting. I want to go to counseling but I don't know where to start even looking. Where do you find counseling or support groups or what is it that I need?

Thank you

[Mystery2Me]

I completely understand your wanting your "spouse" to come clean (so did I), unfortunately during all those weeks away from you....she has transformed into who she is now the VICTIM.

 

For me I hired a private investigator to discover the truth, because after 4 months of NC I had calmed/healed enough to accept that the husband I had known had transformed into a liar. By the way, I have yet to confront him with my proof but now will because I am mentally stronger to deal with the predictable denial.

 

About the counselor, I called my insurance company and requested a list of therapist/counselors in my area. Afterwards, I booked the first available

person because at that point I NEEDED to see anyone. At this point (9 months NC), I've found the counselor that is a better fit. Basically it's like

going to the Emergency Room so you can survive this life threating injury

caused by your wife, then you can move on to a specialist to address the

other serious issues.

 

Please allow people to help you to discover the inevitable truth in a positive

way, instead of subjecting yourself to more poor treatment.

 

 

You've done nothing to deserve this and it's not your fault. Yes, we've all

made mistakes but that is completely different than doing something wrong.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[newhorizon]

Thank you excellent way to put it that's exactly how I feel I need help.

I am very close to all my family but I feel ashamed and embarrased to tell them anything, they helped us out when we first got married so I feel shameful telling them.

 

I'm at work right now but I can't even focus or think straight I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and a knot on my throat. reading all these post on ls is the only thing that's calming me down just enough to make me stay and not go home to lock my self up in my room.

 

Do you have any advice that you learned down the road that you wish you would of known since the beginning of your grieving process?

 

I feel so ashamed hopeless I don't even know when or how to break the news to everyone( but i know everyone else already has a clue since its always the spouse the last one to know)

 

Thank you mystery

[M30USA]

What is her relationship with her parents? Has she cut the apron strings yet ?

[newhorizon]

With her parents she was always the black sheep she always craved for their attention. She hadn't been living with them for a long time she was always on her own

[MsOptimist]

Thank you excellent way to put it that's exactly how I feel I need help.

I am very close to all my family but I feel ashamed and embarrased to tell them anything, they helped us out when we first got married so I feel shameful telling them.

 

I'm at work right now but I can't even focus or think straight I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and a knot on my throat. reading all these post on ls is the only thing that's calming me down just enough to make me stay and not go home to lock my self up in my room.

 

Do you have any advice that you learned down the road that you wish you would of known since the beginning of your grieving process?

 

I feel so ashamed hopeless I don't even know when or how to break the news to everyone( but i know everyone else already has a clue since its always the spouse the last one to know)

 

Thank you mystery

 

I remember feeling exactly how you did when my stbxh dropped the bomb on me - didn't think I could function at work or anywhere else, but I had to go in because my coworker was on vacation. I didn't do much actual work, spent more time googling my situation and reading posts on here - it does help to find that so many people have been through something similar.

 

Find a counselor ASAP. I was lucky to know one that I had seen together with my mom previously, and the day after the bomb was dropped the first thing I did was make an appointment with him and it helped me immensely. Thankfully he had a cancellation that day and I got right in.

 

I felt the same as you - embarrassed to tell anyone but I knew I needed help somehow. That's where the counselor set me off on the right path immediately. He told me to find 1 or 2 family members to talk to and begin the process of opening up. He stressed that I needed to get my emotions out and begin building my support system.

 

I started with my dad and told him. Once I began telling more people it was comforting to know I had their support. That first week I was invited to lunch with some friends. Initially I thought there was no way I could physically be up for that, but I forced myself to go anyways and was very glad I did. I privately told my friends what was going on and the lunch turned out to be a very nice distraction. Things like this are how I began opening up to people. You will find out who are your true supportive friends, and many people will pleasantly surprise you with how much they care. That's what I found, anyways.

[newhorizon]

I remember feeling exactly how you did when my stbxh dropped the bomb on me - didn't think I could function at work or anywhere else, but I had to go in because my coworker was on vacation. I didn't do much actual work, spent more time googling my situation and reading posts on here - it does help to find that so many people have been through something similar.

 

Find a counselor ASAP. I was lucky to know one that I had seen together with my mom previously, and the day after the bomb was dropped the first thing I did was make an appointment with him and it helped me immensely. Thankfully he had a cancellation that day and I got right in.

 

I felt the same as you - embarrassed to tell anyone but I knew I needed help somehow. That's where the counselor set me off on the right path immediately. He told me to find 1 or 2 family members to talk to and begin the process of opening up. He stressed that I needed to get my emotions out and begin building my support system.

 

I started with my dad and told him. Once I began telling more people it was comforting to know I had their support. That first week I was invited to lunch with some friends. Initially I thought there was no way I could physically be up for that, but I forced myself to go anyways and was very glad I did. I privately told my friends what was going on and the lunch turned out to be a very nice distraction. Things like this are how I began opening up to people. You will find out who are your true supportive friends, and many people will pleasantly surprise you with how much they care. That's what I found, anyways.

 

 

Thank you ms.o

I will start looking for a counselor ASAP. I don't have alot of friends but the few I have are very good friends I do have a big and supportive family but just the thought of telling them makes me feel so ashamed its like I'm more worried about what other people will think of me failing in my marriage, ashamed of looking like a fool to everyone, like less of man that couldn't keep his wife happy that she turned around and played me like a puppet. I feel so much pain and shame like if I can't make my wife happy and respect me who will?

 

Another thing that bothers me and that I m probably rushing into on this state of mind is how do I even file for divorce, she's in another country and I don't think she's ever coming back. So confused and messed up I don't even know where to start my life over. But y'all are right first things first I need counseling

 

Thank you

[MsOptimist]

Thank you ms.o

I will start looking for a counselor ASAP. I don't have alot of friends but the few I have are very good friends I do have a big and supportive family but just the thought of telling them makes me feel so ashamed its like I'm more worried about what other people will think of me failing in my marriage, ashamed of looking like a fool to everyone, like less of man that couldn't keep his wife happy that she turned around and played me like a puppet. I feel so much pain and shame like if I can't make my wife happy and respect me who will?

 

Another thing that bothers me and that I m probably rushing into on this state of mind is how do I even file for divorce, she's in another country and I don't think she's ever coming back. So confused and messed up I don't even know where to start my life over. But y'all are right first things first I need counseling

 

Thank you

 

I felt the same way about the feeling ashamed of my marriage failing. I was so surprised when some people came and told me they had been in my same position. You just have to learn to accept that it is what it is.

 

You can start by seeking advice of a counselor and a lawyer for your legal questions. Initially I was overwhelmed and panicked by thoughts of starting over completely, wondering how I could afford to move and live on a single income again, etc. Take one step at a time.

 

Your family and friends will be supportive and let them help. You will need to lean on them for support. You did nothing wrong here.

 

Your self esteem has taken a big hit (mine did), but as you learn to refocus on you you'll see that you can respect yourself, and people will also respect you because of that. It's all a process. Try not to get overwhelmed with how and when everything will work itself out. Focus on taking care of yourself and muddling through one step at a time.

[newhorizon]

Is it wrong for me to feel a little better know other people are going though the same pain and heart ache???

 

Ive been checking with my insurance and found some councelors near my area. I can't wait to go I'm kinda scared I never ever been to counselor or much doctors I've had good health but I think it's also time to get a complete check up since its a new year the most important thing right now is to be healthy both mentally and physically.

 

I was thinking of getting a part time job in the evenings but if I can barely handle one job why add the extra stress right?

 

When I go to the councelor, should I make a list of the things that are hurting me or will they know how to dig into all that? Like I said its my first time and I want to make the most out of it

 

Thank you

[Mystery2Me]

New Horizons...great advice and support coming your way.

 

First off, the only thing you MUST do is take care of your immediate emotional and physical health.

 

It is not your job or responsibility to explain the motivation for your wife's crazy behavior. Simply put left yourself off the hook...if you do not understand what's going on...how can you possibly explain it to anyone else.

 

This is why NC and counseling is critical for you to regain clarity and control for the tail spin your wife's actions have painfully thrown you in.

 

Once you're clear, you will realize that all you can do is account the events because you can not speak for her reasoning.

 

Basically you're experience of these same events is just as important as her lies...put your energy to understanding your feelings and your experience.

 

During this process you get to decide who's on Team New Horizon...maybe parents, certain friends, counselor.

 

Bottom line for me, decided who was on Team Mystery...and told them what my husband did...but also told them I can not explain why because I do not understand.

 

Unfortunately, that is all you can do and it's more important to have unconditional support rather than explain her behavior.

 

Save yourself first.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself.

 

~Mystery

[newhorizon]

New Horizons...great advice and support coming your way.

 

First off, the only thing you MUST do is take care of your immediate emotional and physical health.

 

It is not your job or responsibility to explain the motivation for your wife's crazy behavior. Simply put left yourself off the hook...if you do not understand what's going on...how can you possibly explain it to anyone else.

 

This is why NC and counseling is critical for you to regain clarity and control for the tail spin your wife's actions have painfully thrown you in.

 

Once you're clear, you will realize that all you can do is account the events because you can not speak for her reasoning.

 

Basically you're experience of these same events is just as important as her lies...put your energy to understanding your feelings and your experience.

 

During this process you get to decide who's on Team New Horizon...maybe parents, certain friends, counselor.

 

Bottom line for me, decided who was on Team Mystery...and told them what my husband did...but also told them I can not explain why because I do not understand.

 

Unfortunately, that is all you can do and it's more important to have unconditional support rather than explain her behavior.

 

Save yourself first.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself.

 

~Mystery

 

 

Mystery your absolutely right, she had been vitimazing herself making me take the blame while I tried to work and talk out our problems blaming my self asking for forgiveness for the wrong I may have done while that just feeded her more and more. Now I am here trying to understand what or where I went wrong when the truth is its not all my fault. Why does she keep blaming me for all that's wrong?? I'm tired of her using those excuses shifting all the blame on me, all the lies, the drama it's like even she doesent know what she wants!!

 

Now I just want to move on I know I love her alot I mean alot but the more I think about her and her bs I realize that she is no longer right for me, just thinking of all the lies makes my head hurt . I want to be put on a coma! I wish to sleep and when I wake have the entire memory of her erased.

 

I think I was a good husband I atleast know I was good to her, she was my number 1 in everything. I never lied or cheated I respected her and I was big on communication and open to her. It seems all she remembers from me are the little small insignificant things and she's holding on tight to them to justify her actions!! Go ahead women one day I will be strong and healthy again while you drown in your negative and manipulative ways.

 

Thank yall for the support! We are going to get through this, we are better people than them and one day we will be rewarded and all this will be just a learning experience

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

Most all of us on this board have been through what you are now experiencing, the pain, the embarrassment, etc. You are getting some on the dot advice, follow it, take care of yourself, and find someone you can talk to and though it will take time, you will emerge from the dark tunnel to a bright and sunny future with somebody else.

[newhorizon]

Thank you 2.50

 

Thanks to all of yalls advice I know what my first step is, yesterday at this time I had no clue what to do or where to start I'm so thankful to everyone guiding me and teaching me the first steps. Have y'all seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler?? I wish I had that remote control to fast forward through all the pain! Hey but you know what they say good things don't come easy right?

 

Thanks to all of you

[Justtiredofit]

"It seems all she remembers from me are the little small insignificant things and she's holding on tight to them to justify her actions!! Go ahead women one day I will be strong and healthy again while you drown in your negative and manipulative ways."

 

OH...YES! That same EXACT thing my wife is/was doing to me. It's called "GASLIGHTING", google it. That's part of how NC works. The anger they "feel" goes away, because you are no longer there at the house WITH her or talking to her for her to blame you. They soon feel realize themselves that the "anger" is unfounded. THAT is when they come running back (not that yours will) but that's what happens. Suddenly, all these "terrible" things you did to her (you BULLY...you BAD MAN) she can't remember. They are ONLY EXCUSES for them to carry on their detestable behavior. Then when their little affair ends, watch out.

 

I'm with you too......

[newhorizon]

Justtiredofit thank you!

 

I've been on this site all last night and today, I am thankful to have found all these people and support! I took a nap when I got home bc I had a nasty headache, when I woke up I felt a relief, I felt peace for the first time in many months and the first thing that came to mind was my grandfather(he passed away in 1998 I was 11 but I have alot of great memories of us). So I asked my self what would he think of me he was a real, strong and admirable man. He was dirt poor and still managed to raise 13 kids with my grandmother, so that changed my perspective I'm here complaining and hurting about a heart ache caused by a bad women, it kinda made me feel that things aren't as bad compared to other situations.

These 10 days of NC made me accept my situation, right now I feel resentment towards her , on 01/01/2013 I deleted all her pictures all her emails all her text everything all I have is memories of her, mixed with the confusion of me loving her and she being the awful way she is.I love her but after all there's no way I want her back in my life I just want closure I want to rip her out of my heart and out of my mind!

 

Man am I glad I found LS, everyone here has given me hope I'm thankful to all of y'all helping me out I wish I would of found this place months back!

[2.50 a gallon]

nh

 

I call it the book of bad. My Ex-fiance had this book of bad things from which she could quote the date, location and what I said / or did bad, going back years. The times that she did jog my memory, and I was able to remember the same incident, in almost every case she was taking something and twisting it totally out of context.

 

As to why she had not said something at the time that it had happened was beyond her conprehension

[Caldespair]

Yea 2.5. The more I've been here the more ths same story line with the w. like a sack full of every wrong u ever did, at the ready to just give us hell with. My sbxw, saw her today for first time, at my house, ive moved, 90% of her comments about EVERYTHING I ever did wrong in 25 years.butn what about all the good stuff? I started a successful business's brought up a family, supported her and our kids. It just sucks and I see this same situation all over these forumns.

Hang in there, new and 2.5. I look back to my first posts, I never thought I'd make it to the morning, but I did. U will too.

[MsOptimist]

Hang in there, newhorizon. Those initial days and weeks were the darkest for me. Have you had any luck scheduling a counseling appointment?

 

I remember it being hard to think that I would have good days again, that I would be able to smile and laugh and sing along to my favorite upbeat songs. I can do that now. I still have moments of sadness and reflection, but I also have many good days and new experiences. When something comes up to spark the sadness, like seeing the divorce papers in front of me, I remind myself that it's just another necessary step. I let those thoughts sit and eventually they are just a few more pieces of closure.

 

I keep thinking of this new life on my own as creating new habits and new memories and new ways of thinking. I focus on establishing my new daily routines as the old routines and habits and places are fading away.

[Love_me_not]

It's hard to tell whether or not she's seeing someone else, honestly. I mean, I'm not psychic, but to me, I lean more towards, "Yes, she's seeing someone else". The reason I say this is because after only a short time away from you, she all of a sudden is telling you what a piece of sh** you are, and you are seemingly blind-sided by this revelation of hers. Usually, when someone makes such a drastic change of opinion of someone they supposedly love, it's because another person has taken that place in their heart, and to justify herself, she has painted you to be 'the bad guy' so that she feels better about moving on.

 

The fact that she wouldn't even have sex with you is a huge red flag that she's seeing someone else. She was torn between the two of you, and didn't have the courage to tell you she was seeing someone else--she's probably afraid of your reaction. Also, she doesn't want to feel like she's "cheating" on this new person.

 

After the way she's treated you, however, I don't think it really matters if she's seeing someone else or not--leaving you high and dry at the airport? Not telling you she's staying in MX? That is just mean, disrespectful, and horrible. You do deserve better--regardless of whether or not she's got another boyfriend. If I were you, I'd do the walking and let her figure out that her philandering ways don't go too far in the real world.

[newhorizon]

Ms.o, 2.50, and Caldespair thank you all

 

I did find a councelor I have an appointment Monday afternoon so I'm just going to take the whole day off and do a physical in the morning!

 

One thing I'm having a really really hard time with is the nc. How do you all manage not to check your phone every minute to see if she has called, or check your email so often? What do you all do when you get that urge to call or text? How do you manage from trying to reach out?

See, I only get this urge of contacting her when I am at work that's when all the pain and frustration kick in! I just want to throw my phone away during the day but then I worry some emergency will happen and someone like my family is trying to reach me.

 

Last night I went out for some wings and beer with my friend I had such a good time talked about football, mma, watches ect. When I realized I had just spent 4 straight hours with thinking of her or feeling any type of pain or nothing I felt really good. I'm guessing that's what I need huh? More social life and let things go their way and start enjoying small things like that. But I'm back to work back to feeling like sh**t again!

 

Thank you all for being here!

[newhorizon]

It's hard to tell whether or not she's seeing someone else, honestly. I mean, I'm not psychic, but to me, I lean more towards, "Yes, she's seeing someone else". The reason I say this is because after only a short time away from you, she all of a sudden is telling you what a piece of sh** you are, and you are seemingly blind-sided by this revelation of hers. Usually, when someone makes such a drastic change of opinion of someone they supposedly love, it's because another person has taken that place in their heart, and to justify herself, she has painted you to be 'the bad guy' so that she feels better about moving on.

 

The fact that she wouldn't even have sex with you is a huge red flag that she's seeing someone else. She was torn between the two of you, and didn't have the courage to tell you she was seeing someone else--she's probably afraid of your reaction. Also, she doesn't want to feel like she's "cheating" on this new person.

 

After the way she's treated you, however, I don't think it really matters if she's seeing someone else or not--leaving you high and dry at the airport? Not telling you she's staying in MX? That is just mean, disrespectful, and horrible. You do deserve better--regardless of whether or not she's got another boyfriend. If I were you, I'd do the walking and let her figure out that her philandering ways don't go too far in the real world.

 

Yes exactly, at first I was in denial but when I went over there and saw her attitude with my own eyes I was sure she had someone else!

About the no sex and feeling guilty that's the exact thing that came to my mind! I even called her out on it and told her "yea you just don't wanna cheat on him" and of course she denied it and and said things to make her self as if she was the victim again that I didn't understand her or listened to her. That moment was a big eye opener for me that's what took me out of denial!

[Love_me_not]

Yes exactly, at first I was in denial but when I went over there and saw her attitude with my own eyes I was sure she had someone else!

About the no sex and feeling guilty that's the exact thing that came to my mind! I even called her out on it and told her "yea you just don't wanna cheat on him" and of course she denied it and and said things to make her self as if she was the victim again that I didn't understand her or listened to her. That moment was a big eye opener for me that's what took me out of denial!

 

I'm glad you got the eye opener, though. And I'm glad you're getting out with friends and moving past her. Really, it'll help you very much to distract yourself from her, and the pain that she caused you. Sometimes, it's not so much the 'person' that we hang on to, but we're so confused as to why they would hurt US that we hold on to that instead of realizing that the person is just a piece'a sh**. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

 

Keep getting yourself out into the world with your friends, have fun, meet new people, and you will find that the distractions will slowly but surely mend you...sooner or later.

[newhorizon]

Today has been one of the hardest days of nc, i kept checking my phone to see if she had called or mesaged me! I really didn't feel the urge to call her, but instead I wanted her to call me or reach out to me somehow.

 

I came home today and felt depressed and lonely I started thinking of her and nothing good comes to mind just her lies her attitude her hurtful desicions even though I love her with all my strength I realize after everything that has happened I could never be happy with her, I think it would take 10x the effort to forgive her than it would to get over her and move on.

 

Even though its only been 11 days, I'm starting to see some of the effects of the nc, im starting to see all the red flags that occurred during our relationship.

 

The pain is sharp I know it's something I will be carrying with me for a while!

I am so thankful i do not have any kids with her!!!

 

Can some one give me some comfort and tell me that there is life after this, that my life is not over, I am 25 and I feel like my time is up wtf right??